By Shawn V. (SilvrWingd@aol.com)
Summary: Actors Dean Cain and Nicolas Cage have an encounter. (The author warns Cage fans not to read this.)
Author's note: If you like Nick Cage, DO NOT READ THIS FANFIC!!!!!
This was written as a joke, so please keep that in mind when you read it! Enjoy! And if you have comments, feel free to send them to me, even if you read this years after I wrote it. I love to hear from FoLCs!
Dean Cain was walking down the street one day when he bumped into none other than Nicholas Cage. Attempting to be amicable, Dean walked up and said hello to the old actor.
"Hello," said Dean.
"Hey, you're Dean Cain, ain'cha?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well, I was..."
"Oh, right, you got fired! I'm Superman now, you know. You're nothing but a has-been!"
"I wasn't fired. I was released from my contract," Dean said, trying to remain calm and nice.
"Fired, released, same thing! You just weren't good enough for the part," sneered Cage.
"No, I did very well in my role. I had and still have tons of fans!" By this time, Dean is starting to get a little upset. He did nothing to Cage!
"Then how come the ratings went down? Nobody really liked you as Superman. I'm way better! That's why I got the role in the new movie, not you!" gloated Cage.
"No, I just didn't want to be typecast."
"Ha! I bet you just wanted to play a character more like yourself than Superman is!"
"What exactly are you insinuating?" Dean says, knowing what Cage meant, but trying to make sure he wasn't misreading the evil actor. Dean was nice enough to at least try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
"Oh, I forgot. Your intelligence is lower than mine. Well, then, in light of your handicap, I'll spell it out for you. Well, like the character you play in 'Best Men', I bet you're gay!" Cage chuckled evilly. He loved to insult nice people.
Dean, of course, denied this.
"You're not worthy to wear the Superman suit! It was meant for me and me alone!" Cage had a maniacal gleam in his eyes. "I'm Superman!" He laughed evilly.
"Cage, don't do this."
"Why? Did I hurt your feelings? Poor baby," he oozed in mock sympathy. "Anyways, it's true! I am Superman!"
"Umm, have you looked into mental homes?"
"Why should I?"
Dean rolls his eyes. The answer to that is extremely obvious. He ignored the question. "Drugs, then? Are you on something weird?"
"Hey, man. Just cuz you're on steroids doesn't mean the rest of the world is, too!"
"I'm not on steroids, Cage. I work out. And I can tell that you're not on steroids, either. I meant something else. Something mind altering, maybe."
"No! Are you deaf, or just dumb? I'm Superman!" With that, Cage pulled open his shirt to reveal a Superman costume, hidden under his clothing.
Dean was surprised, but not overly. It was obvious that this guy was totally mental. Stuff like that was right up his alley. He sighed, knowing what he would have to do next. He disliked intitutionalizing people, but sometimes it was necessary.
So he ducked into an alley, changed clothes, zoomed over to where Cage was, picked him up, and flew away.
"What the--" Cage exclaimed.
"Look, Cage. I'm Superman, not you. You're the one not worthy to wear the suit. And you're going for a nice long vacation to visit the men in white coats." With that, Dean, er, Superman, flew down to a mental hospital, changed back into Dean, and took Cage in to see the doctors.
"Good work, Dean! We've been after this slippery guy for years! How did you ever manage to catch him and how can we ever thank you?"
"Well, I caught him with super luck, and you can thank me by making sure he stays locked up for a very long time."
"Anything you say."
Dean turned to leave.
"One more thing before you go. I'd like you to sign an autograph if you don't mind," the receptionist said, handing him a piece of paper.
"Oh, sure," Dean said, taking the paper and a pen. While he was signing the paper, the receptionist hit an intercom button and said into the microphone, "You-know-who is here!"
Suddenly, Dean was bombarded with the staff of an entire mental hospital. They all wanted his autograph. All of them. Every single one. He was writing long into the night, but it was worth it.
TWO DAYS LATER:
Dean's phone rings. He picks it up. It's the guys from Warner Brothers!
"Dean! We're so glad we got ahold of you! WB is being mobbed! There's a crowd of millions, demanding that we hire you for the new Superman movie! They're threatening to torch the studio! Please do the movie! We'll pay you anything!"
"Well, I don't know. I don't want to be second choice to play the part of Superman, I don't know if I even want to play the part, and I don't want to play it without Teri..."
"You weren't second choice. Cage got his hands on some nuclear missiles, and threatened to blow up the world if we didn't hire him, we'll give you anything to play the part, and we'll get Teri at any cost! Please!"
"You can even direct, if you want."
"Can we shoot a scene in Hawaii?"
"And I get to direct?"
"How much will you pay me?"
"How does 25 million sound?"
"You got yourself a deal! Make up a contract, and I'll be right over!"
"Thank you so much!"
TEN MINUTES LATER:
(Teri Hatcher's home)
The telephone rang, and Teri picked it up.
"We at Warner Brothers will give you 25 million dollars to be Lois Lane in the new Superman movie next year. We needed to get Dean as Superman, and he refused to act in it without you."
"He did? How sweet."
"Please! 25 million!"
"Can we do some scenes in Maui?"
"Can you get some 49ers on the cast?"
"Can you make Dean go surfing in the nude? He teased me way too much for that 'Heaven's Prisoners' scene."
"Umm, I don't know..."
"Okay, compromise. Floral print bikini?"
"And the 25 million?"
"And the 25 million."
"I'm in! Write up that contract!"
Well, that's what SHOULD have happened.