___________ For the Greater Good by Wendy Richards (w.m.richards@hrm.keele.ac.uk) Rated PG-13 Uploaded February 2000 __________ My thanks go to a number of people: Irene, Yvonne, LabRat, Melisma, Anne C, Marns, Joy, and Helene who read the introduction and provided me with their gut reactions, and especially to Jenni Debbage, Yvonne Connell and Erin Klingler who read drafts as they were written and gave me invaluable feedback and suggestions. I'm also grateful to Laurie Dunn, Susan and Laurie C from the fanfic list for providing an answer to a legal question, and to Joy for advice on US employers and insurance provision, Chris Carr for the suggestion about the fate of Krypton and Irene for help with writing small children. Particular thanks to Dave Klingler for advice in connection with the 'nuclear option.' And also very grateful thanks to the cheerleading section on Zoom's fanfic message boards, very ably led by SheilaH, Nicky, Tank, AliciaU and many others who posted public or private feedback. You guys are a great inspiration, and for those suggestions of yours I've used, I'm most grateful! Thanks also to Laurie Farber for editing beyond the call of duty when she should have been in bed recovering from flu! Most of all, my thanks to Dr Phil Atcliffe, 'Fanfic Engineer to FoLCs Everywhere,' for assistance with a number of physics-related plot points and a couple of other intriguing suggestions. All errors, omissions etc remain entirely my responsibility! I have to give a WHAM warning at this point. This story contains a major WHAM which is indicated right from the start (in the first few pages), and those who have read it so far suggest I recommend having a box of tissues handy when reading. The only further comment I will make is that, like one of our fandom's very top authors, I do believe in putting my toys back in the same condition in which I found them, once I'm finished with them. Finally, the characters in this story (with the exception of Lois and Clark's children) are the property of DC Comics and/or Warner Bros, and no infringement of their or anyone else's rights is intended by the writing and distribution of this story. Feedback, as ever, very welcome at w.m.richards@hrm.keele.ac.uk, or wendy@kingsmeadowcr.freeserve.co.uk Wendy Richards ----------------------------- ------------------------------ - For the Greater Good - Where *was* Clark? He had flown off several hours ago in response to the summons on his UN buckle, a device the United Nations had given to Superman some time ago so that they could contact him when he was needed. There had been nothing on the TV news to indicate Superman's presence in any trouble-spot, so what was he doing? Musing yet again that this was all part of being married to a Super-hero, Lois turned her attention to preparing the children's supper. It had been Clark's turn tonight, but when Superman was needed all such divisions of labour went by the board. Sometimes Lois felt that she understood just what a single parent went through, except that in her case she *had* a partner who was supposed to be sharing the workload with her. If she was managing on her own, she would make arrangements to cope; as it was, she frequently found herself having to rearrange other commitments at very short notice when Clark was called away unexpectedly. Very occasionally, it occurred to her that being a single parent would actually make life easier, since she would *know* that she had to do everything herself, instead of never being sure whether Clark would be able to fulfil his commitments on any particular day. Not that she really minded; well, okay, it was a source of irritation, and she occasionally even allowed herself a few grumbles on the subject to Clark, or more frequently to Martha and Jonathan. She knew all too well that Clark felt guilty enough about having to leave her to cope alone, and had no wish to add to that guilt, apart from the obvious fact that she understood how important his Superman activities were, and fully supported him in them. Martha and Jonathan provided an essential safety-valve on occasion; Lois sometimes wondered just what she would do without them. They were close to being seventy now, and Jonathan was certainly not in the best of health. Later, when she'd put the children to bed with a promise that Daddy would look in to say goodnight as soon as he got home, Lois slowly returned downstairs. There was still no sign of Clark and she was getting worried. He usually tried to let her know what he was doing if he was going to be gone for some considerable time, either directly by telling her where he was going, or indirectly by making sure that his activities were covered on a news broadcast; the reporter in Lois always ensured that she watched the news. But there had still been nothing the last time she'd checked. As she poured herself yet another coffee a few minutes later, she heard a familiar sound out in the back garden; a moment later the kitchen door was thrown open and Superman strode in. He spun back into his normal clothes before approaching her; she was about to hurry to him for a kiss, but Clark fended her off. "Sorry, honey, but do you mind if I say goodnight to the kids first? I really tried to get back before their bedtime, but it was just impossible to get away." Surprised, Lois waved her hand in the direction of the door in a 'be my guest' gesture. There was something wrong. He hadn't said anything, but after six years of marriage she knew her husband well enough to know when he was worried. And he was worried about something now; he had avoided her gaze as he'd walked past her, and he had turned down an opportunity for a kiss. Neither of those were normal Clark reactions, unless he was hiding something from her. Wherever he'd been, there was clearly something seriously wrong. As the low murmur of her husband's voice drifted down to her from upstairs, punctuated by giggles and shrieks from their son and daughter, Lois focused on meeting her husband's immediate physical needs. He would be tired; he was probably also hungry since he'd missed dinner. Well, there was still some casserole left; transferring some to a plate, she heated it in the microwave while musing wryly that Clark would normally tell her not to waste the effort. He would just apply his heat vision, under normal circumstances. But somehow Lois sensed that tonight he probably wouldn't care whether he ate or not, so leaving anything up to him was not a good idea. He wouldn't do it, whereas if she handed him a plate of hot food and a glass of milk on his return downstairs he would eat it because she had gone to the trouble of getting it for him. Several minutes later she heard his tread on the stairs, so she quickly carried through his meal. As she'd expected, he initially protested that he wasn't hungry, but then capitulated; knowing Clark as she did, Lois suspected that it had dawned on him that if he ate, it would give him a chance to delay talking to her about what was going on. Finally he pushed his plate away and turned his gaze to her. Lois couldn't manage to stifle her gasp at what she saw in his expression; his face was drawn and his eyes looked haunted. For all that he was Superman, her husband looked as if he had aged ten years or more in the few hours he'd been away from her. "Clark - what is it?" she asked him anxiously. He stood and reached for her hand, a brief smile flitting momentarily across his face. "Let's go and sit down over there," he suggested, indicating the couch. "This'll take a while - we might as well be comfortable." To her surprise, once they were seated Clark pulled her into his arms, drawing her close to him for a long kiss. It wasn't passionate, but it was deeply needy. In other circumstances, Lois might have thought that he'd been at an emergency where he just hadn't been able to save someone, but not having seen anything on the news she doubted that was the cause of his mood tonight. And anyway, while Clark did obsess when he couldn't do as much as he often felt he should be able to, that rarely left him as deeply depressed as he seemed to be right now. He seemed, at this moment, to be drawing strength from her embrace: because his emotions had been drained by whatever he'd been doing, or because he felt he needed it in order to tell her about what was bothering him? Lois wasn't sure. But she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around him tightly and doing her best to transmit love and reassurance to him. Clark raised his head at last and simply gazed at her face; she smiled lovingly up at him, raising her hand to stroke his cheek. "Whatever it is, honey, we can get through it together. You know what you told me all that time ago - 'being together is stronger than me alone'?" "Yeah," he acknowledged softly. "It's just... Lois, I think this is going to be the hardest thing we've ever faced. And ultimately, we're not going to be able to face it together." What did he mean? Puzzled, Lois searched his face for clues to the meaning of his enigmatic remark, but all she could see was further evidence of the strain he was suffering. Quietly, he asked, "Lois, do you remember the Nightfall Asteroid?" "Of course I do!" she exclaimed, but then her expression grew tense as her brain began putting two and two together and she began to work out just what it was Clark was going to tell her. Playing for time, she recalled the incident he'd referred to, her voice now tentative, a frightened note beginning to creep in. "You flew into space to stop it, and it nearly killed you - you lost your memory for several days and we all thought the world was going to end." "Well, I probably didn't handle that as well as I could have," he commented with a shrug. "I was a bit too cocky for my own good, and I didn't think hard enough about the best way of tackling it. I'd do it differently now." He inhaled deeply. "This... well, it's similar, but a heck of a lot worse." Lois drew back from him and studied him closely. "The UN wants you to fly into space and stop another asteroid?" she demanded, horrified. "Not an asteroid this time," Clark replied quietly. "This is part of an exploded planet, and it's heading for Earth." "What, a meteorite?" "Yeah, I guess so - a pretty large one, though." "How big?" Lois asked anxiously. "At least twice the size of Nightfall," Clark explained. "It's further away at the moment, but its size meant it was more easily seen. If it continues on its present course, it will impact with Earth in about four months' time. And the effect will be catastrophic - the scientists at EPRAD don't think it would be possible for any human life to survive on the planet." Lois caught her breath sharply as Clark concluded his almost monotonic recitation of the facts. But then she caught his arm and gave him a determined stare. "But they can deal with it themselves - even with Nightfall there was the 'nuclear option,' wasn't there?" Clark sighed. "The problem with that is the meteor could shatter, all right, but there's a problem. Because of its composition, once it interacts with a nuclear explosion the pieces would be radioactive, and the scientists think the result would be a nuclear winter once the pieces impact, and the fallout would destroy all organic matter on Earth." "So... the Earth could be doomed anyway?" Lois gasped. "I take it no-one else knows about this yet?" "Nope," Clark agreed. "And I'm sworn to secrecy - or at least, Superman is. But there's no way I wasn't going to tell you about this. The only thing is that the Planet can't print it yet." Lois shrugged. "There'd be mass panic if we did run it. But there must be a way out of the situation - there has to be!" "Yeah, there is," Clark replied, sounding resigned. "Me." "But what can you do?" Lois demanded sceptically. "Not to run down Superman or anything, but if a nuclear warhead would just split this thing into pieces which could still cause massive damage, what can you do?" Clark shrugged again. "The EPRAD scientists and their counterparts at the UN think I could break up the meteor and direct the pieces somewhere else - or at least steer them a tiny bit off course so they won't land on Earth. Or they can give me some powerful non-nuclear explosives, and I could punch a hole in the thing and let the explosion shatter it, and I could deal with the fragments. Or possibly both, depending on what seems the best option at the time." "But, Clark, you can only hold your breath for twenty minutes!" Lois protested. "And you say this thing is further away now than Nightfall is - how on earth do they think you're going to be able to do all that? Or... do they mean you to go when this thing's nearer?" "No - the nearer it is, the more likely it is that pieces will head in this direction once it's shattered," Clark explained. "They want me to go in the next couple of weeks. The longer I leave it, the more likely it is that even if I succeed in breaking up the meteor there'll still be massive destruction on Earth." He paused, gazing down at his hands for a long moment, then focused his gaze on Lois again. "They'll give me an oxygen tank." "Clark, that didn't do you much good last time!" Lois exclaimed. "You lost it somewhere in space!" She jumped to her feet and began to pace the living room. "These people seriously want you to fly into space on what could be a hopeless task - I mean, there's no guarantee that you'll even succeed - and risk your life in the process? I don't believe it! How could they...! How *dare* they demand you risk your life like that!" "Lois, if I don't risk my life on this, the entire planet could die," Clark pointed out quietly. "That's how serious this thing is." Too many thoughts were flying through Lois's brain to allow her to think coherently; the only concept which her mental processes could deal with was the possibility that her husband could get killed on this fool's errand, and that regardless of that possibility, some government scientists somewhere were just demanding that he do their bidding nonetheless. Blinking back tears, she faced Clark again. "You said this was part of an exploded planet - which planet?" It was a non sequitur, a question to distract Clark and to allow her a few moments' breathing space. But his answer, when it came, drained her face of all colour and caused her to sink onto the nearest chair. "It's Krypton, Lois." "Krypton?" Her voice was scarcely more than a whisper. "Then... this thing contains Kryptonite...?" "More than likely," Clark confirmed, his own voice taut with the strain he was feeling. "Then... this is a suicide mission!" Lois shot at him. "There's no way you could survive that, even if you had enough strength to shatter the meteor. The Kryptonite would kill you - or at least take away your powers, and then you'd be stuck in space with no oxygen and no way to get back... or the explosion would kill you anyway, if you did take explosives...." She trailed off as her voice simply failed her. This wasn't just a risky mission; it really would kill Superman. His death would be an inevitable consequence of the venture. If he went.... No, it was unthinkable. He couldn't go. There was no way she would let him go. EPRAD and the UN would simply have to find another way to deal with the situation. "Yeah, it will kill me," Clark replied softly, so quietly that Lois barely heard his words. "I'm sorry, honey - that's why I was so quiet when I got home. I was still trying to take all this stuff in." "Do they know what they're asking of you?" Lois choked out incredulously, her voice cracking as she tried to fight back tears. Clark shrugged again. "I think so - at any rate, they'd already worked out that the meteor is a piece of Krypton, and it seemed as likely to the EPRAD people as it did to me that it would have the same geological structure as the Kryptonite which landed on Earth with my spaceship. That's why the nuclear option won't work, by the way - they tested the effect of combining nuclear energy with Kryptonite, and the effect is that the Kryptonite amplifies the radioactivity. By the time those pieces fall to Earth, even with the effect of the Earth's atmosphere burning off some of the radioactivity, the mixture would still be deadly. And I believe them - they showed me the test results." He sighed deeply. "Yeah, they know what they're asking me, but they also know that the alternatives are far worse. They've even been talking to Bernard Klein to find out the precise effect of Kryptonite on my system - to find out whether I'd be able to destroy the meteor before I get completely overpowered by the effect of the Kryptonite." "So they *know* they're asking you to commit suicide?" Lois gasped. "And they still asked you to do it?" She broke off abruptly as her voice refused to continue; the lump in her throat was almost threatening to choke her. Clark shook his head slowly. "I guess they don't see that there's much choice. According to the guys I spoke to, EPRAD has been working on this thing for a couple of months now, since they first saw it. They've done all the calculations, and they finally decided that Superman is the only solution. So, yeah, they need Superman to make 'the ultimate sacrifice,' as they put it - to give his life for the lives of the whole world." "No, Clark!" Lois cried, finding her voice again. "I won't let you do it!" She ran to his side, throwing herself into his arms. He pulled her into a tight embrace, burying his face in her hair and murmuring incoherent endearments to her. After a few minutes, when she was a little calmer, Clark raised his head and tilted her chin so that she was looking at him. "Sweetheart, I won't make any decision on this alone. We decide together. The problem is...." He trailed off, grimacing, before continuing. "Lois, either I do this and lose my life, or most, if not all, the people on this planet lose their lives in a few months' time. This really could be the Apocalypse, Lois. The world really could come to an end - we thought it was going to happen with Nightfall, but this time there's no way I could stop it at the last minute like I did then. This thing's just too big." "So you're saying that either you die now, or we all die in four months' time?" Lois choked out. "Clark... if I'm going to lose you, I don't want to - " "Lois, no!" He stopped her before she could finish. "Think of David and Beth - you can't want...." He trailed off, unwilling to finish that thought. Their children, Lois reflected; five-year-old Beth and three-year-old David.... "No," she whispered. "But, Clark...." "I know," he murmured, holding her tightly. "Clark, the world can't be going to end! And you can't die!" she exclaimed suddenly. "Remember HG Wells - he told us about Utopia, he brought Tempus from the twenty-fourth century... he said *we* were responsible for Utopia!" Clark gave her a wry smile. "Yeah, I thought about that one. But, Lois, it was our descendants who founded Utopia, Wells said. And... the descendants bit has already been taken care of." David and Beth.... That was the subtext of Clark's words, Lois realised. As that dreadful thought sank in, she realised that Clark was speaking again. "You know, I always wondered why I was sent here, Lois. Why, out of all the people on my home planet, was I saved? Okay, I know we found out later that other Kryptonians escaped as well, but why was I different? It's always seemed to me like there was a purpose to my being sent to Earth, but I never knew what it was. Being Superman was sort of a way to... well, to find a purpose for being here." He stopped, releasing Lois to take her hands firmly in his. "I... well, it occurred to me that maybe this is the reason. That my task is to prevent this apocalypse. And if it means that I die doing it - well, that could be all part of what was meant to happen." Lois's brain, her entire reactions, were screaming in protest at the idea. How could Clark reconcile himself to doing this? How could he even contemplate leaving her, abandoning his children, and flying off to his death? Okay, he had left before in circumstances where they thought he might not return, but it had been different then. They hadn't been married. They hadn't had children. Somehow, Lois had imagined that if Ching and Zara had come for Clark after they'd been married - especially after he'd become a father - he would never for one minute have contemplated going with them. And yet now, he really seemed to be considering doing this awful thing which, even if he was successful, would leave her a widow and her children fatherless. And to think, she remembered inconsequentially, she had been - however briefly - comparing herself with a single parent when Clark had failed to return in time to get the children's evening meal. With an incoherent cry, she wrapped her arms around Clark and held him as if she would never let him go. **************** Much later, Clark lay awake, staring unseeingly up at the ceiling in their bedroom as Lois slept in his arms. Once she had cried herself out downstairs, he had carried her up to their bedroom and left her to prepare for bed while he locked up the house and switched off lights. She had simply clung to him once he'd come to bed, her lovemaking carrying a desperate air as if she was telling him that she never wanted to lose him. He didn't want to leave her! Or their children, come to that. But the situation seemed to leave him little choice. As he'd told Lois, it was a straightforward dilemma. He could undertake this mission, and he would die in the performance of it - that was beyond doubt. Or he could refuse, and stay with his family - only to watch them all, and the rest of the world, die when the meteor or its fragments hit Earth in a few months' time. It was possible that he himself might survive the impact... but how could he live with that, knowing that everyone he loved was dead and that he could have saved them? He would be reduced to hunting out the Kryptonite, to end his own miserable existence. He'd told Lois they would discuss the situation and decide together, just as they had done when Zara and Ching had asked him to go with them to New Krypton. He couldn't have made that decision without her agreement; it had been her life which was being torn apart as well. And he had felt that his loyalty to Lois was more important than his loyalty to a planet and a people he had never known. This was different. No matter how much he loved Lois, no matter how much her opinion mattered to him, there was no way he could refuse to do this. But... he gazed down at his wife as she slept, her body curled trustingly into his, her arms still wrapped tightly around him in sleep. He knew that Lois would not refuse to let him go, no matter what she had said earlier. He knew Lois as well as he knew himself; she would already have recognised, inside, that he had to do it. Now she only had to get used to the idea; accustom herself to the fact that very soon she would be a widow. Clark winced at the thought; it was ironic, he reflected, given that very shortly after they'd got married they had found out that his molecular structure meant that he was likely to outlive Lois by a considerable length of time. Now, she was the one who would be alone after his death. Their children would be without a father. When should he go? Questions which had been at the back of his mind since learning of the situation suddenly flooded into his mind. When... how... who should be told the truth... what could he do first to make things easier for Lois... how could Clark's absence and fate be explained... how could he tell his parents? The children? First things first, he determined. When. When would be the best time? His first instinct was to put it off, to wait until almost the last minute of the time-window EPRAD had given him. But he quickly dismissed that. Sure, he wanted as much time with Lois and their children as he could get; but was that fair to her? Once she knew he was going to die, was it fair to put her through the pain of being with him and knowing that their time was limited? Would it not be better to make it sooner rather than later? And yet there were things he needed to sort out first. Money... the house, the children - all their budgeting was predicated on the fact that they had two incomes. And he didn't have his own life insurance... well, why would Superman need life insurance? he had thought when the suggestion had arisen. But he was in the Planet's pension and life insurance plan, so if some way could be found to prove that Clark was dead, then Lois could collect the survivor's benefit. That should see her financially secure, at least while the children were growing up. Which, of course, raised the question of what to do about 'Clark.' When he'd gone with Ching and Zara, to New Krypton as he'd thought at the time, they hadn't really discussed a cover-story for Clark. It had been partly due to their joint refusal to admit to the possibility that he might not return; although they'd both expected that he might be gone several weeks, to have discussed the need to explain Clark's absence would have forced both of them to acknowledge the likelihood of other outcomes. This time, they both knew he wouldn't be coming back. So perhaps the last thing he should do for Lois before leaving was to stage some sort of accident in which Clark would supposedly die and no body be recoverable, and as Superman be a witness to the accident and the 'fact' of Clark's death? He would try to think of something, Clark resolved; Lois probably wouldn't feel able to discuss it just yet, so if he could present it to her as a ready-made suggestion, it might be easier for her.... He smiled humourlessly. *Nothing* could make this situation any easier for Lois, he knew that. He would only be fooling himself if he imagined that he could do anything to help her through it. And he hadn't even begun to think about Beth and David, how they would react to losing their father. David was probably young enough to recover pretty quickly, but Beth.... This, of course, was something the EPRAD and UN guys had never even considered, Clark thought savagely. Everyone thought that Superman was just this guy in the Suit who flew around rescuing people. No-one even considered that he had a private life, a wife, a family; people who loved him, needed him, and who would *care* that he had to go off and kill himself on a mission to save the Earth. A mission, he reminded himself, which only had about a fifty-fifty chance of success in any case. *That* was one piece of information he hadn't yet revealed to Lois; he wasn't sure whether he should tell her that or not. She might use it as an argument against his going, but he couldn't see it that way. To him, it was a fifty per cent chance that it might *work,* that he might be able to save the planet, the people, his friends, those he cared about, his parents, his children, Lois.... And while that chance existed, how could he not take it, regardless of the consequences for himself? ************** Clark was gone when Lois woke the following morning; she blinked and automatically reached over to his side of the bed, but there was empty space where his body should have been. Not that his absence was at all unusual, but coming the morning after the shock of discovering what the UN wanted Superman to do, it gave Lois quite a jolt. Was this what her future would be like? Year upon year of waking up alone, facing life without her beloved husband? was her instant thought. But what choice did he really have? her conscience instantly reminded her. His life versus the lives of millions of people, including his own family? Her Clark simply wouldn't see that as something which even needed to be considered. If he was still single, she was sure that he would already be preparing to make the journey into space. But he had her; he had their children to think about. That meant that he would discuss it with her, and he would give her whatever time she needed to get used to the idea; but ultimately he would still go. And she knew that no matter how much the idea appalled her, she couldn't stop him. Even if he allowed her to make the final decision on his behalf, she could not selfishly prevent him from doing what he knew to be the right thing. How could she? Even if she didn't care about herself, their friends, the entire population of the planet, there were Beth and David.... None of that, though, meant that she had to be happy about it, she thought savagely. She would dearly love to give those heartless *monsters* at EPRAD and the UN a piece of her mind for just assuming that it was perfectly all right to make those kind of demands of Superman without a thought as to his own needs or wishes, or the needs of people who cared about him. What did they think Superman was? Some sort of unfeeling robot? Someone without any life of his own, who was just there to do their bidding? A further thought struck her: her musings from before he'd arrived home the previous evening floated back into her mind and hit her with the force of a slap in the face. She had been feeling irritated by Clark's absence, and had actually allowed herself to consider that being a single parent could make her life easier. *How* could she have thought that for one second? How could she have ever imagined that she would be better off without him? An old maxim, learnt in childhood, came back to her.... Be careful what you wish for; you may just get it. she protested silently, the tears beginning to swell in her eyes. Never... oh, she had never even wanted to contemplate a life without Clark. A wave of guilt hit her, and she tried to push aside the memory of that stray thought. It had been foolish, and she had not meant it. Did not mean it. She dashed a stray tear from her cheek furiously and concentrated on getting up, and getting the children ready for the day. A news report on TV told her, while she was supervising Beth and David's breakfast, that her husband was upstate dealing with an out-of-control forest fire; that meant she would be unlikely to see him before mid-morning at the earliest, she thought. It crossed her mind that she was almost glad that was the case; she just didn't feel ready to discuss any of this with him at the moment. She needed time to think. The routine of dressing Beth and David, gathering together their belongings and the various items they needed for the day and then taking Beth to school and David to his nursery helped Lois to push her frozen emotions to the back of her mind. Outwardly, she presented the image of a capable, efficient professional; inwardly, she was a mess. But she couldn't allow herself to focus on that for now. For the sake of her family, she had to pretend that this was a normal working day. Clark still hadn't returned from his firefighting efforts by the time she arrived at the Planet, which Lois again found almost a relief. They *did* need to talk about this, but the newsroom wasn't the place, and anyway she needed more time to come to terms with the awful magnitude of what he was proposing to do. She almost called Jonathan and Martha, except that she knew it wouldn't be fair to tell them what was going on before Clark had a chance to talk to them. They were his parents, after all, and with something this serious it was his right to talk to them first - unless he decided that they should do it together. But she did feel a desperate need for someone with whom she could discuss this, someone who would understand her feelings, and who might.... Might what? Might help her to come up with a way around it? *Was* there a way around it, some way in which the meteor could be stopped without Clark having to die in the process? Her hand, which had been busily clicking on the mouse as she scanned her email, stilled and she gazed unseeingly at her monitor. There had to be some other way. Clark had been too shocked to think of one yesterday - after all, he'd been hit with this out of the blue. But if they took their time, thought it through logically, they would find another solution, one which didn't require Superman to sacrifice himself for the sake of the planet. And that was how she could help Clark, Lois realised quickly. He would be too concerned with making sure that she and the children would be okay, working out what he needed to do before... she hesitated, swallowing as the reality of what Clark proposed to do hit her again. Before he began his final flight, his desperate mission into space. But *she* could try to find a solution... first, she needed to talk to Dr Klein. *************** Clark landed silently in the back yard of his parents' farmhouse, quickly spinning into his work suit and marching towards the kitchen door. Martha Kent was inside, baking some bread, and she turned to face her son in surprise. "Clark - it's lovely to see you, but shouldn't you be at work?" He crossed to hug her quickly. "Yes - I'm going there in a few minutes, but I needed to talk to you and Dad first." Although he was trying to behave normally, his expression revealed some of the mental anguish he was feeling, and Martha knew her son too well not to detect it. "Well, your father should be in the barn - he said he needed to repair a tractor part," she offered, deliberately giving no sign that she'd guessed at Clark's emotional state. He nodded and said he'd fetch his father. A couple of minutes later the two male Kents entered the kitchen; by that time Martha had set out coffee and Clark's favourite pecan pie on the table. She noticed, however, that her son ignored the pie and barely touched his coffee. "Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something. Yesterday, the UN sent for me and told me about a meteor which is on a direct collision course with Earth...." The two elder Kents listened to Clark's recitation in stunned silence, Martha reaching for the hands of both her husband and son when Clark reached the point in his explanation where EPRAD had said they needed him to stop the meteor. When he told them that the meteor was in fact from Krypton, Jonathan could barely choke back an exclamation of horror. Martha could only stare at Clark in utter shock. She managed to find her voice at last, and asked, "What are you going to do?" "What *can* I do, Mom?" the frightened but determined voice of her son came back at her. "I can't refuse - if I don't do this, the planet gets destroyed, millions of people get killed. *Lois* gets killed - and Beth and David. How can I not go?" "Oh, Clark...." Jonathan muttered, and grabbed for his son's hand. "Are you sure there's no other way?" "They say they've spent weeks going over options," Clark replied dully. "They've been through all the nuclear options, sending up an unmanned spaceship... none of that would guarantee hitting the meteor at the right point which would ensure that the fragments were small enough not to be dangerous to the Earth. Or that would ensure that larger pieces wouldn't still be on a dangerous collision course. Or that would stop the Kryptonite from interacting with the atomic energy in the nuclear warhead to create a lethally radioactive meteorite shower from hitting Earth. The only way of ensuring that it's done properly is to send me." "But... couldn't you just get close to it, and then fire something at it?" Martha demanded. "If they're going to send you with explosives anyway...." "It seems not - I asked them about that yesterday," Clark explained. "There isn't a weapon powerful enough, unless I was to carry up something like a nuclear warhead, and the effect of that would be uncontrollable, to say nothing about the radioactivity. They say they need me to place their explosives in just the right place, and - assuming I still have the strength and can stay afloat - try to deflect any pieces which might head towards Earth." "Clark... can you do it?" Jonathan asked shakily. His son turned to gaze thoughtfully at his father, his brow quickly furrowing as he saw the expression of pain on the face of the only father he'd ever known. "Dad - with the experience of Nightfall behind me, yeah, I think I should be able to do it. Of course, Nightfall wasn't made of Kryptonite, but I think I should be able to do what I need quickly, before it affects me too badly." Martha grabbed both of Clark's hands tightly. "Oh, sw eetheart, that's not what your father meant! We both believe you're capable of doing what's necessary. But... can you really do this, leaving Lois and the kids behind, knowing you won't come back?" As she spoke, she could see the anguish in Clark's eyes, and she desperately tried to maintain her own equilibrium. There would be time to cry over this later; time to weep in Jonathan's arms as they dealt with their own pain, grief for the loss of their son and the effect it would have on Clark's young family. Clark visibly swallowed. "Mom... that's the hardest part. For me... well, how can I value my own life above the lives of millions of people? That's no sacrifice, not the way I see it. I have to do this. But Lois... and the kids... I don't want to leave them! I don't want Beth and David to grow up without a father; if they inherit my powers, I wanted to be there to show them how to use them! I wanted to see them grow, become adults, see them graduate from college... to be at Lois's side when they get married." He took a shuddering sigh. "But I won't be there for any of that. And I know Lois is devastated...." He stopped again, blinked, then continued. "I told her last night, like I said - she took it badly, but then I didn't expect anything different. She didn't want me to do it, but I know Lois - once she thinks about it, she'll see there's no other way. But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her." "Honey, don't worry about Lois - you know we'll take care of her and the kids," Martha quickly assured him. "We'll come to Metropolis as soon as you want us to, and if you'd like us to take David and Beth for a few days so you and Lois can have some time on your own we'll be happy to do that. And afterwards...." it was her turn to choke on her words; she swallowed before continuing, "After - we'll always be there for her, for as long as we can." "I know you will, Mom," Clark whispered. "You guys are just terrific - I know I'll be leaving my family in good hands." He got to his feet abruptly. "I need to get back to Metropolis. We'll talk to you soon, okay? And if you could come, maybe in a few days...?" Jonathan crossed to stand in front of his son. "As soon as you want us, son." With an inarticulate sound, he wrapped his arms around Clark, pulling the younger and much stronger man into a fierce embrace. Clark responded, holding his father tightly though with his usual care not to over-use his strength. When Clark pulled away, both men had tears streaming down their cheeks. Martha stepped forward and, a lump in her throat, said, "Clark, I want you to know that we are so proud of you, and we'll always be proud that you were our son." "Mom...." He trailed off, unable to continue for a moment. "I've always been grateful that it was you guys who found me. You've been the best parents I could ever have hoped for... and I know my kids couldn't have better grandparents." He wrapped his arms around Martha, and she held her son tightly feeling, for a few moments, as if the strongest man in the world was relying on *her* for the strength to continue. "Go on, Clark," she told him firmly at last. "You have a lot to do, and you need to be with Lois." He nodded, stepping back, and less than a minute later they heard the familiar sound of Superman taking off from outside the house. Once he'd gone, Martha allowed herself to crumple into her husband's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. *************** Lois marched swiftly through the corridors of STAR Labs towards Dr Klein's office; she had called ahead to ascertain that he was in and would be available to see her. She tapped sharply on the door of his laboratory and walked in at his invitation. The scientist was bent over a microscope, an assistant beside him scribbling things down on a clipboard. He didn't immediately look up, so Lois waited; after a couple of minutes, when he still seemed oblivious to her presence, she coughed loudly. "Umm... oh, Ms Lane!" He straightened, seeming surprised to see you. "Yes - you did say you could talk to me now," she reminded him. "Oh, I did, didn't I...?" He glanced around uncertainly for a moment, then seemed to recall himself to his surroundings. "Claire, that'll be all for now," he said crisply to the assistant. "I'll call you when I need you again." She nodded and quickly left the lab. "I assume you wanted to talk in private?" Klein asked Lois once the door had closed behind the assistant. "Yes. Please," she replied, determined to remain calm and matter-of-fact about this, but finding that her voice was shaking all the same. "Ms Lane - Lois - are you all right?" Far from being embarrassed or awkward at her obvious emotional state, Klein's voice was surprisingly gentle. She pulled herself together swiftly. "Yes, I'm fine. It's just... Dr Klein, I need to talk to you about Superman and this meteor." His surprise was evident, although he quickly tried to school his features into a puzzled look. But Lois was having none of this. She knew that Bernard Klein knew all about the UN's request - Clark had told her. Although he hadn't been present at the previous day's meeting, he had been consulted by EPRAD and had given his professional opinion that Superman would indeed be capable of destroying the meteor, albeit at the cost of his life. "Dr Klein... Bernie - Superman's told me all about it. Clark and me, that is. I know, he was sworn to secrecy, but we're his friends. And you don't need to worry that we'll print it - you should know us well enough by now to know that we can keep secrets." "Oh, I do!" he assured her quickly. "It's just... oh dear, I really can't think... I don't know what to say!" "No? You were quick enough to tell EPRAD that Superman could destroy this thing," Lois flung back at the uncomfortable-looking scientist. "Even though it would kill him." "Oh my..." Dr Klein muttered, clutching onto the counter for support. "Lois - please, you have to understand that Superman's death is the last thing I want! Superman is... well, I consider him to be my friend! I'm his personal physician, in a way, and I... am really very fond of him. The last thing I ever wanted was.... Oh, dear Lord, Lois, you can't believe I want him to do this!" Lois grimaced. Bernard Klein was not the villain here; it seemed he was pretty distressed about the whole thing. Which was good, she told herself. It meant he would be on her side; they could work together to find an alternative solution. She sighed and stared directly at the scientist, waiting for him to meet her gaze. He did after a moment, and the agony on his expression was clear to see. He ran one hand agitatedly over his bald temples, clearly not knowing what to say to her. "Bernie." Her voice was deliberately calm, though she had not felt calm inside since the shock of the previous evening. "I need you to help me. We have to think logically on this. There *must* be another way to deal with this... *thing* which doesn't involve Superman having to kill himself!" "But... we've done all the calculations, over and over! We ran the data through the computers hundreds of times, ran simulations, tested dozens of hypothesis... Lois, it all came back to the same result. The electro magnetic pulse would be lethal, there would be little chance of any life surviving on the planet. The only thing that can possibly save the Earth from being destroyed is if Superman flies into space and destroys the meteor." "And you know that it's Kryptonite? What that'll do to him?" Lois pointed out grittily. Klein sighed heavily. "I know... oh, God, I know! And I wish there was another way - no-one could want that more than I do!" Lois thought grimly. She raised her gaze to the scientist's again. "No bombs - nuclear weapons?" "The effect would be catastrophic, Lois!" Klein protested agitatedly. "So you say... but just what would EPRAD, the government, the UN, the whole damn lot of you have done if Superman hadn't been here in the first place?" Lois demanded angrily. That was just one of the things which had been bugging her since early morning. Oh, she knew that most of the time, when he was contacted, Clark was glad to help. That was what he saw as his duty. But there were so many times when the official requests for help turned out to be for things which the military, the UN, the emergency services *could* handle themselves, though it would take a little longer and be a little more expensive. Superman was too much of an easy option sometimes. Klein blinked. "If we didn't have Superman.... Lois, this isn't like the Nightfall Asteroid. Then, if Superman hadn't been here, the nuclear option could have worked. This time, this thing is so much bigger, and since we already know the properties of Kryptonite... it would be so radioactive by the time the pieces hit Earth it would be off the scale of a Geiger counter. We'd be looking at total annihilation." "Why can't he just push it a little - you know, to throw it off course, alter its trajectory?" Lois suggested then as the idea occurred to her. "Surely he'd be able to do that!" But Klein slumped back against his lab counter. "We've been through that as well. I know Superman's capabilities better than anyone, Lois, even almost better than he does himself. It's not just that it's set on its course and pushing it aside would be tough, even for someone with his powers. But he's going to start losing his powers as soon as he gets close to the thing and that's going to make it impossible. Our only chance is for him to fly at it as hard as he can and smash it with his body. If he manages to plant some explosives at the same time, then that's even better. Better still if he retains his powers for long enough to direct some of the larger pieces away from Earth, though EPRAD say they can deal with fragments as long as they're not radioactive, which they would be if they used nuclear weapons...." The scientist trailed off, realising that he had drifted off the original subject. "But pushing it requires more time than he'll have once his powers start to go." Klein sighed deeply, his expression again revealing his own deep depression. Lois began to pace, throwing her arms about as she thought frantically, muttering simultaneously. "Damn military... never can solve their own problems... why does everyone assume Superman will just do what they ask him...." Bernard Klein jumped back in alarm as her pacing took her close to him, but she retreated again as she continued to think. Suddenly she stopped dead and stared at him. "A lead suit! You know, like a diving suit - couldn't he wear something like that?" she threw at him. Klein's eyes lit up briefly as he grasped the idea, only to dull again after a second or two. "No, it wouldn't work. Lead is really too soft to be made into a suit anyway, and apart from that Superman would need pure and unbroken coverage to protect him from the Kryptonite. Pure lead will just tear as soon as he tries to use his strength, in which case it's worse than useless." He began to pace his laboratory, one hand stroking his bald head agitatedly as he spoke. "This is going to be the most intense Kryptonite Superman has ever faced. We just don't know how effective lead would be as a shield against it, but it would have to be 100% pure lead, not leaded glass or anything like that - and that'd mean he wouldn't be able to see what he was doing!" Barely pausing for breath, Klein continued, "And his powers don't really work adequately through lead. Oh, I know he's used his Super-breath in a lead-lined room, but the tests I've run so far suggest that it's unlikely that he'd be able to fly easily or quickly, or use his Super-strength to punch a hole in the meteor. And even if he was able to fly as normal, and if he could manage to use his powers in such a way that he didn't tear the lead, it's so cold in outer space the lead would freeze and then shatter on impact, and he'd be just as vulnerable to the Kryptonite." Lois visibly slumped. "So you're telling me there's no alternative?" she whispered despairingly. "I'm afraid so," Klein said sadly. "Lois, I hate this as much as you do.... I really wished I'd never met Superman when I realised why EPRAD wanted to talk to me." Realising again that this man really did care about Superman as a person in a way, perhaps, that no-one else did, Lois smiled wryly at him. "No, I'm glad you're his doctor, Bernie. At least I know I can trust you to look out for his interests - I'm not sure anyone else would. You've shown us before how much you care about him. Clark and I will always be grateful to you for that, and I know Superman is too." Klein met her gaze and returned her weak smile with a sad one of his own. "I'll never forget him, Lois. He is the most... the most honourable, decent man I have ever met." "I know," she whispered, then turned and hurried from the lab before her emotions could get the better of her once again. ************** It was late morning by the time Clark arrived at the newsroom; he glanced around quickly but there was no sign of Lois. A closer examination of her desk confirmed that her purse was missing, which suggested that she had gone out somewhere. He couldn't help experiencing a swift sensation of relief; since they couldn't talk properly at the Planet, he hadn't been looking forward to working close to her all day with the knowledge that they still needed to discuss things hanging over them. He wasn't even sure what he could say to her when they did get a chance to talk. She had been adamant the night before that she didn't want him to go; but even if millions of people's lives weren't at risk, there were David and Beth to consider. He couldn't reconcile abandoning them to their fate, even if Lois didn't care about herself. And anyway, even if she took the view that she didn't want to go on living if he was dead - which she had choked out at one point while she'd been crying in his arms - she had no choice, as he saw it. Beth and David needed her. They couldn't let them be orphaned. He was sure that in the cold light of day Lois would be seeing things differently; he just wished that he hadn't had to go out before dawn. At least he would have had a chance to see her, talk to her - however briefly - before they'd had to get the children dressed. Grimacing, he turned his attention to his computer and, once he'd dealt with his email and other urgent work at something approaching Super-speed, he began to compile a list of things which he would need to deal with over the next few days. Sort out all the paperwork relating to the house, make sure all bills were paid up to date, find out the rules of the Planet's insurance plan as part of making sure that Lois and the kids would be financially secure... they had both made wills shortly after they'd been married, and when first Beth and then David had been born they'd amended them, so there should be no problems there. The biggest problem would be coming up with an explanation for what had happened to Clark Kent, but Clark thought he could probably find a way around that. He'd have to discuss it with Lois - or would she not want to talk about it? Lois.... Suddenly he sensed her presence; glancing around, he saw her exit the elevator. Quickly he saved his document, creating several levels of password in order to prevent any accidental access - including access by Lois - and pulled up a file relating to one of their current investigations. By the time she reached his desk, he was adding some text to the document. He turned to smile at her, noticing the strain in her expression and the evidence of redness around her eyes. She'd been crying again. "Hi honey," he murmured softly. "I missed you." That had been the wrong thing to say, he realised as soon as he saw her flinch; his words had obviously made her realise that *she* would be missing him on a permanent basis very soon. He closed his eyes briefly as he tried to think of a way to recover, but as he returned his gaze to her face he saw her force a brief smile. "I had to go out," she explained uninformatively. "What have we got?" Clark sighed inwardly; she was giving him clear clues that she wanted to steer conversation away from the personal. Though wasn't that what he'd wanted himself? He'd admitted that they couldn't discuss the real issue at work, and it would be far too difficult to carry on as if there was nothing wrong in the interim. Reaching out with a long arm and snagging a nearby chair, he pulled it up to his desk so that she could sit beside him as they worked. But it wasn't as easy as he'd hoped to concentrate on work, and as noon was approaching he turned his head so that he was looking straight into Lois's eyes. As she met his gaze, her reaction was almost like a startled deer; her eyes widened and she almost backed away from him. He caught her arm in a gentle grip. "Hey, honey, what is it?" "Nothing - you just took me by surprise, that's all," she replied, her eyes darting to the side. "Come on," he said quietly. "Let's get out of here - we're due a break for lunch, and I can take us somewhere quiet... we can talk...." He wasn't prepared for her reaction. "No!" Backing away, Lois got to her feet and started to move away from his desk. "I need to... there are things I have to do... I don't have time, Clark." She turned and, mindful of the other staff in the bullpen, walked casually to her own desk. It had been a long time since Lois had shut him out over something, but Clark felt shut out now. He couldn't even understand why: surely, with this meteor hanging over them, she understood the need for them to talk to each other, to share their fears? They had to make the most of every precious moment they could still have together. She *had* to understand that - but why was she refusing to acknowledge it? About to follow her to her desk and challenge it, he halted abruptly as his Super-hearing cut in. A plane was in distress on its approach to Metropolis Airport; he'd have to go and help. As he soared high above the rooftops of the city on his way to the emergency, it crossed his mind to wonder, with a wry twist of his lips, how the city - the country - would cope without him. *************** She had hurt Clark earlier, Lois knew, and guilt was now eating away at her. She had known, while they had been working side by side at his desk, that he was hurting inside. He hadn't needed to say anything; he was her husband and she knew him almost as well as he knew himself. The enormity of what he was contemplating doing some time in the next couple of weeks had to be terrifying him, quite apart from the fact that he had to face the reality of leaving his wife and children to go on without him. Was this how it felt to have a partner with a terminal, incurable illness? She wasn't sure; perhaps it was, but then there was usually no-one to blame. Lois wanted to scream at the government and UN bureaucrats who'd felt that they had the right to demand that her husband sacrifice everything because they couldn't manage to come up with some other solution to this impending disaster. But then, Dr Klein had seemed convinced that there was no other solution, she reminded herself slowly. Either Superman destroyed the meteor, or it would destroy the planet or a good part of its population. And - she was sure those same bureaucrats were arguing - what's one life against many millions? That was the question Clark had also faced, she knew. He had tried to explain it to her the previous evening, but she'd still been in a state of denial over the whole thing. She knew Clark too well to believe that he would ever put his own well-being or happiness above that of other people - especially when some of them were people he loved. She had already recognised that he would do what had been asked of him. And, having spoken to Dr Klein, she would support him. She didn't want him to go - oh, how could she face losing him? But he would go with her love and support, even if not with her encouragement. *************** "Lois - sweetheart - we need to talk," Clark said gently as he returned downstairs from putting the children to bed. He had taken longer than usual over the task, partly because he was aware that there wouldn't be many more opportunities and he wanted to cherish his family while he had the time to do so, but also partly because, he was aware, he was subconsciously putting off the task of talking with Lois. He wasn't sure whether she would still try to avoid the conversation, and he couldn't allow that to continue. Not that it was a discussion he particularly wanted to have either, he reflected grimly. But she came over to him, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her head against his chest. "I know, Clark. I've... been shutting you out today, and I'm sorry," she whispered. He enfolded her tightly in his arms. "I don't blame you, honey. This has got to be the hardest thing we've ever faced, and unlike some of the other things we've been through in the past, we're not going to get out of this one unscathed." She leaned back against his arms, her face tilted upwards so that he could see the pain in her wide brown eyes. "*You're* not. Oh, Clark, I love you so much and I don't want to lose you!" Tears glistened in her eyes, and he instantly cradled her in his arms, sweeping her up and carrying her to the sofa where he sat with her on his lap, stroking her hair as she sobbed into his shirt. Some time later, she lifted her head and gazed at him again. "I know you have to do this. I don't want you to, but the alternative is far worse, isn't it?" "Lois, I can't allow the alternative to happen if there's anything I can do to prevent it," he told her heavily. "I know," she murmured. "That's always been one of the things I love about you - you always need to do what's right. You never compromise about that. You are the most decent, truly *good* man I have ever known, or ever will know, Clark." He swallowed; he'd promised himself that he wouldn't get emotional over this with Lois. It had been bad enough that morning with his parents. But it was so hard.... "I went to see Mom and Dad this morning," he told her, and related the events of his visit to Smallville to her. "I'd like them to come here," Lois agreed quietly. "I think... it could help. Anyway, they'll want to say goodbye to you too when you...." She trailed off, unable to finish the statement. "Yeah," he agreed thoughtfully. "Lois, we need to talk about when - I mean, the EPRAD people need to know, and there are other things I'll need to do before...." "Oh, God, Clark, we have to *plan* when you're going to die!" Lois exclaimed, her voice cracking as she stared in horror at him. He closed his eyes briefly; he'd known some of this would be difficult. "Lois, honey, you know I have to make plans. If it'll help you, I could not tell you when I'm going to go - but do you really want me to walk in one evening and tell you that I'm leaving the next morning? Don't you want some say in this?" Lois was silent for a few moments, then she asked, "What latitude do we have?" Clark shrugged. "I have about two weeks, they reckon. And they'd prefer me to set off in the early morning, but beyond that it seems to be up to me as long as I give them notice." "Okay, two weeks' time then," Lois stated abruptly. Clark tightened his hold on her, resting his chin on her head briefly. "I can... but is the waiting, the knowing it's going to happen, going to be too much for you?" "Clark!" she almost shouted at him. "What do you think - that I want you gone tomorrow? If you're telling me that I can only have up to two weeks more with my husband, the man I love more than... more than I ever thought I could love anyone, then I want every single day of those two weeks!" Clark felt as if his heart was breaking for her. "Lois, do you really think we can carry on as normal at work for the next couple of weeks, with this hanging over us?" "Then we'll take vacation time," she retorted. "Honey... you'll probably need it afterwards," he pointed out softly. "Afterwards...." She stared at him wide-eyed. "How are we going to explain... Clark, when you left for New Krypton I know part of the reason we didn't have a cover story was that neither of us wanted to face the possibility that you wouldn'tbe back very soon. This time... Oh, God...!" Tears shimmered in her luminous eyes. "Lois, I'll see to it, trust me," Clark assured her gently. "If you want to discuss it, we can - but the easiest thing would be for me to fake some sort of accident. And I'm going to do some research in the next couple of days on the Planet's insurance plan's rules. It probably won't pay out until I'm officially declared dead, though, so you'll have to wait a while. But you'll have our savings account and your salary still...." "Clark!" Lois stopped his flow of words by shaking him. "As if I care about money right now - " "Honey, you'll have to. You'll have two kids and a house to support on one income," he pointed out. She nodded bleakly, accepting that he was right. "Clark... I just wish there was some other way," she choked out eventually. "Me too," he agreed huskily. "I talked to Dr Klein today," she continued quietly. "It's okay - I didn't give away your secret. But I needed to know whether he thought there was an alternative.... He didn't," she added at his questioning look. "We talked about it for a while - he's really upset too, Clark. I really had no idea how close he feels to Superman." Yes, the scientist would be upset, Clark reflected. He - as Superman - had become very close to Bernie Klein over the years, far closer than he had allowed himself to become to anyone else who didn't know the secret of his identity. And Dr Klein had been the one to confirm not only Superman's ability to destroy the meteor, but the certain eventuality that he would die in doing so. Yes, Bernie would be devastated. He would have to visit the scientist, assure him that Superman bore him no ill-will. And there was something else.... "Lois - what would you think if I said I wanted to tell Bernie who I am?" he asked suddenly. "I really think we can trust him - I *know* we can trust him. There've been so many times when he came through for us - he even disobeyed government orders once for me. And also," he continued carefully, "there's Beth and David. I know they're just normal kids at the moment, but at some point they'll probably develop Super-powers and invulnerability. They'll need a doctor who understands - and I can't think of anyone I'd trust to take care of my kids other than Dr Klein." Clark paused again, studying Lois's face in an attempt to detect a reaction. She was still, listening to him. "I know your father's a doctor, honey, and I'll always be grateful to him for saving my life that Christmas, but he's not an expert in Kryptonian physiology. Bernie Klein is." Lois stroked his face for a few moments before answering. "Clark, if you want to tell him, I'm happy with it. You're right, we can trust him. And I know I'll have your parents, but I think it will help me to have someone else I can really talk to about you - the *real* you, not Superman, not Clark, but the whole person. Beth and David are too young to understand, and they won't remember you like I do - I will." Tears trickled down her cheeks again and Clark brushed them away gently with his fingertips. "Then we'll tell Bernie. And is there anyone else...? Your parents?" Clark hesitated suddenly as he realised that Lois could tell anyone she liked the truth about him once he'd gone; and yet somehow he knew that she would take his secret to her own grave, partly out of love for him, and partly to protect their children. "Maybe," she replied huskily. "Perry, perhaps." He nodded. "If you want. To be honest, I'd like that as well. You know it's always been important for me to protect my identity, but it's been really tough lying to people I consider close friends. I *know* Perry would never tell anyone - he may be Editor-in-Chief of the Planet, but he'd never betray us." *************** Lois watched Clark playing with the children the following morning with a sense of desperationin her heart. It was clear that he was determined to make the most of the time he had left; although he had always been a loving and attentive father, this morning he seemed to be giving Beth and David even more of his attention. They loved it, of course, laughing and shrieking as he carried them, one under each arm, from the kitchen back up to the bathroom to get washed before leaving. In that moment, Lois realised that she had been unfair to Clark: since he'd told her about what he had to do, she had only been thinking of her own and the children's loss. But Clark had voluntarily agreed to give up everything he held dear, the life and the family he had wanted so badly. She couldn't imagine what it had cost him to make that decision. But watching him with their children had raised another issue, and once David had been dropped off at his nursery and they were alone in the car, Lois turned to Clark. "What do you think we should tell Beth and David?" He stilled, his hands clenching on the wheel, before he gave her a wry smile. "Nothing. How can we? David's far too young to understand, and Beth... even if she did understand, how could she cope with knowing I'm leaving? I know it'll be tough for her afterwards, but I don't want her knowing before I go." Lois saw the tiny muscle twitching in her husband's jaw and knew that she was right about his innermost feelings. He was hating this as much, if not more, than she was. "I guess you're right," she agreed. "We'll just have to make the most of the time we have with them as a family." Maybe it would be a good idea to take some vacation time after all, Lois mused; they could take Beth out of school and just spend all their time with each other and the children. Maybe they could go somewhere on their own - Clark could fly them somewhere, perhaps. They'd kept Superman away from the kids as much as possible, but just for once it wouldn't be a problem. They were far too young to know that the Man of Steel was their father, but if Clark was careful they probably wouldn't recognise him. Clark's voice intruded on her thoughts. "Lois - how about telling Jimmy as well? He's been a great friend to both of us, and I... well, I admit I'd be happier knowing that he knows the truth and will be looking out for you and the kids too. And...." He trailed off, taking a long indrawn breath instead. "And you want him to know who you really are before it's too late?" Lois prompted softly. The request hadn't surprised her; she'd expected it after Clark's comments about Dr Klein and Perry the previous evening. And it would be good to know that Jimmy was someone else she could talk to about Clark in the future. "Yeah - you want to tell them today?" she added. Clark nodded. "Later." It was several hours later when Clark came to Lois's desk and jerked his head towards the other side of the newsroom. Jimmy had just arrived back from an assignment, his camera in his hand; these days Perry encouraged him to combine his talent for photography with reporting. He was now one of the more talented of the junior staffers at the Planet: no longer a gopher or trainee photographer, he was in line for promotion to senior reporter the next time there was a vacancy. Jimmy Olsen at twenty-nine still had the irrepressible sense of humour he'd possessed at twenty-one, but now alongside that he had a strong sense of responsibility and dedication to the job. Lois went to get Jimmy and Clark headed towards the Editor-in-Chief's office. "Chief - Lois and I want a word. In private, if you don't mind." The serious tone of Clark's voice had Perry White frowning as he looked up. "Sure, Clark - you want to shut the door?" "Well, actually we'd prefer to use one of the offices upstairs, if that's okay." Perry raised an eyebrow, but followed Clark out of his office and towards the elevator. Lois and Jimmy joined them, to Perry's obvious surprise, but neither he nor Jimmy asked any questions. In the upstairs office, Clark closed the door and Lois noticed that he discreetly lowered his glasses for a brief moment. Checking that no-one was in either of the next-door rooms, she assumed. "So what's this about, you two?" Perry asked crisply. "Better be important, dragging us all the way up here like this." "It's important," Lois replied abruptly, in a brittle tone which earned her a raised eyebrow and very curious look from Jimmy. "Lois..." Clark murmured, before turning to his colleagues and friends. "We have two things we want to tell you about. But before we can tell you about either of them, we have to have your word that none of this goes outside this room. This is *not* for publication, okay?" Jimmy agreed quickly; Perry gave his star reporters an assessing stare before nodding slowly. "If you tell me this is confidential, then I respect that." Clark nodded in acknowledgement. "First, I should tell you that there is a meteor heading for Earth which, if it impacts in four months' time as predicted, will destroy the planet." "Judas Priest!" "Holy cow!" Two astounded faces stared at Clark as two jaws almost hit the floor. "Hold on," Clark continued hurriedly. "Yeah, this is serious, but as you can imagine the government, the UN, all the top scientists have been working together to find a way to deal with it. Remember the Nightfall asteroid?" "How could I forget?" Jimmy demanded with a low whistle. "Yeah, I remember," Perry commented slowly. "That sure was a close call - I remember putting together what I thought for sure was the last ever edition of the Daily Planet. And Alice was away with the boys...." "But Superman saved the day!" Jimmy remembered. "Hey - you mean that's what's going to happen - Superman's going to destroy this one too?" "Well, he'll have a darned good try," Clark replied ruefully. "Clark, you telling me the Planet can't report this?" Perry interjected before Clark could continue. Clark sighed. "I'm telling you that for now the UN and the government are trying to keep a lid on it - they don't want mass panic at this stage. I know it's not our job to help them suppress news, but...." He paused, then seemed to draw himself up to his full height, his jaw becoming taut. "But it's more complicated than I've told you so far," he added after a moment. "This meteor is part of an exploded planet, and the planet is Krypton." Jimmy's shocked response this time was predictable, but Perry's took Clark by surprise. The sixty-year-old editor drew in a sharp breath and fixed his gaze first on Clark and then on Lois, a strange, watchful expression on his face. "CK - you're saying this could kill Superman?" Jimmy asked, his face suddenly pale. "Yeah. Not could - will," Clark agreed. "Within the next couple of weeks - that's the time window EPRAD's given." "But there must be another way!" Jimmy demanded. "We've been through all that," Lois put in tiredly. "Superman's the only option. It seems it's either him or all or most of the Earth's population." "When you put it like that...." Jimmy muttered, still visibly shaken. This was where it got harder, Clark told himself, and deliberately straightened up. "I told you there were two things. The meteor is the first. The second is...." He paused briefly. "I wanted to tell you this myself, and please believe me that there were good reasons for keeping it secret before." Ensuring that his listeners' attention was focused on him, he undid the knot of his tie and quickly opened the first three buttons of his shirt so that the Suit under his clothes became visible. Jimmy's expression grew puzzled as the blue Spandex came into view, the top of the S shield just about visible. Perry, however, remained still. "I'm Superman," he explained quietly. "Wow... CK, that's... I don't believe it!" Jimmy exclaimed, then swiftly putting the two pieces of news together in his mind, he took a sharp intake of breath. "Clark... *you* have to go and... Oh God!" "Yeah," Lois whispered. "That's pretty much what I thought." "You poor kids," Perry muttered. "I could never have imagined.... Look, Lois, Clark, if there's anything I can do, or the Planet...?" "Yeah, me too," Jimmy interjected quickly. "Look, I can't imagine what you two are going through, but you're two of my best friends and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you." "I know, Jimmy," Clark assured him quietly. "And I'll be a lot happier knowing you're looking out for Lois and the kids." Jimmy nodded, swallowing. He glanced swiftly at Clark then. "Look, I know this isn't really the time, but - Clark, you've saved my life more times than I can remember. I just want to say thanks, buddy." On impulse Clark crossed the small room to stand in front of his friend, then swept Jimmy into a brief, warm hug. "You're welcome, Jimmy. That's what friends are for, huh?" Releasing the younger man, Clark added quietly so that only Jimmy could hear, "Take Lois back downstairs for me, please?" Jimmy stepped back and turned towards Lois. "Better get back to work - Lois, got a minute? I could use some advice...?" Clark saw Lois throw him a questioning look; he smiled briefly at her and signalled with his eyes. She got the message and followed Jimmy out, leaving Clark alone with the editor. "You knew, Chief," Clark said; a statement, not a question. Perry nodded. "For how long?" The editor shrugged. "Few years. I guessed around the time you'd been here two years, then when you left with those New Kryptonians I was sure. The way you looked at Lois, you being shut up in my office with Jonathan and Martha Kent before you left - well, it was pretty obvious then." Clark stilled. "I guess I was a little careless." "Well, you don't get to be a man in my position without noticing a few things," the editor drawled. "But none of that's important, Clark. How the heck are you going to do this - and how in tarnation can you leave Lois and those beautiful kids behind?" Clark sighed heavily. "Chief, I have no idea. But what I do know is that I have no choice. It's every bit as bad as I told you." "Yeah, I can see that. Clark, I... I just don't know what to say." The editor straightened, pulled himself together. "What can I do to help?" "Well, I do need to check out a few things - like how Lois will be off financially, since all I can do to cover my absence is arrange that Clark Kent 'disappears,' presumed dead. I don't know how long it will take before the Planet's insurance plan pays out the death benefit." Clark sighed again, glancing down at his hands. "That's where I can help, son," Perry replied firmly. "You leave that to me - you're still on payroll at the Planet, and you will be until there's an official confirmation that Clark Kent, not Superman, is dead. I'll make sure of that." Clark removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, more relieved than he wanted to let on that Perry had removed that particular worry from his mind. "Chief, thank you. That's one less thing to worry about." The editor was looking at him, shaking his head slowly. "I've known about you for six or seven years, Clark, and yet, seeing you in your work clothes but without your glasses... you have no idea how different you look." "So I've been told," Clark murmured in a voice laced with irony. "Right - one more thing before I get back to work," Perry added. "As of now, you and Lois are on paid leave. So you collect your wife and both of you get on out of here." "Thanks, Chief," Clark responded heavily. "I won't say I'm not grateful. And... I'll see you again before I... you know," he gestured vaguely. "I know you will, son," the editor replied quietly. "Go on, now." Clark exited the room, grateful for his boss's understanding. Surprised that Perry didn't immediately follow him, he glanced back and caught an expression of deep sadness on the older man's face. *************** Clark had obviously wanted to talk to Perry alone, Lois realised as she followed Jimmy out of the small office; even after six years of marriage his protective instincts were still as strong as ever. She was taken by surprise when Jimmy touched her arm. "Lois? Are you... okay?" She turned and threw him an impatient look; what did he think? She was going to lose the man she loved more than anythingin the world, in less than two weeks! "Okay... look, I'm sorry, that was insensitive," Jimmy added hurriedly. "It's... I just can't imagine what you and Clark are going through right now." No, he couldn't, Lois mused; no-one could. Even Martha and Jonathan - she had spoken to them on the phone early that morning, and it was clear that they were devastated as well, appalled at the prospect of Clark's certain death. But the fact that they were hurting as much as she was meant that she felt awkward at telling them just how she felt; she didn't want to add to their pain. She turned to Jimmy and gave him a wry half-smile. "Sorry. Yeah, it's tough." He caught her arm suddenly. "Come and have a coffee with me," he urged. "The place down the street should be pretty quiet right now, and we can talk. Or you talk, I'll listen. Whatever you might think, I can be a pretty good listener, Lois." Yes, maybe he could, she reflected. And it would help to talk to someone who wasn't as intimately involved with the situation. "Yeah, I'd like that, Jimmy. Thanks." "It must be pretty scary for you both," he said hesitantly after a while, as they exited the Planet building. "Scary... yeah, you could say that," she agreed with an ironic laugh. "I don't even want to *think* of Clark actually doing this thing... flying out into space on his own, and the Kryptonite... I've seen what he's like when he's been affected by it before, and it always tears me up inside to see him. But this time... there'll be no-one to help him, no-one to take it away from him...." She swallowed, then forced herself to continue. "He'll die. Probably in pain, and no-one will be with him to comfort him. And I hate the thought of that. And I don't even know what'll happen to him. He'll be outside the Earth's atmosphere, so there's no gravity, so his body's unlikely to fall back down to Earth - so does that mean he'll just float around in space? He'll freeze, or get bloated, or both? Or explode? Maybe he'll even get caught up in the explosion when the meteor blows." She stopped abruptly, blinked a few times, then forced herself to calm a little. Jimmy remained silent, simply listening, and Lois took the opportunity to let out a number of the fears and thoughts which she had been locking up inside. "And besides Clark... it scares me to think of a future without him in my life, Jimmy. You know what I used to be like, before he came to the Planet - you know how hard he worked to get me to notice him and accept him. And... and I never could have believed I'd love anyone so much. He is all I ever dreamed of in a man, and far more besides." She swallowed again. "And now I'm going to lose him. Our kids will grow up forgetting what he looks like, what his voice sounded like, how it felt to be held in his arms... they'll never know how it feels to fly in his arms...." Her voice trailed off. "Lois...." Jimmy's hand was on her arm in a comforting gesture. "We'll tell them all about him, you know we will. You, me, Perry, his parents... we'll make sure they don't forget him. And you have videos, photos, right? They'll know him. Not the same way we know him, but he won't be just a name to them. And he'll never be that to us." It had been a good suggestion of Jimmy's, she thought an hour later as they returned to the Planet. She'd got rid of a lot of anger: against the government and other agencies who seemed to think that Superman was simply theirs to command; against people in general who would have no idea just what a sacrifice Superman - and his family - were making for them, and would probably not even be grateful; against whatever fates had conspired to rob her and Clark of their happiness. And Jimmy had been as good as his word; he had listened, not commenting other than to make sympathetic noises, and had joined her on the bench-seat at her side of the table when tears had overflown yet again; he had held her head against his shoulder and let her cry. When her tears had dried, he had assured her that she could call on him for help any time she wanted, for babysitting, help around the house, or any time she wanted company. She'd forced a smile and suggested that it would play havoc with his love life. "Some things are more important," he'd replied soberly before getting up to accompany her back to the newsroom. Clark was sitting on the edge of her desk as they walked in; he raised his head to smile at her. "I'm sorry - we went for a coffee..." she began to explain. But he shook his head. "No problem. I wondered where you'd gone, but then I went out and looked...." He made their private signal for his flying. "I'm glad you had a chance to talk to someone, and Jimmy's a good guy." Standing up and wrapping his arm around her shoulders, he added, "Come on - Perry's just told us we're on vacation, so I reckon we should get out of here before he changes his mind." "Perry's given us time off?" Lois demanded as they descended to the parking garage. Clark nodded. "He's right, honey - I certainly can't concentrate on reporting right now. Can you?" She shrugged. "I wanted to take time off anyway. I want to spend the time we have with *you,* not with the Planet staff and half of Metropolis." She paused and studied her husband's face. "What were you talking to Perry about?" He shifted position before answering, leaning against the elevator wall with his hands deep in his pockets. "He knew, Lois. About me, I mean." "That you're Superman?" she asked quietly. Clark nodded. "He's known for years, honey - but he never said a word." For *years*? Lois stared at Clark as she tried to assimilate that information. Did that mean that Perry had known before she had? How had he found out anyway? Clark's gaze met hers and he smiled at her, his brown eyes twinkling. "I think he guessed first around the same time you did, love," he murmured softly, the smile still hovering around his mouth. "But he said he wasn't sure until I left with Zara and Ching." "I guess... we were a little open with our feelings for each other then," Lois replied thoughtfully, wondering who else might have realised. But on the other hand, Jimmy had been there as well and clearly hadn't figured anything out. "It's always been hard for me to hide how much I love you," Clark commented, a husky note to his voice as his unblinking gaze held hers. "Even before you knew I was Superman, there were times when I just had to fly away before I gave myself away completely." Lois took the couple of steps which took her to his side, and he enveloped her in his arms. She strained up towards him and his lips descended to claim hers, his kiss hungry and driven by desperation as they clung to each other. The elevator door opened at the parking level, but they were oblivious to it. He let her go after a few moments, hitting the button to hold the door open before leading her out. "Lois - that's why I don't want you to be there when I leave," he said abruptly as they walked to the Jeep. She frowned, unsure what he meant. "At EPRAD - I'll be taking off from there," he explained. "I don't want you to come." Lois stopped abruptly, stunned. What was he saying? He didn't *want* her there, didn't want to let her share his very last minutes on Earth, their last chance to say goodbye? A lump sprang up in her throat, threatening to choke her. "Clark...?" "Oh, Lois...!" He pulled her against him, his arm around her shoulder. "Honey - don't misunderstand, please! It's just - it's going to be tough enough for me to leave you as it is. If you're there... and I know how hard it's going to be for you... if you were there, I just might not be able to do it. And - there's no way I could hide how hard it'll be for me to leave you, and you're not going to be able to hide your feelings either. But for Beth and David's sake, we can't let people know who Superman really is. You know that." She supposed that made sense, but that lump in her throat just refused to disappear as a vision entered her head of Clark, in his Superman suit, surrounded by virtual strangers as he made his last lonely journey. "Will Dr Klein - Bernie - be there?" He shrugged. "I don't know - I guess I could ask him. On the other hand... well, I think I'd prefer to say goodbye to people I care about in private." He opened the car door for her and joined her a couple of seconds later. "What do you want to do for the next couple of weeks, then?" "Just be together - you, me and the kids," she answered quietly. "And if you want Jonathan and Martha to come...?" "Yeah, that'd be good. You want to go somewhere? A cabin in the mountains, maybe?" That sounded good. Yes, they could go away for a few days, maybe a week, to spend some time on their own without interruptions. "I'd like that, Clark." He nodded. "I can arrange it - one of the guys I shoot baskets with has a place he lets people use when he isn't there. We could go tomorrow if he's not using it. It won't matter if Beth misses a few days of school right now." "No - spending time with her father is far more important for her," Lois retorted, a little acerbically. Clark shot her a sharp glance, but remained silent. **************** "Lois, tell me honestly - do you think I'm not putting you and the kids first?" They'd just got home, and Lois had barely closed the door of the town house before Clark had swung around and thrown his bitter question at her. "Clark...?" "Come on - you made it clear in the car! That jibe about Beth spending time with her father - you think *I* want to miss out on her growing up?" Clark's manner was agitated; he paced about the living-room with his arms outflung as he threw the angry question at her. "It wasn't a jibe - " "No? Sure sounded like it to me!" he retorted, his voice rising. "Lois, just who do you think is getting the rough deal here? You think I *want* to run off and leave my family every time some emergency comes up, lose out on spending time with my kids, leave you to cope alone, spend days digging people out after an earthquake when I could be playing with my son and daughter? There've been times I was afraid they'd barely know who I am, that they'd think I was just some stranger who comes to see their mom now and then!" He stopped abruptly, then strode to the window and stared out, continuing in little more than a choked whisper, "Now all my worst fears are coming true. David won't remember me at all - I'll just be some guy in a photo, and Beth'll just about remember me, as the father who walked out on her." He swung back to face her suddenly. "Lois, I promised you I'd be a better father than your dad was to you and Lucy. But... I'm going to be far worse, and I can't do a damn thing about it!" Lois had listened to his tormented accusations in silence, struggling to fight back her own tears; she'd spent too much time crying lately. She'd had no idea Clark had felt that way about having to leave his family to go and be Superman; although she sometimes found his absences frustrating, she'd tended to assume that he simply accepted it, that it was all part of the role he'd assumed when he'd put on the Suit for the first time. And yet... she ought to have known, should have understood. She'd had his powers for several days, and she'd known how difficult it was to have anything approaching a normal life when there were so many demands on a Super-hero's time. He was perfectly right to suggest that she'd been insensitive, ignoring his feelings while concentrating on her own pain. She crossed the room quickly and wrapped her arms around his stiff, unyielding body. "Clark... I never realised. I should have understood. I'm so sorry." He remained very still for a moment, then his arms closed tightly around her, so tightly that she knew she'd have bruises, but she didn't care. Right now he needed comfort, and she would give it. "Clark - it's not selfish to want to tell them you won't do it!" she insisted firmly, freeing her hands so that she could cup his face, seeing the unshed tears in the desperately sad brown eyes. He inhaled deeply before replying. "No? And you think I could live with myself if I didn't?" "Clark, do you think I could live with myself if I pleaded with you not to, to stay with me instead?" she threw back at him. "I understand the guilt, believe me," she added softly. "There've been times in the last thirty-six hours when I wanted to beg you not to go, to make you tell the UN and every other busybody involved in this thing to get lost and sort out their problem some other way... but Dr Klein convinced me that there *is* no other way. And I know that if I was selfish and used your love for me to make you stay, I couldn't live with the guilt. I *know* you're torn - I am too!" He gazed down at her in silence for a few moments before replying. "Yeah, that's just exactly how I feel, Lois. I want to scoop you up, and Beth and David, and fly us all somewhere we'll be safe, and just let the rest of the world fend for themselves... but even if I could protect us when this thing impacts, I couldn't stop hating myself for putting my needs over the rest of the world's. And what sort of life would that be, even if we survived?" His voice was husky, deeply emotional, the tears he wouldn't allow himself to cry choking in his throat. Lois pulled his head down to her shoulder, cradling him in her arms; she realised suddenly that this was a reversal of roles. In the time since he'd told her about the meteor he had been the one to comfort her, to hold her when she cried tears of grief and pain for her impending loss. She had barely thought about Clark's pain; she had been far too focused on how this thing would affect her and the children. Silently cursing her selfishness, she stroked her husband's hair as she tried to work out what must be going through his mind. He had mentioned his feelings about missing out on his children's growing up, and it was very clear that this was something which he felt very strongly about. He was quite right: her own father's example wasn't one either of them had wanted to replicate with their own children, and when she'd been pregnant with Beth they had had many earnest conversations about the extent to which he'd have to go and be Superman. He had cut back on his rescue work quite substantially around that time, and although it had picked up again a little since then, there were still incidents he ignored which, a few years ago, he would have helped with. "Clark... I've been very self-centred," she murmured contritely at last. "I've been completely ignoring how you feel in all this. I've just focused on how it'll affect me and the children...." "Lois - of course you have!" he replied instantly, raising his head again and staring at her. "It's going to have a pretty major impact on you! And you have to consider that, and tell me what you need me to do in the next week or so, while I'm still here." She shrugged helplessly. "I know we need to be practical, Clark, and I know you're trying to sort out as many things as possible to make it easier for me. But... you have to talk about how *you* feel about this! You haven't yet... and I need to know." He was silent for a few moments after that, and as she gazed at him in loving concern, she saw that he wasn't looking at her. His eyes, part-obscured as usual by the glasses he didn't need, were focused somewhere in the distance, his thoughts clearly very far from the present. After a while he turned back to her, then dropped his arms from around her so that he could remove his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose in a gesture which she had long ago decided was pure nervous habit: there was no possible way that the frames of his glasses could actually pinch. "When they first told me about the meteor, and that I was the only one who could stop it, I was... angry," he told her, his voice a curious monotone. "I thought - well, I guess you can imagine. I know you can - you said it yourself the other evening. I'll do what I can to help anyone who needs it, the world knows that. But when it comes to asking me to take crazy risks when conventional solutions, even if they're slower, are available... well, I was feeling used, and I was prepared to tell them so and then walk out. "Then the chief scientific officer told me that there were no other options, and when he showed me the simulations... well, I was convinced. But, you know, all I could think about at that point was you... and how I was going to tell you I was going to have to fly into space again. I knew you wouldn't like it." His mouth twitched in a humourless half-smile. "In fact, I knew you'd be furious, all ready to take up the cudgels on my behalf, and I was already working out what I could do to convince you." Lois bit her lip as she listened to Clark's quiet account; it was so typical of her husband that even when he was being faced with such a nightmarish task his main concern would be for her. "Then...." He hesitated briefly, his jaw twitching, before continuing. "Then they told me they were sure it was Krypton. The co-ordinates matched the information they had from me and from the New Kryptonians about where Krypton had been, and from their studies the density and structure looked right. That... that about poleaxed me, Lois. Up till then, I'd been thinking about how fast I'd need to fly to make sure I could get there and back before I ran out of breath, and how I could hit the meteor to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes as I did with Nightfall the first time. But when I realised it was Krypton... yeah, it sank in pretty quick that I wouldn't be returning. And that they knew it too." The bleakness in his expression shocked Lois to the core; somehow, ever since Clark had told her about this, she had assumed that he had in some way resigned himself to what he had to do, and that it was only she who was angry, wanting to find a way - any way - to avoid the inevitable. But it was now clear that Clark was equally despairing, seething inside with a quiet frustration. He didn't want to die any more than she wanted him to - and from what he'd said a few minutes ago, he'd spent a lot of time over the past couple of days dwelling on everything he would be missing out on. He inhaled deeply again. "Lois - you know I have to do this. *I* know I have to - there really is no choice. I guess... it must be the Kryptonian side of me which won't allow me to do anything other than what's right," he said in a tone of voice which seemed to Lois to be almost apologetic. Did he still think he had to explain why he'd made the decision to go? Lois shook him lightly, unwilling to allow that statement to stand. "Clark - you know that's not true! The Kryptonian in you, if he was anything like Ching or the others, would be telling you to leave this planet and its people to their own fate, that it's not your problem, that you should just save yourself! But you've never thought like that," she reminded him firmly, in a voice which shook despite her best efforts. "And that's what I love the most about you - that you're so caring, so unselfish... and that's all Clark Kent. That's the part of you which has more humanity than anyone who actually is >from this planet!" She reached up and stroked his face again; he leaned into the caress, turning his head to kiss her hands. "I'm sorry I yelled at you," he whispered, his eyes contrite. "Don't be," she told him softly. "You needed to let off steam, and I'd rather you did it with me - I love you, and I know you didn't really think I.... Clark, let's do what you said, let's go away for the time we have left," she urged him quickly. That would be the best thing, she thought, the best way to make the most of the thirteen days they had left together. As she watched him regain his composure, she remembered another occasion on which she had thought she'd lost him, when his Super-powers had been needed to save the life of their good friend Jimmy. That hour or so waiting for him to return from STAR Lab had been the worst of her life since he'd got rid of the New Kryptonians. She had really thought he might have sacrificed his life for Shenk and Jimmy. Then he had asked her to meet him at this house; the sight of him sitting in the window embrasure had almost made her heart stop. He'd looked strangely... mystical somehow; it had only been an optical illusion, but the way the sun had poured in through the window and over his shoulders had almost made his body transparent. For a second she had almost believed she was looking at a ghost. But then he'd smiled at her, and she'd known he was real. He'd told her then, when she'd ached for him over the years he had lost, that it wasn't the years that mattered, it was the moments, every one, as they happened. But they'd both thought they'd have many years of 'moments' yet. Now, knowing that they had less than two weeks together, each moment of those days was especially precious. Now, he was smiling down at her, a tender, loving, appreciative expression. "Okay - I'll call Pete and organise the cabin, you go and start packing the kids' things." **************** They went first thing the following morning, after Clark had flown to Smallville to bring his parents to Metropolis; Jonathan had persuaded Wayne Irig to look after the farm for a couple of weeks, longer if Lois needed them, he had assured Clark. The children were delighted and excited to have an unexpected holiday from school and were full of plans for things to do once they got there; their chatter in the car helped to lighten the mood, since all four adults were finding it difficult to relax. As soon as they'd arrived the kids wanted to go exploring; Lois touched Clark's arm gently. "Go. Spend some time with them." He frowned at her. "But don't you...?" "I have things I want to do here. Besides, they deserve these memories," she whispered back. He gripped her hand tightly, swallowing visibly, before running after his son and daughter. "Hey, wait for me!" he called after them; no-one who didn't know him as well as she did would realise that his laugh was forced, Lois thought as she watched the tall man and the two young children, so like their father in appearance and behaviour. Martha touched Lois's arm lightly. "Are you okay, honey?" "He's such a terrific dad, Martha!" Lois exclaimed softly, tears in her eyes. "It's just so unfair... Why? Why did this have to happen?" "No-one knows why these things happen, Lois," Jonathan's gentle voice replied. "All we know is that we have to deal with them, and you and Clark are doing just fine." "Come on, let's get unpacked," Martha urged, leading Lois inside. Shouts and laughter a couple of hours later heralded the return of the rest of the Kent family; Lois gazed out the window and saw Clark approaching with David riding on his shoulders while Beth clung to his free hand. Beth's long dark hair, so like Lois's in colour, bounced in the breeze as she ran, her face turned up to gaze at her father. She worships Clark, Lois mused, realising once again just how devastating his disappearance from their lives would be for her children. Turning away from the window, she went back into the large sitting room and pretended an interest she didn't feel in that day's Planet. In bed that night, Lois clung to Clark and made love to him frantically, refusing to allow him to sleep until they were both exhausted and the dawn rays were already beginning to creep through the curtains. They didn't speak apart from murmurs of 'I love you,' and when they did finally sleep she lay pressed up against him, clutching his body tightly, desperately, to her. This man had invaded her heart, taught her how to love when she'd believed that there was no such emotion in the world. How could she bear to let him go? **************** "Mom, can you and Dad look after the kids for a couple of hours? Lois and I have something we need to do," Clark asked over a late breakfast the next morning. "Of course, honey," Martha agreed warmly. "Are you going somewhere nice?" Clark raised an eyebrow ironically. "STAR Labs. We need to see Bernie Klein - I called him last night and he's expecting us." The two elder Kents nodded in understanding; Clark had already told them of his desire to be honest with the scientist who had become his friend. "Can't we come with you, Daddy?" Beth demanded. "I'm afraid not, sweetie," Lois quickly replied. "This is just something Daddy and I need to do - we'll be back as soon as we can." "You taking the Jeep?" Jonathan asked quietly. Clark shook his head. "We'll leave it in case you and Mom want to use it - I'll take us in." He needed to wear the Suit in any case, he reflected, so Superman might as well fly Lois back to the city. Lois touched Clark's arm as he was about to scoop her up a little later. "Are you nervous about this, honey?" He grimaced. "I guess it's going to be another difficult conversation. It was tough enough telling Perry and Jimmy, knowing I was also telling them I'd be...." He trailed off, unwilling to use the words which would remind them both of his impending fate. "Come on, let's go." He landed, unseen, behind STAR Labs a short time later, quickly spinning back into his own clothes once Lois had slid to the ground. They were both dressed casually today, but he didn't expect that Dr Klein would worry about that. Swiftly he led Lois around the site of the building and then up the entrance steps, informing the receptionist that they had an appointment. As they approached Dr Klein's lab, Lois suddenly took his right hand in both of hers, in a grip which he sensed was intended as supportive; a picture flashed into his mind of another occasion when she'd held his hand in exactly that way. They had been going to meet Zara and Ching, to tell them that Clark would go with them to New Krypton to help defeat Lord Nor; they had decided to go together, to reinforce to the New Kryptonians that they made decisions as a couple. Was this decision more painful than that one for her? he wondered. She'd told him that then she'd held onto some faint hope that he would return; this time they both knew that wasn't an option. He gripped her hand tightly in return. The scientist hurried to meet them as soon as they entered the lab; he was alone, and he immediately locked the door before turning to them. "Lois, Clark, I'm so glad you're here!" he exclaimed. "I need you to get in touch with Superman for me - I still can't believe that after all these years I don't know how to contact him! Ask him to come and see me, please. I don't know why he hasn't come himself...." "Dr Klein," Clark interrupted. "It's about Superman we want to talk to you - " "And ask him to bring a spare Suit, please," the scientist continued, not waiting for Clark to speak. "Why do you want one of Superman's suits?" Lois asked in surprise, pre-empting Clark who, although he had also been puzzled at the request, really wanted to get on to the reason for their visit. Bernie's reply took him very much by surprise, though. "I want to see whether I can make any modifications to it," he explained, darting over to one of the lab counters and poring over a chart. "He told me that when he went to destroy the Nightfall asteroid the oxygen tank.... well, I think I can find a way to secure it to his outfit which won't impede his flight or increase the wind resistance, and it should stay with him." Clark heard Lois gasp. "Dr Klein - you mean Superman could do this and survive?" Her voice was full of sudden hope, and as he turned to look at her he saw her hand held to her throat, her expression tense. But Klein shook his head, a response Clark had expected. "Lois, there's still the Kryptonite, and in such a concentrated form...." He swallowed visibly, then turned to look at Clark. "You'll never know how much I wish I'd never told the UN Superman would be able to destroy this thing. If I'd only been a little bit more cautious in my estimates... maybe they wouldn't have asked him. Or maybe he'd have refused to go if he'd thought he wasn't likely to succeed...." Clark could only watch, helpless, as the doctor paced about the laboratory, clearly agitated. He made several attempts to interrupt, but Bernard Klein wasn't listening. "Lois, Clark, I've been Superman's doctor for seven years now, and I consider him to be my friend - and now I feel like I've betrayed him!" Clark stepped forward and laid his hand heavily on the scientist's shoulder >from behind. "You haven't betrayed me, Bernie. And I do consider you a friend - a very good and true friend." In his need to console his friend and doctor, he momentarily forgot that he wasn't in the Suit and spoke in Superman's voice; Klein stopped abruptly and swung around, confused, clearly looking for someone. "Clark... I thought I heard Superman!" "You did," Clark explained quietly, thinking that this was the easiest way to do it. "Bernie...." He increased the pressure on Klein's shoulder, then added softly, "You've been a good friend to me for a long time, and you're the only real friend Superman has. That's why I'm surprised you haven't already guessed." "Guessed what?" Klein was wild-eyed, confused and almost at a loss for words as he stared at Clark. "About Superman - about me," Clark answered. Slowly he removed his glasses, brushing back his hair with his other hand and then standing straight and tall in front of the doctor. "Oh my lord... it's you!" Bernie clutched at the counter behind him for support then, finding that it wasn't enough, he took a couple of steps backwards until he was leaning against it. "Yes, I'm Superman," Clark clarified. "And I'm sorry I haven't been to see you in the last couple of days - I've just had a lot to do." "You're married... you have kids!" Bernie exclaimed in horror. "You can't do this, Superman! You have to tell EPRAD and the UN that you can't go." "He has to go, Bernie," Lois interjected quietly. "I hate the idea too, of course I do, but he has no choice. *We* have no choice." "Oh, this all makes so much sense now!" Klein muttered. "All those times when I wondered... the way you and Lois were always the only people who could get hold of Superman, why Clark never seemed to mind Lois being so close to.... Oh lord! Cl - Superman...." "It's Clark, please, Bernie," Clark replied gently. "And I'm sorry I had to keep this secret from you for so long. You'll understand that this is a pretty big secret, and up until this meteor, the only people who knew were my parents and Lois." "Oh, I'll never tell anyone," the scientist quickly assured him. "I may seem absent-minded, but I know how to keep a secret." "We don't doubt it," Lois replied quickly. "And I think even if this hadn't happened we'd have told you the truth sometime soon. The children," she explained at his curious look. "They're half-Kryptonian, and you're the only expert on Kryptonian physiology around... we thought we'd probably need your help in a year or two." "Possibly sooner than that, honey," Clark interjected, realising that he hadn't told Lois the latest news. "Yesterday Beth took a tumble when we were out in the woods. I checked her over and she seemed fine - she was barely hurt, and there was no damage that I could see. This morning she doesn't even have a bruise, and I'm pretty sure any normal kid would." "Her invulnerability's beginning to kick in," Klein mused excitedly. "How old is she?" "Five," Lois answered automatically. "Clark, you didn't mention - " "I'm sorry," he told her quickly. "I meant to." Turning back to Bernie, he continued, "So will you take care of Beth and David for me? I need to know there's someone I can trust keeping an eye on them." "Clark, of course I will!" came the instant reply. "I just wish there was any other way...." He didn't want to hear it; he'd been hearing the same words over and over from his parents, Lois, and a couple of days ago Jimmy and Perry. It didn't help at all, and he was getting heartily sick of sympathy when there was absolutely nothing which could be done. Interrupting the scientist, he said quickly, "I know. Bernie, I want you to know that we didn't just tell you the truth today because of the kids. I meant it when I said that you've been the only real friend Superman's had here, and I wanted you to know who I am." He inhaled deeply, glancing at Lois and taking in the fact that she was looking equally uncomfortable with the heightened emotions. Before he could speak, however, he noticed that Bernie's expression had changed. The scientist now looked agitated, as if some new thought had occurred to him. "Bernie?" "Clark, I... oh, I'm not sure I should be telling you this, but you call me a friend, and I can't *not* say anything...." he whispered, looking both guilty and ashamed. "Telling us what?" Lois demanded swiftly before Clark could respond. "Well... Lois, you have to promise that you won't tell anyone I told you this!" Bernie demanded, a hunted expression on his face. "Bernie, you know you can trust us," Clark said reassuringly. "What's the problem?" "It's not a problem exactly, just.... Clark, Lois has probably told you that when she came to talk to me about this before we discussed whether there was any way you could be protected against the Kryptonite. I couldn't think of anything, I don't think there's anything which would work... but when I was out at EPRAD a couple of days ago I overheard a conversation...." "You mean there *is* a way Clark could survive this - and no-one's telling us?" Lois demanded furiously. "What the... who do these people think - " "Lois." Clark placed his hand on her arm, trying to calm her; he could see that her response - however justified it might be - was not encouraging the scientist to finish his explanation. "No, I don't think they know of anything," Bernie answered Lois's question. "It was their attitude which really upset me.... It seems the President had been asking whether there was any way something could be designed which would shield Superman from the effects of the Kryptonite. But the Pentagon feels that any form of protection, unless guaranteed 100% effective, will merely encumber Superman and perhaps lead to a false sense of confidence which will lead to failure...." He trailed off, looking distinctly awkward. Clark inhaled sharply at this, and glanced at Lois to see that she was equally incandescent. "They really think I'd let myself get complacent about something as important as this?" he demanded incredulously. "How *dare* they?!" Lois expostulated, her voice coldly, furiously angry. "That does it, Clark, you're not going to do it. If those... *bastards* in the military can take that kind of callous attitude to your safety, your *life,* then you don't owe them any consideration at all! So you can just fly over there right now and tell them what they can do with their mission - " "Lois...." Clark's voice held that familiar calming note, and he quickly moved to her side to wrap his arms securely around her. He understood exactly how she felt - damn it, he wasn't overjoyed at this information himself. It was yet more evidence of what he had suspected for some time: that the military simply regarded him as a useful, but ultimately expendable, item of emergency equipment. A *thing,* not a person. And he was once again amazed at how much the knowledge hurt. All he had ever tried to do, since discovering his powers, was to use them for the benefit of others. He was still willing to do that, even at the sacrifice of his life. He'd made that clear to the people he'd met with to discuss the meteor. He had told them that he understood that what they were asking him to do would cost him his life, and that given the greater need of the planet, he was willing to make that sacrifice. The least he could have expected was some honesty and consideration in return, he felt now, his thoughts turning bitter as he cradled Lois against him. Again, the thought flitted through his mind that he should find somewhere safe - dig a deep crater somewhere, and take his family and closest friends with him, where he could try to protect them from the impact of the explosion and then bring them to safety when it was all over. But as quickly as he considered it, he dismissed it. Even if it were possible - which he doubted - he just couldn't do it. "Lois, I can't let everyone die just because a couple of idiots at the Pentagon have lost all sense of reality," he told her wryly. She was still in his arms for a moment, taking in his words. Then she pulled back, gazing up to meet his eyes. "No, I guess you can't," she said heavily. "But I want people to know how these guys think.... Clark, I'm going to write this story, after.... And when I do, I'm going to let the public know just how the military thanked Superman for his sacrifice." Out of the corner of his eye, Clark saw Bernie shuffle uncomfortably, and he remembered the scientist's original request. "Bernie - Lois won't write anything if you don't want her to," he assured his friend. "Honey, I understand how you feel, but we can't get Bernie into trouble over this." Lois's eyes flashed, but she seemed to accept his decision. Clark had had enough by now, however, so he turned back to Dr Klein. "We have to get going, Bernie, but I'll come back later with that Suit you wanted." At that, he turned to Lois, extending his hand to her. "Come on, honey, we need to get back." As the door to the lab closed behind them Clark glanced back, to see Bernie Klein crouched over his workbench, his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking. One person who would miss Superman, not for what he could do, but for who he was, Clark reflected sadly, as he swiftly pulled the door shut behind them. **************** "Clark - you can't just let this drop!" Lois insisted once they were airborne again. "You know it's not the first time the military's shown they couldn't care less about you. They would have killed you when you were working with them to free the world from those renegade New Kryptonians, and when the red Kryptonite made your powers go crazy they were all set to shoot you with a green Kryptonite bullet!" Her voice shook as she spoke, from anger and appalled disbelief. "I know," he agreed quietly. "You know? What sort of an answer is that?" Reaction was now setting in for Lois, and to her surprise she started shaking involuntarily. Clark obviously noticed, for he focused his attention on the ground and a few moments later began to drift downwards. Once he'd landed in a deserted area of the mountains, he held Lois at arm's length and used his heat vision to warm her up. "I *do* know how you feel, honey," he repeated quietly, though cold, disbelieving anger was visible in his brown eyes. "And I agree with you. I don't trust the military chiefs either - they see me as a convenience, no more. And they wouldn't hesitate to dispose of me once I stopped being a convenience - that's why I'll always be grateful that we found Bernie Klein and that he became the expert on Superman. We can trust him, he's proven that a number of times. He won't just blindly go along with whatever the Pentagon wants." Yes, they had been extremely fortunate with Bernie, Lois agreed. But how could they ignore the fact that the military wasn't even interested in the possibility that there might be some way to help Superman get out of this alive? She had so far accepted the word of everyone concerned that there had been no way for him to survive. But if the government wasn't even *trying* to find a way, in case it made Superman complacent.... Her lip curled at the word. Who knew? - perhaps if the government had insisted, told the Pentagon where to get off, someone might have found a way. But no - it wasn't even on the agenda, let alone a priority. "Clark... you can't let them treat you like that!" she protested. He shrugged helplessly, his fists now clenched by his sides. "What can I do, honey? You know I have to do this anyway. And regardless of whether the military, or the government, care whether there's a way out for me or not, I trust Bernie when he tells me there isn't. I know he's considered all sorts of options, and he's got the existing research we did on how lead affects my powers and how it shields me from Kryptonite. No-one understands my powers better than Bernie." "And you want me to protect him," Lois added softly. "You want me to promise not to reveal what he told me, in case the source is traced back to him and someone takes retaliatory action?" "That's about it," Clark agreed. "Look, Lois, I'm all in favour of you exposing the military's attitude. But use what you've already got, and do some investigating of your own. I know you can - I have enormous faith in your abilities, honey. Just keep Bernie out of it." Lois nodded. She would write that story, and it would be the best piece she had ever written. This was too important to be ignored; it was essential that the world not only got to know that Superman had sacrificed himself in the cause of saving the planet, but also that even in the act of making that sacrifice, the military chiefs who had asked him to do it, as always, made it clear just how expendable they'd viewed Superman. And the more heads which had to roll as a result, the better. ***************** Over the next few days at the cabin the strain was visibly increasing for the four adults. They tried to keep it hidden from the children, but it was very difficult; Lois was extremely grateful for Martha's ability to maintain a calm exterior and for Jonathan's quiet, solid strength. Only after the children had gone to bed did they allow their real feelings to show; sometimes then Clark would mutter that he needed to do a patrol and would disappear for up to an hour. Lois tried not to be hurt about these disappearances; she knew that he was hurting inside, and also trying to cope with his family's increasing despair. He needed time to himself, a means of working off some of the frustration, and if going flying or whatever he did when he went out helped him to do that, she was glad. She knew that he was still trying to come to terms with what Bernie Klein had told them about the military's attitude to his life; although he hadn't mentioned it since and he'd insisted that they weren't to tell his parents, she knew it was still very much on his mind. His night-time patrols probably helped him to sleep, as well; she was aware that for the first few nights after his visit to the UN Clark had barely been able to sleep at all, and on at least a couple of occasions he had gone out as Superman when there hadn't really been any need, just to keep himself occupied. He wasn't aware that she knew about this: she'd pretended to be asleep both when he'd left and on his return - he had enough on his mind without worrying about her sleepless nights as well. Or her nightmares, she thought bleakly. On a couple of occasions she'd had nightmares about this situation, either seeing herself at her husband's funeral or herself finding Clark's battered and burned body. Thankfully, as far as Lois was concerned, Clark hadn't been there either time when she'd woken up, panting and desolate, after the nightmare. She knew that there were things they needed to discuss, but neither she nor Clark seemed able to raise the subject. She was aware that Clark had been discreetly ensuring that their finances were in order - nothing too obvious, probably because he didn't want anyone in officialdom to suspect suicide when Clark Kent disappeared. But before they had left for the cabin he had spent some time in their study and when she'd joined him after a while, all their records and documents were tidied and labelled in files, all the bills sorted and the home accounts package they used brought up to date. She had glanced at him, eyebrows raised, but he had simply given an embarrassed laugh, remarking that she'd always called him an obsessive - he was only reverting to type. she wondered now. Because it wasn't a situation either of them had ever envisaged, planning for the expected death of one of them. And maybe because Clark was finding some solace in the little tasks which would assure him that his family would be materially secure after his death. He had always had a strong need to protect those around him, a need which, Lois was sure, sprang not only from his Kryptonian-inherited Super-powers, but also from the very human person Clark Kent was. The old-fashioned country boy, son of farmers, would instinctively want to look after those he loved. And instead, he had tried to focus their private discussions on the good times, reminiscing over their shared past, laughing together over mistakes they had both made in their longpath to becoming a couple. In retrospect, some of their past decisions or actions had been laughable, such as her description, in the very early days of their acquaintance, of Clark as the 'before' and Superman as the 'way, way after.' They were also able to laugh over Clark's jealousy of Dan Scardino and hers of Mayson Drake; it had been their own insecurities in each case which had done more to keep them apart rather than the intervention of any other person. Talking about the good times helped; and Lois was certain that, for Clark, it was serving to help him take his mind off what was to come and to reinforce his sense of the bond between them. But there were other things they really needed to discuss, she mused, and she needed to get Clark to talk to her, *really* talk to her, very soon. After all, by his timetable there was a week left. Only a week in which to accumulate her final memories of Clark, memories which would have to last her a lifetime.... "Lois? Lois, are you okay?" Martha's concerned voice impinged on Lois's consciousness. Breaking off that thought before she became bitter, Lois forced a smile to her face and faced Martha. "Sorry - I was just thinking." "Does it bother you that Clark's been disappearing like this?" her mother-in-law asked, concerned. But this time Lois was able to answer truthfully. "No. I think he needs some time on his own - I guess this is getting pretty oppressive for him." Lois was sure of it, in fact; she'd caught sight of Clark's expression shortly before he'd disappeared that evening. He'd looked... hunted. As if he needed to hide. She knew that he had a lot on his mind - well, why wouldn't he? After all, he was about to embark on a suicide mission in a mere few days' time! But she was pretty sure that there were some specific things on his mind which he wasn't discussing with her. Was he scared of dying? Afraid that he wouldn't manage to destroy the meteor? Or was it anguish at having to abandon his family, as her very loyal husband would see it? "And it isn't for you, honey?" Martha was incredulous. "Sometimes I could just box his ears...." "No, Martha." Lois crossed to the other woman's side, taking her arm. "Really - this is far worse for him than it is for us! And he's trying so hard to comfort *us,* to pretend that he's okay, having a good time. But you look into his eyes sometimes - especially when the kids aren't around. You'll see his pain... it makes me want to cry, except I've already cried more than I ever thought I could in my whole life." Watching her mother-in-law's expression then, Lois saw recognition in Martha's face that her reaction had been unfair. But Lois didn't comment; she understood only too well how the strain was making all of them think things, even say things, which they knew were not reasonable. She squeezed Martha's arm briefly, reassuringly. "Lois, have you decided on the story for public consumption to explain Clark's disappearance?" Jonathan asked as he carried a tray of coffee into the sitting-room. Lois shrugged. "He's just said he'll stage some sort of accident - he didn't say what, but he'll make it something where the chances of a body being found are unlikely." "But how will that help?" Jonathan asked, puzzled. "You don't want to wait five years to have him declared dead - I mean, I don't know what your finances are like, and we'll help all we can, but you can't claim on his pension or insurance until he's declared dead." "Won't be too much of a problem, depending what Clark does," Lois said with a forced grimace. "We did a story on that a few months ago. If there are witnesses to the accident, or there's proof that the missing person was in the situation and there's no way any body's likely to be recovered - say if a guy goes out on his own in a fishing boat and there's a storm and the boat capsizes, then the relatives can petition a court to issue a death certificate without a body." She shrugged. "It's not exactly something I want to do, but it's what has to be done." "And what will you tell David and Beth?" Martha asked softly. Lois sank into a chair, the lines of strain now clearly visible on her face. "God, Martha, that's the hardest part! I just don't know.... David's too young to understand that his daddy's dead; all he'll know is that Clark is suddenly not there any more. Beth... she'll understand, sort of - the grandfather of one of her schoolfriends died a few months ago and we had a long talk with her about death. But that doesn't mean it'll be easy.... "And it's so hard to think that Clark's just not going to be there as they grow up!" Lois added, her voice on the edge of breaking. "He was so excited about being a father, and we made so many plans, so many promises to each other about putting the kids first, protecting them - and if Beth really is beginning to inherit some of Clark's powers, he needs to be there to help her with them. Now..." her voice dropped to a whisper, "I'll have to cope on my own." Lois jumped to her feet again suddenly, whirling around to face her parents-in-law. "And you know what makes me feel the most guilty? The evening Clark came home and told me all this, he was late back and I had to get the kids' dinner, even though it was his turn. And I was irritated, and I found myself thinking how much easier it would be if I was a single parent, then I wouldn't be relying on him - " Her voice failed her entirely as she released a choking sob. "Martha, Jonathan, I feel like I wished him dead!" she exclaimed a moment or two later. "No, Lois, of course you didn't!" Instantly, both elder Kents' arms were around her, holding her close. Martha stroked Lois's hair, murmuring softly, "Oh, honey, we know you never meant that! You've nothing to feel guilty about, sweetie! Of course you get frustrated sometimes - that's hardly surprising when you never know where he is, or whether he'll be home in time to take care of chores or not. You can't blame yourself for that!" "Even still, I'm going to be a single parent anyway," Lois replied bleakly. "And if I find it tough, I can only remind myself that it's what I wanted - *I* said it'd be easier!" "Lois, everyone says things they don't mean sometimes," Jonathan pointed out reasonably. "Just because you thought it once or twice - and you know you never meant it - doesn't mean you ever wanted it to come true." "Noooo... but I still thought it!" Lois protested. "Lois, that does not mean *you're* to blame for what's happened!" Martha insisted firmly. "And you can't waste your time or your energies indulging in a guilt-trip when your children need you to be there for them - and you need to be there for *yourself*!" Clearly gauging that Lois needed to be jolted out of her misery, Martha's voice had become crisp, that familiar tone which had told the male members of her household for many years that she expected to be obeyed. And it had a similar effect on Lois; she straightened, swallowed and nodded. "You're right, Martha. I am being self-indulgent here, aren't I?" She inhaled deeply. "I have to be strong, for everyone here - the children need me, and Clark needs me. He's trying so hard to hold us all together, and he needs me to help him. I can't allow my guilt to get in the way of that." "Especially when you have nothing to be guilty about in the first place," Jonathan added. Perhaps not, Lois mused as she went up to bed shortly afterwards; but she couldn't help feeling that at the very least it was a kind of dark irony that, so soon after reflecting yet again on the difficulties which Clark's extra-curricular activities caused in their lives, she should discover that she was going to lose him permanently. **************** Clark circled above the cabin one more time, telling himself that he really should come down and go inside. It wasn't fair to leave Lois like this; she needed to be with him right now, and it was inconsiderate to want to be alone. She, after all, would have the rest of her li