"UNDERNEATH THE CAPE: AN IN-DEPTH INTERVIEW WITH SUPERMAN BY CLARK KENT" by Leigh Raglan Rated PG-13 First published -- March 1995 Revised & Resubmitted August 2006 Copyrighted © 1995, 1996, 2004, 2006 by Leigh Raglan All Rights Reserved [Author's note: The following story takes place after the first three episodes in the first season as they should have appeared chrono- logically: Pilot, "Neverending Battle," "Strange Visitor.” (ABC originally aired the second and third episode out of sequence when they inverted them because they thought “Strange Visitor” was a stronger episode to follow the pilot. It never made sense chronolo- gically as there are references in it to events in "Neverending Battle") My "Introduction" recaps the ending of the final scene of "Strange Visitor" when Superman paid Lois a late night visit in the Daily Planet newsroom and gave her an interview. My story picks up the very next day which I elected to be a Friday in order for Clark to have the weekend to work on his article. It should be noted that Clark didn’t learn more about his Kryptonian past -- his Kryptonian name, who his parents were, why he came to Earth, what happened to Krypton and his parents, etc. -- until the globe he had found in Bureau 39's warehouse (in "Strange Visitor"), which had maps of Earth and Krypton on it, began communicating to him in a later first season episode entitled "Foundling" set roughly six months later. I should probably mention that some of the information describing how Clark learned about his powers I simply made up, but the part about how he learned he could fly for the first time, when he fell off the cliff, was from DC Comics (the revised comics which retold the story in the mid 1980s and eliminated the super baby and Superboy). The new comics also described the use of his powers -- i.e. flying, lifting heavy objects -- as being something Clark would will to happen, while the scripts for "Lois & Clark" describe Clark as "activating" his visual and audio powers to use them. Also, this story is intended to be a comedy and shouldn't be taken too seriously. * * * * * * * * * * * * INTRODUCTION (End of final scene of the end of episode "Strange Visitor" 1993/94 which, chronologically, followed "Neverending Battle.") "Well, truth and justice, that sounds good. You can use that," Superman told Lois Lane as he stood slightly to one side of her desk. He watched her as she quickly wrote down the words onto her notepad with a pencil. She was so beautiful, he thought. Suddenly he heard a female voice crying faintly in the distance, "Help! Help!" Lois looked up at him. Superman was gazing off into the distance, frowning a bit. "What is it?" she asked him. Superman turned back towards Lois. "Someone's in trouble." "This is a job for Superman, right?" she asked smiling. He looked at her for a moment. "I'll be seeing you," he replied. Then with a flash of cape, he whooshed across the newsroom and out the windows. "Mmmmm. I hope so," Lois said as she watched him fly off and disappear. She returned to her notes, scribbling down more about the handsome Kryptonian who had stolen her heart. * * * * * * * * * * * * "UNDERNEATH THE CAPE: An In-depth Interview With Superman By Clark Kent" Clark smiled to himself the next morning when he strode into the Planet newsroom reading the morning edition of the paper. The front page had a large somewhat grainy--due to the blow-up- -slightly out-of-focus color photo of Superman in midair right before he intercepted Jason Trask's missile. Jimmy Olsen was credited as the photographer. Above the photo a large headline read, "Superman Fights For Truth And Justice" by Lois Lane. The subtitle underneath stated, "Kryptonian's Here To Help." It sounded good. Clark continued to read as he went and got himself some coffee and a couple of donuts. He was glad he'd given the story to Lois to write as compensation for what she went through with Trask--nearly getting killed when he threw her out of the airplane--and also because Perry wouldn't let them write about Bureau 39, since all the evidence of alien spaceships and files filled with UFO reports had been removed from the warehouse. In many ways Clark was even relieved about Lois' questions--they had not been nearly as tough as he had feared they might be. With his coffee and donuts in hand, Clark aded towards his desk by way of Lois'. She was staring at the front page, a dreamy look on her face. He felt a pang of disappointment. This was the part he disliked about the whole charade: Lois believing Superman was a real person and loving the guy in the cape, while hardly giving the time of day to the real man underneath the suit, Clark Kent. "Hi, Lois," Clark said as bright as he could muster. "Hi," she replied without even looking up. "Isn't he gorgeous?" Feeling miffed, he responded, "If you like aliens instead of real men." Then he hated himself for saying it since he was the alien, despite how much he wished he weren't. Still, he didn't go flying about in that costume all the time as Lois probably assumed. He was living a normal life. How could Lois, a sophisti- cated cosmopolitan girl, fall for a flashy costume and a handful of superpowers when here Clark was, a world-traveled freelance journalist just waiting to sweep her off her feet if she would just notice him? "Clark!" Lois protested, "he is a man. He actually said so." Clark remembered his comment to her as Superman: "I AM a man, Lois, just like you're a woman." He looked at Lois a moment, "So am I, Lois," he said quietly before turning and walking over to his desk. She looked up from the paper for the first time, starring after him as she registered the hurt expression on his face. What was it about Clark that attracted her so and yet she found herself unconsciously putting up the barriers to keep him away from her? She didn't know why caustic remarks would continually pop out of her mouth in response to things he'd say to her. He was not only terribly good looking, but he was a good writer despite her initial negative labeling of him as a "hack from Nowheresville." He was very intelligent, well-traveled, not to mention the sweetest, nicest guy she could ever remember meeting. He was a guy you could die for. He was a guy who would probably break your heart. Too charming, that was it, and too much of a gentleman in this day and age. Clark was too good to be true. So, there must be something wrong with him, she thought. He must have skeletons somewhere in his closet. Nobody this nice could be trusted except, perhaps, Superman. "Well, Clark, I'm glad to know you're a man. I don't have to wonder anymore," she called after him. Her words had a cutting edge to them she instantly regretted. He looked back at her and his large brown eyes blinked from behind his glasses with a pained expression in them. "I'm sorry, Clark," she then said very quietly under her breath before returning to her paper. Clark looked back at her and nodded, smiling sadly. He had heard her apology with his superhearing. He then sat down rather dejectedly in his chair. He had just turned on his computer when Perry White came striding over to his desk. "Hi, tiger," he announced brightly slapping Clark on the back. "Oh, hi, Chief," Clark responded looking up. "Great headline, huh?" "Yeah. It's great." "Well, come into my office. We need to talk about it." "We do?" Clark was surprised. He got up from his chair and followed Perry into his office. "Close the door, son." Clark frowned before carrying out the order. He hoped he wasn't in trouble over anything. He was beginning to feel a bit wary and his warning sensors were going out. He sat down in the chair opposite Perry's desk. Trying to sound as casual as possible he said, "What's up, Chief?" Perry picked up the paper off his desk and waved it at Clark. "You've read this?" "Ah, yes." "And what do you think?" "I think we've got the scoop of the century. Superman tells Lois that he's Kryptonian, whatever that is, and that he's here to help." "And?" "And?" Clark frowned not sure what Perry was getting at. "And what?" "Where is the rest of it?" "Chief?" "This only scratches the surface. This is just a puff piece." Clark didn't know how to respond so he said nothing, but he felt his stomach beginning to tighten at the prospect of getting into an in-depth conversation about Superman with Perry White. "What's your take on this, uh, Kryptonian, Clark." "Well..." Clark started, racking his brain for something non-committal to say, "he seems sincere to me, Chief. I mean he saved the space shuttle, and he rescued those suicide jumpers and he intercepted that missile. He saved the little girl from the falling sign. He's always helping out in emergencies when people are in trouble. He seems very amicable and benevolent to me. I think we're very lucky to have him, Chief.” "You do?" "Well, yes. Don't you?" "Well, I don't know, Clark. What was it that Jason Trask told you and Lois? Didn't he seem to think that Superman was a threat to national security--" "Chief, Jason Trask was a nut ball. He was responsible for the death of George Thompson. He THREW Lois and me OUT OF A PLANE! If it hadn't been for Superman, neither of us would be here now. I'd go batting for Superman any day over Trask. I'm just sorry he got away 'cause I think he's certifiable and I think he's very dangerous. He ought to be locked up and someone should then throw away the key. He's a menace and I'm afraid we've probably not heard the last of him." "Well, I think you're right about Trask, Clark, but that still doesn't mean that this Superman guy is entirely on the level. He's given Lois precious little and I'm not sure she's the most objective reporter for the job. Lois is, well--how should I say it?--a bit starry-eyed when it comes to this Supeman guy. I'm surprised he's gone along with her name for him. In fact, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I think he might have taken advantage of her obvious feelings for him and given her a white-wash." Clark stared at Perry not daring to open his mouth. He had a terrible feeling where this conversation might be headed. "Are you with me on this, Son?" "I'm not sure, Chief," Clark said slowly. "I want you to get an interview with Superman!" * * * * * * * * * * * * Clark sat at the Kents' dinner table staring at his plate. "How can I write about Superman? I AM Superman. I mean, I made him up. Perry wants me to give him a name other than 'Superman.' Lois made that up, it caught on, and I just went with it for lack of something better to call myself. It's not like I know what my Kryptonian name is. I wouldn't know what to make up: Joe, Charlie? I'm from Krypton and my name is Chuck. Yeah, right." He paused and shook his head. "That's just it. I would have to make up everything and I don't know where to begin. I hate lying like this. I feel exposed. It's better if people don't know a lot about Superman, if he's a man of mystery who flies to the rescue, helps out, and then just disappears until the next emergency. I don't want anyone to suspect he might be someone else, that he isn't Superman twenty-four hours a day." "Well, you gave Lois the interview. Why don't you just elaborate on that?" Jonathan asked. "I told Lois the truth. She didn’t ask me an really difficult questions. And that's what Perry’s upset about. That's what he wants: the how, the what, the where. And I don't have the answers, Dad." Clark shook his head in frustration. "I created Superman because I wanted to be abe to use my powers to help people in trouble, to be able do some good with them, and yet still be able to maintain my anonymity and have a personal life--my job at the Planet, my apartment, my life as a normal human being, like the two of you. This is why Mom and I decided for me not to wear a mask, because we figured with my face exposed, no one would think I could possibly be someone else. Whereas if I wore a mask, then everyone would naturally assume I was someone else and they then would want to find out who I was. The whole thing has now gotten so out-of-hand. I never anticipated all of this publicity. The media has been in this absolute frenzy..." Clark's voice trailed off. "I gave Lois the interview because I wanted to help her and let the Planet have the scoop. I also wanted to placate everybody. Only it hasn't worked, at least not where Perry's concerned. He's skeptical about Superman's true motives. He wants me to get an in-depth interview with him and I just don't see how I can write this. I don't know what to write. I'm NOT a fiction writer." "Clark," Martha began, "what you need to do is forget that you are Superman for a moment. Now if he weren’t you, what questions would you ask him? Then ask him the most hard hitting, the most personal questions you can think of." "But how?" Clark asked. "Clark" Jonathan answered, "You have to be the best reporter you can be and treat your interview with Superman as if he isn't you, but someone else. Then when you answer your questions as Superman, you begin by answering them as best and as honestly as you can without censoring yourself. After you get everything down, then you go through it and edit it, revealing only what you want the world to know about yourself." ‘ "Actually, nothing. That's the problem, Dad. I want the world to know absolutely nothing," Clark said looking down at the table dejectedly. Jonathan sighed and glanced at Martha who reached out and gently squeezed her son's hand. "Oh, Clark." * * * * * * * * * * Later, Clark returned to his apartment and sat up all night in bed with his laptop computer trying to write his Superman interview. By the time the sun was creeping up over the horizon, Clark was drained. He didn't know who he was anymore: Clark or Superman. The entire conversation he had between himself and his alter-ego had gotten so completely out-of-hand it was as if Superman really were someone else. At times Clark found himself alternately envying, then hating Superman, but he figured that if these somewhat hostile feelings came across in the story, that might possibly be good. Perry would probably like to see some skepticism in the piece after Lois' article. Clark had pages of text streaming out of his printer when he finally stopped writing and threw himself on his bed to get some much needed rest. He was just thankful it was Saturday morning. That gave him two whole days to try and edit what he had written. A few hours later he awoke and -- after making some coffee, and running to the corner deli to pick up a couple of bagels and some lox -- he sat down to read what he had written. He was astonished. He felt like Dr. Frankenstein. What had begun as a serious interview had quickly switched gears. He had gotten into the head of his Superman creation who, to his surprise, suddenly seemed to have a mind of his own when he no longer placidly answering Clark's questions. As the night had worn on, they began having a two-way conversation as Clark viewed things from both perspectives. Superman had even starting to ask Clark questions and they even got into a heated discussion about Lois which made Clark angry. How dare his creation ask him about her or taunt him? * * * * * * * * * * "An Interview with Superman" -- first draft by Clark Kent CLARK: Lois Lane has reported that you are from the planet Krypton, is that correct? SUPERMAN: Yes. CLARK: And you, a Kryptonian male, are like a human male? SUPERMAN: I am a man, just like you-- CLARK: That won't work with me. SUPERMAN: I function like a human male. CLARK: Well, obviously, not entirely. Human males are not invulnerable, they don't fly, they don't have your extraordinary powers. SUPERMAN: I think, feel, and look like a human. CLARK: Not good enough. Try again. SUPERMAN: I've lived my entire life like a human. I normally function like a human and have to activate my powers... CLARK: Activate your powers? Sounds like you run on batteries when you say that. How do you activate them? SUPERMAN: I will it to happen. CLARK: You will it to happen? That's convenient. I wish I could just will Lois to fall in love with me, but THAT doesn't seem to work. So, tell me, since you will things to happen, just how do you fly? What do you think about? Peter Pan? SUPERMAN: I just think about what I want to do, and do it. It's rather automatic. CLARK: And have you always flown? SUPERMAN: Just since I was eighteen. CLARK: And how did it happen the first time? SUPERMAN: I was playing close to a cliff with my dog and I wasn't paying proper attention. I accidentally backed off the cliff and began to fall. I didn't want to fall--at the time I didn't know the limits of my invulnerability--I wanted to stop falling. And suddenly I stopped falling and I flew back to the top of the cliff. CLARK: The emergency, the desire to live--self preservation-- caused you to discover you could fly? SUPERMAN: Yes. CLARK: And what about after that? SUPERMAN: Well, I was amazed and wondered if I could fly again. I looked at the sky and the clouds and wanted to fly up to them. I raised my arm in the air and concentrated on that goal. The next thing I knew I was levitating and flying through the air into those clouds. CLARK: And how fast did you fly? SUPERMAN: I don't know, but not fast. It took a tremendous amount of concentration to fly at all. Gradually, it got easier the more I practiced. In many ways it seemed to be something I did almost subconsciously without quite knowing how I did it. I just had to focus on doing it and want to do it. The more I practiced doing it the farther I could fly at one time, the higher and the faster I could go. CLARK: And how fast can you fly? SUPERMAN: Faster than a speeding bullet. CLARK: That's very original. SUPERMAN: I don't really know how fast I could go. I've never timed it, but I can fly faster than any aircraft or spacecraft we have. CLARK: And how high can you go? SUPERMAN: Well, I've flown out into space, but I can only survive without air for twenty minutes, so, however far out I can go in half that time--ten minutes-- CLARK: What about the visual stuff? What visual powers do you have? SUPERMAN: X-ray vision, heat vision, telephoto and microscopic vision. CLARK: You can see through anything? SUPERMAN: Yes, except lead. CLARK: And how do you do it? Do you always see through things? SUPERMAN: No, I have to want to see through something. It did take a certain amount of practice to perfect--not to see too much or too little--by that I mean not to look further than I wanted to. CLARK: And, ah, do you look at people with your x-ray vision. SUPERMAN: No, never, unless they have an injury and I'm just checking to see in what way they're hurt. I don't x-ray girls if that's what you mean. CLARK: A regular boy scout. No one will believe this. No one will believe you wouldn't want to do this. I bet you've looked at Lois. SUPERMAN: Never. I could never--but I have to admit I've been tempted. She is beautiful. I'm sure without-- CLARK: Cut that out! You are NOT going to do that. You're not going to take advantage of her or any woman. You've got a high standard of ethics. You're-- SUPERMAN: Boring. You've made me very boring, Clark. CLARK: Getting back to this visual stuff, you've also got telescopic vision. How far can you see? SUPERMAN: Pretty far. Out into space, actually. I do have to use a telescope to look very far out, say, at the moon or planets. I do have my limits, but I never need to use binoculars. CLARK: That's handy. And how close? SUPERMAN: Don't need to ever use a microscope. CLARK: So you've basically got zoom vision. And you just accidentally discovered this like all the rest? SUPERMAN: Yes. I just wanted to examine something closely and found that I could. The same was true about something I wanted to see which was far away. It did take a bit of practice to learn how to focus at the different distances, but I basically-- CLARK: Willed it to happen. Uh huh. I know. And exactly how strong are you? How'd you know you could lift the rocket into orbit? SUPERMAN: I don't know how strong I am exactly. If I'm on the ground and try to move something, I have to use my strength and it can sometimes be an effort. But if I'm airborne-- CLARK: Let me guess. You will it to happen just like everything else. SUPERMAN: Yes. I just experimented. I kept trying to pick up heavier and heavier objects. I had read in a newspaper how heavy the rocket--the entire space shuttle--was. I knew I had lifted heavier objects. CLARK: Okay, so what about the heat vision? Sounds dangerous. SUPERMAN: You should know. It's one of the reasons you wear glasses with lead lenses. CLARK: Flint glass. Well it is a preventive measure from accidentally using my visual powers--wait a minute, you're supposed to answer the questions. SUPERMAN: Yeah, but I don't wear glasses and you do. You were wearing glasses before your visual powers developed because you wanted to look like the Kents. They wore glasses and you wanted to be like them. Admit it. CLARK: Well, I did. I didn't look all that much like them without the glasses, especially as I got older. But we're digressing here. What about the heat vision? Answer the damn question, will you? SUPERMAN: Oh, all right. Dad was having a lot of trouble starting the fire in the fireplace. He'd nearly get it started and then it would go out. The wood was too wet. I just stared hard at the wood and wished it would catch. To my surprise these beams came from my eyes and ignited it. Now I can control the beams from ultra fine, like are used in operations, to thick bolts. CLARK: Rather dangerous, though, having heat vision. SUPERMAN: My parents thought so. I already knew I couldn't see through lead so they thought if I used flint glass for lenses in my glasses, then perhaps it would prevent my accidentally using my heat vision. CLARK: And did it? SUPERMAN: Yes. It also prevented my ever using any of my visual powers at the wrong time when someone might have noticed. CLARK: Like training wheels? SUPERMAN: You could say that. But you liked the way you looked in the glasses and now you practically wear them all the time. CLARK: Well now that I created you I really have to or someone at the Planet might recognize me. See how much trouble you're causing me. SUPERMAN: Don't blame me. But you were wearing the glasses all the time before that. Why? Why did you wear them when you arrived in Metropolis? CLARK: Wearing glasses implies having a visual handicap, having an imperfection. People--women--often stared at me when I didn't wear my glasses. It made me feel uncomfortable. I worried that maybe I didn't look like everybody else, maybe I looked a bit unusual or something. It's awkward enough having to constantly control myself and never use my powers. I don't feel like I fit in. The glasses-- SUPERMAN: Make you feel ordinary? CLARK: Well, people don't pay quite as much attention to me when I have them on. I feel more average. I feel more normal which is why I often wear them at home even when I'm alone. They also prevent me from accidentally using my visual powers without thinking. I also feel like I'm my parent's son rather than their adopted son when I wear them. So I almost always have them on in Smallville because I WISH I were their biological son. I wish I were normal like everybody else. SUPERMAN: Well if you were normal you would be spending a fortune on food. Imagine if you really got hungry and had to eat. You would probably look like a butterball eating the way you do. CLARK: You mean I wouldn't be able to "eat like an eight year old and look like Mr. Hardbody." SUPERMAN: Lois can be cute, can't she? CLARK: Cute? I think the word is "wonderful." She's just wonderful. She's also so dynamic, brilliant. Although I think she ought to lighten up a bit. I mean, she's just too intense at times. She gets so serious. I wonder if she ever has fun? She also has this tendency of babbling--I just love it when she babbles--even though I sometimes don't have a clue what on earth she's talking about. She has these temper tantrums and can get so worked up about things, get so angry at times, especially if she's wrong. She hate's being wrong. It's really funny to watch. I love watching her. She's so fiercely independent, yet so vulnerable. She just doesn't appreciate the physical danger she puts herself in. It scares me. I'm just so afraid something's going to happen to her when I'm not around. I don't know what I'd do if-- SUPERMAN: She got hurt. CLARK: Yeah. When she goes off and gets into trouble, I can actually sense it. I feel a wave of panic coming on as I worry, what if I don't get there in time or I get there and something's happened to her? I can hardly breathe. And then when she's in my arms, I don't want to ever let go of her. I'll never forget that kiss in the plane. Her mouth was so warm and soft, the smell of her hair, it was like silk in my hands-- SUPERMAN: You better be careful about her, Clark, she could figure it all out. She's a top notch prize-winning investigative reporter. She already thinks you're strange, weird. CLARK: Well, at least I don't go running about in a bright blue skin-tight suit wearing red briefs, boots, and a cape. SUPERMAN: But she likes that-- CLARK: Oh, shut up. What the hell do you eat anyway? SUPERMAN: Am I starting to irritate you? CLARK: Yes. SUPERMAN: Well I like most foods. I don't actually have to eat, but I like to. I can eat anything including plastic explosives, but that wasn't very tasty. Made me burp in front of Lois. CLARK: Well it sure was crude. Great way to make a good first impression. Very embarrassing. SUPERMAN: Actually, I think it distracted her. CLARK: And what about your invulnerability? How did you know you could fly into space or swallow the plastic explosive or intercept the missile and not be harmed? SUPERMAN: I found out things accidentally. I was in this little plane and the engine caught on fire. Then suddenly, the plane exploded. It was awful. But there wasn't anyone else on board other than me and the pilot, thank god. I think he died instantly without ever knowing what hit him. I was in mid-air falling down surrounded by all the pieces of the burning wreckage. I didn't feel like I was in pain and I just began flying away from it. I flew all the way home to Smallville non- stop. I was traumatized by it. But I was completely unhurt. Mom and Dad examined me from top to bottom and didn't find even a scratch. It was actually something of a shock to have survived that. It felt so wrong somehow. CLARK: And how about knowing you could survive in space? SUPERMAN: One day I just started flying up and kept going higher and higher and higher. When I finally looked down I realized I was outside of Earth's atmosphere. I actually panicked since I knew I couldn't live without oxygen. What if I couldn't get back down? I did a nosedive to get back. The friction caused my clothes to catch on fire. Mom sure was upset when she saw what happened to my clothes. They were practically incinerated. Dad was upset that I could have killed myself, that I could have gone out too far into space and not have been able to get back. Then I would have died of suffocation. CLARK: Which reminds me, how did you discover how long you can go without air? SUPERMAN: I've tested that underwater holding my breath and timing it. CLARK: And so, I guess, if you were bomb proof you just assumed you were bullet proof? Pretty gutsy to stand in front of a guy with a gun for the first time and watch him pull the trigger without flinching. SUPERMAN: I didn't the first time. These terrorists started shooting machine guns. They were just spraying the area with bullets. This was before the plane incident so I didn't know how invulnerable I was. I knew that I didn't get cut because I didn't when I dropped a knife in the kitchen and it hit me, and I never got scrapes or bruises like the other boys when I played football. I used to put bandages on just so I looked like I was injured like everyone else. Anyway, these guys started to shoot and I instinctively dove for cover like everybody else. As I fell, I could feel the bullets hitting me in the back like pellets. I thought I was a goner before I realized they weren't penetrating, they were bouncing off me. After the gunmen drove off, I got up. I found the remains of some of the bullets. They were absolutely flat like coins. I took off my jacket and found the back of it was covered with bullet holes. People stared at me and began pointing. I got scared and I ran away. CLARK: So tell me more about this superspeed stuff? SUPERMAN: Well I can just do things extremely fast. CLARK: And you will that to happen like all the rest? SUPERMAN: No. I just was doing something I didn't particularly want to do and Mom told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do until I finished the first thing, so I found myself going faster and faster to get it done. When I went to Mom and told her I was done, she didn't believe me. It turned out that I had done all my homework, cleaned up my room and mucked out the barn in under an hour. Now I could do all that in a matter of a few minutes. CLARK: Tell me, some people--particularly in the government or military--are concerned about you. They think you may be an advance man who was sent here to infiltrate and soften up Earthlings for the invaders. SUPERMAN: Well, that's ridiculous. Jason Trask has watched too many science fiction movies. The only thing I'd like to infiltrate is that Bureau 39 of his. I'd also like to find out where my spaceship is and get it back. I'd like to examine it see if it can tell me any more about my past. CLARK: What would you do with it after that? Destroy it the way Dad probably should have done all things considered? SUPERMAN: I don't think so. Only if absolutely necessary. I would hide it in a safe place. CLARK: It won't fit in the Fortress of Solitude. That tree house isn't big enough. SUPERMAN: I'm not stupid. I know that. I'd have to bury it somewhere on the farm where no one could find it. CLARK: What about the costume? SUPERMAN: What about it? You don't like it? CLARK: Well, sure. I chose it. I think you look good in it. It makes you look, well, super. I like the cape. I didn't think I would. SUPERMAN: Mom thinks it looks great when I fly. CLARK: That's my line. Be glad you wear the cape, it hides the zipper up the back of the costume which is most unsuper-looking not to mention hiding your butt. SUPERMAN: Well, if I was going to hide anything, I'd have the cape on the front of the costume instead of the back--I can't believe Mom said that, "They won't be looking at your face." It's embarrassing. I would never have thought about THAT if she hadn't made that crack. Now that's all I can think about. Especially now with Lois adding that I look like I've got all the PARTS of a man. CLARK: Yeah. Well, we certainly know what she was looking at when she said that. SUPERMAN: She was blushing when she said it, though. It was really cute. But Mom's right. They won't look at my face when I'm wearing something skin tight like this. Maybe the red briefs were a mistake. They're-- CLARK: Embarrassing. That's what they are. That's what the entire suit is. You look like a comic-book hero. It's... it's very embarrassing to wear now especially after Lois' comment. SUPERMAN: Definitely. But, as Mom said, no one is looking at my face when I have it on. What's the real problem you have with the suit? CLARK: I don't like Lois looking at me like that, like I'm some hunk. I don't like her wondering if I work properly like a normal guy. I feel like I ought to run around with an instruction manual I hand out. "Yes, I'm a man. All my parts function normally." I'm not a god. She called you "a Greek god," can you believe it. And she said my eyes --Clark's eyes-- were brown like mud. MUD! That's how she thinks of me. I'm mud. You're a Greek god. What am I gonna do? SUPERMAN: You want her to love you for your brains not your brawn. You are an idiot. You should've gotten a rain check on that dinner when she remembered her dinner date with Lex Luthor instead of asking her what her problem was. That really riled her. Clark, you've got it bad. CLARK: I've never felt like this about anyone before. I think about her--dream about her--all the time. That kiss-- SUPERMAN: But she didn't mean it. It was a diversionary tactic. CLARK: I felt sparks. She must have felt that, too. SUPERMAN: I doubt it. She doesn't feel anything for Clark Jerome Kent. She's dreamy about me. The way it feels flying holding her in my arms, I could hold her forever. CLARK: You're not holding her forever. What about me? She hugged me when I returned to the Planet after intercepting the missile. It seemed so real. It was wonderful holding her tightly against me like that. I didn't want to let her go. I also thought she really cared. I was so happy. Then she said that if I were alive it meant Superman was alive. I suddenly felt deflated. SUPERMAN: A bummer. She really popped your balloon when she said that. I think we can safely say she didn't care about you. She cared about me. CLARK: Yet you are NOTHING without ME. I don't want you to forget this. Just remember that you're just a figment of MY imagination. You are just a pair of tights and a cape. You don't have a life, a job, a personality. I can terminate you at any time. SUPERMAN: I don't think so. You like being me too much. I've got superpowers I can use openly. What have you got? CLARK: A headache. I think I've actually got a headache only I don't get headaches. You know what it is, don't you? It's the flying. Take away the flying and... and you know what? You're a zero. Nobody really cares about the rest, I don't think. Just why did you have to fly with her into the Planet newsroom? You moron! Why did you have to show off and go get her, fly her all over Metropolis holding her close in your arms? Are you stupid or something? SUPERMAN: But it was so wonderful holding her close, smelling her perfume, feeling her soft hair against my cheeks, her warm body... I wanted to kiss her but I didn't have the nerve. CLARK: You kiss her wearing the suit and you've really sunk the ship for me with her as Clark. I'll never get her to notice me. I hate that dreamy look she gets in her eyes when she talks about Superman. She doesn't see the real me at all. It's the damn costume. I should have had Mom make something that makes me look like the Michelin Man. Lois wouldn't be drooling over someone who looked like a set of inflated flying rubber tires. And it's the glasses. All this stuff about women preferring men who wear glasses because they look more sensitive, more intelligent... Superman should be wearing a pair of goggles. And I should be going around without glasses. Then she'd be calling me a Greek god. How am I going to keep this up anyway? If I slip up one time she'll recognize me. I can't even take the glasses off in public to clean them. SUPERMAN: Well, I can't fly wearing glasses, they'd fall off. I've always had to take them off to fly. Besides, I love the way she looks at me, looks up at me-- CLARK: You sure you don't mean looks "down at me?" It's those red briefs and my body in a skin tight costume. That's all of it along with the flying. Throw that all out and what've you got? Nothing. Nothing at all. SUPERMAN: Yeah, throw that all out and put on a suit and tie and what you've got? YOU! She's really interested in Mr. Why- Don't-We-Have-Dinner-We-Ought-To-Celebrate. CLARK: Lois would have gone out with me if she hadn't had that damn interview with Lex Luthor. I just wish I could tell her how rotten he is, but I don't have any concrete proof. But there WAS something in her eyes when she looked at me after I asked her out. SUPERMAN: If she saw something in your eyes, Clark, she probably saw mud. CLARK: Cut it out! SUPERMAN: She also called you a "hack from Nowheresville." CLARK: That was just on my first day at the Planet. I don't think she thinks that anymore especially since I scooped her on the Superman story after sending her to the Metropolis Reclamation Facility to teach her a lesson because she stole my first Superman story. SUPERMAN: And you said you can't write about yourself. I admit, the Godzilla doll with the red trunks was cute. But she also told you, "Don't fall for me, farmboy." CLARK: Too late. I'd already fallen. SUPERMAN: She also told you she's "top banana." CLARK: I'm hard at work on peeling her banana. Now, getting back on track here, tell me something about all this merchandising. You're going to make a fortune. Is that what this is all about? Getting rich quick? SUPERMAN: Hardly. I don't get paid anything and these people are raking it in. You should see some of the stuff. Have you seen the muscles they're drawing on the cartoon version? Looks like a bodybuilder. Thank god I don't really look like that or I'd never fit in my suits. But it really is starting to bug me. They're also doing it without my approval since I can't tell them who I am. CLARK: The little drawback of secret identities. SUPERMAN: You got it. CLARK: Well, it's okay really. I like working at the Daily Planet. I'd like being a journalist even if I didn't have superpowers. SUPERMAN: You mean you like being near to and working with Lois Lane. CLARK: I like that, too, of course. But you make me jealous. Sometimes I just hate you. I want her to see the man underneath that stupid suit. I want her to see me, Clark. SUPERMAN: Then take off the glasses and rip open your shirt. Show her who you are, who you really are. CLARK: But that's just it. I'm not really Superman, not all the time the way she thinks. If I showed her, told her the truth I'd never know if she was interested in the real everyday me, or just the superhero. Besides, she might not be interested anymore if she knew the truth, if she knew that Superman was really living an ordinary life like everybody else the majority of the time. I think the mysterious quality of Superman is part of her fascination, too. Not knowing who he is, is part of the appeal along with my superpowers and a red, blue and yellow form-fitting suit. It's the man underneath the suit who's the real person, the guy who longs to be with her... * * * * * * * * * * This was as far as Clark had written. He got up, stretched, then walked over to one of his closets. He slid back the door, stepped inside and tapped the false back he had recently built. A panel opened at the back of his closet revealing a large secret compartment. A couple of Superman costumes were neatly hanging on hangers from a rack. Martha had been busy with her sewing machine. Clark studied his uniform. He gazed at the large "S" symbol -- the mysterious Kryptonian character which happened to look like the letter "S" -- the flowing red cape, the blue tights. On the floor sat his pair of red boots. He heaved a sigh of relief. For a minute there he had felt as if Superman was someone else over whom he had no control. He just needed to remind himself who the real person was. Superman was still just a costume on a hanger. Clark closed the compartment, stepped out of his closet and shut the door. "Clark Kent is the real guy," he said to himself. * * * * * * * * * * * Early Monday morning Perry White strode into his office and sat down at his desk. He was barely seated when Superman came flying through the double set of glass doors above the newsroom, then landed outside Perry's office. Superman tapped politely on the door. "Superman!" Perry was out of his seat with his hand outstretched. "Ch... sir," Clark responded, catching himself in time as he walked into the office and shook Perry's hand. "I thought perhaps you might like to meet with me in person, Mr. White, after I ran into Clark Kent over the weekend. He wanted to interview me and I suggested that I meet directly with you to answer any questions you might want to ask me." The Daily Planet's Editor-In-Chief gazed at the imposing figure of the Man Of Steel as he stood before him with his arms crossed. Perry nodded at him waving his hand towards a chair. "Please have a seat, Superman." As Superman sat down, Perry walked across his office and shut the door so that they could have some privacy. * * * * * * * * * * * * Less than thirty minutes later Clark Kent was sitting in the warm cozy kitchen of his parent's farmhouse eating a plate of scrambled eggs with a pile of banana pancakes, bacon and coffee. "So what did he say to you, Clark?" Clark grinned. "Well, after I sat down he told me what a great job I was doing. He asked me a couple basic questions about my powers: how fast could I fly, my visual powers, my strength, my invulnerability, that sort of thing. He then asked me what my intentions were and I told him pretty much the same thing I told Lois embellishing it a bit. This took all of five minutes. Then he began regaling me with Elvis stories for about twenty minutes until I excused myself on the pretext of an emergency." Martha and Jonathan burst out laughing. Clark smiled and shook his head. "I can't believe what I put myself through this weekend trying to write this thing, going through innumerable rewrites, before it occurred to me that it might be simpler to pay Perry a visit wearing the suit. I figured that nothing he could possibly ask me would be as tough as what I had asked myself." Jonathan patted Clark on the back, "Good thinking, Son." He exchanged warm glances with Martha who smiled back at him. Martha took a sip of her coffee and frowned as a thought suddenly occurred to her. "But what if he had asked you your name, Clark?" Martha asked. "Well, I decided I would tell him the truth." "What! You were going to tell him you're Clark Kent?" "No, Mom," Clark laughed, "no. Hardly that. I just decided that I'd tell him I didn't know what my real name, my Kryptonian name, was and that since the name Lois had given me, Superman, had caught on, I'd like to stick with that. But he never asked." After breakfast, Clark placed the pages of his article in the living room fireplace and incinerated them with his heat vision. It was too dangerous to have them lying around. But he had moved his article onto a floppy diskette from his laptop's hard drive and encrypted it with a password which only he would ever be able to decipher. Clark left the diskette in a very safe place at the farm. As he streaked across the sky wearing his now world-famous costume on his way back to Metropolis and work at the Daily Planet, Clark thought to himself that maybe one day, if he was lucky, he'd be able to give the article to Lois to read. Maybe one day... THE END