By Classicalla <email@example.com>
Submitted: October 2006
Summary: A movie about Superman is being made, and Clark thinks it will be a total flop. He just doesn't realize that he's hot!
Disclaimer: The familiar characters and settings belong to DC Comics, Warner Bros., December 3rd Productions and anyone else that may have any legal right to claim them. I am not profiting by their use.
I hope you enjoy this little vignette. =}
Clark just couldn't imagine why *anyone* would be interested in watching a movie about Superman. They were spending an absolute *fortune* on this thing, and as he was sure it was going to be a flop, he was aghast that this much money was being wasted.
Somebody thought it would be cute for him to be in the movie. Oh, of course, they didn't want him to star in it. He wouldn't have done that anyway. Imagine him trying to act in a movie. What a joke! The producers wanted him to do the bit part of Jimmy Olsen. They had to do some arm-twisting, but they finally convinced him to do it. He had only agreed to be in the movie after the producers said they would donate a sizable portion of the ticket sales to the Superman Foundation.
In addition to having a part in the movie, they had asked him repeatedly to do the flying scenes, but he had refused as he just didn't have the time. When he finally agreed to do one high-flying scene for them, they realized that it would be easier to fake the flying than to use a plane or a helicopter to film him actually flying. Between trying to make sure that the flying vehicles wouldn't cause shadows, the idea of trying to paste the star's face to his body and trying to get the right close-up, they decided it just wouldn't work. He was really relieved because their repeated requests were getting tiresome.
Lois and Clark were also characters in the movie. What a hoot! Lois was going to be played by that sexy actress on 'Desperate Housewives'. Her name was Teri Hatcher. Lois just loved that show.
Clark was going to be played by Dean Cain, who had been on a bit of everything. Clark liked to watch him on 'Ripley's: Believe It Or Not'.
Some unknown actor named Brandon Routh had been cast in the role of Superman. Clark really thought that it was ironic that the guy playing Clark Kent looked a whole lot more like him than the guy playing Superman.
The premise of the movie would include several of his most famous rescues. Much to Clark's chagrin, the Messenger rescue would include the infamous burp. Why Lois had to write about that, Clark would never know, but she had.
It would also include the Nightfall episode with speculation about where he had disappeared. After that incident had happened, a small piece of his tattered, burnt cape had been found in Metropolis. From that little bit of information, the writers and producers had come up with the idea that his clothing had burned off in the atmosphere. They had unexpectedly asked him if he thought that was plausible, and he had blushed beet-red. Considering his reaction, he admitted to them that that happened, but there was no way he was telling these movie people anything else about the incident — especially that he had ended up with amnesia and was clueless as to who he was.
The movie would also include something about The New Kryptonian Crisis. The producers tried to get Clark to tell them about all the unknown facts concerning The New Kryptonian Crisis, but Clark had managed to convince them that he couldn't because it was against Kryptonian law. Good grief! What some people would fall for.
There was one thing he wasn't sure he liked about the movie. They had decided to give him a secret identity. That was the truth, but he didn't particularly want people to know that.
They reasoned that surely sometimes Superman would just like to walk around town or go to the theater without people watching him. His secret identity in this production was Kal L, and he worked as a police officer. Clark rolled his eyes at the idea of Kal-El with an 'L' being his secret identity, but the producer explained that they did this because if they used a name a real person had then that person would be accused of being Superman. They had considered the name John Doe, but there was that presidential candidate that had been such a darn nice guy, so they couldn't use that name.
They also had him involved with a fellow police officer — his beautiful partner who had a secret crush on Superman. Yikes! That was scary. She would only be referred to as 'Sugar'. She was played by a lady named Kate Bosworth.
His bit part only consisted of about seven or eight lines, but he was on the set for two days. They had decided to make Jimmy a redhead for some reason. But then they had also made Superman taller and had given him blue eyes. Clark thought that it was pretty funny when he was dressed as Jimmy and wore a red wig. While he was wearing this get-up, he was able to hear what many of the actresses and even an actor said about him. They thought he was hot! He was hot? He knew women fell at his feet, but he thought that was because of the power thing. He was hot?
Not realizing who he was, one pretty little actress spoke to him the first morning he was on the set. She said conspiratorially. "I've heard he is supposed to be on the set today. Have you seen him?"
With raised eyebrows, he answered noncommittally. "Uhh… Well…"
She sighed and looked downhearted. "Oh, I guess you wouldn't have seen him either. They are probably hiding him. I was really hoping to snag him and drag him off to my trailer." She batted her lashes. "To… You know… So many things I'd like to do to him." She sighed dreamily.
He raised his eyebrows and his face revealed shock. "Well… ummm… You know, he… he…"
"Oh, I know he wouldn't normally do that. But I can be very convincing," she said passionately
Clark was blushing profusely and gave her a kind of half grin. "I, uh… I gotta go… I hear them calling me." He walked off towards the director.
"I didn't hear anything. How did you…"
She followed Clark. When he sat down in the chair that was labeled 'Superman', and the actress saw him do so, she was initially mortified. She quickly overcame that, though, and hoped for some Superman 'action'. She ran over to him and touched his shoulder. He looked at her. "Yes?" He smiled.
She said a little shakily, "You… are him?" He nodded. "Ohhh… I can't believe I said that to you," she said flirtatiously.
He answered her with a lightly teasing tone meshed with disbelief. "Well, what had you planned on saying to me if you knew it was me you were saying it to?"
"Well, I hadn't *planned* on talking," she said in a sexy voice. She turned and pointed out her trailer. "That's where I'll be."
He looked over to the director with his mouth hanging slightly open. "Does this go on all the time?"
"Ummm… Let's just say it's a lot worse than usual. What can I say? They think you are hot."
Perplexed, he answered, "I'm hot?" He shook his head lightly. "So, I'm supposed to be a policeman, huh?"
"Well, actually I imagine the only thing you do is be Superman, but…" He paused a moment. "I don't suppose you want to tell me…" Clark gave him a confused look like he was clueless as to what he was talking about. "Nah, I guess not. Anyway, it's making for a good story. And man, this is going to be a blockbuster."
"Oh, come on."
"Superman, I just don't think you fully realize your hotness factor."
When he did his few lines, he performed flawlessly and naturally. The director and the producer were truly impressed. Clark actually surprised himself until he realized that Clark Kent played Superman every day. Of course he was a great actor!
Now if they could just get the other actors to relax, they could get the scene shot. After Clark made a couple of jokes they finally relaxed, and the scene was done.
Finally, he could get out of there and go back home to Lois. He wondered how they had talked him into this silly idea anyway.
One year later…
The movie, 'Superman', premiered with a twist that Clark hadn't known about. At the end of the movie Sugar and Kal slept together. Oh, Sugar still had her secret crush on Superman, but she had decided that she loved Kal. The movie ended without her finding out that Kal L was also Superman.
Clark was shocked. Lois was angry. But what could they do? It was one of the highest money making movies ever made, and the Superman Foundation greatly benefited.
Superman did interviews trying to impede the idea, but it didn't matter. Pretty much everyone now thought that Superman had a secret girlfriend. Oh, he could just imagine the repercussions when one of his kids started flying around…
But there was even a bigger surprise for Clark: Superman was *hot*! Imagine that!