By Lois_Lane_Fan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Submitted: April 2008
Summary: This is an extension to the episode "Neverending Battle." Lois Lane gets sent on a wild goose chase.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. This is just my interpretation of what might have happened during Lois' night at the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility. Therefore, I owe a lot to the writers of the Lois and Clark episode Neverending Battle. Initially, I wrote many parts of this story for a fanfic about the Smallville version of Lois Lane being sent to the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility, but I decided to reuse a lot of my other story for this Lois and Clark fanfic.
"Can I get a messenger up here, please?... Right, on my desk... Tonight, Lois Lane's apartment... Thanks." Clark looked at Lois Lane as he hung up the phone.
"What kind of security clearance? Okay, I'll get one. How hard can it be?" Lois asked into the phone.
That night, Lois arrived at her apartment and looked through her mail. When she found a map that would supposedly lead her to Superman's spaceship, she smiled. "I'm about to get the biggest story of my life! I need to leave right now! Maybe I can get the story before morning." Lois took off, not even bothering to change out of the clothes that she had worn to work.
Soon after, Lois Lane arrived in a cab near the location that was indicated on the map. She looked up at a large sign that said "Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility."
The cab driver turned to her and said, "This is as far as I go. You're going to have to walk the rest of the way."
He held out his hand, and Lois paid him, though she was a bit annoyed that she would be forced to walk around in this dump. It was then that she thought it might have been wise to have changed into different clothes, but it was too late. If Lois wanted to get this story, then she had to act quickly, even if it meant that she'd have to get a little dirty. After all, since when did Lois Lane back down from any story?
She stepped out of the cab, and, as it took off, she said to herself, "Why would Superman choose this place to hide his spaceship? Maybe he hid it here because he knew that nobody would find it here. He didn't plan on a brilliant reporter like me finding figuring out his hiding place."
Lois started to wonder, though, if this might be some type of set up. Many Daily Planet employees would probably love to see the intelligent Lois Lane make a fool out of herself. Of course, Lois then reasoned that nobody would be brave enough to pull this type of prank on her. She then reassured herself that she was about to get the biggest story of her life, and she was just being paranoid.
"I just wish the stench wasn't so awful," she stated as she stepped forward. "Why did I have to wear a skirt and high heels on this little trip," Lois whined.
As she walked, she could feel the unpleasant feeling of slime squishing inside her shoes. When she stepped forward, she tripped, landing face first in a puddle of mud. She instantly wiped most of the mud off of her face using her sleeve. She stumbled forward, trying to stand up again, only to fall back into the mud. Finally, she got back on her feet.
"Ouch!" Lois yelled, smacking at a mosquito that had just bitten her. "OK, Lois, just follow the map, and you'll get your story," she told herself, trying to reassure herself that this was a good idea.
She took a few steps forward, scratching at her mosquito bites, when the heel on her left shoe broke, causing the already dirty reporter to fall backwards into the mud. She sat up and ran her fingers through her now muddy hair. Then, she picked up her broken heel and stood up, limping towards her destination.
Lois was scratching all over her body. The mosquitoes were forcing the reporter to do a dance as she tried to get rid of the itching sensation.
"I hate mosquitoes," Lois mumbled as she continued to scratch at her shoulder blade. "This is pure torture! I'm going to be scratching for weeks."
As she hobbled around, Lois realized that she was lost. Worse yet, her pantyhose were pretty ripped up at this point. Lois scratched her leg with her foot while trying to make sense of the map.
The lost reporter wandered around the city dump all night, convinced that she would get her story when she figured out where she was. After hours of hiking through the city dump, Lois realized it was morning. She couldn't wait to take a shower. Her hair, in addition to being covered in mud, was sticking up all over the place. She was completely covered in mud, sweat, and mosquito bites. She would probably never be able to get the smell out of her clothes, which were torn up as well as mud-spattered. She was still holding her broken shoe in her hand, and her pantyhose were ruined, too. Her remaining shoe was mud-encrusted. Her once expensive designer clothes were completely ruined.
Just then, Lois looked at the map again, and she realized that she was currently in the right location. She smiled and looked around, noticing a garbage bag that was sitting right in front of her.
"Whatever is in this garbage bag will tell me where to go next," Lois assumed. "Hopefully, the spaceship is nearby." She looked into the garbage bag and pulled out a Godzilla doll with a red S painted on its chest.
For a moment, she tried to figure out what was going on. She was quite confused, and in her exhausted state, she didn't immediately realize that she had been conned.
Lois looked at the doll with a confused expression on her face. "Clark Kent!" Lois yelled angrily, realizing who had played this practical joke on her. She stuffed the Godzilla doll back into the garbage bag. Lois had just one thing on her mind: to get back to the Daily Planet so she could give Clark Kent a piece of her mind. Nobody made a fool of Lois Lane and got away with it.
Once she was a few blocks away from the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility, Lois saw a cab. Her feet were very sore from the long walk, so she could just take a cab the rest of the way.
Lois was ready to get into it when the cabdriver shook his head and yelled, "No! Are you nuts? I ain't giving you a ride. You're filthy. I don't want all that mud all over this cab!"
As the cabdriver took off, Lois moaned. She was somewhat embarrassed by the cabdriver's reaction to her, but that wasn't her biggest problem. She would have to walk all the way to the Daily Planet! Luckily, it wasn't too far, but Lois' feet were aching at this point.
As she limped down the sidewalk, everybody made room for her to go past them, trying to avoid standing next to the smelly Lois Lane. Lois tried to ignore the disgusted faces, which only made her humiliation that much worse
One woman waved her hand across her nose and said "Pee-eww!"
An angry Lois shouted, "Yes, I know! I stink!" She continued to shuffle towards the Daily Planet, still scratching her mosquito bites.
As she entered the building, she saw some familiar faces. She was trying her best to ignore the pointed fingers and giggles. By now, she was considering heading back home to change, but people had already seen her. By tomorrow morning, the entire building would know what had happened to her. She stepped into the elevator alone, relishing the thought of confronting Clark Kent.
Lois Lane stepped out of the elevator, immediately noticing Cat, Jimmy, and Clark, along with the rest of the newsroom, staring at her. As she walked towards her desk, she could hear laughter all around herself, and she noticed the startled faces and wrinkled noses of everybody that she passed. Could this be more embarrassing for Lois Lane?
"Lois, what happened?" Jimmy asked.
"Nothing. Nothing at all," Lois stated, trying to maintain her composure. Thinking about her ordeal, Lois suddenly turned around angrily and yelled, "Oh! You're referring to my appearance!" A crowd was starting to gather. All eyes were glued to Lois Lane. "Well, I think that after hours of trudging through the mud and the filth and the frogs and the *things*, I have a perfect right to be a bit... disheveled." She scratched her head furiously and asked, "By the way, did you know that it is possible to get completely lost at the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility?" She started to get even louder as she scratched at her shoulder blade, adding "And, did you know that there are billions of mosquitoes there? I do, because I *met* them!" She pointed to dozens of small red bites on her shoulder blade.
She finally reached her desk, choosing to continue. "Of course my little trip to hell wasn't a total failure," she continued, holding up the garbage bag. "I found this!" She pulled out the plastic Godzilla doll, allowing everybody to see her discovery.
The newsroom erupted in laughter as Lois stood there embarrassed. She started walking towards Clark's desk, trying to regain her dignity. She took the crumpled map out and held it up to Clark. "You wouldn't happen to have any idea who sent me this, would you?" she asked.
Clark just smiled back at Lois, enjoying his victory. In a very rare occasion, Lois Lane had been publicly defeated.
At that point, Lois finally noticed the newspaper. She picked it up off of Clark's desk, noticing the 'Superman' headline immediately. As Lois skimmed through the story, people in the crowd began to smile. "You got the story? You?" she asked, completely shocked by this news.
Clark gave Lois a superior grin. "Yep. Consider this a life lesson, Lois. No charge," he said to Lois as he patted her cheek twice.
With everybody watching, Lois opened her mouth up widely, realizing that Clark had just thrown her condescending remark back in her face. A thoroughly humiliated Lois moved her mouth slowly, trying to think of a comeback, but no words came to her mind. For once in her life, Lois Lane was speechless.
"Uh-huh," Lois said unable to come up with anything better.
This prank had led her to a night at the Metropolis Sewage Reclamation Facility, searching for a non-existent spaceship, while Clark had gotten an interview with Superman. Lois looked down at her feet before walking backwards towards her desk. She continued to give Clark a cold stare until she sat down.
Lois listened as everybody in the newsroom cheered. Now, Clark was a big hero. Not only had he gotten the story, but he had gone head-to-head with the cocky Lois Lane and won! He had put a sock in Lois Lane's mouth, leaving her speechless. Nobody had ever been able to leave Lois Lane speechless in the past, shutting her up once and for all. Everybody felt that Lois thought she could chew up and spit out any reporter in the Daily Planet, but Clark had chewed up Lois Lane and spit her out! Lois cringed, thinking about this embarrassing situation.
Later that day, Lois was still sitting in her chair. She hadn't bothered to change into clean clothes. Lois turned towards Clark, who was finally alone at his desk. Lois stood up and slowly began to march towards the man who had beaten her. Earlier that morning, Lois Lane had wanted revenge, but she now had different feelings. Clark noticed that Lois was coming and slowly rose up from his chair.
"You set me up?" she asked, even though she knew the answer.
"Yes, I did," Clark admitted, wondering if he had gone too far with his prank.
"Congratulations, Clark, you win." Lois held out her hand.
"I... I didn't win," Clark said slowly. He didn't want to beat Lois. He just wanted to teach her not to steal another reporter's story ever again.
"Oh yes you did. You got the story, and you took me down a peg in the process," she admitted, smiling. "I guess I deserved that. You worked hard, and you earned your success."
"Thank you, Lois," he replied, smiling back at her. "That means a lot to me."
"Well I hope so. Cherish this moment, because, Clark, you'll never experience this again," Lois added, regaining some of her cockiness.
"Hey Lois," he called after her. "What've we got going on for tomorrow?"
"Now there you're using that word again, Clark; there is 'you', there is 'I', there is no 'we'."
"Not yet," he responded.
"Not ever," she assured him.
"How long can you hold your breath?"
"A very long time," he said.