By Various
Rating: G
Submitted: August 2001
Summary: A series of dialogues between FoLCs and our esteemed hero Clark Kent — together with a few interruptions from his wife, Lois Lane. Amalgamated from a conversation on Zoomway's message boards.
Earlier this year, the FoLCs of Zoomway's message boards (http://www.lastson.com/boards/ultimatebb.cgi) were startled to find an open letter from Metropolis' favorite reporter, Clark Kent, being posted on their forum. This led to a somewhat interesting, intriguing and at times downright hilarious conversation between the esteemed Mr. Kent, the FoLCs of the message boards and — every now and then — Mr. Kent's wife, Ms. Lane…
Note: Ms. Lane's…interjections…are set apart from the remainder of the conversation by ###
***
March 11, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
To Whom It May Concern:
My wife and I were conducting some background research on organized crime recently, when one of our searches drew us to this website. Imagine our surprise when we discovered that not only were many of the crime syndicates we were looking for chronicled and mapped out in far greater detail than we have ever encountered before, but that the site contained a vast quantity of personal and intimate detail about our own lives.
I suppose our suspicions should have been raised when the name of the site appeared on our screens; after all, what else should we have expected from a website bearing both our forenames?
However, before I address the issue of this gross violation of our privacy, my wife would like to say a few words.
###
I don't know who you people are, and unfortunately, the anonymity of the Internet prevents me from finding out, but there are two points I would like to set you all straight on.
One, my husband is not Superman. While it's true that we both have a very close relationship with him, and have been fortunate enough to have been granted more interviews than most with him, the fact remains that I married a farmer's son from the remote farming community of Smallville, Kansas, and not a nobleman from the extinct planet of Krypton. My husband may be a super man, but he is not Superman.
Two, I am not addicted to chocolate. Frankly, I resent the implication that I'm an emotional cripple who has to resort to Double Fudge Crunch bars every time she faces a challenge in her life. For the record, I've never eaten more than five bars in a single 24 hour period, except once, and that was only because I'd made a mistake on my daily score card. How could I help it if '5 bars since 9am' looked like '0 bars this week'?
Three — okay, I know I said I only had two points to raise, but I changed my mind, and this one's starting to bug me now that I've read a few more of these threads, and I think it's best cleared up right away before people get completely the wrong impression of me — I have a professional reputation to protect, you know! And I do so hate stereotypes, don't you? They put people into these little pigeon-holes that they can't escape from, and then they feel like they have to behave exactly like the stereotype says they have to behave. Anyway, this is what I want to get clear: I do not babble. I speak quickly, because I have a lot to say.
I'll pass you back to my husband now. He's writing this because he happens to type a little faster than I do.
###
As I said, my wife and I are pretty alarmed and upset by the intrusion into our personal lives this website represents. We're also at a loss to figure out how you people got hold of all this information. We asked Superman to check our house and our workplace for surveillance equipment, but apart from an old NIA bug attached to the back of our boss's monitor, which Superman assured us was non-functional, he found nothing. So how are you doing it?
Needless to say, we've reported your intrusion to Inspector William Henderson of the Metropolis Police Department, and both he and Superman will be keeping a close lookout for any suspicious behaviour until this matter is resolved.
Our one consolation is that much of the information presented here is wholly inaccurate. My wife has already drawn your attention to some of the more glaring mistakes; there are many more, but in the interests of protecting what little privacy we have left, we will keep the knowledge of which posts are true, and which are not, to ourselves. However, I will confirm the strong dislike of flying to which a number of you allude — anyone who has traveled with me on an airplane knows how little I enjoy the experience. You may draw your own conclusions as to what that implies with regard to myself and Superman, a man who uses flying as his preferred mode of travel.
We've also noticed a high degree of inconsistency in the information. For example, several of your researchers have written accounts of our early lives together. One account has my wife returning from an extended period of absence in the Congo, of all places, whereas another has her married to one of this century's most dangerous criminals (incidentally, for reasons I won't go into here, this account in particular was extremely upsetting to my wife, and we are currently considering whether to take this further with the researcher concerned). This mismatch of data leads us to believe that a certain amount of guesswork has gone into these accounts, which gives us further hope that our privacy is still intact. With this in mind, we have arranged a small test.
Again, we will keep the details of the test to ourselves, but rest assured, we expect to know within a few days as to whether we need to revise our security measures or not.
On a lighter note, we must thank your researchers for giving us a good laugh. Reading these accounts brought back a few fond memories for both of us, and many of them are very well written indeed. In fact, I have to thank you personally for putting my wife off writing her own novel. In her own words, "These people make my writing look like Ralph's on a bad day." (I don't need to tell you about Ralph, I guess. You all seem to have figured him out). Anyway, between you and me, her novel wasn't that good — she had this guy called Kent in it, and he was just too good to be true.
Also, I have to admit that we're flattered. Once we got over the shock, and overlooking the fact that our personal lives are now in the public domain, it's pretty amazing to find out that there's a bunch of people out there who are as interested in us as you people are. Most of the accounts are sympathetic, and you seem to really care about us. We'd like to thank you for that care, and I'm sure that the next time one of us is in trouble — and, as you've noticed, we get into more trouble than the average couple — we'll take comfort from knowing there's a group of people around who are rooting for us.
You seem to be so interested in us, in fact, that a number of you have attempted to look into the future for us. As you can imagine, the many predictions of the children you expect us to have left us with very mixed feelings. However, we've decided to take hope from your combined optimism, although Mr Terry's account of our errant son gave us pause for thought, and we'll certainly try to avoid making the mistakes he predicted for us. Also, Superman has asked us to thank the author who drew his attention to the possible long-term effects of Dr Doodsen's life-force experiments. As a consequence, he has scheduled a full medical examination with his physician, and we very much hope that the results will be negative.
On a different subject, why is it that you think I have anything in common with the famous football pro, Dean Cain? Sure, I've played a little college football in my time, but I'm definitely not in the same league as Mr Cain. By the way, we're hoping that his recent knee injury won't prevent him from opening the new Superman exhibit at the Metropolis Museum of Art. Superman is looking forward to meeting the football legend tremendously. I won't tell you what my wife says about him — I'd have to transfer this note over to your restricted, adults-only site!
My wife also wonders what connection you could possible construe between her and last year's Nobel prize winner for Mathematics. Teri Hatcher may go to the same hair-stylist as my wife, but otherwise, I sure my wife won't mind me telling you that she's terrible at Math. She's great at lots of other things — she even cooked me an omelette yesterday which didn't bounce — but algebra, trigonometry and calculus are very definitely not on her resume. She'd rather listen to another of our boss's Elvis stories than try to solve a quadratic equation, she says.
Finally, I'd like to remind you that although the latter part of this message has been conciliatory, my wife and I are very concerned by the material on this site, and as intimated previously, we will be monitoring the situation very closely, along with the police and Superman. Any blatant infringement of our right to privacy will be taken very seriously.
That said, we have no desire to discourage the mostly good intentions we detect coming from the researchers here. For that reason, we're happy to leave things as they are, so long as we can have your collective reassurance that you will continue to mix truth with speculation, and never divulge where the boundaries between the two lie. That way, our privacy is protected, and your right to pursue a project which is obviously important to a lot of people is preserved.
One last thing. We'd like to extend our best wishes and good luck to all the Kerth nominees. As award winners ourselves, we know what a great honor it is to be nominated, and how excited you all must be. My wife says burgundy is a particularly good color for accepting awards in. Oh, and she also says it's not the winning, it's the taking part which matters.
Good luck, and thank you for your time.
Yours sincerely,
Clark Kent
PS — My wife says the part about five Double Fudge Crunch bars a day was just a joke, and she doesn't really keep a score of how many she's eaten. Honest.
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
I gather the protocol on these boards is to start another thread if you want to invite comment. Well, since I posed a couple of questions in my message, I guess I should give you all an opportunity to respond, so here's the thread where you can reply to me.
Clark Kent
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Cindy Leuch
Oh, that was great, and very original! All I can say is that as one of those who pries into the personal lives of the Kents, it has been my distinct pleasure to spread all the rumor, conjecture, and speculation that I possibly can.
Cindy (rumormonger)
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: MRlovesDC
Very original. Just when I thought nothing would surprise me, it did.
Oh my, reading your post CK, I was ROTFL.
I, for one, enjoyed hearing from you and hope you will keep in contact with us,
Melody
***
March 11, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Dear Mr Kent,
I fear you may have underestimated the degree of penetration of this site and, quite possibly, the intelligence of the members thereof. We are indeed to a degree researchers, and some of us have in fact been studying your life — and that of your now-wife, Ms Lane, for very many years. Rest assured that we would not make allegations about your *very close* personal relationship with Superman were we not very sure of our facts.
We will await the results of your little test with interest. Suffice to say that we are conducting ongoing tests of our own; should I point out that your discreet use of heat vision to warm Lois's coffee in the newsroom this morning was not quite discreet enough? Or that you, Mr Kent, were spotted by one of our number emerging from a patisserie in Poitiers yesterday morning, and yet only ten minutes later one of our Metropolis members saw you emerging from your home with your beautiful wife?
Rest assured that we do not mean any harm to you or your most capable wife. Rather, we have the greatest of respect for both of you — or perhaps I should say *all three of you*. And your secret is safe with us. (Though we wouldn't say no to an offer of a night flight for each 'researcher' as the price of our silence!).
With every good Super wish, The Researchers
***
_
Okay… ROFL!!!
I don't know who wrote this, but I have some guesses. Hazel, possibly? The standard of spelling, syntax and language, and some of the humour, would suit her style. On the other hand, while the piece is mostly American in style and language, 'omelette' is spelt in the UK English manner. That might suggest a Canadian, or a UK-English writer disguising his/her style.
In addition, Hazel is unlikely to be familiar with DC's career outside L&C.
So… hmmm. Gerry? Carol Malo?
Any other suggestions?
Still giggling…
Wendy
***
March 11, 2001:
From: Aerm1
Mr. Kent,
As Wendy said, none of us would ever wish harm on you or your lovely and intelligent wife, but facts are facts. And the fact is that we do know your secret. Trust us, though; the secret is safe with us. If you read very many of our accounts, you would have noticed that we have done everything in our power to make sure that the criminal elements who have penetrated your disguise were dealt with in a manner conducive to their *not* revealing your secret themselves.
Again, I echo Wendy's sentiments. Best wishes to the two of you.
***
I agree, Wendy. Sounds like Hazel. As for the spelling of omelette, that's how I spell it. And she is certainly capable of looking Dean Cain's bio up on the internet.
Ann
***
March 11, 2001:
From: Anne Ciotola
Hey! Has Herb been dimension hopping again? [G] I hope he doesn't find a Tempus in our world.
This was cute, real cute.
Anne
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: NicNacs
<giggle>
Curious about the little test. You will let us know how it turns out, right?
Nic
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Hazel
I'd love to take credit for this one, but alas, it's not me.
My money goes on Dawn, who also invented (many moons ago) the diary of the rat and rabbit in Bernie's lab.
Beautifully done, CK!
Hazel, who really has no interest in looking up Dean Cain's bio on the internet
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: NicNacs
Hey, maybe it really *is* CK, and all these characters that we thought were in another dimension (I won't say we thought weren't real, in case there is someone who thinks they *do* exist ) can actually come here and are secretly laughing at us…
Or not.
Nic
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Hazel, if we're thinking of the same thing the rat diary was actually written by LabRat herself, but posted for her by Dawn.
But somehow I don't think this is LabRat's style, or Dawn's.
Hmm…
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Caroline
Mr Kent, may I have your and your wife's autographs? I have been a fan of yours for years.
Caroline
PS I think you're much better looking than Dean Cain or whatever his name is.
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Dear Ms Richards,
Many thanks for your swift response to my message. As one of this site's most prolific researchers, I guess it makes sense that you would assume the role of mouthpiece for your colleagues.
My apologies if I asserted a lack of intelligence amongst your numbers. That was never mine, nor my wife's, intention.
However, the news that your colleagues have been researching us for very many years renews our alarm once more. The reassurance of no malicious intent is appreciated, although this is small comfort when the site is open to the public. Your colleagues may be benign, but what of the wider audience?
That said, our close relationship with Superman — which, by the way, is common knowledge and not something we have ever chosen to hide — ensures that we're afforded excellent protection from those who would wish us ill.
We're puzzled by your so-called tests. We can only assume that you are attempting to unnerve us, but given that we have nothing to hide, I'm afraid that the tactic will not work, Ms Richards. My wife thanks you for the compliments, however.
I'm afraid, also, that our funds do not extend as far as providing night flights over Metropolis for all your colleagues. Chartering a private airplane is an expensive business, and the combined salaries of two Daily Planet reporters would never stretch to such a luxury.
Yours sincerely,
Clark Kent
PS — 'All three of us'? We'd love it to be true, but as far as we know, my wife is not pregnant.
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Hazel
My dear Mr. Kent,
First of all, allow me to express our best wishes to you and Ms. Lane. I regret any alarm we might have caused through our overzealous admiration, but we wish you the brightest of futures.
As for "all three" of you: Why, it's simple. There is you, Mr. Kent; there is Ms. Lane; and there is that third entity, composed of both of you together, stronger than both of you alone. You may prefer to refer to this as "a couple." We prefer to call it something else.
Hazel, who agrees with Wendy that she'd mixed up Dawn and Rat, but still thinks it might be Rat (or maybe Irene)
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Dear Mr Kent,
There is no point in trying to dissimulate. Your protests certainly won't convince us; in fact, it seems as if 'the gentleman doth protest too much'. I fear that we are not only already convinced of your secret identity, but actually have sufficient proof to convince the rest of the world, should we choose to do so.
However, as I and my fellow researchers have already assured you, we have no intention of going public with this information. Your secret is safe with us, Superman. All we ask in return is that you trust us enough not to seek to carry on the pretence.
You didn't, of course, explain how it was that you were in Poitiers one minute and Metropolis ten minutes later. You might also consider that we have proof that you — as Superman — regularly fly in and out through the bedroom window of your house in Hyperion Avenue. Now, unless you wish to claim that Superman is having an affair with the beautiful Lois at your connivance, you might acknowledge that this is further proof of your identity.
We await your response with interest.
Wendy Richards (just one of many concerned researchers)
***
Okay, Hazel's denied it. Now, I might be way off the mark, but this latest post seems to suggest Shayne to me. No idea why. Or possibly even Yvonne?
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Ikuko
That was fun. Um… There is no Nobel Prize for achievements in mathematics… And if there was, with all due respect, it's just out of the league… But — great story!
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
I see that a number of researchers have written to me since I composed my last message, so in the interests of fairness, I'll address each of you in order.
Dear Ann, your message appears to imply that you and your colleagues were responsible for dispatching every single one of our adversaries. I wasn't aware that I was dealing with a collection of murderers! I'd take this information straight to the police, except I suspect that you're exaggerating the extent of your reach. Thank you for the best wishes.
Caroline, my wife and I are flattered and, to be honest, a little embarrassed by your request. We don't have anything prepared, but if you'd like to drop into the Daily Planet offices, I'm sure we could sign a copy of the newspaper for you.
Dear Hazel, thank you, also, for your best wishes. As I said to my wife, all of your responses prove my belief that you are a kind and caring community of researchers. I enjoyed your metaphor; it's one which resonates strongly with both of us. Strength certainly does arise from the partnership we share.
Ms Richards, if you were indeed a concerned researcher, you wouldn't pursue this line of interrogation any further.
Yours sincerely,
Clark Kent
PS — my wife wishes it to be known that she hasn't eaten any Double Fudge Crunch bars today.
PPS — sorry for any typos. Someone has dropped a lot of crumbs into the cracks between the keys on my keyboard.
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: TerriAnn
My guess is Tank or Yvonne — and Wendy's in on it!
TerriAnn
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Mr Kent, that sounded rather like a threat to me.
I have assured you of our bona fides all along. We have had our proof for some considerable time. If we had intended to do anything with it, the news of your secret identity would have been common knowledge long ago. That has not happened. That alone should have been proof of our good intentions.
I personally am not happy to have my integrity questioned in this manner, Mr Kent. You are an honourable and decent man, in both of your guises. I am very disappointed to see you take this line.
Yours unhappily, W.M. Richards
***
LOL! TerriAnn! No, I certainly don't think this is Tank. And if you'd been on IRC you'd know that I'm as baffled as everyone else! We're all debating just who this might be.
Great job, whoever you are!
***
March 11th, 2001
From: ChiefPam
Mr. Kent,
I am extremely honored by your visit to our humble little message boards, and saddened to hear that you regard us as something of a threat. However, I suppose I can understand your concern. Unlike my esteemed colleague Ms Richards, I am prepared to believe that you and Superman share nothing more than a good friendship; I see nothing amiss with the idea that your good friend should help you fly to Poitiers to pick up breakfast for your lovely wife. Naturally, he stayed out of sight, as he is far from a publicity-seeker.
I hope you will forgive us our tendency to speculate and embroider upon the lives of you, your wife, and your friend Superman. I'm afraid we all admire you three quite a lot, and this is a way that we can, vicariously, step into your shoes for a few moments. No harm is intended; as Ann pointed out, whenever we create villains to menace you (in *fiction*, I hasten to point out), we are always careful to help you through the crisis in heroic and unharmed fashion.
But while I am willing to accept your friendship with Superman on face value, I do have doubts about another association of yours … I wonder if you know Mr. Shayne Terry much better than you have led us to believe. I have the feeling the two of you are *very* close, indeed. However, I admire Mr. Terry almost as much as I admire you, Mr. Kent, so I hope you will take this suspicion of mine as a compliment, as it was intended.
Please feel free to continue visiting our boards. As you say, we speculate on your lives (although I don't believe I personally have ever exaggerated your wife's supposed fetish for chocolate), our accounts frequently contradict each other, and indeed, all available evidence. No one, therefore, should take them too seriously, so I hope you will realize we pose no threat. And as you said, with your friend Superman around, you're well protected.
Warm regards,
Pam Jernigan
***
March 11th, 2001
From: Tank Wilson
Just a note to Mr. Kent. Dean Cain's professional football career could hardly be called legendary. More like, 'a cup of coffee' in the pros. He injured his knee shortly after being drafted by the Buffalo Bills and never played a full season as a professional football player.
Actually his only real claims to fame are his role as a superhero, in a middling rated television show, and his reputation as a 'lusty' playboy.
You, Mr. Kent are much more a person to be admired and emmulated, than a small time actor like Dean Cain. And if I may say so, while Ms. Hatcher is a fine actress and a beautiful woman, your wife, Lois Lane is without peer as the definition of a modern woman who has it all. She is an intelligent, independent professional, who is also beautiful and a passionate person. You, sir, are a very lucky man.
Tank (who reminds the gentle readers, that he is a retired researcher, too)
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Joy
I guess I missed something. I would have guessed Wendy to be the author, disguising her English grammar on purpose. Nah, no angst. Hmm.
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Ms Richards, how did this escalate into formalities and accusations of threats? Please be assured, I did not intend to threaten. If you had read my post more carefully, I think you would have understood my message: I said 'as a concerned researcher', assuming that your concern was directed towards me and my wife. Thus, if you were concerned for us, I had hoped that you would act accordingly. I hope we can put this misunderstanding behind us, and conduct any further conversations on more cordial terms.
Dear Ms Jernigan, thank you for your support and understanding. As I said in my first message, my wife and I have already decided that such a generous and caring band of researchers deserve to continue their project. We're still hoping that one of you will give us the reassurance we respectfully requested; that is, that you'll continue to blend reality with speculation, so as to protect our privacy. I don't think that's so much to ask, considering the license we're effectively granting you and your colleagues to continue writing almost anything you want about us. As for Mr Terry, I've never met the man, and neither has my wife. I'm not sure what you mean by *very* close; all I can say is that I'm both monogamous and heterosexual.
Dear Ikuko, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you. In the world *I * inhabit, there is most definitely a Nobel prize for Mathematics.
Dear Mr Tank, I can only conclude that there must be two Dean Cains. The Dean Cain I referred to is a very highly-regarded football player, and plays with the Metropolis Giants. As far as I know, he has never been with the Bills in his entire career. You say your Mr Cain has played a superhero on TV; perhaps this is the Batman and Robin show, which I never watch. Personally, I could never understand why Batman was prepared to sell his story to the media. Lastly, your compliments are embarrassing me and my wife! However, I agree that I am the luckiest man alive; I, too, have it all, simply because I have her.
Yours sincerely,
Clark Kent
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Carol Malo
Wendy speculated: "Gerry? Carol Malo?"
I figure this is Phil Atcliffe although I have a couple of back-up guesses, too.
This is great fun. Love it.
Carol
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Irene Dutch
Hazel suggested that this might be me.
Hazel, I'm not that subtle!
My compliments to Clark Kent!!
(I vote for Shayne)
Irene
ROTFL
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Raggiemom
Mr. Kent?
Is that really you? There's been a lot of speculation that you are disguised as one of the researchers from these boards. I, myself, was highly suspicious of Ms. Richards at first; after all, she WAS guilty of a dual identity not so long ago. Now as the names of the researchers are being crossed out on the list, this growing feeling that it really IS you, is getting me very excited.
I can hardly imagine, THE Clark Kent visiting our little boards! Pardon me, I can barely contain my excitement. I've never actually read anything from the Daily Planet with your byline on it, unless you count that ending of the theater piece, but I would dearly love it if you could give us a sample of your fine work. Please include a recent press picture if you don't mind. I know you are happily married, but what harm could it do to give us peek at your, ahem, handsome face.
Thank you very much!
Sincerely, Missy Gallant
P.S. It would also be appreciated if you could slip me some of those little unknown facts that none of my fellow researchers and I would know. Nothing very personal, of course, but something to give me an edge on the competition. (Wink! Wink!)
***
March 11th, 2001:
From: Sheila Harper
Dear Mr. Kent,
In your open letter, you referred to a particular researcher:
quote:
another has her married to one of this century's most dangerous criminals (incidentally, for reasons I won't go into here, this account in particular was extremely upsetting to my wife, and we are currently considering whether to take this further with the researcher concerned).
While this could refer either to me or to another fellow researcher, I wanted to assure you and your wife that my account was entirely speculative since the dates of your arrival in Metropolis and subsequent employment at the Daily Planet are matters of public record and both were deliberately changed in my account. I regret any distress this may have caused your wife, as it was never my intention to hurt either of you. I admire both of you greatly, and your ingenuity and courage in the face of danger, as well as your unfailing love and support for each other, make you irresistible as subjects of my research.
Have you considered the possibility that you have tapped into an Internet site from an alternate world? Tank mentioned the difference between the Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher you referred to and the ones we are familiar with. Perhaps the CK=S connection that you found so upsetting is an artifact of a different world as well.
Sincerely,
SheilaH
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: NicNacs
quote:
Dear Ms Richards,
Did anyone else notice that at this point, Wendy hadn't signed herself "Ms Richards"? She had only used her first name. Therefore, either the esteemed Mr Kent has been lurking here for much longer than he has let on, or, and with respect for Mr Kent's feelings I have to say that this is the most likely scenario, **he's not really Mr Kent**. I hope that Mr Kent and his wife will forgive this blatant accusation of untruthfulness.
Nic
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: NearlyNoelNeill
Dear Mr. Kent:
As a consumer of the information prepared by these esteemed researchers, I can assure you that I and others have signed all proper consent and authorization forms for the proper use of this information and it's content (especially the details of your more intimate relations with you wife). You can be assured that the information travels no further than those designated "Folc" on the internet.
Best regards, Sherry
P.S. I don't hang on the IRC, so I can't join the conjecture there…but I'm voting for Cindy Leuch.
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Dear Mr Kent,
I am pleased to see that your latest response to me is somewhat more conciliatory. Rest assured that your little secret is safe with me, as it is with my esteemed colleagues. Be assured, also, that I am an enormous fan of yours, as I think any examination of my work would reveal. I rate your intelligence and ability, not to mention your sensitivity, very highly indeed. I am also a great admirer of Ms Lane, not least for her intelligence and determination in forging a career as the best investigative reporter in the country.
As I have previously pointed out, all we ask in return is a degree of trust. You do not have to ask us for assurances that we will continue to 'mix truth with speculation'. If you have read our accounts, you will be aware that this is what we do as a matter of course. I am well aware, for example, that you never masqueraded as Ms Lane's boyfriend in order to deceive her parents, nor would you ever forget yourself so far as to 'court' Ms Lane in your other guise, as it were. And yet amid such wild speculation as may be found in these accounts lies an element of truth.
My references to the varied evidence in our possession were made in response to your rather strange mention of 'tests' which you were planning to conduct. That strongly gave the impression that you do not trust us — we who are your greatest supporters and admirers. Please, Mr Kent and Ms Lane, look at the evidence before you. We can be trusted. You have had assurances on this point from a number of my fellow researchers. All I ask of you is that you accept those assurances. Then we can move on, and I know I would be delighted to continue dialogue with you. (I have any number of questions, but those can wait…)
As to how it was that you were aware of my full name before I revealed it, I do not attribute that to any forgery, as my colleague suggests; neither do I see it as further evidence of your 'super' abilities. Obviously Ms Lane had been using your computer again; all those years of working with Jimmy taught her some useful skills!
In cordial amity and — I hope — mutual trust,
Wendy
***
Hmmm. No, this is most definitely *not* me! I would never have come up with such an original idea, nor could I have carried it off with such consistency and aplomb. I don't think it's Cindy: it just doesn't sound like her writing, and I'm not convinced about Phil either.
Nope; my money's still on one of those people I suggested previously, though I'm not saying which.
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Irene Dutch
Hmmm, I'm still scratching my head about this. I chatted with Shayne briefly last night and he swears that he was away all weekend with family.
I'm wondering Yvonne, Missy or Raconteur.
Irene
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: LabRat
ROTFL!
Well, this will teach me to go offline for a day!
I fired up the pc this morning to find emails asking if the mysterious CK was me. Mucho confusion! However, I can assure you I'm *not* that clever.
Having caught up with events, my money was on Yvonne. But I will admit the insistence that there was a Nobel Prize for Maths immediately had the scent of Phil about it. Still, on balance, my money is still on Yvonne.
Unless of course we have a double blind going with someone who has already issued a denial. <evil grin>
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Gerry
Oh, I wish I could take credit for this amazing hoax, perpetrated on Purim no less, but unfortunately I can't. My bet is on either Phil or Yvonne in cahoots with Wendy.
Is there any other way of spelling omlette that I don't know about?
Gerry
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Supermom
Dear Mr. Kent,
Wendy Richards wrote:
quote:
You do not have to ask us for assurances that we will continue to 'mix truth with speculation'. If you have read our accounts, you will be aware that this is what we do as a matter of course.
Regarding that story I wrote about you and your wife investigating at a nudist resort… Uh…I can explain that. But I'd prefer to do it in a private email rather than in the public arena of these message boards. My email is linked above. I will reply ASAP.
With best regards,
SuperMom
P.S. I hope Superman doesn't mind that I've created a nickname that's a play on his name. I promise that I don't wear blue spandex and a red cape.
***
March 12th, 2001
From: Anne Ciotola
LOL Marilyn! Grovel while you can. [G]
Okay … Watching everyone taking a guess at this is a riot. I myself have gone from one author to another thinking why it could be this one or that.
My first guess was Wendy and she has to take her share of teasing since she's pulled this off before …
However, gathering some facts and of course a little tech help along the way (so we have the corner of the world narrowed down). Also thrown in who has denied it so far (if in fact they are telling the truth ) … and you get who is left:
Yvonne or Phil
Either of which could really pull this off brilliantly … however … someone has already denied it on one of the above's behalf …
So, Yvonne??? You still have time to post your denial post … [G]
Anne
who thanks "Clark" for really stirring things up, it's been really fun.
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: CarolM
Dear Mr. Kent (and Ms. Lane, of course),
I would like to agree with Missy (AKA: Raggiemom) here. I would love to read some of your Daily Planet work — we don't get it here in my part of the Midwest, and I can't find the website for the Daily Planet. As for the picture, well, it would definately be nice to compare the real you to our mental images of you. And you as well, Ms. Lane. I'd love to see how you compare with what we think we know about you (though if you eat as many Double Fudge Crunch Bars as we seem to think you do, and you look anything like we imagine, you could have many women very upset with you — or your figure anyway.)
If you would like to see how one of us researchers (albeit a fairly new one) thinks your lovely wife might respond to our Dean Cain, please check out the new thread I am about ready to start. I think you'll approve. Um, you can just skip the rest and the whole deserted island thing. If you don't understand the reference — do you get the Superstation in Metropolis? — please email me and I will be happy to explain it.
Anyway, I am grateful and humbled that you would chose to visit our message boards and allow us to see a little bit of what the REAL Lois and Clark are like.
I look forward to hearing what you think of all of this.
Sincerely,
CM
PS — Ms. Lane — I am doing some research on your family for a project I am currently working on. If you could give me some insight, I would be forever grateful! Thank you!
***
March 12th, 2001
From: Wendy Richards
Gerry wrote:
quote:
My bet is on either Phil or Yvonne in cahoots with Wendy.
Hey! /me comes to a skidding halt and stares at the screen… I assure you that I wasn't in cahoots with anyone! When I started this thread I was as baffled as anyone else; my suspicions may have become narrowed down fairly quickly and may well now be correct, but remember that I initially thought this was Shayne!
So you can rest assured that my responses here were all genuine!
quote:
Is there any other way of spelling omlette that I don't know about?
Well, we spell it 'omelette' on this side of the Atlantic. However, I've seen it spelt 'omelet' in the US.
Wendy
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: LizS
I don't know. To me, this sounds very much like Tank, and he's just trying to throw us off, right?
Liz S.
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: CKGroupie
Hey, Clark, buddy!
My my…are ya getting stiff on your old days? You sound so academic! !
Okay, my bet is that Clark is H,lSne!
Nicole
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
I must apologise for the delay in replying to your messages. As you may have heard on the news, there was a major train crash in West Metropolis today, and we've been over there most of the day. Superman says it's one of the worst disasters of its kind he's attended, although the good news is that he's managed to get everyone out who was trapped.
Anyway, I see I have a lot of people to respond to!
Dear Ms Gallant, I've just asked my wife, and she says, yes, unless I'm another of those frog clones, I really am Clark Kent. I'm afraid I don't have any examples of my work here, because Jimmy formatted my hard disk yesterday and reinstalled everything. However, if you pick up a copy of the Daily Planet, you'll find our latest work on the front page. I'm running a series of articles about the homeless on page four, which is where you'll find a pretty recent picture of me.
Dear Sheila, thanks for addressing this issue directly and honestly. That's something both my wife and I respect a lot. You'll have probably realised the reason for my wife's distress; your piece reminded her of a very difficult period in her history, and gave her a vivid impression of what her life could have been like if she'd made different choices. In a way, it's a credit to your considerable talents that you were able to affect her so strongly. Anyway, Lois has read your reply, and we both agree that your good-natured enthusiasm shows clearly that your intentions were never malicious, so let's agree to put this behind us, shall we?
Sheila, I'm glad you raised the subject of alternative universes first, because we're a little cautious about introducing the concept to people we don't know very well! To answer your question, we certainly have been wondering if we've somehow tapped into a connection with a parallel, or alternative, world. As you say, it would explain why the Dean Cain we're familiar with differs so much from Mr Tank's.
Nic, you're forgetting that I'm an investigative reporter! I also speed-read, so it wasn't that hard to figure out Ms Richards' surname from the very many posts she's made to these boards over the years. Also, don't worry about the accusation of untruthfulness — Lois and I have pretty thick skins!
Dear Sherry, that's reassuring to hear. I wasn't aware that all of you had to sign consent and authorization forms. I still wonder how, if I and my wife could gain access so easily, you can possibly guarantee that no-one other than authorized researchers have access to this information. Surely this website is open to the general public?
Dear Wendy, first let me say that I hope you don't mind me dropping the formalities. Lois and I are pretty informal people, and we feel we've gotten to know you and your colleagues pretty well through reading all the comments on these boards. Second, there is this all-important issue of trust. As you may imagine, it's a subject I've thought about a lot over the years, and I guess the conclusion I've reached is that there comes a point where you just have to trust your instincts (there's that word 'trust' again!). I have to tell you, my instinct from the start was that you were a group of people who could be trusted to keep a secret, and all your messages to me since then have strengthened that instinct. Therefore — and I speak for Lois, too, here — we've decided to accept your reassurances with good faith, and you have our warmest good wishes for the successful and enjoyable continuance of your project. You say you have a couple of questions for me, and I'll be happy to answer them, although you'll understand, I hope, if I ask you to confine our dialog to private email. By the way, as I indicated to Nic, my wife isn't the only one in our partnership capable of chasing up information!
Dear SuperMom, I love the nick, and so does Superman, although Lois wasn't quite so amused when I suggested we could adopt it for her if we're ever lucky enough to become parents. Regarding the nudist colony investigation — well, as you know, it wasn't one of my finest moments. But your account actually gave us a lot of laughs, so don't feel so bad about posting it.
Dear Carol, my wife wants to say a few words to you (please forgive her spelling and grammar; she insisted I didn't edit her copy for once). Only kidding, honey!
###
Hi, Carol! I thought I'd made it clear that I don't eat a lot of chocolate. That, plus a lot of exercise at the gym, keeps my figure just about in check. It's Clark you need to talk to — he eats more junk food than my sister's two kids get through in a year. As for your new thread, I already know how I respond to Dean Cain! I don't need any of you researchers to tell me that, and anyway, it looks like your Dean Cain isn't the same as ours, so it wouldn't mean very much to me. My family? I'll give you two words: Federal disaster. That's really all you need to know.
###
Me again (Clark). Thanks to all of you, we're feeling much better about things than when we first stumbled on this site yesterday. If you are in an alternative universe, and neither of us can come up with a better explanation, then I guess we really don't have much to worry about. We know you'll keep the 'portal' between our universes a secret, and over here, we seem to be the only ones able to gain access to your world. At least, I really, really hope so!
Yours sincerely,
Clark Kent
###
PS — Clark only *thinks* his spelling and grammer are better than mine are.
###
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Kaethel
Dear Mr Kent,
It's an honor to see you visiting this lab for research on psychological development. I'm sure many of us (myself included) would be very happy to show you around our premises. Before you start worrying, none of us are planning on dissecting you like a frog or do anything of the sort. We all respect and admire you too much for that, and you've brought so much good in our lives, and your incredible abilities — um…I mean your abilities to dig out the truth, of course — have allowed many people to regain a hope they'd lost. You're making a difference, and that's what counts. That's what our research has led us to, and we keep being confirmed that truth with every new project we start.
Something struck close to home in your first intervention, though…
quote:
One account has my wife returning from an extended period of absence in the Congo, of all places, whereas another has her married to one of this century's most dangerous criminals (incidentally, for reasons I won't go into here, this account in particular was extremely upsetting to my wife, and we are currently considering whether to take this further with the researcher concerned).
Ouch…um…well…uh…ahem…what can I say? The first thing that comes to mind, here is 'HEEEEEEEEELP Superman!!", but I doubt it'll work this time <g>.
In the defense of every fellow researcher who explored that admittedly dark part of your wife's past (and I understand that she'd want to forget about it), I have to say that all of the research led around that particularly painful time of her life — and yours, Mr Kent, as well — brought us to the conclusion that this long weeks you spent apart made Ms Lane aware of her deep feelings for you. From one rather dreadful time of your life came a happy consequence.
And you'll note that all of the researchers who've tried to tackle this particular subject of research have done their best to make her aware of the feelings she harboured for you. You can indeed consider that as interfering, but we didn't really intervene, in the strict sense of the term. I can hear your wife growl as she reads that — Ms Lane, please, do understand that we never meant you weren't free to think and do what pleases you. We're here as friends, and mean absolutely no harm.
But Mr Kent and Ms Lane, can you count the number of times that we convinced either one of you to stay with the other, late one night, and made you overcome the fear of rejection, or the fear of facing your feelings for each other, so that you could take the scary step and admit your love for each other?
Warmest regards.
Kaethel (who doesn't wear one of those doc's white lab coats, if that reassures you )
ps: Ms Lane, I share your taste for double fudge crunch bars, and don't see why it would be any problem to admit one's love for chocolate. Shipment of toffee and flakes on its way, and coming via mail very soon — I'm sure you'll love those
***
quote:
Or that you, Mr Kent, were spotted by one of our number emerging from a patisserie in Poitiers yesterday morning
*Cough* *cough* *cough* WHAT?!?!? Darn, why can't I remember this sighting? I mean, it's not as if Mr Kent's face was forgettable!
Oh, and Nicole, ROTFL! But nope, it's not me.
Helene
***
March 12th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Dear Mr Kent — or may I call you Clark, since you have dispensed with formalities?
I'm so pleased to see that you have dropped much of your reserve and decided to trust us. We really do mean you no harm at all; in fact, quite the contrary. We have your best interests at heart — the interests of *everyone* concerned, if you understand me.
I will gladly take you up on your offer of answering my additional questions, but you have not as yet provided an email address where I may contact you. Is Clark.Kent@Dailyplanet.Metropolis.com adequate, or would you prefer that I use a… less public email address, since some of my questions may cover matters you would prefer not to discuss over the Planet's network?
By the way, in case I forget to say it later, I think it's so sweet that you help your wife with her grammar. I'm sure it's a touching recompense for the help she gives you with your writing. It's so good to see couples working as a team, isn't it?
Well, Clark, I think I'll take the rest of my comments to private email, once you let me know just how you'd like me to contact you. And do, please, give my regards to Superman! <wink, wink!>
With Super good wishes,
Wendy
(Senior Researcher, Alien Psychologies)
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Chickadee
Dear Mr. Kent — I am thrilled to see you have found these wonderful boards. As everyone else here has done, I assure you your secret is safe with us. I wonder if I might make a suggestion? Since these are the boards for works of fiction in progress, what would be the chances of talking your wonderful wife into posting her novel here? Oops. Are we not to know of the novel?
As you have already surmised, the researchers on these boards are *very* thorough. But back to my question. I think you will find the gentle readers of this board would be very interested and may even make some helpful suggestions should your wife need any. If nothing else, the constant nagging for MORE may be just the encouragement she needs to complete her novel. Again, welcome to the boards! Dede
***
LOL — sorry I couldn't resist! I have to say that everyone's responses have been as well done and as much fun as the initial post. If I may suggest someone who has not been mentioned yet, what about James and Elisabeth?
Dede
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Melisma
Erm, could it be Zoom? Our board mommy has been conspicuously quiet this whole thread
Melisma (under her Rock, watching the fur fly in amusement…)
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Kaylle
Melisma, you might be on to something there! I was going to suggest that Zoom was in on it, at least. It seemed kind of odd to me that the username Clark Kent wasn't long taken already, and when I checked the registration form for this board it says only to use letters and numbers. I didn't go so far as to register another name to test the theory, but I don't think you can use spaces in a username. So what does that mean?
Kaylle, who's enjoying this thread immensely nonetheless
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Nat
Ack! I just read this yesterday was gonna post what I think today and look at the *length* of this thread!!!
I'm with you Melisma, my guess is Zoom our board mom. Made only after scrolling through a page and witnessing denials from other esteemed authors, *and* the fact that I thought we can't have spaces in our nicks?
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: NicNacs
Um, doesn't Irene have a space in her name?
I vote for Yvonne. Unless I missed it, she hasn't offered a denial yet.
Nic
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: CKGroupie
H,lSne,
Darn! I was so sure about it! I mean "Lois married to Luthor", "Lois addicted to chocolate" *and* "Poitiers"! If it's not you, then Clark Kent is very good at sending us on wild goose chases
To the Zoomie-Theory… sorry, can't see that. Clark Kent doesn't sound like Zoomie's Clark Kent. So if it is not H,lSne my bet is on Phil, Yvonne, or what about Jeff?
Nicole
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Just supplying some information for those not in the know: apparently Zoom did an IP trace and says that the poster is in the UK.
(And no, it's *not* me!)
Wendy
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: NearlyNoelNeill
Would that be a problem for Superman? Couldn't he zip to an Internet cafe in the UK and back to Metropolis?
I noticed that Clark Kent has both a gift for punctuation and an excellent spell- checker.
Sherry
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Zoomway
quote:
Just supplying some information for those not in the know: apparently Zoom did an IP trace and says that the poster is in the UK
Well, I haven't posted in this thread, and honestly, I wouldn't know it existed if not for Chris telling me about it. When she sent me a link to the page, I thought she was alerting me to a troublemaker <big grin>
My first reaction was to run the IP numbers as with anyone who had caused trouble on the message board lately. I'm afraid all Chris wrote with the URL was "have you seen this?" and so it seemed ominous.
However, it wasn't a thorough run of the numbers, nor did I compare them to anyone else's numbers registered here since it didn't turn out to be someone causing trouble, despite Chris' vague wording
It could be someone in the UK, or just someone using a UK account, as I said, it wasn't a deep run of the numbers. There's certainly a German site where anyone can get an account. However, with the use of "realise" instead of "realize" I'd have figured it wasn't an American even if I hadn't run the numbers.
And Nicky is correct, it definitely is *not* me, but I think it has made for a very cute thread. Also, for the record, you can create names here with a space.
Zoom (not Clark Kent) way
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Carol Malo
Dear Ms. Lane,
Encrytped message follows:
As a sometime researcher and one who is only motivated by the welfare of both you and your husband, I must draw your attention to a serious matter.
The man who has been corresponding with us, warning us in fact to stay away, is not your husband.
His nationality is suspect. His use of language, indeed his spelling, is a colloquialism short of Kansas. Yet he knows everything about your life as well as that of your husband.
How could that be? Who could know so much aout your lives, besides we determined and meticulous researchers? Only one man. H.G. Wells! He has switched bodies, in all innocence we can only hope, with Clark Kent, who even now may be in some other time dimension warning you not to have sex with your husband. Btw, didn't you wonder about that, Ms. Lane?
I urge you, Ms Lane, stop keeping track of your chocolate intake. Stop being distracted by this so called Clark Kent's more decorative physical attributes. Listen to him speak! He is not your husband.
I pray that Herb's motives are still pure and that he merely had a little glitch in that time travel gadget. But his warning to us is suspect. We are are no threat; indeed our commitment to truth and justice is as strong as, well, as Superman's.
Could this be the work of that Mxypickle or whatever that odd little person's name is?
I wish you the best of luck in what is surely to be one of your greatest challenges.
Respectfully, A researcher.
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Irene Dutch
Dear Mr. Kent,
There has been a great deal of speculation as to whose computer in the UK yours has been accessing inadvertently in what is most probably an alternate dimension to your own.
That person, if identified, would be overrun with *researchers* rife with questions about you that he or she would most likely not be able to answer. (In case you haven't noticed, we are all quite fond of you and your wife almost to the point of obsession.) Your inadvertent contact would not be in danger, but all the same, for your contact's privacy, I would suggest that you resist the blandishments of the readers of this interesting discussion and refrain from posting that person's identity. My compliments to whomever that person might be. He or she is obviously as good at keeping a secret as you and Ms. Lane are rumoured to be.
Let me also say that if ever Mr. Wells (yes, we are that thorough) issues you an invitation to go dimension hopping, you and your lovely wife would be more than welcome to visit us here. It goes without saying that this invitation is extended to Superman also. Come to dinner. I'll make pasta.
All best wishes, Irene D.
P.S. Please extend my compliments to Jimmy Olsen and Perry White, also.
***
I couldn't resist, guys!
Much as I would love to know who is posting this, in another big way, I don't want to know. It's a lovely mystery that's a heck of a lot of fun!
I think, though, that the speculation is all part of the charm. I'm voting for Phil Atcliffe. This is so similar to his first Couch Potatoes story. (And where is part 2, I'd like to ask!)
Although it could be Yvonne also. Or perhaps, it's the two of them in cahoots. We haven't heard from either one of them!
Irene
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Hazel
quote:
Come to dinner. I'll make pasta.
Irene: ROTFL!
Ms. Lane, I can only add my own, admittedly biased, warning regarding Herb. The man may have his heart in the right place, but he has a terrible tendency to meddle where things are better left alone. A careful examination of past events will show that many of the difficulties you and your husband have encountered are a direct result of his ineptitude. If the man is, indeed, masquerading as your esteemed husband, I advise you to take action immediately. Call in Martha. She is unquestionably a more powerful weapon than Superman.
Hazel
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Sheila Harper
I'm not surprised at the UK connection. No matter how formal and academic I make my tone, I would never use "forenames" instead of "first names," so I can't imagine that a Clark Kent raised in the next state over from me would do so, either. Excellent job, however, and it sure made for a fun thread.
BTW, thanks for the compliments on my writing.
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Topic Header: Two Whom It May Concern — Comments Part Two
Hi!
Lois suggested I should start a new thread because the other one was getting so long. I haven't time right now to reply properly to you all — I just flew home to pick up something I left behind, and Lois is waiting for me back at the Planet to help her with the follow-up to the train disaster story.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can't figure out why you don't think I'm me. Sure, I've been a little formal, but I think you'd agree that anyone in this situation would want to make their case firmly, and that meant being a little less friendly than I'd usually want to be.
Back to the Planet — talk to you all later, I hope.
Yours,
Clark
PS — Superman says Hi!
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Hazel
My *very* dear Mr. Kent,
I never thought of you as the punny type. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the misspelling was intended.
…Either that, or Lois typed in the topic's subject.
Hazel, who is glad that Lois has shown no inclination to go after her with a spatula for her portrayal in CPOV
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Raggiemom
Mr. Kent,
Good morning to you! Unless it is true that your address is originating in the UK. Is that London branch still in operation? My guess is that your good friend, Superman is able to take you wherever you are needed if absolutely necessary.
I was just wondering what your lovely wife thought of your 'Jimmy Olsen' status on our boards. I hope it hasn't insulted her, but all researchers go through the newbie status of 'Jimmy Olsen' before achieving the coveted 'Lois & Clark' ranking.
I picked up a copy of the Daily Planet this morning. Have you changed your glasses recently? I like the style, did Ms. Lane help you choose them this time?
You and your wife's presence on our research boards is a continued treat. It is much more rewarding to communicate directly with the object of our research then to conduct our own randomly educated guesses, though I believe our aquaintance is well past mere research.
Perhaps sometimes in the future, you and your spouse can join us on the IRC #lanekent where you can engaged in conversation with several researchers at once. We are a friendly bunch and I can assure that you will be well received.
Missy Gallant
P.S. Does your wife have a fondness for Cinnabons? Some of our researchers enjoy them as much as she does Double Fudge Crunch bars. Please give her my warmest regards.
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Hi Clark!
It's so nice of you to drop in like this to let us know what you're up to. You 'flew' home from work…? Of course you did!
Hope you have a Super day! We'll look forward to hearing from you again later.
Wendy (your fan, as well as a researcher — this remaining objective thing is so difficult!)
***
Hey Missy! Yeah, I love Cinnabons, but I assure you once more that our Mr Kent is definitely not me!
Wendy
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Supermom
quote:
Does your wife have a fondness for Cinnabons?
After hearing Wendy *rave* about Cinnabons, I was so excited when I spotted a Cinnabon shop in the Charlotte, NC airport over the weekend. I had enough of a layover between flights to have lunch and share a Cinnabon with hubby for dessert. They are marvelous! Too bad there's not a shop here. But I agree — they are far superior to Double Fudge Crunch Bars. Maybe Lois eats those because there's not a Cinnabon shop in Metropolis. However, since she and Clark are such good friends with Superman, one would think that Supes would be happy to fly anywhere in the world to bring Lois a generous supply of Cinnabons whenever she wanted. After all, he's gotten a great deal of great, free publicity courtesy of Lois's articles about him at the Planet.
Marilyn
P.S. I'm glad you and Lois got a laugh over my account of the nudist resort investigation. I was really worried there for a moment and thought you might be mad enough to sic Calvin Dregg's lawyer on me and file a lawsuit.
I'm glad, too, that you and Superman are okay with my nickname. And about Lois — give her time. If and when you two ever do become parents (and you *will* if the stories on this board are any indication ), she will change her tune and be proud to be known as SuperMom. Let me give you a tip though: when you take your daughter to her first Daisy Scout meeting, DON'T volunteer Lois to be the leader. I can tell you with 100% accuracy that she will not be thrilled if you do.
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Gerry
Dear Clark,
I'm taking a cue from your latest level of formality and addressing you as Clark. First of all, I'm so glad that you have joined the msb and are willing to speak to our group of researchers.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to ask you a few questions that have always been on this particular researcher's mind. I know that you have a direct connection to Superman. I hope you use that link to answer my questions.
1. What does Superman wear under his spandex costume if his underwear are on top?
2. What does Superman do with his boots and cape when he changes into…I don't know who?
3. Similarly, what does Superman do with his clothing, glasses, etc. when he isn't I don't know who?
4. Why doesn't the spandex blue uniform appear through a white shirt?
5. And finally, for you Mr. Kent, where do you buy your ties. These researchers have given your ties short shrift and you deserve more credit for you choices.
It's a pleasure to be able to write directly to you.
Yours truly,
Gerry
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Hi again!
We've just got home, and Lois is in the kitchen making dinner (yes, I really said that!), so I'm grabbing a few minutes to answer you guys.
Kaethel and Wendy, I think you're kidding me now. Am I really to believe you're all part of some vast psychological research institute over in that other world? Sounds a little far-fetched to me! On the other hand, your generous comments, Kaethel, are very good for my ego, so maybe you do know a thing or two about psychology after all. That said, I'd prefer it if you could just treat me like a regular guy, which is exactly what I am, after all. I really don't deserve all these accolades you're showering on me.
Kaethel, your points regarding the various accounts of our difficult and accident- prone courtship are kindly made, but you seem to think you're actually controlling how I and Lois behave. I'm sure that's not the case; I've felt a lot of weird things in my time, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a puppet!
Oh, Lois says thanks for the toffee and flakes, but she wonders how the shipment is going to find its way through the portal between our universes.
Wendy, I think I understand you very clearly. As to an email address, I have to admit that I'd forgotten in my enthusiasm for a more open and trusting relationship that we have this problem of communication between the universes. You're welcome to try me at Clark.Kent@Hyperion.Smallville.com, and I'll look forward to hearing from you if anything manages to get through. And yes, my wife and I work very well as a team.
###
Wendy, he won't say it, but I will. You're absolutely right — he thinks good grammer and an ability to spell every single word in the English language makes him a better writer than me, but you know, and I know, that it takes more than elegant prose to make a good news story! Doesn't it, sweetheart?
###
Honey, I never said that. I just said that good spelling and grammar makes the story easier to read.
###
Don't listen to him, Wendy.
###
Okay, we're safe. She's back in the kitchen again. Anyone think I should worry about the burning smell yet? I'm trying not to interfere.
Where were we? Oh, right — Dede. Don't even ask me to broach the subject of Lois' novel with her. She's given up writing because of you guys!
###
I'm back. Look, Carol, don't worry — he's been going through this weird phase for ages. He's been experimenting with different writing styles, and I think sometimes he just takes the experiment too far. Perry threatened to send him back to journalism school if he doesn't quit soon, although he was mostly just kidding. Also, I guess you wouldn't know this, because I understand none have you have ever read any of his work, but he often mixes up US and UK spelling. No idea why, but it's kind of cute, don't you think?
###
Me again. Irene, have you any idea what pasta does to me? I don't think I can safely take you up on the invitation, much as I'd love to! I think the portal between the universes must be responsible for the confusing UK address of my messages. That's the only explanation that makes any sense to me and Lois, anyway.
Hazel, how right you are! Mom is a force to be reckoned with, and I love her for it. I don't think I need her to protect me from Mr Wells, however. We haven't seen him for a very long time. The pun, I'll admit, was a mistake, but a pretty good one, all the same. I'll let you know on the spatula — for all I know, she's wielding one right now in the kitchen!
Talking of kitchens, I'm getting worried about that burning smell. I'm going to have to leave you and take a peek — sorry! I'll get back to you later, I promise.
Yours, Clark
***
March 13th, 2001:
From: Irene Dutch
Clark, you wrote:
quote:
Irene, have you any idea what pasta does to me? I don't think I can safely take you up on the invitation, much as I'd love to!
I'll make meatloaf.
Irene
***
March 14th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Dear Lois,
It's so nice to speak directly with you! Much as I adore — I mean, admire your husband, it's always so good to talk to an intelligent, active woman who understands! (Oh, and from one undomesticated woman to another, being able to cook is so unimportant in the global scheme of things, isn't it?
I wanted to tell you: I managed somehow to obtain a copy of yesterday's Daily Planet, somewhat battered and crumpled by the time it finally found its way over to this side of the great universe dividing line, and I read the article on the train crash. I saw that it appears under both your and Clark's byline, but I am positive that it was mostly written by you. Am I right? It just seemed to have your style and skill with words all over it, although I could see a couple of places where you'd tweaked it a little to make it appear that Clark had contributed. His work is just not quite the same, is it?
(Though I really feel that I'd be failing in my duties as an editor, Lois, if I didn't point out that it's spelt *grammar*. Hope you don't mind!)
I'm so glad to be able to welcome you to our little community! We're a very friendly crowd here, and all great admirers of you and your husband. Though I feel that I should probably warn you against one individual in particular. He's a perfectly sweet old guy — musically talented, too! — but he's never quite understood what you see in Clark. In fact, I sometimes suspect that he'd prefer to have you all to himself, although he's never yet brought himself to write a research report in which he kills *Clark* off.
Never mind, though; I and everyone else is fully of the belief that you and Clark are made for each other! Destined to be together. Although, Lois, it would set my mind at rest if you could assure me that you don't really believe in any of that reincarnation stuff. Go on, tell me that you were only humouring that strange Mr Wells, weren't you? Just in case he allowed Tempus to kidnap you again.
Well, it's been so nice talking to you, Lois! Do give my very best wishes to your husband — I hope he wasn't too busy last night to spend some time with you!
Do come and talk to us again soon!
Your admirer and, I hope, friend,
Wendy
***
March 14th, 2001:
From: Tank Wilson
Dear Mr. Kent and Ms. Lane. You have to excuse Wendy sometimes. She has what we call prolificitous. She doesn't know how to write a short note or a reasonable sized 'research paper'.
I just wanted to add that, even though I'm old and am a musician of sorts, I'm not sweet so I have no idea whom Wendy could be speaking about.
Tank (who wishes to tell Lois that he really liked the shorter hairstyle she adopted during that nasty time you had with Bob Fences)
***
March 14th, 2001:
From: NicNacs
Irene wrote:
quote:
I'll make meatloaf.
I like meatloaf. Can I come? I would love to meat the famous Clark Kent, and his lovely wife. I assume Lois is coming?
Nic
PS — Yes, the pun was intended.
PPS — Have you ever though of becoming a doctor? You could do a lot of good. Or you might enjoy teaching. I don't think Lois would have the patience for that, though.
***
March 14th, 2001:
From: Irene Dutch
Nic, the more the merrier.
I'll set an extra plate at the table.
Irene
***
March 14th, 2001:
From: Diyan
quote:
the more the merrier
This is my theory, too, Irene, but I've come to the conclusion that our table *really* can't seat more than 15 (designed for 8), and it's no fun to be seated at a second table — makes you feel like a child sent to the corner. But if you have enough room at your table, can I come too? I would love to meet Lois and Clark!
Lois, please don't give up your fiction writing! I loved your novel. I told Nekanuq (she's the one who found your novel and sent it to our Archive) when I read it that would love to see more of your work.
-Dia
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Irene Dutch
Dia, I never realised my little dinner party would be so popular. Of course you're invited.
In fact, if Clark and Lois (and Superman, of course) agreed to attend, I would be delighted to host an intimate reception honouring them — no more than three, four thousand folks (er, FoLCs). We might not all be able to sit at the same table, but I'm sure that everyone would be able to shake their hands and exchange a few pleasantries.
Clark, Lois, (and Superman ) please allow me to make this invitation official. It would be a delight if you could attend. Perhaps your Uncle Mike might consider catering, Lois. If so, please let me know what supplies he would need. And let him know that I'll pay him in gold as I'm not sure our currency is valid in your dimension.
Hoping to see you soon,
Your devoted fan,
Irene
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Supermom
Dear Clark,
I suppose that since I've written about you in the "altogether" I'm allowed to call you by your first name? We haven't heard from you in about 36 hours. I hope nothing is wrong. Any major disasters? Did Perry send you two off on assignment? Did Lois burn down the house making dinner? You did mention a burning smell and there was that one incident before with the smoke detectors and the fire department.
I'm just checking to make sure you're okay. We care about you guys. It's not just some passing fancy or tabloid curiosity. We really do care.
Drop us a line and let us know that you're okay.
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Hi!
SuperMom and everyone else, I'm sorry for the long absence. It looks like this portal between our universes is closing up or something, because I've had a lot of difficulty getting through since my last message. Let's hope it doesn't disappear altogether — this has been fun!
Missy, Lois doesn't mind at all that I'm a 'Jimmy Olsen' member. In fact, she joked that it's not the first time I've been mistaken for Jimmy. That's probably giving too much away, but I'm pretty certain I'm among friends I can trust. My old glasses, by the way, got broken a while back when I was…well, let's just say they got broken, and leave it at that! I'm glad you like them. I tried IRC, but as I said before, the portal hasn't been working very well, and anyway, I doubt it would work. I haven't received any emails from Wendy, for example. Lois says she's already addicted to Double Fudge Crunch bars, so why make things worse by adding Cinnabons to her list of 'things I must ration'.
###
I never said I was addicted, Clark! I just like them a lot.
###
Like I said, she's addicted.
Wendy, of course I flew home from work. I was in a rush. And I know just what you mean about objectivity — I have that problem a lot when I'm reading Lois' work.
###
He means he sets higher standards for me than anyone else, Wendy. And I'm not addicted.
###
Yes, she is.
SuperMom, I would never volunteer Lois for anything. I value my life too highly.
Gerry, I interviewed Superman on your behalf, and these are his answers:
1. Whatever's necessary.
2. When he gets home, he changes into less formal clothes and leaves his boots and cape with his tights.
3. He doesn't wear glasses.
4. He's not sure what you mean by this one. He did say, however, that if he wanted to wear a white shirt on top of his uniform, he'd be sure to pick a very thick, high- quality shirt.
5. Lois buys my ties these days. She says I can't be trusted.
Meatloaf, Irene? How did you know that was my second favorite after pasta? Mom always makes a great meatloaf, but I'm sure yours would be just as good. Lois and I are honored to accept your generous invitation, but please keep your gold to yourself! Neither we, nor anyone we could persuade to come with us, would want money from you. We'll find a way of getting over there, if we possibly can.
###
Me again, Wendy. It's OK — everyone adores my husband. It's an occupational hazard. Unlike cooking, which is not an occupation at all — it's a mystical talent handed down from mother to son. Maybe that's where I went wrong — after all, Daddy always wanted a boy.
Wendy, Perry would kill me if he ever caught me doing a thing like that. Of course Clark contributed to that train crash article; he contributed a lot. For starters, he was the one who interviewed Superman, not me! So don't you ever accuse me of cheating on my boss like that.
And it's no good telling me how to spell. Clark does that, and it doesn't work. Yeah, I know *now* how to spell grammar, but ask me tomorrow and I'll probably spell it with one 'm'.
I've noticed how well Tank understands me. It's kind of unnerving, actually, reading his accounts. Even if the facts are wrong, it's like looking in a mirror — usually a pretty flattering one, too! And, don't tell him, but I sometimes wonder what I see in Clark.
###
Hey!
###
He's such a sensitive guy. Anyway, you asked about reincarnation? I try to keep an open mind — well, Clark says I should, at any rate. We've seen a lot of weird things in the past few years, so I guess he's right.
Bye, Wendy, and everyone else!
Lois (who is never going to write another word of her novel)
###
Hi, Tank. I liked her hair in that cute, shorter style, too. About Wendy — we call it verbosity, and
***
March 15th, 2001: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Sorry, the portal closed. As I was saying, Tank — Wendy sure does write lengthy research papers, but they're well-written, so
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Sorry, it went again. I think I'd better keep this short. Great to talk to you all, and I hope
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Clark Kent
Metropolis, New Troy
Here I am again! Great to meet you all, and I hope we can do this again, if the portal allows it.
###
And I am *not* addicted to chocolate!
###
Yours,
Cla
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Clark!!!
You can't leave like this!
Lois, come back! Find HG Wells and get him to open the portal again!
HELP SUPERMAN!!!
Wendy
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Supermom
Clark,
Maybe you (or Superman) can get in touch with that fellow Andrus. He had one of those gizmos that opened a time window. We've been enjoying our "conversations" with you and Lois and certainly don't want to see them end.
***
March 15th, 2001:
From: Wendy Richards
Oh, and I've just realised…
***
Clark thinks my work is good!!
***
Oh, now I do hope he comes back…
Wendy
***
Clark and Lois, however, remained stubbornly silent and out of contact and it was feared that the portal between our two universes had closed forever and neither would be heard from again.
However, a short time later, one of the esteemed members of the Kerth (http://www.ida.net/users/davek/kerths.html ) committee received an unexpected email…
***
Subject: The Kerths
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 14:38:39 -0000
From: "Clark Kent" <clarkjeromekent@hotmail.com>
To: jernigan@BELLSOUTH.NET
Hi, Pam!
I hope this reaches you across the great divide between our two universes.
As you can see, this weird portal I've found has opened up again, so I'm grabbing the opportunity to write to you regarding the Kerths.
Lois and I were wondering if you'd mind us dropping in on the ceremony for a while. Neither of us have ever attended an on-line award ceremony before, and we'd love to join in the fun. I'd even say we could get a story out of it, except I think Perry would send us to a therapist if we told him we'd been communicating with people from another universe!
I've gotten pretty familiar with FoLCdom through the boards, and I have to say, I'm impressed — you're a very dedicated, likable bunch of people. I can also see that some people in particular contribute a lot of their own time to the project, and with that in mind, I'd like to make a suggestion for a new Kerth award: the Clark Kent Award for Services to FoLCdom.
What do you think? I think you know me well enough to know that I'm not interested in puffing up my own ego, but I thought FoLCs, and especially the deserving recipient, might get a kick out of receiving an award bearing my name. I'd suggest that the award winner be agreed by the Kerth committee this year; a possible candidate would be Kathy Brown, who I understand has been Editor in Chief of the Fanfic Archive for very many years.
I look forward to hearing your opinion.
Yours,
Clark
***
From: Pam Jernigan <jernigan@bellsouth.net>
To: Clark Kent <clarkjeromekent@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: The Kerths
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 12:24:28 -0500
Mr. Kent,
I can't tell you how exciting it is to see your name in my mailbox! :) I've been an admirer of yours, and of your wife, for years now.
> Neither of us have ever attended an on- >line award ceremony before, and we'd love >to join in the fun. I'd even say we could >get a story out of it, except I think >Perry would send us to a therapist if we >told him we'd been communicating with >people from another universe!
Very likely! :) And I suspect you two have had quite enough of therapists already. However, you might consider looking into fan activity in your own universe; I like to think that FOLCs are unique but we're not *that* different — I believe other groups have similar celebrations. If we can't get the free publicity, some other deserving group should <g>
Anyway, I had considered inviting you to the Kerth awards, but was too bashful to bring up the subject, so I'm delighted at your interest! We'd love to have you and Lois drop in, and I think the idea of an award is terrific. Actually, it's funny that you'd mention it, because Erin and I were already discussing giving some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award, with Kathy as the probable recipient so I can see that, different dimensions or not, we're on the same wavelength here :)
The only concern I have, frankly, is that your presence is going to cause quite a stir and I would hate to take any limelight away from the award winners. I'm sure you understand that you are a celebrity, despite your natural modesty. Even Superman couldn't give us a bigger thrill ;) However, I believe we can manage that, with your cooperation.
I see two options. We could announce your presence at the very start of the awards, and allow the fans some time to gush over you at that point :) then proceed with the ceremony, with the added thrill of your participation. This might cause a few awkward moments for you or the authors/researchers who've written about some (purely hypothetical) intimate or emotionally charged situations that purported to involve you and your wife.
Alternatively, we could conceal your presence until the end of the ceremony, when we plan to unveil the special award for Kathy … I don't know how familiar you are with IRC (or how stable the portal will be) but I would be deeply honored if you could present that award. Prior to that point, perhaps you could use a different nick to disguise yourself; I understand your wife has some talent in that area, and it's relatively simple to do on the Internet. No hair style changes required ;) Once you've presented the award, perhaps you could stay and chat with us for a while. We will have "bouncers" in place in case the crowd gets too rowdy, but I don't really believe that will be a problem.
Please let me know your thoughts, and again, I'm delighted you're willing to participate. I'll be putting together a program of events for the evening and I will need to know how we're going to handle things — preferably in the next day or so, although we can always improvise if we have to.
Warm regards,
Pam Jernigan / ChiefPam /
jernigan@bellsouth.net
***
Subject: Re: The Kerths
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 22:43:23 -0000
From: "Clark Kent" <clarkjeromekent@hotmail.com>
To: jernigan@bellsouth.net
Pam,
First, please call me Clark! It's obvious from your work that you know me very well, and besides, I'll have to start calling you Ms Jernigan if you insist on calling me Mr Kent.
>I can't tell you how exciting it is to see >your name in my mail box! :) I've been an >admirer of yours, and of your wife, for >years now. Thank you! We'll certainly >take a look into fan activity on the net, >as you >suggest; I wouldn't mind exploding >a few myths about internet users and >anoraks, if you get my drift. Lois and I >are thrilled that you've accepted our >'gatecrash' into the Kerth ceremony, and >that you agree to >our suggestion for a >special award for services to FoLCdom. >Even better, we're delighted that you >agree with us on the probable recipient.
Wavelengths definitely seem to cross universes. I had the same concern regarding my appearance as you did, and even had the same two possible solutions. Of the two, I think the latter is the better — it would make for an even bigger, and, hopefully, nicer surprise for Kathy if I were to make my appearance 'out of the blue' (if you'll pardon the pun). I'm happy to lurk under disguise until that point; as you know, I have some experience in this area.
Thank you for inviting me to present the award, and I'm very honored to accept. I'll set my speech writer to work right away <g>.
(Ah. Lois says I'm perfectly capable of writing my own speeches.)
Well, I'm really looking forward to this! Let me know if you need any further input from me or Lois. The portal looks as if it's pretty stable right now, so correspondence shouldn't be a problem over the next couple of days.
Kind regards,
Clark
***
From: Pam Jernigan <jernigan@bellsouth.net>
To: Clark Kent <clarkjeromekent@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: The Kerths
Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001 10:37:59 -0500
Hi Clark,
I apologize for taking so long to get back to you … my week has just been a killer. I'm sure you have those yourself, from time to time.
> Of the two, I think the latter is the >better — it would make for an even bigger, >and, hopefully, nicer surprise for Kathy >if I were to make my appearance 'out of >the blue' (if you'll pardon the pun). I'm >happy to lurk under disguise until that >point; as you know, I have some experience >in this area.
That sounds like a good idea. I've just finished putting the final touches on the program for the evening (I like to have everything laid out so I don't get too flustered :) and I've got a spot for you as a "mystery presenter of a mystery award" (Kathy gets a copy of the program!) almost at the very end… If you could send me a private message at some point letting me know what you're using as an undercover nickname, I'd appreciate it :)
>Thank you for inviting me to present the >award, and I'm very honored to accept. >I'll set my speechwriter to work right >away <g>. Ah. Lois says I'm perfectly >capable of >writing my own speeches.)
<g> I'm sure you'll do fine.
I think that's all we need to arrange beforehand … but if you've got any questions feel free to ask. Erin and I are very excited that you're going to help us out; we think the FOLCs are going to love seeing you :)
Say hi to Lois for me :)
Pam Jernigan / ChiefPam /
jernigan@bellsouth.net
***
From: "Clark Kent" <clarkjeromekent@hotmail.com>
To: jernigan@BELLSOUTH.NET
Subject: Re: The Kerths
Date: Monday, 26 Mar 2001 13:43:11 -0500
Hi Pam,
>I apologize for taking so long to get back >to you … my week has just been a killer. >I'm sure you have those yourself, from >time to time.
I certainly do! Actually, I think this week just about qualifies under the 'killer' title.
>That sounds like a good idea. I've just >finished putting the final touches on the >program for the evening (I like to have >everything laid out so I don't get too >flustered :) and I've got a spot for you >as a "mystery presenter of a mystery >award" (Kathy gets a copy of the program!) >almost at the very end… If you could >send me a private message at some point >letting me know what you're using as an >undercover nickname, I'd appreciate it :)
Will do.
>I think that's all we need to arrange >beforehand … but if you've got any >questions feel free to ask. Erin and I >are very excited that you're going to help >us out; we think the FOLCs are going to >love seeing you :)
No questions, and I'm looking forward to meeting you all :)
>Say hi to Lois for me :)
Lois says hi back :)
Yours,
Clark
***
Clark (and Lois) did arrive as promised and, as you can see, caused quite a sensation on the glittering evening in question. ;)
***
Excerpt from the Kerth Awards 2001 Ceremony Log:
[20:35] <ChiefPam> And in one last surprise … we have a mystery guest here tonight.
[20:35] <AMCiotola> You deserve the time needed for the little one coming :)
[20:35] <KathyB> thanks everyone :)
[20:35] <KathyB> Gasp! It's Clark Kent!!!
[20:35] <ChiefPam> Several weeks ago, a mysterious portal opened, between our universe and the one that holds Metropolis … and the message boards were contacted by the one, the only, the original … Clark Kent.
[20:36] <ChiefPam> He was initially a little worried at all this speculation on him, his wife, and their love life ;) but we've convinced him we mean no harm <g>
[20:36] <ChiefPam> And he assures us that all that CK=S stuff is merely rumor ;)
[20:36] <ELK^> If he insists <g>
[20:37] <ChiefPam> He's been gracious enough to help us out here tonight in presenting a special award … Clark, the floor is yours :)
[20:37] <AMCiotola> coughyeahrightcough
[20:37] <ClarkKent> Hi FoLCs! Before I explain why I'm here, I want to thank Pam and the rest of the Kerth Committee for allowing me to gatecrash your award ceremony.
[20:37] <ClarkKent> It's been a pleasure to watch from the wings, and we (Lois and I) have had a great evening. We'd also like to add our warmest congratulations to both the organisers and to the award winners.
[20:37] <ClarkKent> (Lois also wants me to tell you that it was a lot better than our own Kerth ceremony, because the acceptance speeches were better written, and no-one got drunk and fell off the stage.)
[20:38] <KathyB> LOL
[20:38] <ClarkKent> But the reason I'm here tonight is to honor a very special person.
[20:38] <ChiefPam> <g>
[20:38] <ClarkKent> Now, like any investigative reporter worth his pay check, I've done some research into this person, and this is what I've found.
[20:38] <ClarkKent> She's a pretty hard- working and dedicated force in FoLCdom.
[20:38] <ClarkKent> She's been around for more years than she might want me to mention, but her enthusiasm for, and her interest in, everything do with <embarrassed cough> me and my wife (and more of that later!) hasn't waned one little bit since day one.
[20:39] <ClarkKent> She's got a great sense of humor, she's an award-winning writer, and I've even discovered she has not one, not two, but three titles within FoLCdom.
[20:39] <ClarkKent> The first title may not be widely known, but I happen to know there's at least one fan out there who has dubbed her the Goddess of Fanfic.
[20:39] <ClarkKent> (by the way, I'd love to share with you all the wonderful mental image this conjures up for me, but Lois might get jealous ;)).
[20:39] <ClarkKent> I've read some of her work, and I have to agree — I even think I've learned one or two new things about myself as a result.
[20:40] <ClarkKent> That said, the report about my early experiences with the opposite sex was…well, let's just say it was beautifully written, but I suspect her research source may have been misinformed! <g>
[20:40] <ClarkKent> The second title is List Mom for the L&C fanfic email list.
[20:40] <ClarkKent> Now, you seem to be a pretty friendly bunch, but I understand that things can get just a little rowdy from time to time, and that's when this person calmly steps in and pours oil over the troubled waters.
[20:41] <ClarkKent> But the main reason for honoring this person tonight is because of her third title.
[20:41] <ClarkKent> As Editor In Chief for the L&C Fanfic Archive, she's invested a great deal of her own time and energy into making the archive what it is today.
[20:41] <ClarkKent> I think you'll all agree that it's one of the best-maintained, highest-quality fanfic archives on the Internet, and while that's a credit to everyone involved in the project, this person keeps it running week after week, to consistently high standards.
[20:41] <ClarkKent> Being EIC isn't just about handing out editing work and loading up reports onto the website each week, it's about managing workloads, recruiting staff,
[20:42] <ClarkKent> knowing your staff's strengths and weaknesses, acting as a PR agent for the archive, handling complaints, and understanding the needs of both the readership and the writers. It's not always an easy job, but this person makes it seem easy.
[20:42] <ClarkKent> Okay, I think it's high time I shut up and handed over the stage to someone else,
[20:42] <ClarkKent> let me announce that the recipient of the Clark Kent Award for Services to FoLCdom is, as I'm sure you've already guessed, Kathy Brown! Come on, Kathy, get over here so I can give you a hug!
[20:42] * KathyB grabs onto Clark … no, don't go! <g>
[20:42] <ChiefPam> <g>
[20:43] <ChiefPam> Watch those hands, Kathy, he's a married man!
[20:43] * ClarkKent staggers
[20:43] <KathyB> Shhh, Anne, so am I <g>
[20:43] <ELK^> a married man???
[20:43] <AMCiotola> huh?
[20:43] * KathyB gets a tight grip on Clark … wow, what big muscles you have!
[20:43] <KathyB> <g>
[20:43] <ELK^> and I thought I knew you, Kathy <g>
[20:43] * ClarkKent blushes
[20:43] <KathyB> oh stop <g>
[20:43] <ClarkKent> Mmm… lots to get hold of here :)
[20:44] <ChiefPam> Congratulations, Kathy :)
[20:44] <KathyB> You try talking sensibly when CLARK KENT is hugging you! <g>
[20:44] <ELK^> LOL
[20:44] <ClarkKent> I just hope Lois isn't reading this ;)
[20:44] <ChiefPam> Erin and I were conspiring to give you an award, but when Clark volunteered … well, I'm no fool, I jumped at the offer! <g>
[20:44] <AMCiotola> Don't worry, the log is being posted in*this* dimension
[20:44] <KathyB> Thanks everyone … to Clark, for coming through the portal for this, and especially to Erin and Pam who secretly pulled it together.
[20:44] <KathyB> :)
[20:44] <KathyB> You guys are the best!!
[20:45] <ELK^> awww :)
[20:45] <ClarkKent> I heard a rumor through the portal, Kathy, and I couldn't resist offering my services.
[20:45] <ELK^> I think Clark worked the hardest to get here :)
[20:45] <ClarkKent> Well, Jimmy helped, actually.
[20:45] * KathyB eyes Clark… yeah, I know a little bit about not being able to resist you— er, I mean — oh, never mind
[20:45] <KathyB> ;)
[20:45] * ELK^ pulls Kathy's foot out of her mouth <g>
[20:46] * ChiefPam thinks it was an impressive feat of acrobatics to get that foot up there in the first place!
[20:46] <ClarkKent> Kathy, it's a pleasure to meet you at last
[20:46] <KathyB> especially at 9 months pregnant!
[20:46] <ChiefPam> And that concludes the fourth annual Kerth Awards. If you've had half as much fun watching as I've had producing, then I've had twice as much fun as you ;) Remember, the party will continue in #KerthChat, so be sure to join us there to congratulate all our hard-working authors.
[20:46] <ChiefPam> Clark, you are more than welcome :)
[20:46] <ChiefPam> We won't rip off *all* your clothes ;)
[20:46] * ClarkKent hangs on to his shirt
[20:46] <KathyB> but you might want to leave through the window, just in case ;)
[20:47] <ChiefPam> This program made possible by: Erin Klingler, Kathy Brown, Anne Ciotola, all our award presenters, and all those who submitted commercials. Thanks, y'all!
***
Epilogue:
March 25th, 2001:
Dinner With Lois — A Story by Clark Kent
Clark walked into the dining room, laid their plates down on the table and sat down. "Glad we got that one sorted out," he remarked.
"Yeah," agreed Lois, pouring the wine. "Although I still can't figure out why she did it."
"I mean, why *would* someone want to impersonate me?" he continued. "I'm not that interesting."
Lois raised her eyebrows. "This from the man who moonlights in tights as a superhero? 'Not interesting' my eye!"
He smiled. "Honey, not everyone is interested in spandex."
"Depends what's underneath," she said with a grin. "And those fans last night certainly seemed to be interested in you."
"I guess they did."
"Especially that one who hugged you…I mean, her. That woman."
Clark laid down his fork. "That's another thing — she's a woman."
Lois nodded wisely. "Yup, full marks, Clark. 'She's usually are."
"But I'm a man," he replied indignantly.
She ran her eye up and down him. "I noticed. Believe me, I noticed."
"So why did they think she was me?" he demanded.
"Maybe she's very tall for a woman. Or she wears blue spandex and glasses? Or she has terrible taste in ties? Or really, *really* bad excuses?"
"Hey, I thought yesterday's one about Aunt Opal and her cat was pretty good."
Lois shook her head. "Clark, your Aunt Opal doesn't have a cat."
"Yes, but Perry doesn't know that."
"Yes he does, because last week you told him that you needed to take her to the pet cemetery."
Clark winced. "Where her cat was recently buried. Oops."
"Yeah. Oops."
Clark picked up his fork again and resumed eating. "Anyway, getting back to that woman…what was her name again?"
"It began with an 'E', I think. Eve?"
He pointed his fork at her. "Yvonne. Yvonne…"
"Cornell? Gandell? Con…"
"Connell! Yvonne Connell — that was her name. I hope she's got the message by now."
"That there's only one Clark Kent?"
"No, that she's got to improve her disguise if she's going to fool that crowd. They're a very clever bunch of fans, those FoLCs."
"You don't think she'll try again?" exclaimed Lois.
Clark shrugged enigmatically. "So, you thought you'd been having dinner with Clark Kent, did you?"
THE END
LabRat thanks all concerned who gave her generous permission to reprint their message board posts so that she might edit and compile this little lip;story…for the Archive. Thanks, everyone. :)