STAINS IN THE CAPE: THE TORTUROUS LIFE OF CLARK KENT A Comedy by Leigh Raglan Author's note: I was posting in ABC Online's L&C message boards on AOL back in March 1996 about how I didn't want to see L&C become a soap opera and mentioned possible alternative titles for the show including the one heading this story. It got the creative juices churning from my utter frustration and anger with the clone/amnesia/non-wedding arc, although it really isn't all that much related. It's not exactly finished, but now it never will be. There are references from the following episodes: "Operation Blackout," "A Bolt From the Blue," "Season's Greedings," "Don't Tug On Superman's Cape," "A Chip Off The Old Clark," "Virtually Destroyed," "The Dad Who Came In From The Cold," "I Now Pronounce You" and "Forget Me Not." The O.J. reference was to O.J. Simpson. The tie reference dates back to the second season when Clark wore a few odd-looking ties. References to the location of Lois' apartment date to the first, second and third season when it seemed to move about and the building changed from a brownstone (in the first and part of the second season when she lived on the first floor of a walkup) to an apartment building (second season when she lived on the fifth floor with an elevator) and back again (third season). Also, there is a bit of reference to Dean Cain's own ancestry: he's one quarter Japanese and has some Welsh blood. Clark's clothing being compressed comes from the pre-1986 (pre-Crisis) comics. This is intended to use every cliché in the book; it is completely a joke from start to finish, a bit off-color in one or two places, and most definitely should NOT be taken seriously. There is a lot of play on words, including the spelling of some words so be on the lookout; some of it is subtle. I had a lot of fun writing it. I don't know how I did this story, how I came up with this stuff. I was certainly feeling very silly, and good. Must have been drinking something great at the time. STAINS IN THE CAPE: THE TORTUROUS LIFE OF CLARK KENT A Comedy by Leigh Raglan First published -- Spring 1996 Revised & Resubmitted August 2006 Copyrighted © 1996, 1998, 2006 by Leigh Raglan All Rights Reserved It was a dark and stormy night when Clark Kent heard the cry for help with his superhearing, ducked into an alley, and spun into his world-famous Superman costume, accidentally reducing his favorite tie (the one with the tiny eggplants) into something resembling the head of a floor mop. Taking off into the air, he headed out toward the airport where, due to weather conditions, it wasn't a fun place to be. The 747 from Frankfurter was having trouble lowering its landing gear. It was going to have to come sliding in on its belly like mustard being gently squeezed out of the bottle (Grey Poupon, of course; it goes with anything). Not relishing the idea, Clark felt he'd better play a bit of ketchup, um, catch-up, and grab that sucker's wheels to see if he could force them down into place. It was as he was doing this that the passengers on the left side of the plane caught sight of Superman's cape getting sucked off his back and into the port engine, then spewing out the back like beef in a meat grinder. The lightning struck the engine and an electrical current flowed through Clark's body and through the body of the plane. Suddenly the entire plane lifted into the air as 240 passengers were suddenly superpowered and all rose to the occasion (especially the men), feet off the floor, hands pressed to the overhead compartment, pushing the plane up into the air, up, up, up... "Wait!" Superman called, and he tried to hang onto the aircraft. There was a ripping sound, and he found himself holding on to the landing gear on the port side while the rest of the plane lifted up into the stratosphere where it decompressed and exploded. Yikes! Clark thought, that was an uplifting experience. A short while later Clark Kent was back in the alley, spinning into his street clothes sans tie. At least without the cape he didn't have to worry about looking like Mr. Bubble-butt, but his mom would have a fit unless she'd gotten yards extra fabric at that yard sale. After nervously adjusting his glasses, Clark continued on his journey by foot to Lois' apartment. The building was a nondescript three-story brownstone. Lois lived on the first floor in apartment 501. Clark bounded up the stairs and went into the lobby, got on the elevator and rode up to the fifth floor. Lois Lane opened the door and took in Clark's appearance. The handsome young man in front of her had black hair which was standing straight up on top of his head, making it look like a pin cushion. His suit had the rumpled look of wash-and-wear, which led her to believe he'd just returned from being Superman where he had to supercompress his clothes and stick it in his pouch -- now she knew why he was so, um, well-endowed. Lois laughed, "Your hair?" "Well, I had a bit of an electrifying experience, Lois. You'd be shocked if I told you what happened, but we needn't worry about there being a lot of 'chips off the old Clark' running about now. Everything kinda wound up in orbit in a celestial type of way." "What? Clark, you're not making sense. And you've got to do something with that hair," she giggled. Clark came into Lois' apartment, closed the door, then at superspeed he went to the kitchen, ran some water into his hands, and slicked his hair down in a manner which left no doubt in anyone's mind that he was both Clark and Superman. He then went and sat down on the sofa. "Can I get you something to drink?" "How about a cream soda?" Clark asked. "I hate cream soda. How about an OJ?" "As long as it isn't the one who's been in court," Clark responded. Lois went to the kitchen and grimaced. "Clark, it is as if someone turned on a water sprinkling system in here." "Sorry." Clark watched Lois as she fetched a glass, opened the refrigerator, poured some orange juice into it. She was beautiful. Her dark hair was short in front and long in the back. She was dressed in some bulky sweat pants, sweat shirt, and gym socks. She came back to the living room and handed him the glass. "What's with the clothing. It seems warm in here?" he asked. "Well, I haven't lost weight, but I didn't want you to think I had lost weight, so I put this on." Clark frowned. "Come over here." She did and he reached for the end of the sweatshirt and pulled it up to look underneath. Instead of her tummy, there was absolutely nothing there at all -- literally. For a minute Clark thought he had accidentally activated his x- ray vision. He cleared his throat and said, "Um, I'd have never thought that you weren't all there, Lois." "Clark! Because you know my mom called and was telling me that we just shouldn't have kids and that if we did have kids she just knew something bad would happen and she didn't want to feel old by our turning her into a grandmother and that Lucy wasn't even married yet... And I was saying that seeing how we didn't live in the same apartment because we couldn't decide on the furniture and besides you have trouble finding me sometimes what with this ever-morphing building -- do you recall that my apartment number used to be 105 -- and the elevator isn't always there -- depends on the season, you know, cause in season one I didn't have one, but got one in season two--" "Lois, you're babbling," Clark interrupted while wondering to himself why he would have ever for even an instant thought that Lois wasn't all there when she spoke so concisely with such clarity of thought. No wonder he sometimes called her his "little tornado." "Well, it's just that I'm nervous about our getting our new apartment because you never know about the floors." "Floors?" "Carpeting, rugs, bare floors of wood or tile. So many choices--" "I'm sure I'll like whatever you decide to go with." "Well, there is all kinds of carpeting, you know, and some is very plushy so you sort of bounce on your feet. And then there is carpeting which isn't even padded and then ceramic tiles could also be nice but you know they can get very cold. Wooden floors can be very nice but you could always get a splinter--" "I'm invulnerable, Lois, remember?" "Well, you see, that's just it. You won't feel that splinter, but you know there could be one and it could get in my foot, be very painful, get infected, require surgery, possibly even amputation..." her voice trailed off. "Lois, honey, why do I get the feeling we aren't talking about home decoration here?" "Clark, it's just that we've never talked about some things before, and they might not meet our expectations." Clark frowned. "Lois, the 'thing'?" "Yes." "It's not a problem. We not only talked about it before, um, well, we've already done it." "We have?" "Of course." "When, Clark." "On our wedding night." "Our wedding night? I should remember that, shouldn't I? I mean, what bride wouldn't remember her wedding night?" "Lois, are you feeling okay?" "Well, I had this strange craving for fried frogs' legs, but after PONDering about it, I decided to buy a nice lily pad, um, plant instead. It's right over there." Clark looked at the plant and only one word popped into his head: Funeral. Lowering his glasses he quickly scanned the entire apartment but didn't find anything unusual except that he never realized that Lois had a black void in the kitchen cabinets before. Maybe that explained why she kept losing things in there. Clark got up and went over to Lois. He put his arms around her and pulled her close. "Everything is going to be just perfect. Nothing is going to happen when we move. I will take care of everything." Lois' arms went around his neck, and he bent to kiss her. As things began to get quite passionate the phone started to ring. They ignored it. The doorbell buzzed. They ignored it. Someone started calling, "Help, Superman, help." Clark ignored it. "Hey, Lois, Clark, are you guys in there? Am I interrupting anything?" Jimmy's voice called from the hallway outside Lois' door. They ignored it. Clark deepened the kiss and his hand slid up behind Lois' head so he could cradle it. Things seem to fade to black and for an instant Clark thought he saw the words "Executive Producer Robert Singer" floating in midair. Then he heard someone yelling, "It's a take. Cut, cut, cut!" Clark released Lois. "Wow," she said breathlessly. "I know. For a minute there I thought I was in a scene in a TV show." "What?" Lois frowned at him and shook her head. "Clark, sometimes when I think you're 'out of this world,' well, I think you're literally 'out of this world.'" "Thanks. I'll try and figure out what you meant by that some time when I'm not saving this world. Now what 'thing' were you talking about a bit earlier in metaphors?" "Well, I guess I'm worried about that whole kid thing, which we haven't talked about much." "Goats?" "Kids, Clark." "Kids are young goats, Lois." "OUR kids, Clark. I hope they won't be going baa." "Well, having kids, Lois, isn't like getting a dog." "If anyone is aware of that, it's me. I don't think the veterinarian hospital will be able to help me when I'm expecting." "Expecting what? Oh, god, Lois, maybe we should have answered the door. It might have been the U.P.S. man." "Clark Jerome Kent!" "Just kiddin', Lois." "Do you think we can even have kids, Clark? THAT thing is what I'm thinking of. After all, you are Kryptonian and I'm--" "An Earth woman. That's probably my problem." "What!?" "Uh, what I mean, um, is that OUR problem in sometimes understanding one another is our being from opposite ends of the galaxy. Literally." "'Men are from Mars.'" "Krypton's further away than that, Lois." "I just don't want to have something with two heads, Clark." "But twins could be nice, Lois." "That is not what I meant. I mean, how could I ever GO to have a medical checkup if I got pregnant?" "You could take a taxi, I'd drive you, Superman could fly--" "What if they found out something was strange? What if something was different? What if they thought I was having Superman's child?" "Well, Lois, you know I AM Superman." "I don't think Dr. Max Deter was aware of that when he told Clark that he could take his Forget Me Knots and forget me, and wound up being dangled at 10,000 feet while Superman sang to him the 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' en route to spend some less-than-enchanted evening with William Wallace Webster Walldecker's sister, Wanda Mae, who thought General Custer had just arrived to take care of a few unruly Indians." "No, Lois. But I don't think Wanda Mae will mind being completely isolated, without visitors, in the company of Max for the next five years." "How?" "I had him committed." "On what grounds?" "That he now thought Clark Kent was Superman." "And what did Wanda Mae say?" "She thanked General Sherman." "And what did Max say, Clark?" "'Ouch!' He tried to get away, fell, and wounded his knee." "Uh oh." "Yes, and Wanda Mae kept saying that General Custer was at Wounded Knee." Lois started laughing. Clark watched her and got down on his knees in front of her and gently held her hands. "Lois, I don't think we have to worry about kids, assuming we can even have any. I'm a farm kid remember? And I even had to help deliver a baby once back when Metropolis had that blackout, remember?" "Operation blackout. Uh, huh. Molly and Ryan." "Yeah, so with my x-ray vision, and my experience and my parent's help, too, I think you'll be in good hands." "Either yours or Allstate's. And if I wound up having something unusual?" "It's bound to look like one of us and if it looks like you, it'll be beautiful, Lois." "Or you, it'll be handsome, Clark." "Of course. A little Japanese blood, some Welsh--" "And our children will be ordering sushi in Welsh." "Exactly, Lois. Nothing to worry about at all." "But what if they can fly?" "They'll never be late. Besides, I never even flew until I was eighteen. You're not going to have to anchor our kids to the floor as if they're hot air balloons." "Clark, about the thing?" "Which thing, Lois? The kid thing, or the thing, thing?" "The 'thing' we did on our wedding night." "And at least one or two times since then." "At the very least twice." "Right, Lois." "I do remember." "I kinda figured you'd find it memorable, Lois." "I like how verrrry patient you were about it, too." "Had to be since you suddenly wanted a hot pastrami with slaw, and a cream soda before we even got started." They leaned forward for another kiss. Clark's superhearing kicked in again, and he felt like he was listening to someone rapidly changing channels on a radio. He pulled back. "Gotta go." "A job for Superman?" "It will be when I get a new cape." "What happened to the one you had?" "A mustard stain?" she smiled. "Well, first it got a mustard stain on it, Lois." "It's a long story, Lois." "I'll bet." "I'll be back." "I thought Arnold Schwarzenegger said that," Lois said. With a whoosh Clark was gone. THE END Don't throw the tomatoes all at once. :)