By Wanda Detroit <email@example.com>
Submitted: December 2003
Summary: A down and out Wanda Detroit seeks a relationship but finds nothing more than unrequited love. Then one day a man with glasses enters her life.
This is a response to Queen of the Capes' FAVORITE MOVIE CHALLENGE. This is my hands-down, all-time favorite movie; I suggest you rent it. It is based on, you guessed it, "Some Like it Hot" (1959-starring Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis, and Marilyn Monroe)—but I definitely boiled the plot down a lot so as not to add too many extra characters. Some quotes are lifted from the film, or paraphrased. No copyright infringement is intended. It's also based on—Who else? *Me,* Wanda Detroit! Feedback is encouraged! Enjoy!
The name's Detroit. Wanda Detroit. The year? 1929. The story? Just the same.
Turning 25 really makes a girl think. That's a quarter of a century. I'm gearing up for a new tour with the band. An all-girl band this time. It's about time—male bands are nothing but trouble. We're leaving Metropolis and heading to Florida. I have a feeling I might even land me a millionaire!
I had a series of runaround romances. Saxophone players from the male bands I used to sing with, always saxophone players. Something about that rotten instrument makes those men all the same. You fall for 'em, and you really love 'em. And then you wake up one morning and they're gone, leaving behind an old pair of sweat socks and a tube of toothpaste—all squeezed out. Then you pick up the pieces, and once you do, there's always another saxophone player.
Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Things are about to change. I'm going to meet a rich man—with glasses. Ever wonder why a man wears glasses? It's because his eyesight goes bad after reading all of the little tiny columns on the stock page of the Daily Planet!
Things are different after all. There's no threat when it comes to saxophone players. In fact, there's a new girl playing saxophone with us on the tour. Her name's Josephine, and she's just a doll. We've become like sisters. Prohibition can go to hell when Josephine and me are living it up. The bandleader is real strict, and if she caught me with my flask, she'd have me thrown out on the streets. Just me and my poor ukulele in the middle of nowhere.
Florida was just crawling with millionaires. I could not wait to meet one! That afternoon, me and the girls headed to the beach for some fun. I tried to talk Josephine into coming along, but she refused.
You'll never believe what happened next. We were playing ball out in the sand and I missed the catch. Or should I say, I made a catch of my own!
His name was Kent. He seemed so familiar. Like I had known him forever. I tripped over his feet. Wouldn't you know it? He wore glasses. He was reading the fine print on the stock page in the Daily Planet.
I can only describe what happened next as pure animal magnetism. Kent looked into my eyes and I was mush. My knees were weak. I asked—no, begged—him to come see me preform tonight in the band.
With regrets, Kent said, "My darling, I am afraid I cannot make it. I'll be out on my yacht."
A yacht! How about that!
"I will come to shore and pick you up after the show."
I selected my slinkiest gown for the performance. It left little to the imagination. I was sure Kent would love it. I told Josephine all about the date—she was acting real funny about it, but she was excited too. I think she is just jealous. She hasn't found a gentleman friend yet.
When the show ended, Kent picked me up and took me to his yacht. There was such chemistry. I can't begin to tell you what he did to me by just looking me in the eye! But—was he wearing blush? No, I decided, he's just rosy with anticipation. Not being a shy one, I leaned over and boldly pressed my lips to his. Now I know I took him by surprise, but I certainly did not expect the reaction I got.
"I'm afraid I'm unable to appreciate physical love," Kent sighed sadly.
I was distraught. He told me about his one true love—she wore glasses, too. They were kissing by the side of the Grand Canyon, he took one step towards her, she took one step towards him, and—Yep, you guessed it. Off the edge.
"Oh, darling," I cooed. I was moved to help the poor man! Besides, he stirred things inside me that I couldn't explain, and didn't want to. "Please, let me take a stab at it."
I convinced Kent to lay down. I turned on some beautiful music and brought us both some champagne. I lay next to Kent and lowered my lips to his, this time kissing him with greater depth. The poor tortured soul! He couldn't appreciate physical love with anyone… but I was determined to break him. "Did you feel anything?"
"Mmmm… Like my toes were being roasted over a slow flame," Kent replied.
"Good. Relaaaaaaxxx. Don't fight it," I murmured. The next kiss was even better. Well, for me, at least. I kept at it. And then—
Well, it didn't stop at kissing. The greatest accomplishment of my life. I had cured him, and we were dizzy in love. The next morning, Kent cupped my cheek with his palm and kissed me, bid me goodbye, and promised to see me again after the next show.
Back at the hotel I raced to Josephine's room to tell her the news! She wasn't there, so I went to my room. Just then the phone rang. It was my darling!
"Wanda," his voice sounded so sad.
"Kent, darling, I miss you already!"
"Wanda, no," he said. "You don't understand. I have to go. Please, I have to move away—there is this diamond mine in Africa. And a girl. I've an arranged marriage, Wanda."
"Do you love her?" I was crying softly, shaking all over.
"No. Darling, if I could change this, I would—"
He might as well have been a saxophone player. Men are all the same. I slammed down the phone and drank half a bottle of bourbon. It was amazing that I was able to make it onstage at all. I was vaguely aware of Josephine's absence from the bandstand that night. Still, I had bigger things to think about. Namely, Kent, and how he'd wronged me.
I sang a sad love song that night, and could not hold back tears. I wept during the instrumental break. Ashamed, I closed my eyes and hung my head and then, suddenly—
Upon my cheek there was that familiar touch. It was Kent; I knew it without looking. He raised my chin up and kissed me long and hard, in front of all those people! When I opened my eyes—
"JOSEPHINE!" I gasped—The dress, the hair, the makeup… underneath it all, I could see Kent's handsome face. Josephine was Kent, Kent was Josephine! There was no time for discussion—my darling darted across the stage, dodging bullets.
It was a bunch of gangsters! The band hit the floor, and I scrambled for the door. My only hope was to catch Kent before the mob did! I raced out to the pier. Surely there was a way! An abandoned speedboat was tied to the dock so I hopped in, untying the rope. "Kent!" I shrieked. "Over here!"
He heard me, and he was over at the dock in a flash. As soon as he boarded the boat, I put it into gear before the gangsters knew what hit 'em.
"I—I can explain," Kent gasped. "Those mobsters—they were after me. I witnessed them bumping off some guys back in Metropolis—That's why I joined the band, to escape to Florida undercover. I can't believe they found me here."
I was cool, collected. "You don't have to explain."
"But Wanda—I'm a fool and a liar. All that millionaire stuff, that bout of frigidity, the diamond mine—all lies. The yacht wasn't even mine, I borrowed it. You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me."
"I don't care," I answered. I didn't. Really.
"I'm like all those saxophone players you're running away from," Kent explained. "I don't even really wear glasses!"
"Well," I shrugged, "Nobody's perfect."