By Michael R. Williams (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Summary: What ever did happen to Cat Grant? In this funny letter to Lois, Cat tells all — and can't resist yanking Lois' chain a bit.
I know I haven't written but I've been so busy with my new job here at the Hollywood Daily. I'm sure everyone is just fine back at the Planet, doing the same old thing. You'll *never* guess what I'm doing now — senior writer for the Entertainment Section! It's Perfect for my extensive talents! I go to ALL the Gala events, see the stars, eat your heart out Mary Hart! I got to interview Sean Connery last week, and he is even cuter in person. He has the tightest, most pinchable tush. You truly can't imagine! Teri Hatcher and I went jogging last week. She is loads of fun. We talked about her wedding and compared interesting places to have sex. You wouldn't have enjoyed that at all.
Well, I've got a new place now. It's just outside Beverly Hills. I thought I'd never find an interior decorator. But, Kathleen Turner recommended this designer. She's wonderful! Her name is Josephine, and she's worked with most of the stars. Robin Leach just loves her. She could even do wonders with your tacky apartment. We did the place in a contemporary style. So far, everyone just absolutely loves it. Patrick Stewart was over the other night. I always thought bald was sexy, but Patrick takes it to a new height! If you haven't seen Patrick up close and personal…well, you're missing out. And, he is so gentlemanly. I thought I was queen for the evening!
I heard that you and Clark are finally together! Congratulations! You finally found someone who can tolerate you. Clark is a loving, caring guy. You're so lucky. Besides, he has a bod that just won't stop! So, is this serious? How is he in bed? And I want Details!!! What about you and Superman? I'll bet the "Man of Steel" turned out to be tin foil — some guys are all looks and no staying power, if you know what I mean. That must have been disappointing for you, Lois, expecting a flight to the moon and instead getting the commuter's special to Newark. Now, Clark…he's a country boy. He's probably used to being behind the plow for hours on end. Hmmmmm.
Well, I've finally found my Super Guy. He's a Director and he is Wonderful and Adorable and Hot and Loaded! His name is Sebastian and he is one hot Latino Lover! We're going to be married in an intimate ceremony at his summer home in, get this, the Bahamas!!! We're inviting just a few friends and family, and it would mean a lot to me if you and Clark were there. Okay Lane, you can close your mouth now. I really mean it.
Sebastian picked the spot for the wedding — we got together for the first time in the Bahamas. In fact, we'll be having the wedding ceremony by the pool at his bungalow. The reception will take place in the living room, and the dining room, oh! and the kitchen… I think you and Clark will enjoy yourselves. Hope to see you soon, and good luck with Clark (he's a keeper)! Be sure to give him a big kiss especially from me!