By Nancy V. Sont aka Tipiwoman <nancyvsont@superaje.com>
Rated: G
Submitted: October 2004
Summary: Lois and Clark act like a couple of teasing, flirtatious teens in this short vignette.
This challenge response vignette required incorporating an unusual pet trick, Clark's impersonation of one of the Marx brothers, a really wacky off-the-wall title, a strange use for cottage cheese, a FoLC cameo, a Dr. Suess reference, Jimmy saying "The duck flies at midnight", a potato, a person in a toga and either a Tank Ending or an ending where everyone bursts into song. To this I add, she doesn't know his secret and they're just best friends.
Email nancyvsont@superaje.com with comments or reactions!
***
Clark Kent lay on his couch, juggling three potatoes above him. The potatoes looked more like a circle than three distinct potatoes, though. Perhaps it was because of the rate at which they were traveling. The potato circle continued smoothly as Clark got an idea. Aiming at the top of the circle, he shot a ray of heat for a moment. Faster than the potatoes could fall, he dashed to the kitchen and returned with a bowl. The potatoes hadn't noticed his absence. Clark allowed them to slow and to drop one at a time into the bowl. The steaming potatoes were obviously cooked just right. Clark sat up and looked at his handiwork.
Now there was something he hadn't done before. He inspected each potato. They were cooked to perfection. What a great new game. He wished Lois could have seen him do it. He was rather proud of himself actually. It wasn't everyone that could cook potatoes that way, after all.
He got up and sauntered across to the kitchen, pulled the refrigerator door open and looked around. Yes. Butter and sour cream. How about cottage cheese? He'd tried it in scrambled eggs before. Humm. He closed the fridge. Salt. Pepper.
He seated himself at his neatly set, table-for-one and spooned the potatoes onto a plate. Not bad. But speaking of eggs…He got up and returned to the fridge, retrieving three eggs. Perhaps he'd work on these in the kitchen, over the sink.
He tossed one up in the air, then the second as the first one was returning to him and then the third. Soon he had a whirlwind of eggs spinning in front of him. He'd have to be careful this time. Eggs could explode. He shot a faint ray of heat at the top egg, wondering if exploding eggs would cover his entire kitchen and entranceway. He could feel the temperature of the cooking eggs as they fell repeatedly into his hands. Almost done.
A knock came at the door as it opened. Lois glanced at the sight in front of her just before three eggs exploded all over the apartment. "Shoot!" Clark said, realizing there weren't any eggs to catch.
"What are you doing, Clark?" she asked in amazement.
"Uh, Juggling?"
She raised one eyebrow. "I see. With eggs?" Her eyes surveyed the yellow and white confetti that covered the floor at the base of the stairs. She stepped down the several stairs and bent over to pick up a bit of hard boiled egg. "Hard boiled eggs? Ouch, it's hot! How'd they explode?"
She tossed it to Clark for inspection. He shrugged with a cockeyed grin on his face.
"Well Kent, you're never boring, that's for sure." She stepped gingerly between the bits of mess on the floor. "I brought Star Wars and the new Dr. Seuss movie release, Green Eggs and Ham. Just in the nick of time I see!"
Clark surveyed his mess and sighed. "Hi Lois. Won't you come in please?" He grinned at her as she came over. "I was just having some mashed potatoes and almost hard boiled eggs. Would you like to join me for some potatoes?"
"Do you juggle with your food often?" She looked at him teasingly.
"Only when I'm alone. My parents always taught me not to play with my food."
"Smart parents!"
"Don't you wait till the door is answered anymore?"
She looked up at the door to his apartment. "Only sometimes." She grinned at him. "I knew you were home, I could smell the food."
He waved at the mess in his kitchen. "I'd better clean this up. So do you want some potatoes?"
She looked at the bowl of potatoes on the table. They were speckled with yellow and white egg bits as well as small pieces of eggshells.
"Uh, let me think…potatoes with eggshells? No, I think I'll pass."
Clark sighed as he looked into the bowl and at his plate, now covered with the same topping. "I understand."
He pulled out the broom and began sweeping at normal speed. This mess was going to take a long time to clean up at regular speed. Lois turned away and tiptoed through the room to the living room to the VCR. Clark looked up at the ceiling and around at the walls. Making sure she had her back to him, he glanced up at the ceiling overhead and sucked gently. The egg pieces all fell to the floor, littering the table and counter. He began the laborious task of sweeping up the mess; that is, until he saw Lois seated on the couch out of sight of most of the kitchen. He broke into high speed, zipped around and returned his kitchen to normal, picking the shells out of the egg that had exploded onto the potatoes.
He carried his plate to the living room and seated himself cross- legged on the couch, a few feet from Lois. The movie was beginning. As he finished his scant meal, he glanced over at her. She was wearing a trench coat. "Are you cold?"
"Uh, no, Clark. I just…" she pulled her coat around her a bit tighter and pretended to love the feel of it. "I like wearing my coat."
"It's summer, Lois. It's actually quite a warm night. Are you sure you're not feeling sick?" He scooted over to her and put his wrist against her forehead.
She pulled away. "I'm fine, Clark."
He eyed her curiously. "Whatever you say, Lois. Whatever you say."
She smiled awkwardly and turned back to the show.
By the time the credits of the second movie were rolling by, Lois's coat had fallen open, revealing one bare leg. Clark couldn't help but notice.
"Lois, what do you have on under that coat?"
She pulled the delinquent flap back over to cross her knees. "Clark!" She looked sternly at him.
"I was just wondering. It didn't look like you had too much on." He nodded at her leg.
"Well, just keep your eyes to yourself, Kent."
His suspicions were aroused. "Lois, what's up? Where were you before you came over here?"
"What?" She turned hesitantly towards him.
"Where were you before you came over here?"
"I…uh…I was just at the video store."
"Before that."
Realizing the gig was up, she turned to him and paused the movie. "Clark. Jimmy phoned me, leaving some cryptic message…'The duck flies at midnight.' You know, 'The Duck Flies,' right? That new nightclub on 33rd?"
He nodded, his eyebrows together. "Yeah, the one where you have to come wearing some sort of Roman attire?"
"Yeah. That one."
"And?"
"Well, Jimmy found out that there's going to be something going down at midnight. I think it's the drug dealers we've been watching. So I was going to go by and check it out when I leave here."
"Alone?"
"Well, sure. I guess you could come along if you wanted. The music may be pretty good."
"I may come if I want?" He raised his eyebrows. "Of course, I'll come. You can't…" he stopped himself, knowing her reaction if he tried to keep her from danger. "…Let me miss all the fun!" He winked at her.
"What should I wear? It's supposed to be a Roman attire only sort of place. What a weird dress code."
She smiled. "I'm glad you asked. I brought something along for you." She pulled a piece of white material out of her bag and handed it to him.
"What's this?"
"A toga."
He held it up. "This is a dress!"
"No, Clark! It's a toga." She pulled a leafy circle out of her bag and dropped it on his lap.
"You've got to be kidding!" He demanded holding the small garment up by the part that goes over a shoulder and eyeing the headband.
"Come on Clark! It'll be fun!"
"Lois, I…" He shook his head.
"Claaark!" She stood up and dropped her coat to the couch, revealing a white dress whose hem was cut in a large 'V' up to the top of her thigh. The shoulder above it was bare while the other shoulder boasted a thickness of gathered fabric. A garland of flowers lined the slanted top of the toga.
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Lois?"
"Claaark!" she retorted with a smile, pulling a circle of flowers down over the top of her silky brown hair.
"Is this what people wear there?"
She nodded. "Go change."
He looked at the piece of fabric dangling from his hand as if it had been sprayed by a skunk. "Are you sure about this Lois?"
"You could wear a trench coat over it until we get there."
"And when we're there?"
"Just pretend we're at the beach. You'll be overdressed!" Her eyes twinkled.
"Very funny."
Clark stood up with the toga and accessory, and headed to his bedroom to change, then stood in front of his mirror surveying the damage. It didn't look that bad, actually, he had to admit.
Lois caught her breath as she saw Clark return. His bare arms and shoulder revealed finely toned muscles, as did his bare outer thigh. Part of his muscular chest was revealed as well. A slow whistle escaped her lips as he came back to the living room. The garland of leaves certainly made him look like a Roman god! Well, the whole outfit did.
"Lois, cut it out!" His face reddened and he headed to his closet for his trench coat. "You're sure about this?"
"You look amazing, Clark!"
He turned away, and pulled the trench coat off the hanger, then shrugged into it.
"You look pretty amazing, yourself." His voice sounded a bit deeper than normal. He pushed his fists into the deep pockets, feeling like an underdressed fool. He couldn't go out in public looking like this. 'You wear more revealing stuff as Superman!' His conscience was nagging him. Not only would he be skimpily dressed, but also he wouldn't have the suit on, in case Superman needed to show up at the scene.
"Do you have any sandals, Clark? You can't wear regular shoes, you know."
"Oh." Clark muttered, going back to his closet and looking through the neat line of shoes on the floor.
"How are these?" He carried a pair of brown leather sandals back to the couch for her inspection.
"Perfect."
Her footwear was similar, he noticed, uncomfortable about looking at her. "Clark, it's not that bad!"
He raised his eyebrows at her. "Lois…it is. It's bad. Men don't wear dresses."
"Some men do!" she teased.
"Lois! I don't!"
"You look so cute when you're embarrassed. I like the way the leaves bob on your head when you shake it. Anyway, men wear kilts, Clark."
"Those would come down to the knees all around, Lois. I feel like what was left after a dog took a bite out of my side."
She laughed and threw a pillow at him. "You're such a farm boy, Clark!"
"Yes, I am a farm boy. I like being a farm boy." He was beginning to smile as he caught the pillow and tossed it back at her, knocking the leaves off her head. She grabbed another pillow off the couch and aimed it at his head. He ducked and caught it.
"Of course…right now…you don't look like a farmboy!" She giggled, a grin covered her face as she moved away from the pillow heading her way. "You look more like a Greek god!"
He grinned, then adopted the wide-eyed look of Harpo Marx and imitated playing a harp, while teasingly eyeing her hungrily.
The next pillow knocked the harp out of his hands as she retaliated for hearing her comment. Laughter brought them both down to the living room furniture where they looked at each other and exchanged flying pillows. Clark captured three of them and began juggling them, much to Lois's delight. She grabbed for them, but he only tossed them higher while she tried to knock the circle awry. His arms were extended high above his head as he continued to juggle out of her reach.
"Darn you, Kent!" she said, belting a pillow into the circle. Instead of having the desired effect of dashing them all to the floor, the fourth pillow joined the ring. His hands were moving quickly, but he made sure they weren't going 'too' fast. The grin that covered his face as he kept the pillows out of reach was priceless. He turned quickly, maintaining his control over the pillows and juggled them behind his back, turning as she tried to reach behind to grab one out of the ring.
Finally she sank back onto the couch, just watching the display across from her. "Have you considered a career in the circus? I think you really should give it some thought!"
The pillows all landed on her lap, followed by two hands tickling her sides. A cameo fell to the floor as she wriggled out of his reach. He looked down at it as it hit the floor. She scooped and grabbed it, hiding it out of sight.
"What's that, Lois?" he teased. "Now what are you hiding?"
"Nothing."
"Oh yeah?" He reached her hand but she transferred the cameo to the other one, laughing.
"You can't get it Clark, just give up while you can!" She took on a dangerous martial arts stance.
"Ah ha! A challenge. From a mere woman!" His eyes twinkled.
His arm darted up, retrieving the cameo hidden in one fist. Her leg came up and knocked his arm back out of the way. He feigned pain and fell dramatically to the floor; his legs and arms remained straight up in the air.
"Playing dead possum won't help you Clark! Actually you look like bloated road kill at the moment!"
She reached over and retrieved the cameo from his hand. "Ha. You've been foiled again, and by a MERE woman at that!" Amused satisfaction covered her face.
"I could get it if I wanted to!"
"Oh yeah?" She held it above her chest and dropped it down her dress, laughing.
"Or not." He blushed and got up off the floor, but as he did the cameo fell between her feet. He grabbed it and held it high above her head while she jumped up for it.
"I'm taller than you are…I'm taller than you are!" he mocked in a singsong voice.
She grabbed under his arms and tickled. His arms dropped in self protection and the cameo swung out on the chain. She grabbed at it but he was too quick. He'd quickly finger-walked it all back into his hand.
"So what is this anyway?" He looked up at his raised arm as he turned the cameo around in his hand. It contained a picture of himself. He grinned. "What's this, your boyfriend?"
Her martial arts weren't wasted. She flipped him down onto the floor where he landed on his back with a thud.
That didn't deter his laughter as he started up in kindergarten fashion. "Lois has a boyfriend! Lois had a boyfriend!" Then, having more fun that he could remember having with her in a long time he chanted tauntingly, "Lois and Clark sitting in a tree, k- i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes someone in the baby carriage."
She grabbed her bag and chased him to the door. It slammed behind them.
THE END