By Richard Frantz Jr. <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Submitted: January 2002
Summary: Clark decides it is time to tell Lois his secret, but she has a revelation for him instead.
Comments welcomed. <email@example.com>
[Disclaimer: Clark Kent, Lois Lane, etc, are not my property and are used solely for noncommercial purposes.]
Lois and Clark were eating Chinese take-out in Lois' apartment after a hard day chasing interviews with people who didn't want to talk and stories that didn't want to be published. Clark had seemed preoccupied for the last several days, as though he was trying to make up his mind about something.
Clark set down the carton of sweet and sour chicken he'd been considering, took a deep breath, looked at Lois and began speaking. "Lois, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. I just couldn't find a good way to break it to you. I think you may be upset that I didn't tell you sooner…but I hope that at least you'll give me credit for having told you at last-"
Lois interrupted, "Can I have the last shrimp toast?"
"Sure," said Clark, passing her the foil tray. "Lois, I'm Superman."
"I know. Yum! I love shrimp toast! Could you pass me the fried wontons?"
"Lois, I don't think you're listening to me. I'm Superman."
"I'm listening. Wontons?"
"Lois, you either aren't hearing me, you think I'm saying something else, or it just isn't sinking in. I'm Superman."
"I know. You're not listening. This is the third time I've asked you to pass the fried wontons."
Clark picked up the bag of wontons but didn't pass it to her yet. "If you were listening, what did I say?"
"You said you were Superman. I said I knew. And I'm still waiting for the fried wontons." She reached out her hand for the bag. "And before that you said you thought I might be mad that you hadn't told me sooner."
Clark handed her the bag. "You knew?" he asked, sounding hurt.
She nodded, while digging into the bag with her chopsticks. "What did you think, I was galacticly stupid? I know. I knew. Yes."
"For how long?"
"Well, I met you May 28th, you rescued the Colonist Habitation Module space launch June 1st. So I've known since June 1st."
"From the beginning?"
"How come you never told me you knew?"
"Because I didn't want you to know I knew. It's like when I figured out there was no Santa Claus. I found out when I was six. But I didn't admit it until I was ten, after Christmas was over. I liked having both of you. It was like having two boyfriends for the price of one."
"I wonder if anyone else knows?"
"Of course. Think of his position."
"He knows because he's editor of the Daily Planet," said Clark, unconvinced.
"No. He knows because his office is positioned next to the only supply closet with a window."
"He'd hear you leave and finally figured it out."
"Anyone else?" asked Clark.
"Sure. Jimmy knows."
"I'm afraid to ask how he figured it out."
"Computers. He had a program that tracked Superman and you and other people and he noticed that Clark and Superman kept being in the same place but were never seen together. Then he realized you were seen together."
She continued, "Bob in Sports knows. He's a big fitness nut. At first he figured you were too because you were never out of breath and never sweated. But eventually he realized you'd need to be in super human condition to stay that way, and your secret was out."
"Cat knew. She took one look at your abs, one look at Superman's abs in his tight blue suit, and she knew. That's why she kept hitting on you."
"Cat knew about me but never told me she knew?"
"Of course not. She _wanted_ you. She knew that if you knew she knew you'd think she was just after Superman and she wouldn't get to first base. And she wanted to get a lot further than that."
"Does everybody at the Planet know?"
"I think the only other one who knows is Jack. But you probably figured that."
"Well, that pretty much takes care of the Planet. Pass the shrimp fried rice please."
He handed her the carton. "Keeping it secret from people I work with, who are after all excellent reporters, would be difficult. I can't really be surprised that they figured it out."
Lois was staring at him, seemingly aghast.
"Lois? Why are you looking at me that way?"
"I'm…just trying to figure out how to break to you the people NOT at the Planet who know."
"Other people know?"
She nodded sadly. "Yes. You want the list?"
"Sure! Why not! How bad can it be?"
Lois seemed ill at ease with this response but began listing. "Bobby Big-Mouth knows. He hears things after all. He probably heard it from someone at the planet. Henderson knows, he recognizes people by their ears."
"Sure, didn't you know? They're like fingerprints. That's why they make you show an ear in your passport photo."
"Oh, ears huh? Very distinctive ears."
"Er…and my hairstylist recognized you by your hair."
"Well you didn't think slicking back your hair would change anything a professional wouldn't notice? Actually, she said she would just _love_ to get her hands on your hair. I was afraid she would dye it purple or something and give away the secret to everyone so I tried to talk her out of it. That's when she admitted she knew. She still comments that your hair is beautiful every time I see her."
"Hairstylist," he grumbled.
"And remember the time you met Dr. Frosk, my ophthalmologist? He knows. He recognizes people by their eyes. Apparently you have really distinctive eyes."
"Does everyone know my secret? Or my obvious truth as it were?"
"Don't be silly! There are millions of people who have never even _heard_ of Clark Kent. They don't know."
"That doesn't help. Anyone else who does know?" Clark asked plaintively.
"Er, yes. Two more that I know for sure know. I don't think you're going to like these."
"Hit me with it. I won't feel it, I'm already numb."
"O.K. The doorman at the Lexor."
"Really big mysteries fan. Loves Sherlock Holmes. He learned to recognize people by their hands, because that's what he sees all day."
"Sherlock Holmes. I'll remember that. And you said there was one more."
"Bad. It was Lex."
"Lex knew? No way! I refuse to believe he knew and never let me know!"
"He knew, but he figured that if you didn't know he knew then he could distract Superman by keeping Clark busy. Apparently that is why he started to date me. To distract you, Clark, so you would distract Superman. Anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes. You can pass the kung-po chicken." She handed him the carton. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. Feeling O.K?"
"A little depressed," he admitted.
"Maybe this will help," she offered. And she reached over and kissed him on the lips. As always, the rest of the world went away and he felt just super.