By Raquel Guimaraes <email@example.com>
Submitted: November, 2002
Summary: Lois tells someone special about her federal disasters and how she finally found love.
First of all I want to thank Sara and Dyann for their wonderful job with this story. My grammar isn't that good so they helped me a lot. Dyann gave some suggestions about it that I really appreciated. Thank you so much, guys, I don't know what I would do without you. Thanks a lot!
I want to thank everyone on Zoom's board too. I also want to thank my Archive general editor.
Feedback is always welcome.
All rights in the characters belong to DC Comics and Warner Brothers but the story itself is mine.
This story shows the events from Lois' perspective now that she knows that CK=Superman. It's a character study of Lois. I hope I did it right ;)
My life used to be so lonely; I was lonely. Looking back from when I was a little girl until now, I can tell you how much my life changed. I always felt as if no-one could be trusted because every time I let myself trust someone else I got hurt; I just got hurt myself.
I think my problem started when I was still a kid. My father wanted a boy so I think being the wrong sex does something bad to your spirit; that was a bad start for a little girl.
When my sister Lucy was born my parents started to fight a lot. I think my dad never did forgive my mom for not being able to give him a boy. I remember when he looked right at me and said "I can't believe you are just a girl." Anyway, my dad was depressed and he started to let his job take all his time. He used to be a good doctor but when he quit his job as a doctor just to start something as stupid as building cyborgs, my family started to fall apart. My mom started to drink very often while my dad was busy building his robots. He had a lot of affairs and my mom fought a lot with him.
I remember how my Christmas used to be. Lucy and I were wearing our new clothes, all excited for Christmas and our mom got drunk and burnt our supper and dad didn't come home. We used to wait and see if dad would be home before midnight but he always was late. That's why I didn't like Christmas. I was very depressed and I remember that I cried every Christmas because my father wasn't home or because we wouldn't have our Santa. I tried to do something nice to Lucy because I didn't want to see her sad. I let her believe in Santa even when I didn't believe in him anymore. It's hard to have to help your mom to go to bed because she is so drunk that she can't go for herself and it's even harder when you have to do that and keep your little sister away from the problem.
My parents divorced when I was 11 years old and my sister was only 6 and that's when the real problem started. My mother's alcoholism got worse and I cursed my dad for that. I used to believe in him; I used to like him and trusted him. I thought a father was meant to be your safe place; someone you can trust with your life and your happiness. He was the first "federal disaster" when I talk about trusting men whom I shouldn't. My dad was my first example of a man and he was also the first disaster. He haunted me for years.
When I was 18 I had to live with my father because my mom moved on to another part of the city and I couldn't go to college that way. My father lived a few blocks away from school. This was when I had a big fight with him. He wanted to see me become a doctor and I wanted to be a journalist. He told me that he wouldn't pay for my studies if I didn't do medicine and of course I couldn't let that happen. First I was cursed for not being a boy and now I was cursed for not want to be like him. It was hard to live with him because of that, so I moved on. He had gotten me an apartment but it was a little far from school and after some discussion with him he also gave me a car. I finished high school that year and I won a scholarship from Metropolis University. I would study journalism. The problem was that even with my full scholarship, I still had some big expenses. I had to pay for my books, my food, the electricity, the telephone bill, the fuel for my car and my clothes. My dad had to pay these things for me while I didn't have a job and he did that even though I was studying journalism. He understood my efforts when I won that scholarship.
I was at college and finally doing what I had wanted to do all my life. I had friends, Linda King and Molly Flynn, and life seemed so good. When I was in my second year at college I fell in love with a guy named Paul. He was the editor of the school newspaper and I had a crush on him. He didn't notice me so I thought I could do something to change that. I wrote an article about the school football players and thought that was the chance to let him feel the same for me as I felt for him. I didn't get that because my friend Linda King stole my story and did things with Paul that I wouldn't do. I will say something: she was cheap and he just fell in lust with her. Of course I fought with Linda but she told Paul that I was hurt because she was the best reporter and he believed her. He humiliated me in front of everyone by saying that, just because he didn't want me, I was being mean to his girlfriend and that I was a bad person. He was my second "federal disaster" because I let myself trust in someone else again. I might have lost him and I might have lost my friend but I still had myself and my self-respect.
Some time later I lost Molly because I didn't like her boyfriend, Ryan. We had a fight one day because I was trying to tell her she deserved a better person and she said I was being selfish because I didn't have anyone. We never talked to each other anymore and I was alone again.
I finished college after many unhappy years in my life but I took a job as a researcher at The Daily Planet. I took the job because I didn't want to depend on my dad anymore. My grades were great and the editor of the Planet liked me so that's how I got the job. I didn't want to be a researcher for a long time but I knew I had to get some experience before I could write my own articles. The first year I spent doing research for the reporters I learned a lot. One day I was listening a conversation between the editor and a reporter when I realized that I could write that article first and send to the editor before that reporter. I knew I would be stealing his story but I had to be a reporter and I was tired of researching stories for other journalists. The article was about a car thief and it wasn't easy. I did a lot of research and talked to a lot of people while I wrote that article. Perry was so stunned that such a young, inexperienced reporter could write such a good article. Because of my article, Perry promoted me to a reporter. At first he gave me easy pieces but I was determined to accomplish difficult things.
My life changed a lot in only a single day. A reporter named Claude arrived at the Planet. He was a cute Frenchman. I got a crush on him. I was still the newest reporter and he was very experienced. He wrote a lot of great articles and Perry was very happy with him and his work. Well, Claude didn't look at me twice and I began to think I had a problem, first Paul and now Claude. Maybe I wasn't good-looking or attractive enough for men to like me. I worked even hard, thinking that maybe if I wrote something really great Claude would like me the way I liked him. One day when I had just landed a great scoop when Claude asked me out. I was shocked when he did that but of course I said yes.
Claude took me to a fancy dinner and he said he was in love with me. When the dinner was over he walked me home. I was nervous because I never had a date like that and I knew he wanted to be with me for a little while longer. I invited him in for a cup of coffee. We talked a lot and he asked me about the story I was working and I told him all the details of my scoop. He began to kiss me and say how much he loved me. I thought I was in love with him too. When I realized things were getting hot I asked him to stop and he said I shouldn't worry and I should just trust him. He asked me if I was in love with him and I said yes. Then he said if I was in love I had to prove it and make love with him. I let him take me to my bedroom and the next morning when I woke up he was gone… and so was my story. He wrote up all the things I had told him and then he even won an award for *my* story! I was so humiliated because I had wasted my first time on a man who only wanted to steal my story. I thought he loved me and wanted me but he only wanted my story. The worst part was that he told everyone at the Planet that he slept with me and that I was really bad in bed. I was the main source of gossip in the newsroom for a long time.
I tried to talk to Perry but he said he couldn't do anything. After a few days he fired Claude. He was my third and worst "federal disaster". After that day I swore I would never let it happen again. I would live by three rules: I would never get involved with my stories. I would never let anyone else get there first. And I would never sleep with people I work with.
I had became a cold and hard person but an excellent reporter. I won three Kerth Awards but I was still alone. I wasn't happy being lonely but I didn't want to get hurt again. It was hard to come to an empty apartment. I buried myself in work and tried to not think about how lonely I was at home. The only things I did at home were to eat chocolate ice-cream and watch romantic soap operas. I tried to hide my softness from the people I worked with because I thought they would think I was weak. Weakness was dangerous because they might want to hurt me. To protect myself, I built a wall around my heart, a wall that no-one could destroy, a wall that would keep me safe.
My life wasn't so bad after those disasters. I was the top reporter of the Planet and wasn't a scared little girl anymore. I had proved to everyone that Lois Lane was the best reporter they would ever know. Perry was especially proud of me.
One day Perry introduced a new reporter named Clark Kent. I didn't pay any attention to him. He was a hack from Nowheresville, Mr. Greenjeans. I was furious when Perry assigned him to work with me on the Messenger story. I let it be clear that he was the low man and I was the top banana and that he shouldn't fall for me because I didn't have time for it.
Clark awakened some interest from Cat Grant, the columnist gossip. Of course she was the easiest woman in the newsroom; there was no-one who Catwoman wouldn't take to her bedroom. Clark was just another notch on her garter belt. He wasn't bad-looking, that's for sure but he wasn't a Superman either. When we get trapped during our Messenger investigation, Clark was the one who helped to get us out of trouble. I was thankful he saved me but I embarrassed myself by confessing to him about Claude when I thought we were going to die. I was afraid he would humiliate me by telling the whole newsroom just like Claude had embarrassed me. He told me that my secret was safe with him and asked me to believe him. Well, I had heard *that* before and I knew where it would lead me.
I hid myself in the Messenger because I wanted to be the first and only reporter on that mission. It would be a great scoop. I thought it could change my career and maybe I could win a Pulitzer but instead I got something better: I met a god in a cape. He had eaten a bomb and prevented it from destroying the Messenger; then he even flew the spaceship into space. I couldn't believe I saw a man who could eat bombs and fly but I had seen him with my own eyes. I never thought it was the beginning of a huge change in my life.
After his help with the Messenger, he flew me back to the Daily Planet. I could feel a weird connection with him. He was really the most beautiful male I'd ever seen in my whole life but he wasn't human, he couldn't be human. I was stunned and a little dizzy when he put me on the ground; I almost couldn't take my eyes away from him. When Cat asked me who he was I said Super…Superman. I created Superman but I didn't even realize this until some years later.
Clark and I become partners after awhile and Superman was always the biggest story in Metropolis. I had a huge crush on him. I knew he couldn't hurt me because I knew that he was beyond my reach. Maybe I chose to love him because he was safe. He was a fantasy.
While my crush on Superman thrived, my friendship with Clark was getting stronger. He was so caring and protective and his talent helped me improve. I didn't think as him as a farmboy any longer. He was really my friend. Clark was the only person I could work with. He was competitive, a little stubborn too, but he was gentle, kind and funny.
I don't know when my feelings for Clark started to change. I think we shared a lot of great times but I don't know when I started to feel the same connection with him that I felt with Superman. I didn't know why at that time.
Towards the end of 1993 the Planet accidentally burned down; well, it wasn't an accident but we didn't knew that at the time. I was dating Lex Luthor, the third richest man in the world. He had bought the Planet before its destruction and he said he bought it for me. At the same time he asked me to marry him. I wasn't really in love with him but he liked me and I was really thrilled about that. I didn't say yes at first because I had to talk to Superman. I was in love with Superman and I had to know if there was a chance to be with him. Before I talked to him, Clark came to me and said he was in love with me. I really got confused because I liked him as a friend but nothing more. He looked sad and disappointed when I rejected him, the same way I looked when Superman rejected me later the same day.
Because of Superman's rejection, I accepted Luthor's proposal but I would soon learn that this was a big mistake.
On the other hand, Clark and I were growing farther and farther apart. I didn't know why Clark hated Lex so much. Clark said I was getting in bed with the devil. I thought he was jealous because I agreed to marry Lex and not him. I wanted to still be his partner but he didn't want to work for Lex at LNN. While I was getting ready for my wedding, Clark, Perry, Jimmy and Jack were trying to find who was behind the destruction of the Planet, but I felt like they had abandoned me.
On my wedding day, I was in front of the mirror getting ready when a strange thought came to me. I was trying to see how my name would be after my wedding when I came up with Lois Lane Kent. It was the first time I realized a change in my feelings for Clark. I was crying and miserable. My mom said I could still stop the wedding but I thought it was too late.
While I was walking down the aisle I was thinking about Clark instead of my husband-to-be. Flashes of the moments I spent with him were floating in my mind. I knew something was wrong because I was getting married to one man and thinking about another one. When the Archbishop asked me if I would take Lex as my husband, I hesitated. After a moment, I said that I couldn't. At the same time Perry and the police arrived in the middle of the ceremony and announced that Lex was behind the destruction of the Planet. I was shocked. I watched, tears coming to my eyes, as Lex ran from the police.
Still crying, I was escorted outside where I frantically looked for Clark. When I saw him I hugged him as if my life were depending that hug. He was there to comfort me as he always did. Meanwhile Lex was trying to escape from the police and when he saw he didn't have a chance, he chose death instead. He jumped from the top of the building and died on impact. I remember burying my face into Clark's chest while he hugged me. It was the end of my fourth "federal disaster".
The Planet was bought by Mr. Stern and he rebuilt the building. Meanwhile I tried to tell Clark that maybe I had feelings for him too but he took back what he had said to me when he proposed. He said that he told me he loved me because he didn't want to see me married to Lex. He wanted us to be friends again and I agreed with him.
After that Luthor fiasco I was convinced that I couldn't have a relationship. My job was the only thing that kept me safe. At least I had my life back to normal. I had my career, my friends and I had Clark.
I held onto my crush on Superman. He was my safety net. I knew he was beyond my reach but I still dreamed about him. I still felt a connection to him.
Clark and I were best friends now. After everything I gone through, he was my strength to carry on. Sometimes I had feelings for him that were beyond mere friendship but I couldn't risk a romance with him and lose what we had. Our friendship had to be enough.
When Christmas came I was miserable because I never liked that time of the year. Everywhere I went I saw ribbons and wreathes and mistletoe and trees and Santas and elves and Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer all saying "You must love Christmas, you must love Christmas, you must love Christmas." To me, Christmas was simply too commercialized.
Clark, on the other hand, loved Christmas and he was trying to make me see it through his eyes. He made me buy a tree and helped me decorate it. I was trying to do my best to enjoy the holiday, so I made a huge Christmas dinner. I knew Perry, Jimmy and Clark couldn't come but I did it anyway. I knew Superman was busy too. I was a little teary- eyed when I was all dressed for a party that no-one would attend when Clark came and said his plane had gotten snowed in. I knew it was a excuse because it wasn't snowing at that time. It was so sweet and kind of Clark to give up his traditional holiday with his family just to be there with me. He even gave me a gift, a star to put on the top of the Christmas tree, even though he said it was from Superman. After I placed the star on the tree, I took Clark's hand. I didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing it but that seemed right at the time. Again I felt that connection and I saw in his eyes that he felt the same way. We went toward the window to listen to the carolers below and we were still holding hands. It was the best Christmas I think I'd ever had.
Clark and I went through a lot of things after Christmas. One thing was bothering me: Mayson Drake. She was a lawyer who was interested in Clark. I knew that my feelings for Clark were stronger that I thought because I was jealous of him with that woman. I didn't liked her. I thought Clark liked her but then he asked me out. At first I was shocked and afraid. I didn't want to ruin our friendship. It could be hard if things went wrong but Clark assured me that no matter what happened we would still be friends.
Several days went by before we finally went on that date. It was a great date. Clark and I talked a lot about things we never had talked about before. I told him about my fight with my dad and why I became a reporter. Clark, of course, he had been a good boy all his life. He never had a big fight with his parents. When he walked me home I was nervous because I knew that, like always, the date had gone well, meaning that disaster was sure to follow. So, I totally chickened out and slammed the door on his face. It was a big mistake but I didn't know what to do if I had allowed him to kiss me and I knew it would happen if he stayed any longer.
The next day I went to talk to Perry and asked him for a new partner. He thought our date went terribly and I said that the problem was that we had a great date and that I didn't know what to do next. He said everything would be fine. Somehow, that was not reassuring.
I was so stupid because all day long I tried to force Clark on Mayson just because I was afraid to talk to him about our date. I tried to keep myself busy with my investigation into Lucky Leon but I just put Clark, Jimmy and myself in danger. When Clark had to take us away from the nuclear bomb Lucky Leon had set, I started to run away but Clark wasn't behind me. I went back to the place and found Superman there. I was looking for Clark; I couldn't just leave him there. Superman caught the bad guys and stopped the bomb.
Back to the Planet we told Perry what had happened and Clark said he had gotten lost in the darkness. We knew we had to go to give a statement to Mayson about what we saw but we were late. When we were walking, Clark had asked me why I had come back to him into the factory where there was a nuclear bomb. I had said I didn't know, but I just couldn't leave him there. He mentioned my slamming the door in his face that other night and I said that had been a huge mistake. I don't know, but then we kissed — our first real kiss. It was a gentle and caring kiss in the beginning but it quickly turned passionate. I never before felt the way I felt when Clark kissed me. My heart was beating so fast, my mind was blocked. I just felt his lips on mine and listened to his little sounds of enjoyment. It was like a dream. I was just floating. It's as if I was flying but even better than that. It felt like I was coming home.
Our kiss ended abruptly when he had to rescue Mayson from her exploding car. Mayson had died in his arms that night. This had been the best moment of our lives but it was ruined because of a stupid car bomber.
After Mayson's death things between Clark and I weren't the same. He wouldn't talk about our date and our kiss. I knew he was upset because of what had happened with Mayson but I didn't understand why he wouldn't talk to me. At the same time, a DEA Agent named Dan Scardino showed up. He was cute and Clark seemed jealous of him.
I let things calm down a little and I went to talk to Clark. I had to know if we could have a relationship or not. I just had to know about his feelings for me and I was ready to talk about my feelings for him too. Every time I tried to talk to him he pulled one of his disappearing acts. He always came up with silly excuses like having to return a tape. I was sick of that. I thought he liked me and respected me but he kept running away every time I had something serious to say to him.
Agent Scardino had been trying to date me since Mayson's death and with Clark's behaviour I didn't feel like I had an option. I started to date Dan, which made Clark really furious. I didn't like Dan the way I liked Clark but what else could I do?
Later on, with the help of a psychologist, I made my mind and decided to choose Clark. She made me realize that Superman was a fantasy and that Dan wasn't really the problem because I just was going out with him to provoke Clark. I knew Clark was afraid of the same thing I was but I also knew that I was in love with him despite his disappearing acts and I decided to make him take the next step with me, not away from me.
I told Superman that I just wanted to be his friend and I told Dan that I couldn't go out with him anymore and at last I went to Clark's apartment to talk to him. To my surprise, Clark was packing his things to move away. At first I was angry because he was leaving without saying goodbye but I remembered what the psychologist said to me and I decided to be the first to say the scary words. I told him that we were fighting about silly things and all because we were trying to hide from each other and that I was sick of that and that the only reason to hide was because we were scared of the fact that we were partners, and best friends and… and I kissed him. Finally we decided to take the next step together.
The next step wasn't easy because Clark continued his disappearing act and I was getting frustrated. When his parents were kidnapped, Clark told me the kidnapper wanted to see me dead, then he would let Clark's parents go. I had a plan, so I asked Clark to have Superman come to my apartment. Superman came and I asked him to freeze me so that the kidnapper would think I was dead and Superman could unfreeze me with his x-ray vision when Clark's parents were in a safe place. Superman didn't agree with me at first but I said that he didn't see how Clark was and I needed his help to save Clark's parents. Finally he agreed to help me. I told Superman to tell Clark that I loved him if something happened and he said Clark knew but he would tell him. Before he froze me, Superman touched my face in a familiar way. Suddenly, I realized what that nagging feeling had been in me for the last two years. In moments, however, I was frozen. The plan worked and everything seemed to be fine again or maybe not.
Later that evening, Clark and I went for a walk in the park. I'll never forget what Clark said. "Sometimes, you think you're immortal and you start to think the people around you are too. It just takes a second to realize how wrong you are.about everything. What I'm trying to say, Lois, is I almost lost you and I feel ashamed. I kept pushing you away even when I promised I'd stop. If you died without ever knowing why, I'd never be able to forgive myself. Because I love you." With that, he directed me to sit on the edge of the fountain. With a clap of thunder, rain began to pour, causing Clark to thrust his eyes to the sky, as we got soaked. "Ah, come on. Give me a break." Clark yelled, causing me to laugh and ask if he wanted to go back. "If the earth opened up at my feet, I wouldn't move till I'd said this. Lois, will you marry me?"
"Who's asking? Clark or Superman?" I demanded, astonishing Clark into silence for a moment.
Clark looked at me for a moment and simply asked me how long I had known. "Since yesterday," came my simple reply, "When you did this," I added as I lifted my hand to his cheek. I told him that everything must have heightened my senses, clearing my mind, 'like putting on a pair of glasses.'
I couldn't forgive him at that time. He had lied to me for so long. At first I was in love with Superman and later I was in love with Clark. They were the same person and I never knew. Looking back at all those times when I thought I was in love with two different men and I had to choose one, it was always just one man. All those times Clark had come with a excuse for his disappearances…Superman was taking care of some emergency; Clark was never abandoning me purposely. And the time I thought Clark was dead — he wasn't, of course; he was Superman, he couldn't die from a gunshot. Superman and Clark's kisses…just one man. Clark's perspective and Superman's…the same. The way they both made me feel…the connection between us. There weren't three of us; there were always two. How was I so galactically stupid? Of course Clark was Superman! Now the confusion really hit. Clark was Superman! I loved Clark. But could I marry him? He had lied to me for two years…but he'd lied to me. I wasn't even sure what to call him.
"I'm still Clark," he reassured in his Superman suit. "Here, I'll remind you," he said and pulled the small box containing the engagement ring and opened it.
"NO. I mean, not yet," I answered tearfully. "I just need time to think about all this," I answered, causing Clark to grow angry and fly off.
Our relationship turned a bit stormy. He said he didn't tell me his secret because he wanted me to love him as Clark and not Superman. Thinking about it, of course it made sense; when Superman arrived in Metropolis, my crush on Superman was obvious but I didn't even like Clark at the time. When I was contemplating marriage to Luthor, I rejected Clark even when I told Superman that I'd love him even if he was an ordinary guy. How could he believe me when I had just rejected him as an ordinary guy? I *didn't* look at the man underneath the suit. I had a lot to understand but he said he would wait for me.
Our relationship turned even worse when he decided that Superman was the cause of my danger and so he broke up with me for my own good. I was devastated. It doesn't matter how involved you are with a person — you can't live someone else's life for them, but Clark was doing just that. When he realized how stupid he was being and tried to win me back, I told him he had broken my heart and that I wouldn't survive that again. I still loved him but he'd hurt me almost beyond repair.
After some difficult times, we finally made up but we agree not to use the M-word again because that was making us both nuts. We would just love each other.
Clark was more comfortable with me. I just loved being with him and even though his Super activities kept him pretty busy. I had to learn to share him with the whole world. I gained a solid understanding of the hardships of saving the world when his powers were transferred to me, thanks to two crazy women, and I became UltraWoman. I finally understood that the hardest thing about being Super is all the things he couldn't do — all the cries for help that he couldn't answer — how that quietly tears you apart. But it never stopped him. After experiencing his life for a few days, I loved him more than I ever thought possible, more than I knew I could love anyone. I asked him to marry me.
Marriage was a serious undertaking, especially for a woman like me. I never thought it would happen to me. I had three failed relationships but I knew Clark was different. He never used me like the others. He never tried to change me like Lex or disrespect me like Paul and Claude. Of course I still feared marriage, just because I saw how terrible my parents' relationship was and still is. They had loved each other once but that love vanished. Clark said we were different — that I wasn't my mother, that he wasn't my father and that's why we wouldn't make the same mistakes. Somehow, I believed him.
When we married I knew it meant the end of my "federal disasters" and the beginning of a new life. Though we had been forced to overcome clone makers, my loss of memory, Clark traveling to New Krypton, and a crazy woman who shrunk people to get revenge, we finally got married. And I wouldn't change a thing because all the problems proved to us how strong and real our love actually is — how much we were meant to be. Even when Clark and I knew we couldn't have children together we didn't give up. Clark said that a child is brought about by love and I think you, Louise Lane Kent, are the proof that Clark was right.
I never thought how much my life would change when I met Clark but looking back at my life right now I can say how much he changed my entire life and how much he changed me. Before Clark Kent, I was an incomplete person, a lonely soul, an empty bottle but after Clark Kent I'm a complete and better person. Most of all, I found in him my soulmate, my strength and my love. He taught me how to love and how to live a better life. He made me trust in someone else and trust that the world can be a better place if we believe it. If I didn't have Clark in my life I wouldn't have a life at all.
Dear Louise, I just want to see you happy. I don't want to see you making the same mistakes that I did before Clark and that's why I decided to write this letter for you. Love isn't a thing to find; it finds you. Clark is the love who found me and you are the confirmation of that love.
I'll finish with something your dad taught me: "The world can be crazy but there is still a reason to trust, to love and to live."
Clark and I love you so much.
Your loving mother,