By Sammi Burleigh <Sammy149@aol.com>
Submitted May 2000
Summary: Luthor's plans don't turn out entirely as he expected in this rewrite of the episode "I Now Pronounce You."
Clark was standing in front of the church with Jonathan, Perry, and Jimmy. They were waiting for Lois, Martha, Ellen, Cindy, and Lucy, as well as the minister, who had not shown up yet. Clark was nervous, but very happy. He and Lois were finally getting married.
Perry was getting impatient and he checked his watch again. "Lois being late is a rule of nature, but the Reverend Bob? Where the Sam Hill is he?"
"Probably practicing his routine," Jimmy joked.
Clark grimaced. "Don't even say that!"
A limo pulled up to the sidewalk next to the church. Martha, Ellen, and Cindy stepped out. Lois, who had seen Clark from the window, got out of the limo and hurried to the church door, hiding herself with the hanging bag containing her wedding dress.
"Lois!" Clark called out, dismayed that she wasn't ready.
"Clark go away. It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding."
"Lois, come on. That's just an old superstition."
"Maybe it's not. Maybe it's based on truth. Look at all the bad things that have happened to us. Why risk it?"
"Lois," he said, slightly exasperated. "Lois, I promise nothing is gonna happen, okay?"
The wedding director stepped out of the church and addressed Ellen. "Mrs.Lane, I have a message from your daughter, Lucy."
"Oh, she's at the airport. My God, we've gotta wait."
"Just my luck," Cindy pouted.
Apprehension crept into the wedding director's face. "Well, not exactly," he hedged.
Lois shot Clark an `I told you so' look. "See! What happened?" she demanded.
"Well, apparently she was running late for her plane and set off the metal detector when she went through. I guess she got a bit frustrated at the delay…"
Clark winced. "Oh, here it comes."
The man spoke quickly to get the confrontation over with. "She slugged a security guard, she's in jail, and they won't hear bail till Monday."
"Your sister will be the death of me yet," Ellen moaned melodramatically to Lois, who glanced at Clark and then turned her attention to Cindy. "So … uh … Cindy … I would … be … honored …"
"Yes," her cousin replied quickly, before Lois could change her mind.
The wedding director cleared his throat nervously. "I'm afraid I have one other bit of bad news. The Reverend Bob can't make it."
"Are you kidding me!?" Lois shouted angrily.
"He got a gig on a cruise ship that sailed this morning. But he's trying to find a replacement. He called me ship to shore just a few minutes ago," he said, trying in vain to appease the angry crowd before him.
"Well, I knew it. I knew it, I knew it. Lex Luthor probably owns the cruise line too," Lois ranted.
Lois had sat on the steps and Clark sank down next to her to try to calm his irate fiancee. "Lois, honey, we're gonna sort this out, okay?"
Lois wasn't listening and a look of sudden understanding dawned on her face. "Lex. Why didn't I think of this? He's probably the one who sent me all those creepy gifts. It's making him crazy that I'm marrying you. See? I knew something bad was gonna happen and it's happening in spades."
Clark took a moment to get a hold on his temper, which flared every time he heard Luthor's name. "Lois, it's over, okay? Lex is in prison, where he's gonna be for the next nine hundred and eighty three years, okay? The only thing we have to do today is get married. Now come on. Let's get you dressed and I'll find a minister."
Lois beamed up at him and Ellen smiled with approval, thinking that maybe she had been wrong about her daughter's fiancee. Nobody noticed that the wedding director's face had darkened as Clark had held Lois to him, nor did anyone notice him roll his eyes as Clark had soothed his fiance.
Perry cleared his throat and hesitated before he spoke. "Normally, I wouldn't reveal this, but I can marry you."
Jimmy voiced the reaction everyone had to that piece of information. "No way!"
"I am an ordained minister of the First Church of Blue Suede Deliverance."
Ellen glared at him. "This is no time for bad jokes. Reverend Bob was enough for a lifetime."
"Ma'am, this is no joke," Perry drawled. "Alice and I were down at Graceland one time, celebrating, and I saw this on the inside of a matchbook at the little hotel we were staying at and well the rest is history," he explained.
Clark looked at Lois and then back at the editor. "Perry, we'd be honored."
Perry grinned. "Great! I've been to enough weddings where I know exactly what to say. Sort of … you know … more or less. Well, I'll just wing it! Come on, Jimmy."
Perry herded everyone inside the church and thanked Clark, who was holding the door.
"Miss Lane, I need you to sign the wedding license. It will just take a moment," the wedding director requested.
Clark smiled at her. "I already signed."
"Teacher's pet," she teased before telling Ellen to take her wedding dress.
Lois disappeared into a room in the front of the church. Ellen and Cindy hurried to another room where Lois could dress. Perry and Jimmy went on into the chapel. Clark was left alone with his parents. Jonathan walked over and straightened his son's tie.
"I haven't straightened your tie since you were a little boy."
Clark's parents engulfed him in a hug. "I love you," Martha said to her son. Tears of joy were in her eyes.
Clark returned the embrace happily and replied, "I love you guys too."
Lois walked out of the small office and grinned at Clark. "All finished."
Clark smiled back and kissed her on the forehead. "Good. Now get dressed so we can get married. Finally."
Lois pulled Martha toward the small room that Ellen had commandeered as a dressing area and the two disappeared behind the door. Jonathan turned back to his son. "Remember our talk after you first moved to Metropolis?"
"Yeah, I do. I never thought this could happen to me. I finally have a place where I fit in, close friends, a good job, and someone to love. It's amazing."
Jonathan smiled at his son. "You deserve it."
Perry walked up behind them. "Time to get in there, Clark."
He nodded and took a deep breath. Soon he would be married to Lois.
Clark stood waiting for Lois to finish walking down the aisle. She was halfway to him when he heard a noise.
Clark tried to ignore it. He refused to leave his wedding for an emergency, any emergency. He heard a scream. Clark looked up at Lois, to see what the problem was, but she was smiling at him. She hadn't screamed.
He had heard a scream — Lois' scream. No one screamed like Lois. He pulled at his glasses, knowing that the guests would think it a nervous habit, and X-rayed outside in time to see the wedding director carrying an unconscious Lois toward a car.
Another, more precise, X-ray revealed that the man was Lex Luthor in disguise. The pieces fell into place suddenly. Luthor had made a clone of Lois for him to marry, no doubt hoping that by the time Clark realized what had happened, Lex would have taken the real Lois out of the country. Clark, for once, acted on impulse.
He didn't think about the consequences of leaving; he just left. The only thought going through his mind ordered him to save Lois.
Clark ran out of the door at almost superspeed and changed into Superman in the empty hallway. Superman swooped down in front of Luthor and crossed his arms in front of him. Clark saw a flicker of fear in his adversary's eyes, but it was quickly disguised.
Lex laid Lois across the back seat of his car, closed the door, and turned to the man he hated more than anyone in the world.
"Ah, Superman, thank goodness you're here. Ms. Lane passed out. I was taking her to the hospital."
"I know who you are and I certainly don't believe that story. What did you do to her?"
Luthor hesitated. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Superman."
"Then perhaps I should enlighten you, Luthor." Using his heat vision, Superman melted Luthor's mask and make-up.
What did you do to her?" Superman demanded.
"I gave her a mild drug to put her to sleep. She'll wake in a few hours."
Superman still looked skeptical. He didn't think that Lex would give her anything dangerous, but he wasn't positive. Luthor was just demented enough to poison Lois so that if he got caught, she would die. Clark had always suspected that when it came to Lois, Lex Luthor was of the 'if I can't have her, nobody can' mentality.
"Well, I'm afraid you won't be around when she awakens. You are going back to jail."
"I won't give her up. You'll have to kill me first."
"What is this thing you have with death? I don't want to kill you. I'm happier knowing that you'll be in jail to the day you die, pining for your lost power. Killing you would let you off the hook much too easily."
Superman hoisted Luthor up by his collar and flew to the nearest precinct.
After releasing Lex into police custody and informing Sergeant Zymack that he had been caught while trying to kidnap Lois Lane, Clark flew back to the church and spun into his tux.
He opened the car door and checked Lois' heartbeat and breathing before quickly using his X-ray vision to check her out. Clark left the door of the car open as he went back into the church to call for an ambulance. Lois would be livid when she woke up in a hospital. Clark winced at the thought, but he had to make sure that she was okay.
He snuck back into the church, grimaced at the commotion he heard from the guests, and dialed 911. Clark hurried back out to watch for the rescue squad. While waiting, he blew a small amount of ice breath on Lois to keep her cool in the unusually sweltering May heat.
The ambulance arrived from Metropolis General in record time and Clark explained that Luthor had injected some kind of drug into Lois to knock her out.
While the paramedics tended to Lois, Clark decided to explain the situation to the wedding guests.
Clark slipped back in the chapel, unnoticed in the chaos. Inspector Bill Henderson and Captain Maggie Sawyer were standing alone off to one side of the room. Clark hurried over to them. He tapped Henderson on the shoulder.
"Bill, we have a problem."
Sawyer and Henderson looked at him, exasperated. "You certainly have a problem, Kent. Everybody's pretty mad that you skipped out. Ellen Lane looks ready to kill you."
"I heard a scream and went to check it out," Clark explained defensively.
"Neither one of us heard anything. How did you hear it?"
"Adrenaline, I guess. I was really nervous between getting married and Luthor's prison break. Anyway, I saw the wedding director carrying Lois to his car. She was unconscious. I called for Superman and he found out that the man was Lex Luthor. Superman took Luthor to Zymack."
The two police officers looked thoroughly confused. "Lois is right over there, Clark."
"That's not her. Lois and I just finished a story about a Doctor Mamba. He's the scientist employed by Luthor who made the clones of the president and secret service men. It looks like Lex had him make a clone of Lois, to marry me. I guess he figured that by the time I realized the switch, he could have the real Lois out of the country. The real Lois is outside with the paramedics. That woman is a clone."
Henderson was speechless and indecisive. "What should we do, Maggie?"
"I'm really not sure. This is one thing that I've never encountered, Bill."
Clark broke in. "I learned from the investigation that the clones are completely subservient to the person who created them. Since she's probably been under Luthor's influence, we don't know how dangerous she could be. Could you arrest her as an accessory to kidnapping?"
"I guess we could," Sawyer conceded uncertainly.
Henderson nodded. "If she's been under Luthor's influence, then Kent's right. She's dangerous. We've got to arrest her."
Clark nodded his thanks and walked back to the pulpit. He pulled his glasses down and checked on Lois. She was still unconscious and the paramedics had lifted her onto a stretcher. He looked at the clone and noticed Henderson making his way over to her. The inspector tapped her on the shoulder and ordered, "Miss, put your hands behind your back. You are under arrest for kidnapping. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say will be used in a court of law. You may have a lawyer with you during questioning. Do you understand these rights?"
"What's going on? Why are you arresting me? I didn't do anything!" the clone wailed, practically in tears.
Clark felt a stab of pity for her. She couldn't have understood what she had done wrong, he realized. The clones were by nature childish and naive. Clark studied her for a moment and recognized the fear on her face. He walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder in a gesture of comfort.
"By knowing that Lex Luthor was going to kidnap Lois Lane and helping him, you committed a crime. Don't worry, Superman has already caught Luthor and turned him over to the police. He won't hurt you. Inspector Henderson and Captain Sawyer will see to that. Everything will be okay."
She sniffed and smiled at Clark weakly. "Lex won't hurt me? You promise?"
Clark forced himself to smile. "I promise."
Henderson handcuffed the clone and he and Sawyer headed for the door.
"Where are you going, Kent?" Captain Sawyer asked. "Seems like you've got a lot of explaining to do."
"I'll do it later. The paramedics should be about ready to take Lois to the hospital. I need to go with them."
"Okay, but stop by the precinct later. We need to get a statement from you."
"I'll do that. Thanks Captain, Inspector."
Clark hurried outside and spoke to one of the paramedics.
"How is she?"
"We aren't sure yet. Her heartbeat and breathing seem fine, but she hasn't woken up. We're going to take her to the hospital and run some blood tests. None of us have any idea what Luthor gave her." To punctuate the statement, the man nodded at the four other paramedics milling around Lois.
Clark nodded and told the man that he wanted to go with his fiancee to the hospital. The man agreed and left Clark to check Lois. Clark felt a hand on his back and turned around.
"Is she all right?" Martha asked.
"I don't know. They say that she's stable, but she hasn't woken up. Nobody knows what kind of drug Luthor gave her."
"What happened, son?" Jonathan asked.
Clark started to answer but the paramedic signaled him to get in the ambulance. "I'll explain later. Right now, I'm going to the hospital with Lois."
Everyone watched in confusion and concern as the rescue squad sped away.
Clark walked into the waiting room in Metropolis General's ICU unit to find Sam, Ellen, Martha, Jonathan, Cindy, Perry, and Jimmy waiting for him. He tried to smile at them, but it came out as a grimace.
"How is she?" Sam questioned.
"She's still unconscious. The doctors are working on some blood tests now."
"Clark, what in the name of Elvis and Priscilla is going on?"
He sighed tiredly. "Apparently, Luthor had doctor Mamba make another clone. One of Lois. I'm guessing that she was replaced when she went to sign the marriage license. I heard a scream just as Sam and the clone came into the chapel. I've heard Lois scream for help enough to recognize the sound." This got a Slight smile from Perry and Jimmy. "I ran out to see what was going on. The wedding director was carrying Lois to his car. When I saw that she was unconscious, I called for Superman and when he X-rayed the guy for weapons, he saw that it was Luthor wearing a mask. I think you can guess the rest."
Everyone nodded. A doctor came into the waiting area and Clark stood. "Mr. Kent?" Clark nodded. "We've identified the drug injected into Ms. Lane. It's not fatal, but she was given a strong dose. She should wake in a little while."
The information was met with a collective sigh of relief. Clark's shoulders sagged as if a weight had been lifted from him. "May I see her?"
The doctor gestured toward the room and Clark hurried in. He approached the bed and took Lois' hand.
"Lois, can you hear me? Come back to me, Lois."
Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked around in confusion. "Clark?"
"Right here, honey."
She smiled feebly. "Where am I?"
"In the hospital. Don't worry, you'll be fine."
She'd sat up when she heard the word 'hospital'. "What happened?"
Clark smiled wryly. "Lex. He tried to kidnap you. You were injected with some kind of drug to knock you out."
"One of these days I'm going to kill that man! Don't you laugh at me! " she ordered, giggling herself. "Let's go."
"Where?" Clark asked, alarmed.
"To the church. We still have to get married."
"You aren't going anywhere," he replied gently. "Luthor gave you a lot of whatever sedative he was using. The doctor wants you to stay overnight and I'd feel better if you did."
"But what about our wedding?"
"As soon as you're better, we'll get Perry to do it. We can plan another big one or just do a spur of the moment thing."
She smiled slightly. "Promise?"
He grinned back at her. "I promise."