The Twelve Pains of Christmas

By Alicia U. <>

Rated: G

Submitted: December 2003

Summary: Among her cynical thoughts about Christmas, Lois finds one thing to cheer her up.


Lois Lane walked through the Metropolis streets muttering and grumbling. This was the time of year she hated with a passion. All of the stupid trees, little glowing, flashing, seizure inducing lights on every house, red and green decorations all over the city, huge crowds at every imaginable retail location, even the grocery store. That's right. Christmas.

She wished the world could skip from December sixth to January sixth skipping all the Christmas Bliss. Yuck. It made her want to puke!

It was crass commercialism. The only people who really benefited from the joys of the season were the retailers. But then after Christmas, they had to deal with everyone returning gifts they didn't even want.

Yet society pressured her to have a traditional Christmas. Why?

To satisfy her parents? Yeah right. Her father was god knows where with his latest floozy de jour. Her mother was somewhere drowning her sorrows, probably on a beach in Maui or something, and her sister was spending the holiday with her latest boyfriend.

Lois was alone, yet the world still expected her to get into the Christmas spirit. It was everywhere. On the streets of Metropolis, she was accosted by the sights and sounds of the season. It was completely shoved in her face wherever she went. Even in her apartment building, so many doors were covered by seasonal decorations and flashing lights covered all the windows.


And the one place where she had always felt sanctity, the Daily Planet newsroom, had somehow dropped its secular nature and had surrendered to the joy of the season.

Why? Lois could only blame one person: Clark Kent.

Why was he so excited about Christmas? It wasn't like he was some five year old excited to open his presents from Santa Claus on Christmas morning.

Although, knowing her idealistic partner, he might still believe in Santa Claus.

Everywhere she turned it was another reminder of the holiday season. Pressure. It was like everyone expected her to do the traditional Christmas thing, like she was weird because she didn't want to do it, that she didn't take pleasure in setting up a stupid tree.

What a pain! She hated looking for a tree, and, even worse, she was allergic to the needles!

Did it really have to be an evergreen? What was the big deal? Couldn't she get a little cactus plant or something? At least those were easy to take care of and didn't shed stupid, prickly leave-like things.

Christmas was nothing but a pain, and the first thing she had to think of was finding a Christmas tree.

"I hate Christmas!" she exclaimed for anyone who was listening.

A small group of people surrounding her turned around, seemingly silently pleading, 'Me too!'

Lois looked from person to person, trying to guess their reasons for hating the season. She knew that at least right now, her biggest gripe was the stupid Christmas tree that she didn't even want!

Her gaze fell onto a tall, bald, red-faced man carrying a bag from Home Depot. Aah, Lois knew that look well. He was another casualty of rigging up the stupid lights! When one bulb went out, they all went out. That was something Lois was glad she never had to do. Getting a tree was more than enough work. She was sure no one would expect her to light up her door and window, let alone the tree! There was no magic of the holiday season in that situation! Who were the advertising executives trying to fool?

Those lights were an eyesore, plain and simple. Whoever invented Christmas lights deserved to be strung on a Christmas tree!

She spotted another man, obviously slightly inebriated. "Hangovers," she muttered under her breath, remembering her favorite holiday past time. If the world only knew that she spent more money on holiday alcohol than holiday presents.

Another thing that bothered Lois about the holiday season was sending stupid cards to people she didn't even like. But it was expected. If her mother's third cousin Marla didn't get her form card with a little puppy and a Santa hat, Lois was sure to hear about it. It didn't matter that Lois had never even talked to the woman; she still got a card every year. What a waste of a perfectly good stamp!

As Lois walked towards the Daily Planet building, she noticed all the people on her way that seemed just as disgusted as she did! So it wasn't a weird thing to hate the whole Christmas season. It was more stress than it was worth.

When she stepped into the elevator, she groaned as she was greeted by the lovely tones of holiday music. Why did she know the tune so well? Why was it stuck in her head?

She wanted to scream.

Now she was humming the tune to "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Before she slapped herself on the head, she started to add new words to go along with her mood.

"The first thing at Christmas that is such a pain to me is finding a Christmas tree!"

There, that made her feel so much better. Okay, her good mood was sort of crushed a little when she saw Clark dressed up as Santa Claus … Stupid charity Santas. Why didn't real people just donate throughout the year like she did?

Oh well, at least she wasn't alone in her dislike of the magical season Clark seemed to see. He would be out of his brainwashed state by the new year. And, hey, that was two weeks she didn't really need to spend with him!

What a bonus!

But he was coming towards her. AAAAAH! She didn't want to deal with his disgusting Christmas cheer! Not right now!

"Merry Christmas, Lois!" he exclaimed as he handed her a candy cane.

"I hate candy canes!" But, as much as she hated to say it, Clark did look almost, dare she say, good in that suit! Maybe there was something good about Christmas after all.


This story was written to satisfy LabRat's 'Christmas Carol' challenge and is based on the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas" from the album "Bob Rivers Comedy Corp: Twisted Christmas". Lyrics can be found at