By Mary Potts <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Submitted: February, 2004
Summary: What do you do when two men plus one Superman can't get the job done? Send in Lois Lane!
This is a little bit of nonsense based on the "candle joke." Maybe you've heard of it? If you haven't, now you have.
Perry White was dog-tired. The journalist convention was still miles away, but he was too tired to drive another inch. He really needed some sleep! Fortunately, there was a small inn just up the road.
Perry parked in front of the inn and went inside. There was a small, bespectacled old man behind the counter.
"May I help you, sir?"
Perry looked at the man from beneath heavy eyelids. "Y'all got a room I can use?"
"Why yes, sir. The room is right up those stairs."
Perry lifted an eyebrow. "You sayin' this place only has one room? Total?"
"Yes, sir. This is a very small establishment."
"Whatever. I'll take it."
"Very good sir. Here's the key. Oh, and it's quite dark up there, so here's a candle."
Perry took the key and candle and climbed the stairs. Sure enough, at the top of the stairs was a door leading into a single room.
The room was scantily furnished and had no access to electricity. Fortunately, it did have indoor plumbing. Perry set his suitcase down and went into the room's small bathroom to change into his pajamas.
Once he'd changed, he set the candle down on the nightstand and climbed into the large four-poster bed. Then, he blew out the candle.
Or at least tried to.
When the flame did not go out, Perry tried blowing harder. Still, nothing happened.
Perry took a deep breath and, mustering all his lungpower, blew as hard as he could at the stubborn flame!
"Aw, heck with it!" Perry said and rolled over to go to sleep.
Jimmy Olsen staggered into the inn. "Excuse me," he said to the old man behind the counter, "but I'm on my way to a convention and my car broke down. Do you have a room I can sleep in?"
"The room is right upstairs. However, there's a man in it."
Jimmy blinked. "This place only has one room?"
"Yes, sir. It's a very small establishment. Would you like the key to the room?"
"But you said there's a guy in it."
"Yes, there is. However, the bed is quite large."
"Okay, fine. I'll take it."
The old man handed Jimmy the key.
Jimmy went upstairs and opened the door. "Um, hello?"
Perry sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Now who in tarnation— ? Jimmy!"
Jimmy smiled. "Chief, it's you! What are you doing here?"
"I was tryin' to get some sleep! What are you doin' here?"
"My car broke down, so I decided to crash here. Is that okay with you?"
Perry rolled back over and pulled the blanket up around his neck. "Fine, but you've got to put out the light."
"Don't call me Chief," Perry muttered, and went back to sleep.
Jimmy set his things down next to Perry's and went into the bathroom to change. Once he changed, he climbed into the bed next to Perry and went to blow out the candle. Nothing happened.
Jimmy blew harder. Still nothing!
Jimmy blew as hard as he could, but still the candle would not go out!
"Dang! Must be a trick candle or something!" Jimmy said and rolled over to go to sleep.
Clark Kent trudged into the inn, dragging his suitcase and silently cursing a certain green, glowing substance. "Hi," he said to the old man behind the counter. "My name is Clark Kent; I'm on my way to a convention. Do you have a room I can stay in?"
"Of course. The room is right upstairs. However, there are two gentlemen already up there."
Clark lifted an eyebrow. "This place only has one room?"
"Yes. This is a very small establishment. The bed should be large enough for all of you, though. Would you like the key?"
Clark shrugged. He'd been through worse today. "Sure, why not."
Clark took the key from the old man, thanked him, and climbed the stairs to the room. He opened the door. "Excuse me, is it all right if I sleep in here with you gentlemen?"
"NOW what?" Perry growled.
Jimmy sat up. "C.K.?"
"Perry? Jimmy? Wow! I didn't think I'd run into you two. Are you traveling to the convention together?"
"Nah, we're going separately. But it's a really weird coincidence that we all ended up here, isn't it? In fact—-"
"JIMMY! Can't you talk about this in the morning? I've got to get some shut-eye!"
Perry pulled the pillow over his head and mumbled something that sounded like "Don't call me Chief."
"So," Clark said, "can I stay here?"
"Sure, C.K., but you've got to put out the light."
"Okay." Clark set his things down next to Jimmy's and Perry's then went into the bathroom to change. Once he was dressed for sleep, he climbed into bed next to his friends and tried to blow out the light.
Clark blew harder. Still nothing.
Clark took a deep breath and blew with all his might. The flame wavered, but the candle still stayed lit. Clark rolled over and pulled the blanket up to his neck.
"Hmmph. Yesterday that would've made a gale," he muttered. "Today, can't even blow out a stupid candle. Lousy Kryptonite."
"What'd you say, C.K.?"
The old man looked up at the woman who'd just entered. Her skirt was torn, her shoe had a busted heel, and her feet were caked in mud. Needless to say, she didn't look very happy.
"Stupid backwoods hick-town and their stupid roads with their stupid pot-holes and those stupid tree-roots sticking up right out of the road and that stupid…"
"May I help you, miss?"
The woman set her suitcases down and leaned on the counter. "Look," she said. "I'm Lois Lane. I'm on my way to an important journalist convention about a hundred miles from here. My jeep is totaled thanks to these deer-infested roads of yours, and I had to walk nearly two miles carrying these heavy bags. Tell me where I can get some sleep!"
The man swallowed. "I'm sorry, miss, but this establishment only has one room, and there are three men currently in it."
"Is there room for one more?"
"Well, yes, but—"
"I'll take it!"
The old man looked taken aback. "Miss, are you serious?"
"Like a heart-attack."
"But—but there are three men…"
"No problem, I packed a nine-iron. Now gimme the key!"
The man handed Lois the key, and she picked up her suitcases and stomped up the stairs. Once in the room, she dropped her suitcases next to all the others and kicked the door closed.
"What in the King's name was that?"
"Who slammed the door?"
"Lois? What are you doing here?"
"Make room, fellas, you've got a new bunk-mate."
Perry sat up and blinked. "Lois, you've got to be kidding!"
Lois glared. "I'm not kidding. I'm tired." She went into the bathroom and changed into a pair of sweats and a cotton shirt. Then, she walked over to the bed. "Jimmy, hand me those two pillows."
Jimmy complied. "What do you need two for?" he asked as she set the pillows on the floor.
"I didn't think you and Clark would want to have to share one."
Clark and Jimmy both sat bold upright. "Hey, wait a minute! You're kicking us out of the bed?"
"Yes! Now move over!"
"Lois, you can't do this! It's not fair!" Clark protested.
"Yeah, Lois! If anything, YOU should sleep on the floor!"
"Look, I've been through a lot, so either you get out of that bed or I'm going to shove a nine-iron up your—"
"Will you all PIPE DOWN!"
The three were instantly silenced when Perry bellowed.
"Now look," Perry continued, "we all need a good night's sleep and nobody here is going to get it if y'all keep arguing. So tell ya what; if Lois puts out the candle, then she can take the bed and the three of us will take the floor. Is it a deal?"
"Deal," Lois said.
Clark and Jimmy grinned. "Deal."
The three watched Lois as she climbed into the bed, licked her forefinger and thumb, and calmly pinched out the light. There were three male groans as the room was plunged into darkness.