Not Again?

By Shayne Terry <>

Rated: G

Submitted: November 2005

Summary: Lois Lane discovers that she's not the only one who suffers the perils of being kidnapped.


Lois Lane had to give her kidnappers points for technique. The blindfold was expertly tied, the ropes were professionally done, and she hadn't even seen them coming. She was becoming a connoisseur of kidnapping techniques, and had idly been considering creating a rating scale for kidnapping expertise.

It wasn't the first time she'd been kidnapped…or the third or sixth. She was becoming wearily certain that it was becoming a trend, something that every new criminal coming into Metropolis had on his or her checklist.

Find a secret lair? Check. Hire idiot henchmen? Check. Kidnap Superman's girlfriend? Check.

Of course, she wasn't really Superman's girlfriend, no matter how many dances they'd had in the clouds. But she was never able to convince anybody of that, especially since she was always at the head of the pack when it came to drooling over him.

And why this never seemed to happen to Clark she'd never know. He was Superman's best friend. He was the one who got the first story on the man, and he even lent him his washing machine from time to time.

It was a conspiracy. They didn't kidnap him because he wasn't a woman. A lot of these guys hadn't been near any women — except for their mothers — in years. They just wanted to have a woman to strut and brag in front of, as though the first thing she was going to do when she got free wasn't to educate them in feminine empowerment, using techniques taught at Dan's Dojo.

Did they really think that if they killed the man she…liked, that she'd go out on a date with them? As a lot, they were a pretty pathetic bunch. She wouldn't have dated a one of them.

Of course, there weren't that many men Lois Lane would have dated even before meeting the man who kept getting her kidnapped. She'd been picky; her standards had been high, because everyone deserves a partner who is a real match for her.

She couldn't help it if her closest match could lift space shuttles and fly. She was a one of a kind woman.

Of course, recently she'd begun to realize that there was someone else special in her life, even if he wasn't all that super. If Superman didn't exist, then Clark would have been a distant second, though he'd have been at the head of the pack compared to the hordes of drooling imbeciles that constituted the Metropolis dating pool.

There was a story on her hard drive right now that talked about the missing link and how he could be found in any Metropolis nightclub at closing time.

She stiffened as she heard the sounds of footsteps and smelled the foul smell of cigarette fumes.

According to the script, the bragging would come next, followed by threats. If they were really ambitious, it might be threats followed by bragging.

She was shocked when she felt hands gently loosening the ropes that kept her tied.

"I'm sorry about this, Ms. Lane. There's been a mistake."

A mistake? That was a first.

"I told my men to kidnap the woman who keeps following aliens. They were supposed to get Dana Scully."

Lois felt the prick of a needle, and she immediately felt sluggish.

"We'll drop you off at home. By the time you wake up, everything will be back to normal."

Following aliens? What did they think she was, some sort of groupie?

This wouldn't have happened to Clark.


Mulder woke up, groggy, feeling confused and tired. Whatever they'd dosed him with had been potent.

This wasn't the first time he'd been kidnapped, or the third or even the sixth. This was the first time, however, that he'd smelled women's perfume when he'd woken up.

"I considered jumping off the ledge myself, but it makes so much more sense to have someone else take the risk…and who better than the Man of Steel's best friend, Clark Kent?"

Mulder sighed. Why this kept happening to him, he'd never know.