This Means War…

By Barbara (Bml

Summary: A humorous story in which Lois loses at Trivial Pursuit, Clark sings the Flintstones theme song, and pranks are the order of the day at the Daily Planet (with Kyle Griffin nowhere in sight :-).

While trying to retain some sanity the other day at work, a friend and I started down this path. We had such a good time and it just seemed like something fun for L&C to do. Sadly, I was able to write this from memory…I know…a product of a misspent youth! Guess it kind of dates me, but I'm sure it will bring back memories for a lot of you. Oh…and do not try this at home…you may be sorry in the end…believe me! As usual…all rights belong to WB, etc, etc, etc.


As usual, Lois and Clark were in the middle of a *discussion* as they rode up in the elevator to the news room. The night before, they had invited Jimmy over for dinner to celebrate the end of a long investigation. They had all been working long hours and needed a little time to just goof off. Jimmy had uncovered some key information and they thought a home-cooked meal, home-cooked by Clark that is, would be a nice treat. As usual, after dinner it was game time. A *friendly* game of Trivial Pursuit quickly turned into a fierce battle.

"Lois, it was not," Clark tried to explain. "Jimmy won fair and square. He knew the final pie answer and you didn't."

"The card was wrong," Lois quickly returned, arms swinging in the air. "That was not the right answer. I challenged and you two refused to consider it."

"There *are* no challenges in Trivial Pursuit…chumpy."

Lois turned and gave him an evil grin. "See, I told you that was a word…and if the card is wrong, you should be able to challenge it."

Clark let out an exasperated sigh as the elevator door slowly opened. He dearly loved his bride, but she was the most competitive person he had ever met. She worked hard and she played hard…not that he was complaining. He delighted in her tenacity. It was one of the things that first attracted him to her. Once she sunk her teeth into something, she wouldn't let go. And, he could tell this wasn't a *discussion* he was going to win. In fact, it definitely had the potential to get pretty ugly. He decided that a change of topic might be in order. Grabbing her hand, he turned to her and smiled. "Okay…the card was wrong and we'll consider it a tie. Now, about this weekend…do you want to got to Smallville or to Napa Valley?"

"A tie…that's like honorable mention in a science fair…thanks for participating, but your project wasn't good enough. And don't try to change the subject…we haven't finished this one yet," she said smiling, straightening his tie.

All Clark could do was sigh and ride out the tide. They walked hand in hand down the ramp to the news room. As they approached their desks, Lois spotted a small styrofoam carton sitting in the middle of her desk. She set down her purse and opened the carton. In it, there was a single piece of pie. Lois knew immediately what it meant and where it came from. Clark couldn't help but laugh, which garnered him an evil glare from his wife. She looked around for Jimmy, who of course was nowhere to found.

"Ooh…if I get my hands on him…"

Clark smiled and shook his head. He had to hand it to Jimmy. He didn't think he would dare the wrath of Lois by such blatant gloating of his victory.

"…but you know…I never did get him back for…"

"Lois…it was just a friendly game between good friends…" He could see she wasn't paying a bit of attention to him. She was too far gone in plotting her next move. "Just keep me out of it…" he said, as he turned and walked to his desk.


A loud scream jolted Clark's attention from his terminal. He looked over and saw Jimmy running in the direction of the rest rooms. He immediately looked over at Lois, who remained perfectly calm and continued typing away on her computer.

"Lois…what did you do?"

Lois slowly turned to Clark, trying to appear unaware of the commotion around her. "What?"


"Clark…I'm just sitting here working."

Jimmy returned to the news room and calmly set a cardboard box on Lois' desk. Lois glanced up at him, looking puzzled.

"Oh…that's just…rich, Lois…"

"What is it, Jimmy?" Lois asked.

"Oh, and I guess you don't know anything about the dish detergent in the creme filled doughnuts."

"What?" Lois asked, looking appropriately shocked.

Clark grinned and shook his head. 'The game is afoot,' he thought. Nothing could stop it now.

"Someone put soap in the doughnuts? Clark, did you hear that? We better switch bakeries right away!" Lois added.

"Okay, guys…I think the fun's over…let's call a truce and get things back to normal," Clark pleaded, trying to mediate the situation. Lois caught Jimmy's eye and they shared a knowing glance. They walked towards each other and shook hands, both starting to laugh now.

"Great!" Clark commended. "See…that wasn't so hard. Now, Lois, can we get back to work? We have a meeting with Bobby Bigmouth at 1:30."

"Okay, Mr. Party Pooper." Lois turned back to Jimmy and thought, 'This is going to be fun…' "Jimmy, do you have that research I asked you about?"

"Oh, yes, Lois. It's at my desk." Lois and Jimmy turned and walked to Jimmy's desk while Clark returned to his computer. Once Clark was distracted again by his article, Lois began plotting with Jimmy.

"All right, Jimmy. After lunch…the boy scout gets it."

"You're on, Lois…"


Lois and Clark had arranged to meet Bobby Bigmouth at a local deli for lunch. He promised to have some information on a new story they were following. In the car on the way to the interview, Lois found herself staring at Clark. Feeling her gaze, Clark turned and looked at her questioningly and offered her a penny.

Lois chuckled at his gesture. "I was just thinking that every time we are in a car…I don't know…it amazes me. You have the ability to fly and yet you are still willing to reduce yourself to waiting on a car to get you there."

"Lois, I do not reduce myself to doing anything to be with you…anywhere…anytime. I actually rather enjoy it…I don't get to see much at superspeed."

"Really. I don't think that if I still had that ability, I would. I remember when I was a kid, I used to watch the Jetsons all the time. I loved the Jetsons. I was thoroughly convinced that by the time I was this age, we would be have those briefcase space vehicles. Wouldn't that be neat?"

Clark just grinned at her and raised his eyebrows.

"Look who I'm asking…"

"Well, we do have those video phones, Lois."

"Yeah, a lot of good that does. If I had one, I'd need one of those fake faces Jane had to answer it. People always seem to call when I'm in the shower or getting dressed."

"Gee…where were those phones when we were dating?"

Lois laughed. "Yeah right, Clark…the man with the x-ray vision wanting a video phone."

"Well, at least I would be guilt free."

"Wait, Clark…I thought you said you never used your…"

"You know, my favorite scene in the Jetsons is at the end…when George is walking the dog and it starts going really fast and he…"

Lois looked at him questioningly. "I like that too…but you didn't answer my question."

"Oh…here we are…you go ahead and get us a table. I'll park the car."

"Okay, Clark. You were saved by the bell…for now…"


Lois was sitting at the table humming the theme to the Jetsons when Clark sat down. He joined in. "…his boy, Elroy…" Lois laughed and continued, "…daughter, Judy…" They sang the next part together. "…Jane, his wife…dah, dah, dah, dah…" From behind them, they heard a voice chime in, "dah, dah…yabba dabba doo." They both looked up to see Bobby Bigmouth smiling and humming along. They looked at each other a little embarrassed and laughed.

"It's nice to see the hottest news team in town hard at work," Bobby laughed, joining them at the table.

"Uh, Hi Bobby…" Lois grinned, "…but isn't that the wrong show?"

"I know…but those two songs always seemed to run together for some reason. It's good to see you two. Oh, and congratulations on the nuptials."

"Thank you, Bobby…and thank you for the gift," Clark added. "I've always wanted to join the Cheese of the Month club."

"Hey…I knew you would need it. I don't think I've ever seen food in Lois' apartment…thought I'd help you out, Clark…since I'm sure you'll be doing all of the cooking."

"Thanks a lot, Bobby…"

"You know I'm just thinking of my own best interests, Lois…so what's with the Jetsons sing-a-long?"

"I guess we are a bit punchy…we've been undercover for a while," Lois explained.

"Well, you are newlyweds…"

"Bobby…on a story…" Lois chided, her cheeks flushing.

"Just kidding, Lois. Listen…I'm happy for you two…okay…I know what you want…let's order and I'll let you know what I found out."


After getting a few pieces of information to begin a new investigation, Lois was energized and decided to pick up an on-going game of trivia she and Clark loved to play. "Okay, Clark…I bet you can't remember the entire theme song of The Brady Bunch."

"You're on! It's a story, of a man named Brady…" As they reached the jeep, Clark was finishing the song. "…and that's the way, they became the Brady Bunch."

"Darn, I didn't think you would watch that one."

"Everyone watched The Brady Bunch! Okay, your turn, Lois. What about Gilligan's Island?"

"No problem. Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale…" Lois continued the song as she drove them back to the Planet. "…here…on Gilligan's Isle."

"Good job, Lois. You even got the song that played during the closing credits."

"Okay, Clark…let's see…what about The Flintstones?"

Clark smiled and sang, "Flintstones, meet the Flintstones…"

Lois couldn't help but laugh when Clark started bellowing 'Wilma!!' "Okay, okay…I think you know that one. This is unfair…Mr. Photographic Memory. Oh, and, Clark…you know I love you to death…but…don't give up your day job."

"Are you making a derogatory remark about my singing ability, Lois?"

"Honey…you are *super* at everything but that…"

Clark winced at the word super. "You really don't think we could have a career in music…I play the piano, you know…"

"Only if we were like the Captain and Tenille and you *just* play the piano. Actually, that might be fun. You could wear the suit and I could sing. Let's see…what would we call ourselves? The Kryptonites? The Kal-elles? I know…The Supremes…no…that's been done before."

Clark couldn't help but laugh. "I'll wear the suit if you wear that chicken outfit from the Metro Club."

"On second thought, maybe we both better stick with our day jobs."

"Good thinking, Lois. And I believe it is your turn…what show was this…Da da da da da da…da da da da da…"

"That's easy…'Book'em Danno'…Hawaii Five-O. Dad always watched that show. Okay…finish this…It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood…"

"…A beautiful day for a neighbor, won't you be mine? Wait…I need a sweater to change into." Lois laughed and motioned him to continue. "…So, lets make the most of this beautiful day. Since we're together we might as well say." Clark took her hand and mockingly pleaded, "Won't you be my neighbor, Lois?"

"Only if we can live in the Land of Make Believe." Clark looked at her with a devilish grin. "Okay…point taken, Superman…I guess we already do."

"So, you were a big fan of Mr. Rogers? I could never figure out why he always had to change his shoes…"

"Oh, yes…Lucy and I wouldn't dream of starting our day without Mr. Rogers and the Captain. I loved Trolley Car…the fish."

"I would have thought you would have preferred Sesame Street…Kermit the *Frog*…"


Now that they were finally together and enjoying married life, they were able to joke about the whole wedding fiasco. Clark would often joke with her about her novel…Reverend Bob…frogs.

"Okay…okay…I loved Captain Kangaroo, too. I used to make Mom watch it with me. Remember Dancing Bear…Grandfather Clock…The Town Clown. My favorite was Mr. Moose…and Mr. Green Jeans always reminded me of Dad."

"God…you're right…now that you mention it, he does."

"Don't tell him that, though…it's a sore subject. Mom teased him about it one time after one of his bright ideas to improve the farm didn't work."

"She didn't…"

"Yep…he didn't get it for the longest time…until he was sick one morning and watched it with me. He got her back, though…some sort of apple pie baking machine, if I remember…"

"Your parents are so much fun! That would have started World War III at my house."

"Well, it did at ours, too…it's just that their *wars* are all meant in fun. No one ever takes it personally. You know you are a part of the family if you get teased by the Kents'."

"Well, I must have been adopted long ago, with all of the jokes about my cooking…"

"Lois, from the moment you made the comment about Dad being a cross-dresser, Mom has considered you her daughter."

"I still can't believe I said that…" Clark starting laughing, remembering the look on Lois' face. "I was so self- righteous back then."

"Come on, Lois…you were just out of your element. It takes a while to adjust to being able to trust people. You can't do that so much in a big city."

"I guess…Maizie was certainly right about you."


"Don't you remember…she said with you, what you see is what you get. She was right. When people see Clark Kent with the glasses, that's what they get…Clark Kent. Thank God…I finally looked beyond those glasses…"


As they came off the elevator, Lois had Clark singing the theme song from Green Acres. "Forget Manhattan just give me that countryside…"

"Okay, Clark…we'll call this one a draw. We are hopeless…we have seen entirely too much TV."

"I think you're right, Lois."

They both returned to their desks to start working on the information they had gotten from Bobby Bigmouth. Clark went through the mail that arrived while he was gone. Lois watched out of the corner of her eye as he tore the end off of each envelope and blew into them before taking out its contents. This was something that she had seen him do everyday for 3 years. Lois heard him blow into an envelope and then stop. "Lois…"

Lois looked over at Clark and broke down laughing. Jimmy had been watching and was doubled over on his desk. Lois finally managed to get out, "You look…like…the Pillsbury Dough Boy…"

"Flour in the envelope…" Clark turned to Jimmy, who was trying to compose himself. "Et tu, Jimmy?"

"Sorry, CK…but you have to admit…it's pretty funny."

Clark looked down at his clothes and back at the two conspirators. As he turned to walk to the rest room, they heard him say, "You realize…this means war."


Clark sat at his desk the next morning going over some background information Jimmy had dug up on their latest story. He had watched Lois all night cautiously opening the drawers, closets and cabinets in their apartment expecting something to jump out at her. Now he could see Lois and Jimmy doing the same thing at work. He smiled to himself. Sometimes the anticipation of revenge was worse than the event itself. He had a lot of experience on both ends of practical jokes growing up in his house and he intended to enjoy this little battle. He sat back and waited for the fun to begin.

Jimmy rushed over to Clarks desk, desperately clutching a copy of the morning edition. "CK…you gotta help me!"

"What is it, Jimmy?"

"Look at this," Jimmy said frantically, handing the paper to Clark.

"Judge Wapner Linked to Intergang. Yeah, Jimmy…that's the article Lois and I wrote…"

"No, look at the picture."

"Well…that's him…having lunch with the Intergang leaders…well isn't that their hands…"

"CK, that's not the photo I gave them to run. I gave them one that showed the faces of everyone at the table. Perry's going to kill me…"

"Well, tell him what happened, he'll understand…eventually." Clark pulled the paper close to examine the photo. "You know, Jimmy, it does look like he's holding something behind the menu. It's so small…I can't quite make it out." Clark opened his drawer and pulled out a magnifying glass. He held it over the photo and tried to read what was on the paper the man was holding. "Jimmy, look at this…can you read it?"

Jimmy took the paper from Clark. "I think it says…Gotcha…Jimmy?"

Clark couldn't contain his laughter any longer. Jimmy looked up at him, relief washing over him as he realized Clark had set him up.

"Cute, CK…you gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry, Jimmy…we're even…"

"Perry didn't see this, did he?"

"No, Jimmy. Gene down in printing made it up for me…it's the only copy."

"Geez…I'm glad that is over…I was starting to jump every time the phone rang." Jimmy leaned back against the desk and sighed. "So…I guess Lois is next?"

Clark sat back in his chair with an evil grin. "Ah…yes…the next victim…"

"Well, CK…if I can ever find my heart…I'll help you."

"No thanks, Jimmy…this one is all mine!"

"Watch out, Lois."

"Listen, do me a favor. Don't let Lois know about this. I let it *slip* last night that you were the first victim. I want her to think you are still being *stalked*."

"Sure, CK…I'm just going to go burn this…"


Clark was sitting on the couch that night watching the end of a basketball game. The UNC Tar Heels were playing the Kansas Jayhawks. They were down to the last two minutes and Kansas was down by four points.

"Oh, man…he had an open shot…pass it…"

Lois walked into living room and plopped down on the couch beside him. "Clark…"

"Uh…yeah, Lois…" Still caught up on the game, Clark was talking to the TV. "No…he should have made that…"

"Just do it…"

"Uh…Lois…there's only two minutes left…I promise, after the game, we can…"

"No, Clark…the prank."

"What, Lois…no…time out…time out. Come on, Roy, talk to them…they are all over the place."


The screen switched to a commercial and Clark turned to Lois. "I'm sorry, honey, what were you saying?"

"The prank…just get it over with. I just spent the last five minutes trying to get up the nerve to pull back the shower curtain."

Clark smiled at her and laughed. "Lois, this is neutral territory…I wouldn't do anything here." He put his arm around her and pulled her close. "You can relax. Now, tomorrow, at the Planet…that's a different story."

"You mean that incredible looking chocolate cake you brought home is safe to eat?"

"Yes, Lois…it's fine."

"Oh…there's your game…go Heels!"

"Lois, you traitor!"

"I like their cute little outfits…Alexander Julian designed them, you know."

"Great…you are pulling for them because of their uniforms. And you are a 49ers fan because…"

"Haven't you ever seen Joe Montana," she said, raising her eyebrows, and moved towards the kitchen in a quest for chocolate.

Clark just sighed and shook his head. "Women…"


Lois walked back to the her desk from the break area. They had been at work for two hours and still no sign of Clark's revenge. She looked over at him. He had been on the phone for over ten minutes trying to get some information from the clerk at the City Records office. Since he was distracted, she could relax for a while. She was starting to sit back when she heard a voice behind her.

"Lois Lane-Kent?"

She turned around quickly in her chair to see a flower delivery man. "Uh…yes."

"Flowers for you. Sign here," he said, pushing a clipboard towards her.

"Oh…thanks." She signed the paper and took the flowers from him. Placing them on her desk, she took a quick glance at Clark. He wasn't watching her. He was busy writing down the information he was gathering. The flowers were beautiful, but what was the catch? A bee hidden in one of the flowers? An exploding card? She picked up the card carefully and held it up to the light…it was just a note card. She opened it slowly and took out the card and read it.

Sorry to cause you so much anxiety.

Remember, pranks are meant to be fun!!

Love, Clark

Lois looked over at Clark. He was still on the phone. She caught his eye and whispered, "Thank you." He smiled back and mouthed, 'Your welcome,' and motioned her to come over to his desk.

He held his hand over the receiver. "Lois, I need to print something and my printer is out of paper. Can you get me some?"

"Sure." Lois walked to the storage room and opened the door. She was greeted by a shower of ping pong balls. "Clark Kent…" could be heard echoing throughout the news room, as an ocean of ping pong balls made their way across the floor.

Clark and Jimmy were close to hyperventilating from laughing so hard, but made their way to the storage room.

"You called, honey?" Clark asked innocently.

"Let me guess…you said Mr. Moose was your favorite…he was the one always dropping ping pong balls on Captain Kangaroo, right?"

"Yeap…I loved that part…"

"But Clark…how did you do this…you were on the phone…"

"Mom said to tell you 'hello'…" "I should have known."

Perry ran to his door to see what caused all of the commotion. "What the blue blazes is going on out here?" Lois and Clark looked up from the mess like they had just been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. "Did somebody give you one of those 'dang Space Rats?"

"Sorry, chief," Clark said squeamishly, stopping another ping pong ball as it rolled towards Perry's feet. "We'll get this cleaned up."

"You do that…then get in my office." Perry turned and started back into his office. "And bring Olsen with you."

The three pranksters tucked their tails between their legs and reported to Perry's office. They were all prepared to beg forgiveness. They had mapped out a strategy and were about to start groveling when Perry cut them off.

"Ah…ah…ah…there isn't time for that now. I need the three of you on a story. I got a tip that Intergang is hiding stolen merchandise in a warehouse by the airport. Get out there and get me that story. We'll deal with your little pranks when you return." They looked at each other…not quite sure what to do. "Now get…"

Lois drove the trio to the warehouse. Since they left Perry's office, they had made polite small talk, but had all steered away from discussing the *war* and the conversation they would have with Perry when they returned.

"Lois, I love your jeep. I can't wait to get my car out of the shop. Hey, CK…how did you manage all of those years without a car? I'm going crazy without mine."

"Well, Jimmy…I've always found a car to be a pain in a big city…finding a parking space, getting gas, getting the oil changed." Clark turned and smiled at Lois. " Besides, if I had a car, what excuse would I have had to keep getting rides with Lois."

"Clark…I can't believe you would resort to such tactics…"

"I would have done anything to spend time with you, Lois."

"Way to go CK," Jimmy cheered. "Think that will work with Cindy?"

"You never know, Jimmy. Lois never caught on."

"You know, Mr. Smug…did you ever think that I didn't *have* to offer you a ride so often?"

"Way to go Lois…"

"Okay…okay…so maybe it was a good idea for both of us." Clark conceded.

"So, Lois…how mad do think Perry is going be?" Jimmy asked cautiously.

"I think he is just playing the boss. I think he secretly finds it funny." Lois pulled the car in behind a row of dumpsters out of view. "Well, here we are."

Clark made a quick scan of the area to see if it was safe. He didn't see anyone, but there were areas that were obstructed, obviously containing lead. He turned to Lois, who saw what he was doing. "It doesn't look like there is anyone around. Why don't we see if there is a way in."

They took a quick check of the doors and managed to find one that had been left unlocked. Clark was the first one in. He looked around and didn't see anything. He motioned the others to follow. As they closed the door, a huge banner fell from the ceiling and balloons dropped all around them. The banner read: YOU HAVE JUST BEEN HAD BY THE MASTER!!!

They looked at each other and laughed until their sides hurt. Walking back to the car, they were still laughing at the prank.

"I still can't believe the Chief pulled if off," Clark said, shaking his head.

"Maybe he didn't want to be left out of the fun," Lois added.

"I guess you didn't know what you were starting, Lois," Jimmy joked.

"What I was starting…you started all of this."

"No, I didn't, Lois…you started it when you put that soap in my doughnut."

"No Jimmy…I put the soap in the doughnut because you put that piece of pie on my desk."

"Pie? I didn't put any pie on your desk, Lois."

"Yes you did…after we played Trivial Pursuit…you know…the one piece I needed to win…"

"Lois, do you really think I would be that stupid?" Lois and Jimmy looked at each other, then looked at Clark.

"Hey…don't look at me…" Clark said defensively. "I came in with you, remember Lois." Clark and Lois looked at each other, the pieces suddenly falling into place. "Hey Jimmy, did you happen to talk to Perry after you left our place the other night?"

"Yeah, CK…he left a message on my machine and I called him back." Jimmy grinned as he realized what Clark was asking. "And I told him about the game…"

Just then, the phone in Clark's pocket rang. When he answered it, all he could hear was laughter on the other end. "Okay, chief, you got us…"

"Okay kids, the party's over…lets get back to work."


So you were singing along with Lois and Clark, weren't you? That's okay…so was I! By the way…the Tar Heels won…got to be true to your school…sorry Clark (and Roy).