By Mary Potts aka Queen of the Capes <email@example.com>
Submitted: October, 2005
Summary: Lois wants Clark to come home and get rid of a big bug in their house. Not for the very squeamish.
It's one o'clock in the morning, and I was kinda bored. Nuff said.
Lois could think of a million things she'd rather be doing than lying on the couch with her feet propped up. Stupid early maternity leave. Was it *her* fault she was pregnant with twins? Well, okay, partly—but that was beside the point! Clark and Perry had *no* right to keep her home like this, and if she could move, she'd show them a thing or two!
With nothing to do, the day crawled by for Lois. The monotony was broken a couple times by Clark calling to check up on her, but things soon became hectic at the Planet, thus putting an end to that reprieve. Lois was seriously considering sinking into self- pity when she heard a knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
The knock repeated.
Lois struggled to sit up. "Hang on! I'm coming!"
The knock became louder and more insistant.
After much work and sweat, Lois managed to achieve a standing-up position. "Hold your horses! I'm coming! I'm coming!" For all the effort she was going to, it had better be the Pope! Lois waddled to the door and opened it.
It must have been at least six feet tall. Lois had heard things about the ones in Florida, but this was ridiculous! She shrieked and jumped—well, wobbled—back, and tried to close the door on it.
The roach reached out with one of its legs and forced the door to stay open. It entered the house, walking on its back legs, its antennae waving chaoticly and its upper sets of legs flailing.
Lois backed into the kitchen. She looked around and, spying a broom leaning against the wall, grabbed it and began hitting the roach over the head.
The roach shook its claws at her, then grabbed the broom handle with its upper legs. Lois scrambled for the cordless phone as the roach snapped her improvised weapon in two. She hastily dialed. The roach wandered around the living room, waving the broom halves in the air and knocking things over as it walked.
"Come on, Clark!" Lois whispered. "Pick up! Pick up!"
"Clark!" Lois' voice came out higher than she'd planned.
"Lois? Are you all right? Is something wrong?"
Lois cleared her throat. "Clark, I need you to come home right now!"
Clark's voice immediately took on a note of concern, bordering on panic. "Lois, what is it?! Are you in labor?!!"
"No…" Lois winced as the roach found its way to their bedroom and began removing the clothes from the closet and throwing them on the floor. "Clark, there's a giant roach in our house!"
She could almost hear his raised eyebrow. "What?"
"Clark, I'm serious! This thing is huge! It's like Godzilla!"
He sighed. "Lois, I know you miss being at work, and I also know that you're not really yourself right now because of the babies, but things are really crazy here right now, and I can't just—"
"Clark, really! You don't understand! This is not an ordinary cockroach!"
"Clark!" Lois had had enough. "I know what you're thinking, but this is not a game! I need you here NOW! If you don't get here in five seconds, then you can look forward to a long time camping out on the couch! So—"
Lois felt a breeze, and turned to see Superman standing behind her, frowning. He opened his mouth, but before he could speak, a crash came from the bathroom. Clark x-rayed the wall, and his jaw dropped. "What on Earth?!"
"See?" Lois said, a little too smugly. "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
Clark turned to her, then back to the chaos in the bathroom, then back to her. "How did that thing get in here?"
Lois shrugged. "It knocked, so I let it in."
Clark's mouth opened and shut. Finally, he just shook his head and went to apprehend the insect that was now racing down the hall with an empty shampoo bottle capping one antenna.
The roach did not want to go quietly. When Clark tried to grab it, the roach socked him in the jaw. Clark reciprocated. It soon turned into an all-out fist fight. Unfortunately for Clark, the bug had twice as many "fists" as he did, and it just wouldn't go down!
Clark leaned on the bannister and tried to catch his breath.
Lois put a hand on his shoulder. "Clark, what are we going to do?"
"Wait a minute…I have an idea!"
"…And that was how I single-handedly rescued Lois Lane, caught the bad-guys for Superman, *and* got the greatest scoop the Daily Planet has ever seen. But I let Lois and Clark have the by-line, just to be nice."
The redhead twirled a strand of hair around her fingers. "Wow, Jimmy! You sure are—"
She was cut off by a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Jimmy called.
"It's me, Jimmy!"
Jimmy got up and went to the door. When he opened it, his jaw hit the carpet. "Whoa. Superman? What brings you here?"
"I need to borrow a can of Raid."
"Um—ah—sure!" Jimmy went to the kitchen and got the can of bug spray out of the cabinet. He handed it to Superman. "Here you go."
"Thanks. I'll bring it right back!"
A whoosh and a blur, and Superman was gone. The redhead grabbed Jimmy's arm. "Oh, like, my goodness! You and Superman really *are* pals!"
The shocked expression on Jimmy's face soon gave way to a grin. "Well, yeah! Like I was saying, Superman and I hang out together all the time! Sometimes he comes over and watches the game…"
Clark flew back home and found the roach using the couch cushions to build a small fort. Lois was in the kitchen, wielding a saucepan. Clark sprayed the Raid in the roach's face.
The bug let out a horrible—whatever that noise is called—and collapsed onto its back, knocking down the cushion-fort. Clark sprayed again just to make sure it was dead. Then, he picked it up and flew off to throw it into the sun.
After returning the can of poison to Jimmy, he went back to the house and cleaned up the mess their "visitor" had caused. When he was done, Lois threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.