By BanAnna <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Submitted: April 2003
Summary: Lois's wedding day doesn't go quite as planned in this tongue-in-cheek response to the Plot Untwist Challenge.
This started out as a simple response to the challenge issued by Hazel on Zoom's mbs. Which was to write something that 'untwisted' the plot of a particular episode, making it null and void, so that the events therein never happened. It's still a response to the challenge, but it sort of ran away with itself and now it's not so simple, but I hope you find it amusing. A big thanks to those who helped me brainstorm some pretty hilarious stuff in IRC, and to Jana and Carol who BRed this for me.
Actually, Carol doesn't deserve a thank you for BRing this for me. She deserves the party to end all thank you parties thrown in her honor. She actually did more research for this fic than I did. Her suggestions, brainstorming, and overall efforts were infinitely helpful. Thanks a million, Carol!!
"Miss Lane? I need you to sign the wedding license. It'll just take a minute." The tall-but imbecilic-man laughed to himself as he set his evil-but ingenious-plan into motion.
Lois Crazier-Than-Normal-Because-It's-Her-Wedding-Day Lane sighed and looked at Clark Stronger-With-Lois-Than-Alone- Even-Though-He's-Superman Kent, expecting him to come with her to follow the strange-but friendly-gentleman, whom they had never seen before, but whom who obviously knew everything there was to know about who had to sign a marriage license and when.
"I already signed," Clark replied to Lois's expectant-but adorable-look.
"Teacher's Pet," she antagonistically-but good-naturedly- teased.
Lois turned to follow the nice gray-haired man with the impeccable marriage license knowledge, when Ellen Now-We- Know-Where-Lois-Got-Her-Craziness Lane put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"Lois, you don't have time for that now! The ceremony is supposed to start in less than thirty minutes, the guests have already started to arrive, and you're not even dressed yet!"
Sam The-Other-Half-Of-Where-Lois-Got-her-Craziness Lane, for once agreed with his wife. "She's right, Princess. You've got to get ready."
Lois looked at her parents, then at her watch. "Oh my gosh! You're right!" A sudden panic washed over her, which was surprising because she was already fairly panic-y.
Martha Ever-The-Voice-Of-Reason Kent spoke up. "Lois, honey, why don't you go get dressed? And Clark, why don't you go get the marriage license and bring it to the dressing room? Ellen and Cindy and I will help Lois, and Jonathan and Sam and Perry and Jimmy can stall the guests if need be."
"Good idea, Martha," Jonathan I-Don't-Usually-Get-Martha's- Subtle-Hints Kent chimed in. Jonathan and Sam headed for the church entrance to greet any extra-punctual guests, while Perry Ordained-By-The-Church-Of-Blue-Suede- Deliverance White and Jimmy So-Excited-To-Be-Clark's-Best- Man-He-Barely-Put-His-Shoes-On-The-Right-Feet Olsen moved to the front of the sanctuary.
Marriage-License-Know-It-All-Guy furrowed his brow when the bride's friends and family members all agreed to the mother of the bride's plans. No! This was all wrong! It wasn't supposed to happen this way! He was supposed to take Lois into the basement of the church and then drug her and kidnap her and take her away to the Swiss Alps to live happily ever after with him, leaving Clark with the frog- eating clone and a serious-but amusing-case of double jeopardy.
"But-" He tried to speak up, but no one was listening and the seconds ticked by. Clark was already pulling him along, asking him to lead the way to the marriage license.
Oh! What was he supposed to do now?
Clark followed the man into the foyer and then almost ran over him when he suddenly-but thoughtfully-stopped in his tracks next to an arrangement of forget-me-nots. The man looked around and scratched his head, seemingly not knowing where he was going. Clark puzzled over this for a moment before deciding to spur the man along.
"Uh, did you forget where to go?"
"What?" Lex said with his disguised voice. "Oh! No. I, uh, uh, it's this way." He pointed toward the basement door. He'd just have to drug and tie up Kent before getting to Lois. No problem, he told himself. Everything is still going to work out. Stay calm. Don't panic.
As soon as the door to the basement was closed, he swung around and landed his fist square into Clark's nose. Clark's nose was made of steel, of course, so the načve-but deranged-man broke two of his fingers on impact.
When the punch landed on Clark's steel-but mind-bogglingly sexy-nose, he swiftly reached up and grabbed the impulsive- but now injured-man by the wrist.
"Who are you?" he demanded to know.
"Me? Who the hell are you?" the man snapped back. "*What* the hell are you?"
Clark was fuming. "I'm a very impatient man waiting for an answer from a guy who just tried to deck me! Now, who *are* you?" Clark squeezed the man's wrist a little harder and then, suddenly, he had a stroke of somewhat delayed-but still super-hero-ish-genius.
Lowering his glasses with his free hand, Clark let his eyes peel back the layers of the villain's skin.
"Luthor!" Clark ripped off the flimsy-but convincing-mask. "You rotten, low life, no good, scum-sucking, wedding- destroying cretin! I should have known you'd try to ruin this day for us. You're going back to prison where you belong."
Luthor rolled his eyes. Kent could be so dramatic.
But he probably had a point. Luthor had been caught because he had panicked and now he would be going back to jail. His life was truly a tragic-but exciting-tale, equaled only by Oedipus Rex. Oh well. One good thing about prison was all of the free time he would have to devise a new-but much more brilliant and devious-plan for getting rid of Kent and Superman, and for making Lois love him.
Clark stood at the altar, looking down the vast-but intriguing-aisle toward the doorway where Lois would soon enter. Perry was behind him, Jimmy was beside him, his friends and family were seated in front of him, and Lois would soon be walking toward him. He wouldn't have had it any other way.
His thoughts drifted to the events of earlier in the bizarre-but surprisingly unsurprising-day.
What had Luthor been thinking? Did he really think he could just snatch Lois with some asinine ploy like 'I need you to sign the marriage license'? Did he think *Superman* wouldn't notice she was gone?! How dumb did Luthor think he was? Unless he thought he could trick everyone into thinking Lois wasn't missing until he could get her out of the city…leave behind one of those clones, maybe?
Clark could barely contain his laughter at the absurd thoughts his mind was taking him through. He really had been under too much stress lately. Lois entered the sanctuary, and Clark shook the abstruse-but preposterous- thoughts out of his head.