By Jennifer Eagan-Dixon <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Submitted March 1999
Summary: Newlywed Clark can't stop craving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Got Milk? ;)
Author's Note: This idea came as I was thinking it would be nice to have a certain "adult" touch to L&C, without affecting the children who watch. Hopefully, this would go right over their little heads, and maybe some adults!:)
Scene opens with Lois and Clark on their first night as man and wife. It is around 1:00 in the morning. They are in their new home.
Lois stirred in her sleep and instinctively reached for Clark. Her hands ran over where he should be sleeping but he was gone. Probably off saving the world, she thought woefully.
LLK: (Calling softly) "Clark?"
CK: (Poking his head in the door) "Hi… I'm in the kitchen."
LLK: (Putting on her robe) "What are you doing?"
Lois sleepily followed him into the kitchen. Clark was now looking in the fridge.
CK: "I'm looking for the strawberry jelly… and some milk."
LLK: (Raised eyebrows) "Clark, why are you eating at 1:00 in the morning?"
CK: (Fixing sandwich, smiles) "I really don't know. I woke up with this craving for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some milk."
LLK: (Comes up behind him and puts her arms around him) "Do you always do this?"
CK: (Looking confused) "No… no I don't."
Lois reaches up and kisses him on the cheek.
LLK: "Well, hurry back to bed, sweetheart."
Clark reaches down and kisses her lightly on the lips.
CK: "I'll be right there!"
The clock now showed 4:00 a.m. Lois was sleeping on her side with Clark behind her with his arm around her waist. Lois rolled over to face Clark and kissed him gently on the neck and he woke instantly. Putting his arms around her, he pulled her towards him and let his lips search her neck.
Then suddenly he stopped.
CK: "You know, I really could go for another sandwich. It'll just take me a second to make one, do you mind?"
LLK: (Giving him a bizarre look) "What?! Are you serious??!!"
Clark gives her a funny look, realizing this wasn't probably 'normal.' Lois was getting up now.
Putting on a robe, she turned back to her husband, now sitting in bed looking confused, and bent over kissing him softly.
LLK: "Well, how about if I make this one?"
As she went into the kitchen, she realized Clark had followed her. He was slightly embarrassed and put his arms around her as she fixed his sandwich.
CK: (Kissing her neck) "I don't what's going on. I NEVER have cravings, except for you, of course… this is kinda strange."
LLK: (Smiling nicely) "Well I need to make sure I satisfy ALL your cravings, don't I?
She handed him the sandwich and reached for the milk in the frigerator.
LLK: "And to make this craving complete we'll top it off with some milk."
CK: "Thanks, Lois."
Lois got the milk out of the fridge, and was lost in thought trying to figure out just what was going on.
As she poured Clark a glass of milk, a small smile came to her lips as she thought how funny the whole episode was.
LLK: "Well, I think I'll turn in again."
Clark was right behind her with sandwich and milk in hands.
LLK: (Turning around) "Clark, you'll get crumbs in the bed!"
Clark looked disappointed but then inhaled it with super speed.
CK: (Smiling broadly) "There!"
LLK: (Looking oddly at him) "Don't you ever get indigestion eating like that?"
CK: (Smugly) "Nope!"
LLK: "Figures… and of course no fat touches that body of yours."
CK: (Running his fingers down her back) "How 'bout YOU touchin' this body of mine??"
Lois stopped and turned to him in the hallway and put her arms around his neck.
LLK: "You're not in the least bit tired are you?"
CK: (With a wide grin) "It's the peanut butter."
And with that he scooped her back up in his arms and carried her off to their bed.
<<Because of a serious crime threat in Metropolis, Lois and Clark have postponed going off for a honeymoon right at the present moment.>>
It was about 8:00 in the morning and Lois and Clark were working at their desks, when suddenly Clark got up and walked over to her. She looked up and smiled, but could tell he looked quite edgy.
CK: "Did I hear you say you might fix a few sandwiches for me today?"
LLK: (Shocked look) "Wow! Again huh?! Yeah, I put them in the fridge in the break room. You should find a carton of milk next to them."
Clark let out a deep sigh! She was such a good wife, he thought, helping him with his new addiction.
CK: (Smiling softly) "Great! I'll be right back. Thanks, sweetheart! I love you."
He kissed her lightly, then quickly walked to the break room. Lois looked at her watch and started smiling. It was beginning to make sense, she thought.
As he came back and sat back down at his desk, Lois called to him.
LLK: "Honey, how do you spell 'supernumerary'?"
Clark was now busy typing on his computer and without looking over, he answered her.
CK: "Supernumerary… s-u-p-e-r-n-u-m-e-r-a-r-y."
LLK: "That doesn't look right though."
Clark chuckled to himself. He was fluent in most of the known languages of the world, but Lois was always questioning his english. Lois opened her dictionary and found it, then her eyes drifted back to the word 'superman.' She nearly busted out laughing at the definition.
LLK: "You were right, but you wanna hear something REALLY funny?!"
CK: (Eyeing her suspiciously) "I don't know. Depends on what it is!"
She walked over to his desk with dictionary in hand.
LLK: "Superman — An ideal superior man who, according to Nietzsche, represents the goal of human evolution because of his exercise of creative power and — (bending down close to him) and his ability to forgo transient pleasure!"
Clark's innocent smile quickly turned into a grin and then he started laughing. Lois now came around his chair and put her arms around his neck.
LLK: (Whispering in his ear) "All that talk last night about needing my body — you were just foolin' me, huh?"
CK: (Kissing her on her cheek) "What did Nietzsche know anyway?"
LLK: (Kissing him back) "He definitely never interviewed you!"
She patted him on the shoulders and walked back towards her desk.
LLK: "I think I need to write someone about this! (Turning back and winking at him) "I am an expert on this you know!"
CK: (With a wicked grin) "You definitely are 'on top' of this one!"
Later, around 1:30 in the afternoon, Lois, Clark, and Jimmy were in Lois' car. As Lois stopped at a red light, Clark looked over and gave her a strange look. Lois knew the look immediately.
LLK: (Whispering) "Glove box."
Clark quickly opened it and pulled out a brown bag. Lois looked up and saw a McDonalds and pulled in.
JO: (Confused) "What are we doin', guys?"
LLK: "Clark needs… wants some milk. You want anything, Jimmy?"
Jimmy shook his head and gave them both a strange look.
JO: "No thanks. Didn't you guys just go home for lunch?"
Lois and Clark gave each other a cute smile. Jimmy, seeing the little exchange, now knew what they had done for lunch.
JO: (Slightly embarrassed) "Will the court please strike that last remark?"
They both looked back at Jimmy and winked at him.
Later in the day Clark came around Lois' desk and gently sat on the edge of it.
CK: "Don't forget we're supposed to eat dinner at my folks' tonight."
LLK: "I remember. Hey, why don't we spend the night there and head back in the morning?"
CK: (Smiling) "Why?"
LLK: (Sexy smile) "Well, I've slept in your old bedroom alone. I just thought it'd be neat to stay in it together."
CK: "I've never had a woman up there, you know."
Lois picked up her coffee and smiled broadly at him.
LLK: "I know."
Then changing the subject, she asked him a decidedly pointed question.
LLK: "Clark… I've got a question for you."
CK: "Fire away!"
LLK: "Has it dawned on you yet just when you're getting these cravings?"
CK: (Blushing) "Yes! If I'm not mistaken, Mrs. Kent, it's about one hour after we have wild… passionate… "
Clark stopped and gave her a huge grin. Lois couldn't help return the grin… just the thought of it!
Then serious again, she gave him a questioning look.
LLK: "But why peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk?"
Clark hopped off her desk and shook his head.
CK: "That I do not know, sweetheart!"
Scene shows Lois and Clark trying to quietly go down his parent's stairs. Lois is getting a piggyback ride. They are wearing "their pajamas." Lois wearing the silk shirt, Clark wearing the bottoms that go with them. They are goofing off with each other, as they head for the kitchen, making some noise.
Camera shoots to Martha who is in bed and hears noise. She looks at the clock, it is 2:00 a.m.
Thinking it might be an intruder, she quietly gets up and goes in living room. She sees light on in kitchen and quietly looks in without being noticed.
She sees Lois with back against cabinets, sexily feeding Clark a sandwich in bite size pieces. He is facing her with both hands on counter trapping Lois in. She is giggling at a very amused Clark.
Martha smiles and turns around and goes back to bed.
Next scene shows everyone at the breakfast table.
MK: (Pouring coffee) "So how did you two sleep last night in a single bed!?"
Lois and Clark grinned at each other. Shyly Lois looked at Jonathan and Martha.
LLK: "Very nice. Thank you."
MK: "Well, I'm glad. I heard you two get up in the middle of the night. I was hoping nothing was wrong."
LLK: "Oh we're sorry!" (Giving Clark a smile) "Clark got hungry."
MK: "Well, I hope you found something good to feed him."
CK: "Luckily you had a new jar of peanut butter."
MK: (Chuckling to herself) "Oh my, that brings back memories."
Jonathan let out a laugh also. Lois had been looking down at her food and slowly looked up at Martha, then at Clark. A small smile came to her face.
LLK: "Oh?? What kind of memories?"
There was a funny look on Clark's face, as if he was starting to remember something.
MK: "Clark used to love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches… oh, and with milk!"
MK: "Well, he must have been about five, just started kindergarten. He'd bring home his papers and they always had stars on them! His teacher would write on each one "WHAT A GOOD JOB CLARK!" So, I'd of course brag on him and tell him how terrific he was. Then I'd ask him 'what kind of reward would you like for being so good?' (laughing) He'd always say 'a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some milk, Mom!'"
Lois' hand was now on her mouth. She was trying desperately not to burst into laughing. Clark was a crimson red and began to smile. Quickly he looked down at his plate. Jonathan gave Lois and Clark a funny look as he tried to figure out the joke going on between the two, and Martha was oblivious as well.
MK: "Well, he was always so quick to pick things up you know. Such a fast learner! Well, he's just so good at ANYTHING he sets out to do!"
That was it! Lois was about to lose all composure. She stood up quickly to leave the table with her hand to her smiling mouth.
LLK: "Excuse me, please!" and walked out to the front porch.
MK: (Looking at Clark) "Oh honey, I hope she's not sick!"
Clark stood up to go after her.
CK: (Big smile) "No, Mom, I'm sure she's fine. I'll go check on her."
Clark went out front where Lois was now doubled over in laughter. He started laughing just looking at her, as she stood there holding her side.
LLK: (Finally) "Oh that is just TOO good!! Or should I say YOU are!!"
Lois started laughing all over again as Clark put his arms around her. Finally, the laughter subsiding, she wiped the tears from her eyes.
CK: "This is all YOUR fault I guess you know."
Lois was shocked and now yelled at him lovingly.
LLK: "MY FAULT?!
Then trying to whisper, she grinned at him.
LLK: "How can this be my fault!!??"
Martha had heard Lois yell and now wiping her hands, looked towards the outside porch.
MK: "Oh honey, I hope they're not fighting!"
JK: (Smiling) "No, Martha, they're fine, I'm sure!"
Clark now put his arms around his bride and gave her the best impish smile he could.
CK: "I definitely recall the first time and remember wild applause and confetti being thrown!"
LLK: (Pointing her finger on his chest) "Yeah, but WHO made me want to throw confetti??"
Clark humorously stepped back and took a bow. Lois threw her arms around his neck, and they shared a hearty laugh… the mystery had been solved.
Lois and Clark are back at their place. Clark is fixing a sandwich in the kitchen.:) Lois is in their den working at her laptop.
LLK: "Hey, Skippy, would you fix me one too?"
CK: (Giving her a smirk) "Very funny… but not nice!"
LLK: (Looks back at Clark) "You are absolutely right. Skippy is totally wrong for you. Now let me think… who have I seen on a peanut butter jar that reminded me of you? You know that other guy that flies and wears a real cute outfit? Come on, you know!.. Oh yeah!! PETER PAN!"
Lois patted herself on the back playfully, and went back to her laptop quite pleased with her little joke.
Clark emptied a peanut butter jar and tossed it away. He opened the kitchen cabinet, which was now filled with jars of peanut butter and jelly, and took another jar down. Coming to the couch with sandwiches and a milk, he sat down next to his bride and picked up the remote.
CK: "Well, if I'm Peter Pan, you know who you are."
LLK: (Smiling sexily) "Who?"
CK: (Leans and kisses her) "Tink!!"
Lois ran her finger down the side of his face and kissed him softly.
LLK: "Yeah, I'm afraid old Tinkerbell had it bad for Mr. Pan, didn't she?"
CK: (Grinning) "Incredibly bad."
Lois took a bite of her sandwich and smiled at him.
LLK: "Good thing she never met you!"
Clark was smiling from ear to ear and gave her a quick wink. Then going through the channels, he finally settled on one and put the remote down.
CK: "Hey, I was wondering, maybe we should talk to Star about this peanut butter thing. Maybe she can give me some kind of hypnotic suggestion or something. What'dya think?"
LLK: "Well, we're gonna go broke keeping you in peanut butter and jelly and well, I'm starting to get strange looks from the cashiers."
CK: "Maybe you should talk to her."
CK: "Okay… us."
LLK: "And tell her exactly what, Clark?"
CK: "I'm working on that."
LLK: "Is that the business section next to you?"
Clark was preoccupied with the television, but managed to pass her the section she wanted.
CK: "Here ya go! What do you want with the business section?"
LLK: "I wanna check on our stock."
Clark now took his eyes off the TV and gave a questioning look to Lois, who was now smiling oddly.
CK: "You bought stock?"
LLK: "Hmm-hmmm. I thought I'd invest in our future."
CK: "What'd you invest in?"
LLK: (Smiles) "Planters Peanuts!"
Clark gave her a smirk and then reached over and started tickling her on the couch.
LLK: (Laughing out loud) "Clark, STOP!! Watch your game!!!"
Scene opens — shows Lois putting clothes away, Clark is reaching into fridge for a sandwich (they are now pre-made:). He has become Lois' clock.
LLK: (Looking at Clark) "Has it been an hour already!! I'm not getting anything done!"
CK: (Holding up sandwich) "We need to do something about this."
Lois was quickly walking past him, but managed to stop and plant a fast kiss on him.
LLK: "Okay. I agree. There is one way to stop it or at least slow it down!"
Clark reached for her to kiss her back, but she was out of reach.
CK: "UH-UH! But I do think it's time we talk to Star."
Lois came back to him and smiled, her hands on her hips.
LLK: "Oh, this should be good! I'll call her in a minute."
Clark reached over to the trash can and taking out the plastic bag, started tying it up.
CK: "You know I can clean the house in a couple of seconds."
LLK: (Smiling) "No, that's okay. I wanna do it."
LLK: (Hands on her hips again) "Besides, if you did it, then we'd have MORE time on our hands… then you'd be eating MORE peanut butter… "
Clark interrupted her by putting his arms around her and bending down with her, soon he was quickly kissing her all over her face. Finally, he stopped and looked down into her big brown eyes.
CK: "Yes! But think about all that extra time on our hands."
Clark now had his face buried in her neck, making munching noises. Lois giggled softly and put her arms around his neck as he gently let her back up.
LLK: "That is a thought!"
Lois called Star and soon she and Lois sat at the Kent's kitchen table, while Clark stood nervously by.
LLK: "Okay. Now let me explain the problem we're having."
S: (With a matter of fact tone) "First, I should tell you, I'm clairvoyant, not a sex therapist!"
Lois looked at Clark, who simply rolled his eyes and shook his head.
LLK: (Nervous smile) "No, Star, that's not our problem. I mean it is but not quite… well, it's kinda like that, but… "
LLK: "Right! Okay, here we go! Clark is having… cravings."
S: (Gives Lois an odd look) "Cravings?"
LLK: (Nervous laugh) "You know like when women get pregnant, they want all kinds of weird things."
Star gave Clark a strange look out of the corner of her eye. He now stood against the counter with his face in his hand.
LLK: (Still rambling) "Well, I don't think all pregnant women REALLY crave things. It's just a hormonal thing I'm sure. My mother says that it's all in the diet… and well… "
Clark really couldn't take too much more of this and as he listened to her rambling, he started coming unglued. Finally, he knew he had to stop that 8 track going on in her head.
CK: (Yelling) "LOIS!!! Focus!!! Please!"
Lois gave Clark an apologetic smile, she was nervous and rambling; and she knew it.
LLK: "Sorry, sweetheart. Okay, Star, he's having these cravings. Cravings for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, oh, with milk, and well, we'd like them to stop!"
Lois smiled brightly at Star thinking she was through. Presto chango!
S: "Well, I need to know a little more, Lois."
CK: (Throwing up his hands) "I knew it!! Here it comes!"
Lois gave Clark a final, pleading look.
LLK: "You want them to stop don't you?"
CK: (Wide-eyed at Lois) "Yeah. Without telling ALL the titillating details!"
S: (Smiling sweetly) "Let me help here. When do you get these cravings, Clark?"
Clark's shoulders fell and he looked like he was about to throw up the white flag.
CK: (To Lois) "Maybe I should go for a walk and come back."
LLK: "Now that's ridiculous! This will just take a second to explain."
Clark looked at Star, raising his eyebrows, he began his explanation.
CK: "I get these cravings an hour after we… "
Nothing had registered for Star of course. Silence had now filled the room and Clark threw up his hands again. Lois, not to be defeated in this, took Star's hand and made her give her her full attention.
LLK: (Wide-eyed) "Star, an hour after we make… "
Star thinks it's a game show.
S: (Excited) "Don't tell me! I can get this one!"
Clark started rubbing his forehead and Lois softly banged her head on the table. Star now had her fingers to her temples. Finally, the answer came to her like a rocket.
S: "After you make dessert!!!"
Lois got up and quickly stood next to Clark. They both stared at Star in desperation.
S: "Well, I'm not all that good at game shows! After you… make up the bed!"
Clark had now taken a long, deep breath and through clenched teeth, he sweetly explained further.
CK: (Fake smile) "Star… we're newlyweds… GET IT???"
S: (Light bulb explodes) "OH! OH! Oh my!.. I'm sorry… well!"
Lois fell into Clark's arms feigning exhaustion.
S: "Clark, do you know why you're having these… cravings?"
CK: "Well, it started when I was 5."
Star now gave him a very strange, horrified look.
CK: (Alarmed) "NO! Not that! (now tiredly) Lois… help please."
He had had enough and went into the living room, untilLois could make Star understand.
CK: (Mumbling to himself) "This was all your brilliant idea, Kent!! Whatever possessed you to do think up a stupid, idiotic, crazy… "
LLK: (Trying to help) "See, Star, when he was little, he'd come home from school after having a great day. He'd have all these papers that said on them, 'WHAT A GREAT JOB, CLARK!!' His mom, for him doing SO GOOD, would give him a reward, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk!"
S: "I don't get the connection. "
LLK: (Interrupting) "Star! Go with me on this. He had done such a TERRIFIC JOB… "
Star looked at Lois and slowly the light bulb again exploded!
S: "Oh… so actually this is all your fault, Lois."
Clark now ran back into the kitchen and smiling, pointed at Lois.
CK: "YES!!! What did I tell you???"
LLK: (Hand on chest) "Now wait just a minute!! THIS is not MY fault!!"
S: (In her matter of fact way) "Without knowing it, Lois, you enforced a subliminal mechanism in Clark from his childhood by congratulating him on… (smiling coyly at Clark) his performance… shall we say. It's not uncommon you know. It's something Clark has been keeping in his subconscious, simply waiting for the next opportunity to express itself. Now if you had just told him he was fair… mediocre… take him or leave him… you wouldn't be having this problem. BUT!!! You must have given him flying colors and high grades and well there you have it."
Lois' mouth had dropped open and Clark reached over and closed it; he then gently put his arms around his wife's shoulders.
CK: "Star, can you help us out here?!"
S: "Oh darlin' yes! I just have one more itsy bitsy question, Clark."
CK: (Fake smile) "Yes."
S: "Why exactly one hour later?"
LLK: "Ya know, I was wondering the same thing!"
Clark rolled his eyes at both of them and then letting his eyes do the talking, he explained why.
CK: "By the time SCHOOL… (mumbling now)… Lois and I… was OVER… (mumbling again)… well you know… and I got my sandwich, it was usually an hour later."
LLK and Star together: "OH!!!"
Star had Clark in a hypnotic stage, finishing up, and now turned to Lois.
S: "Anything else I can do while I'm here?"
LLK: (Looking at her funny) "What do you mean?"
S: "NOW who's the naive one?"
S: "You know! Anything you REALLY like that he does, that you might like him to do EVERY TIME!"
LLK: (Very embarrassed) "No, Star. I like to be surprised."
S: (Smiling back) "I find that the best way also."
Star now looked at Clark, as if she was studying a painting with a critical eye.
S: "We could make him quack like a duck though every time, that'd be kind of interesting."
Lois now looked at Clark, as if she was studying a painting, but her eyes had a dreamy far away look.
LLK: "Or how about this incredible desire to give me long back rubs every single day!"
S: (Nods) "You go girl!"
LLK: (Coming back from dreamland) "No, Star. He's just about perfect the way he is. There's not a thing I'd change. Just bring him back, okay?"
S: (Smiling at Lois) "You and Clark, you sure are having a good time, aren't you, honey?"
LLK: (Smiling back) "Yeah… yeah we are!"
And with that Star brought Clark back. Lois stopped getting funny looks at the grocery store. They sold their stock in Planters. And they had to start setting their alarm clock and yes they lived happily ever after.
AUTHOR'S ENDING NOTE: FoLCs, I can see this as a great marketing tool also. Picture this! Huge posters everywhere and ads in magazines of: Dean Cain in a tight fitting tee shirt with a peanut butter sandwich in one hand and a glass of milk in the other. He is smiling with the nicest white mustache and poster reads:
MILK - IT DOES A BODY GOOD
A mysterious feminine (you know whose!!!) hand coming around his chest would be a nice added touch!:)
Written September 2, 1996