Top Banana

By Ranica (Ranica@aol.com)

Summary: Lois and Clark are ordered to shoot a promotional
commercial for the Daily Planet, much to Lois' consternation. 

Here is a story that I slapped together recently. I have no idea
where it came from, but it brought chuckles to my "editors".
Enjoy, and as always, comments, constructive criticism, and
complaints are greatly welcome and appreciated!

***

"I can't believe that Perry dragged us into this. We're
reporters! Not actors!" Lois was outraged. She and Clark were
down at the local studio, about to shoot a commercial for the
Daily Planet to boost their circulation.

"But we have a great following! Our readers are very loyal and
those who don't read the Daily Planet aren't -- well, INTELLIGENT
enough, so good riddance to them!" Lois had been flustered. She
had been at the Planet for almost 6 years now and never had she
been assigned to something so absurd.

But Clark had had a different attitude. "Sure, Perry. That sounds
like fun. Maybe it'll get Lois to relax a bit." He had cast a
sidelong glance at his partner. "She sure has been acting up more
than usual lately." He loved to tease her and his smile grew even
wider when he saw her turn red with anger.

"I hope you know that this is the most ridiculous and
embarrassing thing that I will ever have to go through, and it's
not even for a story!" Lois had said through gritted teeth to
Clark as they were leaving Perry's office.

"Oh, come on, Lois. How bad can it be? It's a fifteen second
commercial." He had looked around the newsroom. "And besides. I
know why Perry chose you."

"OH? And why did Perry choose me? Of all people? Why not Jimmy?!"
Lois had braced herself for a sarcastic comment from her
partner.

"Because you're the most photogenic person in this whole entire
building."

"But of course!" Lois had laughed and finally resigned. "OK. I'll
do it, but only because you'll be embarrassed right along with
me, Clark."

But now, back at the studio, Lois was again having second
thoughts. "You know, Clark. Maybe you should just do this by
yourself," she said, already backing out the door. "I'm sure that
Perry won't mind and I just remembered -- I have to make a
appointment with my stylist -- my hair's causing me all these
problems!" Lois was already halfway out the door, but Clark
miraculously was behind her.

"I don't think so, Lois. We're partners, and I think that we
deserve equal publicity, don't you?" He guided her back into the
studio where the receptionist was looking at them strangely.

"How'd you get behind me so fast, Clark?"

He ignored her question and instead directed his attention to the
now smiling receptionist. "Hi, I'm Clark Kent and this is Lois
Lane. We're here for the Daily Planet commercial?"

She looked down at the list in front of her and found the
appointed time. "Ah, yes. Mr. Kent and Ms. Lane, you're here for
a one o'clock appointment?" Noting Clark's nod, she went on.
"Well, I'm happy to say that we're a bit ahead of schedule. The
Metropolis Zoo canceled ahead of you, so you're both welcome to
enter right now if you wish."

"Thank you," said Clark, practically hanging on to Lois with an
iron-clad grip, determined not to let her go. "We'll do that."

They went through the heavy mahogany double doors that would lead
to the studio and were instantly bombarded with the image of
trees, bananas, and the largest stuffed monkey that either of
them had ever seen. It must have been at least fifteen feet tall
and was clutching a giant banana to its chest.

"Wow, that new Monkey exhibit at the Zoo must be huge!" Clark
heard a groan from Lois and smiled. "No pun intended."

No one was around that could have helped them, so Lois started to
look around. She spotted a lever on the wall directly in front of
her. "I wonder what this does." She reached out and started to
pull the lever when Clark stopped her.

"You know, Lois, I don't think that we should be fooling around
with the equipment like this." He gave her one of his parental
glares and continued to look for someone in charge when Lois
promised to stop.

Once his back was turned however, Lois had to pull the lever.
"So, call me curious!" She pulled the lever and once she did, a
huge groaning noise erupted. Clark quickly looked back at Lois
who was smiling sheepishly. But everything was fine, when they
saw what the lever had started. The huge monkey had started to
move its arms, up and down and its mouth was opening and closing.
It was their laughter that brought a man with a clipboard to
them.

"Well, it's good to see sense of humor around here," he said,
quickly shutting the lever off and bringing the monkey to a
screeching stop. "Now, what can I do for you?" He wiped his
balding head with a handkerchief, and started to turn red. Lois
didn't notice any of this, but Clark saw the man staring at Lois'
-- well, you know. He quickly answered to avoid the man's leering
gaze.

"We're here for the Daily Planet commercial?" He cleared his
throat and the man quickly looked up at Clark.

"Oh, uh. Yes." He looked down at his clipboard. "So you two work
for the Planet, eh?"

Lois just nodded impatiently. "What are we supposed to be doing
so I can just get this over with?"

"Well, ma'am," He looked at her with admiration again. Clark did
not like this. "You'll have to get into costume first and we'll
clear the set here. You too, sir." But he did not look at Clark.

"OK. We'll do that." He led Lois towards the dressing rooms that
he pointed out. "I hope he's not our director," muttered Clark.

"Why not?" Lois turned to look up at him. "He seemed nice
enough."

"Yeah, too nice." Clark didn't look at her.

Lois, however was triumphant. "You're jealous!" She laughed as he
just shoved her playfully into her dressing room while he went
into his own.

Five minutes later, they both emerged from their respective
rooms. Lois was wearing an old-fashioned apron over her dress.
Clark was wearing a weird expression on his face, but had the
same clothes on.

Lois looked down in disgust at what she was wearing. Finally
noticing that Clark was standing there admiring her, she asked,
"How come you didn't change?"

"Oh, it turns out that I don't have change after all. Mr. Darnel
told me that what I was wearing was just fine." He was wearing
his charcoal gray suit with a blue shirt and a navy and ivory
spotted tie. He smiled as he watched her fiddle with the apron
strings. "Here, let me help you with that."

"No, I can do it myself," said an exasperated Lois. Completing
the knot she had started, she realized with despair that she
couldn't undo it. "Uh, Clark," she said with a sheepish grin on
her face. I think I will need your help." She noticed the packet
of paper in his hand. "Is that the script? What do we have to
do?"

He stepped closer to her and reached behind her to help her untie
the knot in her apron. "You'll see soon." He grinned, his face
just inches away from her, tied her apron strings in a neat bow,
and planted a kiss on her cheek, before saying, "Honey."

"What do you --" But she was interrupted by the Mr. Darnel that
Clark didn't trust.

"I see that you two are ready?" He looked them over, but his eyes
lingered a bit longer on Lois. "How 'bout we get this show on the
road?"

"Fine with me," responded Clark, putting his arm around Lois.

"But I haven't read the script yet!"

"Don't worry," whispered Clark in her ear. "You just have one
line: 'Here's your Planet, baby.'" He was enjoying the expression
on Lois' face. "Think you could handle that?"

"All you have to do is look pretty," added Darnel.

Lois looked from one man to the other, before throwing Clark's
arm off her shoulder and simply saying, "Let's get this over
with!"

They approached the set, which had dramatically been changed from
the jungle scene to a comfortable looking living room.

"Okay, places people! He motioned for Clark to go offstage and
for Lois to be on-stage.

"So, what am I supposed to do? Just stand there, and 'look
pretty'?" The sarcasm was evident, but Darnel just handed her a
feather duster.

"Here, use this."

"That is, if you know how, Lois," called Clark over his shoulder
as he took his place.

Exasperated, Lois just grabbed the duster and went on to the
make-shift living room.

"And ACTION!"

Lois started to dust the end table next to the couch very slowly
and with a bored expression. Clark rattled some keys, and then
entered through the "front door" of the set.

"Hi, honey! I'm home." He dropped the keys on the table she was
dusting, sat himself on the couch, and propped his feet up on the
coffee table. Lois couldn't believe what the cue card was
prompting her to do.

"I can't do that!" She exclaimed, and Darnel reluctantly yelled,
"CUT!" and walked over to Lois.

Clark grabbed Lois' arm and pulled her so only she could hear
him. "Lois, just do it, and then we can be out of here,
alright?"

Just as Darnel got to them, Lois turned to the little man and
said, "Okay, I'm ready now."

Sighing, he returned to his director's chair and started the
scene again.

Lois stiffly walked over to Clark, sat down and handed him the
paper that was besides his feet. "Here's your Planet," she said
in a sickly sweet voice. Clark didn't move, but just looked at
her expectantly. She glared at him and willed him to take the
paper from her hands, but he wouldn't. Gritting her teeth, she
snarled, "baby," which immediately brought a smile to Clark's
face.

"CUT!" yelled Darnel. "Uh, Ms. Lane? Do you think that you could
hold the spit on that last 'baby'? It was going fine until then.
You gotta loosen up, have some fun. Come on. You are partners,
aren't you? And this is for your own paper."

"I know how to loosen her up," said Clark with a sly grin. "Let's
take it again from the top."

"Clark, I don't know what you're up to, but you'd better not try
anything funny!"

"Oh, don't worry, Lois." Clark could hardly contain his laughter.
"This will be anything but funny."

"ACTION!"

Clark again came through the door and dropped his keys on the
table that Lois was dusting. But this time, he didn't sit as Lois
picked up the paper. "Hi, honey. I'm home," he said and swept her
into a deep dip, planting a firm kiss on her lips while Lois'
arms were wildly flailing. Bringing her back to an upright
position, he waited for her to say her line. But she was silent.
Grabbing the paper from her hand, he quickly recovered by saying,
"Thanks for the Planet, baby." And he sat down on the couch,
leaving Lois staring at him open-mouthed.

"CUT!" yelled Darnel. "That was good. Not what I expected, but
good." He got down from the chair and disappeared into the
shadows.

Lois still stood there, glaring at Clark who was pretending to
find an interesting story in the paper that he held. She started
to lunge at him, but was stopped by this huge groaning noise.

Clark watched as Lois was picked up by the giant monkey and was
raised twenty feet into the air. He did a quick super-scan to
make sure that she wouldn't fall, before laughing. The monkey
held Lois in one hand over his head, and clutched the giant
banana in his other hand.

"Well, Lois, it looks like you were right!" Clark could not stop
laughing even though Lois was squealing for somebody to help her.
He looked directly up at her, before saying, "You are top
banana!"

THE END

(banana.txt)