Disquiet Nights (Like Dreamers Do)
by Shawn V. <Kirshnera@aol.com>
Rated PG-13
Submitted November 1998


First of all, let me say that my author's note is a novelette in 
itself, but I would appreciate if you read my ramblings. But, if 
you don't want to hear about the story ideas, MAJOR plot clues, 
and stuff like that, just read the last paragraph and you'll be 
fine.

This story is my second attempt at a really long story. (The first 
one was "Purple Haze.") It was inspired mostly by "Great 
Expectations"-- the book, not the movie, and by songs on Fiona 
Apple's CD "Tidal." As you can probably guess from my sources of 
inspiration, it's not quite a cheerful romp with Lois and Clark. I 
had just finished reading GE in my English class, and I was 
supposed to write a parody of it for a project. Naturally, I 
wanted to do L&C, but I eventually decided not to, since a) if I 
did it for English class, I would have to watch my grammar, my 
language, and the length of the story, as well as.... shall we say 
subject material, and b) a parody is supposed to be funny. So I 
wrote a funny little parody, but my L&C ideas just wouldn't quit. 
For those of you familiar with the book (and you all should be-- 
it's a classic! And it's really good too! yeah, right<g>) Clark is 
cast as Pip, but quite a bit less clueless, less stupid, and 
obviously he's not trying to marry up a class or two. Lois is 
Estella, but only in the way she treats "Pip" and then not quite 
like that. Lex Luthor is Bentley Drummle. (Yes, "the spider" <g>) 
I guess Jimmy would be Herbert, but he doesn't play much of a role 
in the story.

Pet peeves that forced me to write this were as follows: Lois 
being a bitch and Clark just taking it and taking it. Clark being 
nice forever and ever, although he has a perfect right to be 
furious. Cotton candy fluff fic in which Lois and Clark go from 
"friends" to "in love" for no apparent reason. All of these things 
have their places, and I will even admit to having written such 
things myself, but they do not work in full length dramas.

The Fiona Apple song that inspired me was "Shadow Boxer," 
especially the lyrics "So darling I just want to say/just in case 
I don't come through/I was on to every play/I just wanted you" and 
"Oh you creep up like the clouds/and you set my soul at ease/then 
you let your love abound/and you bring me to my knees"

You'll probably (probably?!!) be happy to know that I rejected the 
idea of ending the story by having Lois suicide, or have Lex's 
baby, or have Clark's baby and die in childbirth, or live the rest 
of her life in misery. I considered all of those as possible 
endings, but I realized that I could not end the story with Clark 
happy if Lois was not with him. So, although by the middle of the 
story, Lois DEFINITELY does not deserve happiness, she will earn 
it in the end. Clark will also be happy. Everybody will be happy. 
Except for Lex and Mrs. Cox, who will definitely not be happy, 
which makes everybody else even happier. There you have my promise 
of a happy ending. I just hope that un-scares whoever was scared 
away from reading my story.

All of the songs were written by yours truly for the sole purpose 
of enriching my fanfic. If you must sing, go ahead and sing 'em to 
whatever tune you want. :) Clark's cats are reincarnations of old 
pets of mine, my parents', and my mom's while she was growing up. 
(Not included are our new kittens, Merlin and Clarkie, who 
encouraged me to use feline cast members. Guess which kitten is 
mine and which is my mom's! <g>) Super thanks to my sisters, 
Rachel(the Beatle-freak) and Laura(Monkee-maniac and aka WaFFle!), 
especially Rachel, both of whom helped me with plot lines. The 
time frame is late first season. I took a few liberties with the 
show-- I command you to forget the name Ariana Carlin and to 
forget any knowledge of a certain treehouse in Kansas. Enjoy!


DISQUIET NIGHTS (LIKE DREAMERS DO) by Shawn V. 
(Kirshnera@aol.com Kirshnera on the IRC)


"Oh, come on, Clark. I need somebody to go with me."

"Why don't you just ask Lex?" he said, a little bit testily. Lois 
had been getting quite tight with Lex recently, and it was really 
starting to worry him.

"I don't think Lex would make a real great drinking buddy, Clark. 
He doesn't go in much for *party* parties. He's more of a black 
tie gala affair guy."

"Oh, and I'm the kind who hangs out in bars?"

"No, I didn't say that, it's just, you're... more flexible. 
Please?"

Clark sighed. This was what he hated. She was going out with Lex, 
but she was going out with *him* as a friend. She had no idea how 
hard it was to go out with her just to be her pal. No idea at all. 
Yet he knew he'd agree. Despite the pain, he had to get close to 
her. "I guess, Lois."

She smiled. "Great! I'll pick you up at 7, okay?"

"Sure." He even managed to smile while saying it.

"Okay, I'm going home now, but I'll see you in a few hours."

"Okay. Goodbye, Lois."

"Bye!" She picked her coat up off the rack and put it on. She 
stacked all her papers up and clicked the light off on her desk. 
The computer was already off. With a wave of her hand, she left 
the building.

Clark sighed again. How could she not know how he felt about her? 
And all she could see was Lex, not him, not what Lex had done, 
really not very much at all. And there was nothing he could do 
about it. Well, almost nothing. He supposed he could always go the 
route of coming to her as Superman. She'd forget about Lex then. 
But if he did that, she'd forget about Clark, too, and he *was* 
Clark.

Drinking buddy. Great. Her drinking buddy, her pal, her best 
friend, her confidant. That was a lot, especially from Lois. She 
didn't let people get close to her, and this was pretty close. 
And, as for Lex, well, he supposed that Lex was close to her in a 
different way. He probably didn't know her very well, and she 
didn't know him very well. Sometimes it seemed like that was as 
well as Lois wanted to know the man she was dating. Why? Was she 
afraid that if she got to know him too deeply she wouldn't like 
him any more? It was true, but did she subconsciously realize it?

He shook his head to clear it of depressing thoughts, and turned 
his mind instead to the party in front of them. One of Lois' 
friends from college was having a big party celebrating an acting 
job she had gotten. The party was over in Tyra's Pub, a smoky, 
sleazy bar that was usually filled with drunks. It occasionally 
got dangerous, when some smashed guy would start trying to show 
his superior strength by beating up on the rest of the people 
there. There were usually some sort of illegal drugs there, and if 
there weren't, there were drug pushers. It was a big place, very 
popular. Not somewhere either of the two would normally go, but 
oh, well. They'd probably have a good time.

**********************

Clark opened the door to Lois, who, like him, was dressed in a t-
shirt and jeans. "You ready?" she asked.

"Yup," he replied. "Let's go."

They got into Lois' car and drove off, toward the bar. As Lois 
drove, she was thinking about a lot of things. Clark, mostly. It 
had occurred to her that she didn't want to go to this party with 
Lex. It wasn't really that he didn't like this kind of thing, that 
he would be out of place, although he surely would; there was 
something else. She didn't really want Lex to come with her, to be 
with her when she was drunk, if she got drunk. She didn't really 
trust him all that much. It was fine if she was in control of her 
actions, but there was no way she was going to go somewhere with 
him where there was a chance that she would not be. Besides, she 
didn't want Lex to see her like that. It was more than an issue of 
trusting him; it was an issue of trusting herself. Alcohol dulled 
inhibitions, worsened judgment. Lex had never seen her when she 
completely let go, and she had no intention of ever letting him 
see her that way.

But with Clark, it was different. He could be trusted, completely. 
Getting smashed with him would be nothing to be afraid of. They 
were close enough that she wouldn't be embarrassed if she totally 
lost control and acted stupid. Lord knew she'd done that enough 
times that he was used to it by now. He knew her that well. He 
knew all of the sides to her personality, and none of them 
disgusted or alarmed him. And she didn't have to worry about him 
getting drunk; the man seemed to have an immense capacity to drink 
safely. All the times they'd gone undercover together at bars, or 
gone drinking with a person they wanted to interview, all those 
times, she had never once seen him go over his limit, although she 
had seen him drink quite a bit. She had asked him about it once.

"Clark? How do you do that?"

"Do what?" he had responded.

"*That*!" she had replied, pointing at the shotglass. "You can 
drink more than anyone I've ever met, and you're never drunk!"

"Oh, I don't know. Alcohol just... never seems to affect me."

It was strange, she'd admitted to herself at the time, and it was 
still strange now, but it was a good thing. So by going to the bar 
with Clark, she had someone who would keep her from making a fool 
of herself, get her safely home, and not... take advantage of her 
or anything. Besides, she would have a better time with Clark than 
she would with Lex. He was so... stuffy sometimes. Such a high-
society snob. Even with her creative imagination, she couldn't 
picture him partying in a bar. He'd sit there with the most 
expensive drink he could find and look down his nose at all the 
beer-chugging people dancing their hearts out, talking loudly, and 
having fun. No, there was no way she could bring him to a party 
like this.

And she couldn't say she was disappointed to have Clark instead. 
Clark was a lot of fun, he'd blend right in, he wouldn't embarrass 
her by being weird, and, well, she had to admit he *was* pretty 
gorgeous.

She glanced surreptitiously at Clark now. The t-shirt he was 
wearing stretched across his broad shoulders, straining to cover 
his muscular form. He certainly was well-defined!

Just then, Tyra's came into sight. It was more like a nightclub 
than a bar, but it had started as a bar and retained that name and 
reputation. Lois parked in the parking lot, which was fairly full, 
even for a Friday night. They got out of the car and walked into 
the bar. They were immediately greeted by pulsing lights, loud 
music, almost as loud voices, and the sickly sweet aroma of 
cigarette smoke.

A woman who was dancing not too far away spotted them as they 
walked in. "Lois!" She mouthed, and ran over to her. Actually, she 
had probably screamed the name, but the decibels exploding across 
the room drowned out the sound. They could hear her when she came 
over to them. She ran up and hugged Lois tightly.

"Angie!" Lois exclaimed. "It's so great to see you! How have you 
been?"

"Oh, just fine, Lolo." She pulled back and looked at Clark for the 
first time. "Whoa! I guess you've been doing pretty good for 
yourself! *Who* is *this*?"

Lois smiled a little. "This is Clark Kent. We work together at the 
Daily Planet."

"Well, well, well. Aren't you the lucky one! But don't bring him 
over to the old marrieds over there," she said pointing to a group 
of couples. "It'll start fights." She laughed and spotted another 
old friend, this one a good-looking guy. "Excuse me," she said. 
"Destiny awaits!" She ran off to talk to the guy.

"Lolo?" Clark asked.

"Old nickname," Lois responded. "Come on, I want to find Jenny."

"The actress?"

"Yeah. If I know her, she's over by the bar. Let's go."

Clark allowed himself to be dragged by the arm over to the bar, 
where Lois found her old college buddy, Jenny. "Hey, Jenny!" Lois 
exclaimed.

"Hey, girl! It's so great to see you! I heard you were going with 
Lex Luthor!"

"Yeah..." Lois said.

"But, hey, who's this?" she said, gesturing to Clark. "He's not 
Lex."

"No, this is my friend Clark. Lex... doesn't do well with this 
type of crowd."

"You want my advice, honey?" Jenny took Lois aside and whispered. 
"Stick with Clark. Lex is... nice, I'm sure, but this guy is... 
whoa."

Lois grinned as they rejoined Clark. "Thanks, Jenny."

"No problemo, Lolo. What are friends for?"

The bartender came up to them. "What'll you guys have?" he asked. 
They all ordered drinks and sat by the bar, talking for about half 
an hour. Then Jenny wandered off to say hi to some of her other 
invitees, leaving Lois and Clark to their own devices.

"You wanna dance?" Clark asked.

"Um, sure." She hopped off the stool she was sitting on and went 
with Clark onto the dance floor. They made an adorable couple, and 
both of them were good dancers, so quite a few of the people 
around them were unobtrusively watching them. By the end of the 
second song, there was actually a semblance of a circle forming 
around the two. The third song was a slow ballad, and Lois moved 
silently into Clark's arms for it.

He pulled her close, his hands gently stroking her back, wishing 
that he could hold her like this all the time, wishing that she 
was enjoying it as much as he was. Lois snuggled close in Clark's 
embrace, comfortable and secure. She listened to the words of the 
song only minimally, but Clark heard them painfully clearly.

If I could only tell you 
I could only find the words 
To express what's contained here 
Which through my heart burns 
 
When I see you every morning 
And I long to pull you near 
And tell you everything I know 
My dreams, my hopes, my fears. 
 
My pleasant little daydreams 
of things we never said 
Things we've never done before 
Only in my head 
And I'd whisper that I love you 
And I know you'd understand 
But until then, 
I'll just be your friend. 
 
It's so hard sometimes to know you 
But to stay arm's length away 
Makes it harder still to love you 
But I know there is a way 
 
Someday I know I'll tell you 
Like I'm always wishing to 
And then, wrapped up together 
We're forever-- me and you. 
 
Like my pleasant little daydreams 
of things we never said 
Things we've never done before 
Only in my head 
And I'd whisper that I love you 
And I know you'd understand 
But until then, 
I'll just be your friend. 
 
Until that day 
'Til there's a way 
To say the words 
I'm longing to 
I'll keep my dreams 
My plans and schemes 
Keep holding on 
There to protect me are 
 
My pleasant little daydreams 
of things we never said 
Things we've never done before 
Only in my head 
And I'd whisper that I love you 
And I know you'd understand 
But until then, 
I'll just be your friend. 
 
Until then, 
I'll just be your friend. 

Then the song was over, and Lois found herself very close to 
Clark, dancing cheek to cheek with him. She pulled back a little, 
embarrassed. It was too bad, though. She really loved the feel of 
his body against hers. She really loved... no, she didn't. She did 
*not*. No way. Impossible. What was she thinking?





"Clark, excuse me for a minute," she said, then ran off to the 
ladies' room. It was empty, except for one woman who was washing 
her hands and would be gone in ten seconds. Lois went over and sat 
down in a folding chair that was in the room. She put her head in 
her hands, thinking to herself. "Oh, what am I doing? What's going 
on? I probably shouldn't have come here, not with Clark." She 
stood up and went over to the mirror, looking at herself in it. 
She looked kind of pale, and she supposed it was from being 
surprised.

Looking at her face, she set her expression to a determined smile. 
She didn't feel anything for Clark. He was just her friend. The 
attraction was just the magic of the slow dance combined with the 
fact that Clark really was quite handsome. No more slow dances, 
and everything would be fine, right? Right. Now, she'd better get 
back out there before he wondered if something was wrong.

Clark sat on a stool at the bar, wondering what had happened. Lois 
had seemed to be so nice and all soft and melty in his arms. It 
was so sweet. But then after the dance was over, she had looked 
like a startled doe and had run off. What was that all about? She 
had actually looked quite scared. What could she be scared of?

But his thoughts were cut off by her arrival. She sat on the stool 
next to him and ordered a drink. They sat and talked and drank, 
and drank and talked, and talked and drank, for at least two 
hours, even though Clark warned her not to drink so much. By then, 
Clark's figure seemed to be a bit blurred to Lois' eyes, even 
though she wasn't squinting.

Lois blinked a couple of times at her partner. He really *was* 
very, very attractive. "Hey, Clark, let's dance again," she 
suggested.

"Okay, Lois," he replied. "You've had a little too much to drink 
already." They hopped off the stools and went back onto the dance 
floor. Once they were there, he realized just how close Lois was 
to him. Not as close as she had been during that slow dance, but 
still... close. And she seemed to be enjoying it. Well, great! 
Except, she looked a little hazy. He frowned slightly. That must 
be it; she was just a bit smashed.

A bit? Not likely. Clark quickly figured in his head how many 
drinks she'd had, how long it had been, and her body weight.... 
Her blood-alcohol concentration was well over the legal limit, he 
was sure.

Lois, for her part, was having a great time. She inched forward to 
Clark every opportunity she got. He was a good dancer, she 
reflected. She put one hand on his shoulder and smiled up at him. 
Much to her excitement, he smiled back, with that 100-watt zinger 
she knew so well. Oooh, that always made her feel warm all over.

This was a wonderful evening. The only thing that would make it 
better would be... "Clark? Are you almost ready to leave?"

"What? Oh, yeah, if you want to," he answered, raising his voice 
to compete with the level of the music.

"I do. Let's get another drink and then leave."

"Okay, but I think you've had quite a bit already."

Lois shrugged her shoulders loosely. "It's a party, Clark. Party a 
little. There are at least ten different drinks I haven't tried 
yet..."

"Lois!"

"Kidding! Come on." She had this silly grin stuck on her face. 
"Loosen *up*, babe." She giggled a little bit and led him over to 
the bar for another round of drinks.

"I'm really glad I'm driving," said Clark.

"What?"

"I said I'm really glad I'm driving instead of you. You'd get us 
both killed."

"Paranoid," she told him.

Clark rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right."

In a few minutes, they were ready to leave. Lois said a rather 
slurred goodbye to all of her friends and they went out the door. 
The sky was black and a chilly breeze was blowing. Lois' hair 
whipped around her head, getting in her mouth. She spit it out and 
shivered. "It's so cold!" she exclaimed. No sooner were the words 
out of her mouth than it began to rain. It was sprinkling at 
first, for all of about seven seconds. Then it really began to 
come down. Lois and Clark ran for the car and got in quickly. They 
pulled out of the parking lot and were soon out on the street.

Lois had flipped on the radio and cranked up the volume. She was 
singing along, albeit rather off-key, to the words she apparently 
didn't know as well as she seemed to think she did. The rain beat 
heavily on the windshield, and it was all the windshield wipers 
could do to keep the view clear enough to see through. The 
headlights illuminated thousands of drops of rain as well as the 
road ahead of them. The gentle swish-swish of the windshield 
wipers could not be heard over the music. Neither could the 
raindrops hitting the car.

"Come on, Lois," Clark shouted over the radio. "Maybe we should 
turn the music down, just a little?"

"It's more fun this way!" Lois exclaimed in return. But then she 
thought better of it. Maybe Clark was right. He had an annoying 
habit of doing that sometimes. She reached out and switched the 
radio to a station that was playing classical music and turned the 
volume down low. The change in background noise totally altered 
the atmosphere of the car. Now it was close and romantic. Lois 
moved over next to Clark and snuggled up to him. "How's this?" she 
murmured, running her hand up and down his deliciously muscular 
thigh.

"Lois, please." Clark took her hand and moved it away, although he 
*really* didn't want to. "I don't envy you the hangover you're 
going to have tomorrow.

She put one arm around him, and the other hand on his chest, 
mumbling something about alcoholic beverages.

"Too much. Way over your limit," Clark responded.

She let her hand slowly wander down to his stomach, but then, as 
she tried to move further downward, Clark took her hand, once 
again foiling her plans. So she just let her fingers trace 
abstract designs on Clark's thigh. He let that go. He had more 
important things to worry about. Like driving. "Lois? Why don't 
you give it a rest?" he suggested. "You're ripped."

"I know, but it's kinda nice," she giggled. Clark sighed. 
"Besides, the whole point of getting drunk is to say and do things 
you wouldn't."

"Lois, there are *reasons* people don't do things when they don't 
do them."

"Don't be silly." It was useless to try to reason with her. She 
was too smashed to understand anything but her own strange logic.

Clark tried to, anyway. "Why don't you take a nap or something? 
There's still a half hour before we get you home."

"Oh-kay." She put her head down on Clark's lap.

"Fine, Lois. Go to sleep." Then he stiffened suddenly. "No, no, 
not fine. Get up. Stop." He pulled her back to a sitting position. 
This was going to be a loooong drive. "Make up your mind, Clark. 
Up or down or up or down..." she said, a giggly grin on her face.

"I *said* go to *sleep,* *not*..." he broke off with a sigh.

"Not what?" She asked innocently.

Clark just shook his head. "Please, go to sleep."

"Kay." Her head once more headed for his lap, but this time he 
intercepted it.

"No, no, *no*!" he exclaimed, exasperated.

"I was just going to take a nap, like you *told* me," she said as 
if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Sheesh. Who can 
fathom the male mind?" Clark rolled his eyes as she put her head 
in his lap.

"I know a lot about you," she said, a few minutes later.

"Yes, you do."

"I don't know some important things, though."

"Oh? Like what?"

"How come you're never drunk? Or high?"

"I'm not into drugs, and I don't drink as much as some people in 
this car."

"Liar. You drank just as much as me."

"Fine. I hold my alcohol better."

"Okay. What's up those stairs at your house?"

"An attic."

"What's in the attic?"

"Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Books. Old articles I've written. Souvenirs from around the 
world."

"Oh. I want to go see it some time."

"Okay. I'll take you up there if I remember."

"Okay. Can you speak Japanese? You look sorta Japanese."

"Yes."

"Do you like sushi?"

"Yes."

"*I* like sushi, too. See? That's important."

"Very important," he agreed. If agreeing with her worked, who 
cared what he said? All he had to do was get her home, and so he 
needed to play along for a while.

"Have you ever had a car?"

"No, but I had a motorcycle in college."

"Boxers or briefs?"

"Let's go back to the motorcycle."

"Fine," she sighed. "What made you get rid of it?"

"I didn't use it much any more. I might get another one someday, 
just for fun."

"You should. You'd look really hot on a motorcycle. *I* want a 
motorcycle."

"Uh huh."

"No, really. It'd be fun."

"Do you know how to drive one?"

"Sure. Anybody can. Would you pose on it for me?"

"Of course I would."

"Thanks. That's a good thing."

"Yeah. I guess."

Lois yawned a little. "Finally!" thought Clark.

"Goodnight, Clark."

"'Night, Lois."

"Goodnight, Clark."

"Goodnight, Lois."

"Goodnight, Clark."

"Good*night*, Lois!"

She giggled softly, then went to sleep. Twenty-five minutes later, 
Clark parked Lois' car and woke her up to get her out.

"Are we home?" she asked.

"Yup. Can you walk inside, or do you need me to carry you?" In 
retrospect, it was probably a stupid question.

"Carry me? Please?"

"Okay." He scooped her up into his arms. She snuggled up to him, 
nuzzling his neck. He carried her up the stairs to the third 
floor, grateful that the rain had stopped. He used his key to open 
the door to 501. He carried her into the bedroom and set her down 
on the bed. "Think you can handle it from here?"

She nodded and he turned to leave.

"Clark?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

"You're welcome, Lois."

"Wanna stay?"

"No, I have to go home."

"Come on, have a little fun. Want a drink?"

"No, and neither do you. Go to bed."

"I'll go to bed with *you,*" she offered.

"Uh-uh. I'm leaving."

"You don't *have* to leave. You could stay for a coupla hours."

"Not really." No way could he stay there with her like this. 
Despite his knowledge of her drunken state, she could be very... 
persuasive. And he most definitely did not want to be persuaded. 
"Goodbye, Lois."

"Bye." Her voice sounded small and defeated.

He turned to leave again, but she called him back. "No goodnight 
kiss?"

Clark sighed. "Fine." He came over and kissed her lightly on the 
cheek. She attempted to pull him onto the bed with her but he 
backed off.

"Damn boy scout," she complained.

"You'll thank me in the morning," he laughed. "Goodnight, Lois."

"*I* can make it a *better* night."

So he tried again. "Good*bye,* Lois."

"Fine, just leave me like this."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" he asked, and immediately 
regretted the question, as the answer revealed itself as obvious.

"I want you to strip, strip *me,* and then..."

"Nevermind, forget I asked," Clark interrupted. "Goodbye." And 
this time, when he turned to leave, he left.

*******************************

It was the next day, at the Daily Planet. The smell of coffee 
lingered in the air, and the sounds of people busy working filled 
the reporters' ears. Lois walked in slightly late, and Clark 
looked up as she passed his desk. "Morning, Lois. How are you 
feeling?"

"Okay, I guess, considering."

"Good. I told you not to drink so much."

"Sorry. I should've listened. Maybe I should listen to you more 
often."

"What? Lois? Are you sure you're feeling better?"

"Can it, Kent."

"A little cranky, are we?"

"Better stop now, before I kill you. I'm not in the mood for 
this."

"Oh? What are you in the mood for?" He batted his eyelashes 
dramatically at her.

Lois rolled her eyes. She had left herself wide open for that one. 
She had no good remark, so she just shot back a threat. "Clark, if 
you don't shut up, I'm going to have to throttle you."

"No, I know you wouldn't hurt me." His voice dropped to a stage 
whisper. "Not after last night." Clark was well aware that there 
were many people who had begun to listen in on their conversation, 
and that was why he was enjoying it so much.

"Clark, you idiot, I was drunk!" Reflecting upon her words after 
they had left her mouth, she realized that that was probably an 
interesting comment for their audience to hear.

"Oh, I remember." He winked conspiratorially.

Lois decided to surrender. Even if she won, it would definitely be 
a Pyrrhic victory-- hardly worth it. "Clark, let's get to work."

"Fine," he agreed, and they did.

Lois went to her desk and flipped on her computer. She was rather 
distracted by memories, however. She had quite shamelessly pursued 
Clark, hadn't she? And he had resisted all her plays. She didn't 
remember exactly what she had said to him, but little scenes were 
coming back to her. It was actually kind of funny, everything that 
had happened. Clark was quite a gentleman, despite his teasing 
this morning.

That was as far as his un-gentlemanly behavior went, in fact. 
Teasing. Other than that, he always treated everyone with respect. 
Even her. Lord knew she didn't deserve it after the way she'd 
treated him! It had taken quite a while for her to acknowledge the 
fact that Clark Kent was not, in fact, dirt, or something less 
pleasant, but a living, breathing person. A living, breathing 
person with manners!

She only had a short time to think about the events of the night 
before, because a story was brought to their attention almost 
immediately. They left the Planet and went down to the New Troy 
Bank to write about the robbery that had just occurred. It seemed 
that nobody in the bank could remember any details during or 
immediately before the robbery, but that might just have been 
Lois' take on it. They did eventually get all the information that 
they could, but it took a lot of patient questioning, mostly done 
by Clark, as Lois was not the patient kind.

After that, there was a murder on Carlon Avenue and a suicide on 
Lyndale Drive. Lois and Clark were extremely busy, running around 
the entire day. By the time they got to go home, they were both 
beat. Lois was especially worn out because she had not been 
feeling all that well this morning.

Lois and Clark were driving down the road in Lois' jeep. Lois, for 
the second time recently, was in the passenger seat, being a good 
deal more exhausted than Clark was after all the events of today. 
Clark looked over at her and sighed. She looked so weary, and like 
she needed quite a bit of special care to make her feel better. So 
when he said to her, "Come on, Lois. You look like you need some 
pampering. Let's go over to my place, watch a movie or two, and 
just let me take care of you. Okay?" he meant it as one friend to 
the other, nothing more.

"Well..." Lois wasn't sure what to say. The idea of having Clark 
"pampering" her *was* pretty appealing, and she bet he could make 
her feel really good, but there was a nagging voice in her head 
telling her that she should be doing this with Lex. She opted to 
ignore it. "Okay." She smiled a little, trying not to hear the 
guilty little voices, the one telling her it was not nice to Lex 
to feel so good being with Clark and the other telling her it was 
not nice to Clark to like him so much but stay with Lex. She was 
just going to have a nice evening. An evening with Clark. Perhaps 
an intimate dinner and relaxing conversation. Perhaps more.

When they got to Clark's house, Clark parked the jeep and they 
both got out. Clark would have opened Lois' door for her, but she 
was too quick and was on the curb before he even shut his door. He 
did, however, get to open his apartment door for her.

"Sit down, take off your shoes, get comfortable," Clark invited. 
"I'll cook something for us. Any preferences?"

"Mmm. Surprise me." A smile tugged at her lips at the thought of 
Clark cooking for her. Of course, it wouldn't be a surprise, as 
she fully intended to go into the kitchen and watch him cook.

"Okay. But first, I'm going to change. You're welcome to borrow 
anything in my closet or dresser, if you want to change, too."

"Yeah, thanks."

Clark went into his bedroom and quickly changed into a t-shirt and 
jeans, not at super-speed, but at the speed of a human male. And, 
as everyone knows, the human male can change clothes at 
approximately .0000125 the speed of light.* He came back into the 
living room, where Lois was sitting on the couch. "Go ahead. I'll 
be in the kitchen, deciding what to make."

[*the speed of light is roughly 3.00 x 10^8 m/s, or for the less 
scientifically inclined, 300,000,000 m/s. A closer measure, which 
can be used if more accuracy is desired, is 299,792,458 m/s. Clark 
changing clothes at any fraction of the speed of light is merely a 
figure of speech, and cannot be figured directly, because Clark 
does not change clothes in the same units that light travels in, 
namely meters per second.]

Lois walked into Clark's bedroom with a little grin on her face. 
She opened the closet, but found nothing but suits and ties there. 
Nothing she could change into to be more comfortable. She walked 
over to his dresser and pulled the top drawer open. There were 
some t-shirts and sweatshirts there. She grabbed a dark blue 
sweatshirt that said "We're on a mission from God," and had a 
picture of the Blues Brothers on it. She shut the drawer. The 
second drawer had more sweatshirts and t-shirts. The third had 
jeans, sweatpants, and shorts. She grabbed a pair of black shorts 
that had elastic at the top and would probably fit her. It was a 
good thing that Clark had a pretty lean waist. What size would he 
wear in women's clothing? Ten? Fourteen? Twelve? Lois giggled a 
little at the bizarre thought.

She took off her dress suit and stockings and put on the shorts 
and sweatshirt. Then she folded her outfit carefully so that it 
didn't wrinkle. She looked at herself in Clark's full length 
mirror and smiled. The clothes were a little baggy, and she looked 
kind of childish and cute, if she did say so herself. She was 
comfortable, anyway, in Clark's clothes.

She wandered barefoot into the kitchen, creeping up behind Clark, 
putting her hands on his arms and her chin on his shoulder. 
"What're we cooking?" she asked softly into his ear.

Clark smiled at the feeling. "Nothing yet. And anyway, you aren't 
cooking. I am. So you can watch or go watch TV or whatever."

"I wanna watch," Lois said. She jumped up onto the counter and 
crossed her legs, smiling sweetly at Clark.

Clark grinned back. She looked so cute, sitting there in his 
clothes, on his kitchen counter... He was glad he'd suggested it. 
He started to get the stuff out he'd need for a simple pasta dish, 
and then realized that the pot he normally used to boil the water 
was in the cabinet above Lois' head. He walked over to her and 
leaned forward.

Lois was surprised by his actions, and was confused. She suffered 
a moment of panic, not knowing what he was doing, and not knowing 
what she was supposed to do. Clark rescued her unknowingly by 
asking her to move forward a little so that he didn't hit her on 
the head with the cupboard door. Relieved, she did as he asked. 
Clark reached over and up, moving other pans out of the way to get 
the one he wanted. This action placed their faces very close 
together.

Lois could feel his hot breath on her lips, and the heat of his 
body seemed to surround her. It felt... cozy, but with a certain 
amount of tension, just enough to be thrilling. All too soon, 
Clark pulled away with the dish he'd wanted. Lois bit her lip in 
embarrassment at what she'd been feeling. Okay, so he was really 
sexy and really sweet, and really close to her. Was that any 
reason to get all hot? Well... maybe. And she had to admit, she 
*was* sexually attracted to Clark. There was no denying that. Who 
wouldn't be?

As she was thinking these things, she was watching Clark measure 
water into the pan he had just gotten. The way his muscles rippled 
under the tight t-shirt gave her goosebumps. At first, she tried 
to stop herself from thinking this way, but then she just let it 
go. He had to know she was attracted to him, and she was almost 
positive he felt the same way. And since they were best friends, 
why not... indulge each other by being the object of and maybe 
satisfying a little bit of lust? It was one of the perks of having 
a best friend of the opposite sex. She was tired of fighting her 
attraction to him. She knew she'd eventually give in sometime, and 
now was as good as any.

Clark put the pot of water on to boil and moved over to Lois. "Now 
we've got a few minutes," he said. He walked fairly close to her, 
and she put her hands on his shoulders. "What do you want to do?"

Lois gulped, suddenly feeling the full effect of the extremely 
suggestive position they were in. She was sitting on the counter, 
arms on Clark's shoulders. He was leaning against the counter 
between her legs, hands on her waist. If she moved forward just a 
couple of inches.... It would be so easy. She wondered if Clark 
could hear her heart racing.

Clark felt the sudden urge to blush furiously at how close he had 
placed himself to Lois. He backed up, looking at the floor. He'd 
had no business doing that, moving up to her like that or putting 
his hands on her waist. Of course, she *had* put her hands on his 
shoulders and uncrossed her legs to allow him to move closer. It 
had certainly seemed like an invitation. Had it been one?

Lois felt embarrassed because she had obviously embarrassed Clark. 
She jumped off of the counter, which placed her, once again, close 
to Clark, their bodies almost touching. Clark quickly stepped 
backward, startled. He wasn't sure what she was thinking, but 
*his* thoughts were entirely too clear.

"Let's, ah, start a movie," Lois suggested.

"Sure," said Clark. They walked into the living room. "What do you 
want to see?"

"Something light."

"How about 'The Breakfast Club'?"

"Ah, a cult hit of the '80s. Great." Lois allowed herself a 
delighted grin as she watched Clark move over to the videos and 
bend to look for the one he wanted. 'Damn,' she thought, 'I'm 
gonna like this!' She smothered her countenance back to a friendly 
smile as Clark turned around, the lustful gleam in her eyes 
diminishing enough to be undetectable. Well, almost undetectable. 
It didn't matter, she concluded, because Clark would figure it out 
soon enough.

Clark sat on the couch after putting the movie in the VCR and 
turning it on. It was rewound from the last time he had watched 
it. Lois had figured him for that type of person. His apartment 
was incredibly neat for a bachelor pad-- it only seemed natural 
that all his videos would be rewound.

Lois moved closer to Clark, resting her head on his shoulder. She 
shifted a couple of times to get comfortable. Clark put his arm 
around her and she smiled, leaning into him contentedly. Despite 
nagging doubts about Lex, Lois was enjoying herself. She'd never 
promised Lex that she'd date only him, or that she would stay away 
from other men.

Clark felt confused. Lois seemed like she liked him... really 
*liked* him, all of a sudden. She was snuggling up against him, 
and then there was that incident in the kitchen. The more he 
thought about it, the more he realized that stuff like that didn't 
just accidentally happen. *Had* it been an invitation? What was 
she trying to do here? Whatever it was, it was great. He felt 
almost overwhelmed by her, but thrilled at the same time. Maybe 
after all this time of one-sided love, she was finally coming to 
love him.

Glancing at him sideways, Lois realized that Clark wasn't paying 
much attention to the movie. She grinned, attempting to guess what 
he was thinking. She cuddled up a bit closer to him, placing her 
hand on his thigh. Pretty comfortable.

They sat that way for a little while. Then, Clark excused himself 
to go check to see if the water was boiling. He didn't really need 
to check; he knew it was boiling. He just had to put the pasta in. 
Lois followed him into the kitchen, watching as he poured spiral 
macaroni into the boiling water and put another pot on the stove. 
He didn't put anything in it yet, and did not turn on the flame 
under it. He went to the refrigerator and took out a plastic 
container of homemade sauce. He poured it into the other pot. He 
added some frozen stir-fry vegetables to it and turned on the 
flame underneath.

As he stirred the macaroni and the sauce, Lois went behind him and 
leaned against his back. She put her arms around his waist and 
rested her head on the back of his neck. In a low voice, she 
asked, "Did you make the sauce yourself?"

"Yeah," he replied, slightly distracted from her words by her 
voice. "My mom showed me how a while ago."

"That's nice." Clark could feel Lois' words vibrate in her chest 
and throat. Lois closed her eyes and just leaned against him 
comfortably. Clark continued to stir the contents of the two pots, 
his thoughts whirring around wildly in his head much as the 
macaroni beginning to float swirled around in its confined space 
as he stirred it.

Behind his head, Lois smiled as she sensed his confused thoughts. 
She wasn't the only one who was fighting desire here. Clark wasn't 
going to be difficult, she knew that. It was strange. He wasn't an 
easy person, typically. She'd seen other women go after him, women 
who really knew how to play the game, and he'd always resisted. 
But with *her*.... Had it always been like this and she was just 
seeing it now? Or had something just snapped with both of them?

All too soon, the cooking was done, and it was time to eat. He 
reluctantly broke from Lois' embrace, and got two bowls from the 
cabinet. He set them on the table while he drained the pasta. He 
filled the dishes, pouring the sauce and vegetables over the 
pasta, and got drinks for them both. They went back into the 
living room to finish the movie while they ate.

Leaning forward to set her empty bowl on the table, Lois groaned 
at a pain in her back. "I must've hurt it doing something," she 
said.

"Here," said Clark, "let me help."

"Oh, that's okay..." she began.

"Come on, Lois."

"Well... okay." She smiled.

"Lie down, face down, on the couch."

Lois did as he directed, and shuddered deliciously as his hands 
touched her back, massaging all the tension and pain out of them. 
She moaned as his fingers hit upon a particularly tender spot.

Clark leaned down, his mouth next to her ear. "Good?" he asked.

"Mmmmmm..." she replied, as his hands set her skin on fire. Good 
didn't even begin to describe it! Lois was sure she'd never felt 
this much desire before. This was ten times as intense as what 
she'd felt during that kiss in the honeymoon suite of the Lexor 
hotel. And, as his large warm hands traveled over her back, she 
decided to do something about it. She turned over, pushing his 
hands off, and kissed him. Hard.

Clark was surprised by her actions, but he was not displeased. He 
responded to her enthusiastically, reveling in her questing hands, 
her demanding lips.

"Clark..." she whispered.

Clark's brain faintly recognized that she was not merely saying 
his name, that she was trying to say something to him. "Hmmmm?"

"Let's do it. Let's make love." Her statement was punctuated with 
kisses. "Please." It was only a whisper.

The request burned itself into Clark's mind. The meaning hit him 
in an admirably short amount of time, even for Superman. "Lois..." 
he began, but trailed off. He needed to ask if she was sure, if 
this was right. But it certainly *felt* right. This was, after 
all, *Lois* begging him with her words and actions, Lois pressing 
into his hands, into his body.

Lois felt his hesitation, and somehow misinterpreted it. "Clark, 
this *is* okay, right? You want this just as much as I do?"

*She* was asking *him* if he was okay with this! If the situation 
hadn't been quite so intense, he would have laughed. Of *course* 
he wanted this. It was what he'd dreamed about since he met her! 
He lifted her off the couch and carried her into the bedroom. Just 
before he laid her down on the bed, he looked into her eyes. "Are 
*you* sure?" he asked. "Are you sure this is what you want?" That 
she wanted a real, serious relationship with him? That she was 
ready to take all of him, his secret included? That she loved him?

"Yes. Oh, yes."

It was, perhaps, wrong of him to assume that she heard and 
understood the unvoiced questions he had attached to the one that 
was voiced. It was, perhaps, wrong of her to assume that he had 
only the lowest and most instinctive of expectations from this 
situation. Clark's overestimation of Lois and her underestimation 
of him would have complicated this beyond belief if they had only 
been revealed. But, the thing about private assumptions is that 
they *are* private, and, in this case, very, very dangerous.

*********************

Lois and Clark lay cuddled up on the bed, exhausted and sweaty. 
Clark nuzzled Lois' neck. "I love you, Lois," he murmured. "I have 
loved you ever since I met you." He brushed a strand of hair out 
of her face. "I must be the happiest man in the world."

Lois smiled back at him, but she didn't feel like smiling. In 
fact, she felt close to sick inside. He... he *loved* her? This 
couldn't be happening. That meant that he thought this was out of 
love. He thought that she loved him. All she had wanted was a sort 
of one-night thing that didn't mean very much. It had been a spur-
of-the-moment thing. She thought he'd understood that and felt the 
same, but she had been wrong.

She felt the chill of panic race down her spine and shoot icicles 
along her bloodstream. Goosebumps appeared on her arms, and her 
breathing was shallow and quick. Her heart rate raced to another 
spectacular height, but this time it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

She looked at him. He was asleep now, handsome and happy. "What 
have I done?" she asked herself. "How could I have misread him so 
badly?" More importantly, "What am I going to do?" She didn't love 
him. No matter what happened now, she'd hurt him. Unless she 
played along, pretended to love him... no, that would hurt worse 
when he found out that she was pretending. She couldn't fake a 
relationship with Clark. But then, that only left... telling him 
now how she felt.

"I can't do that. I can't face him. Not like this." She couldn't 
wake up naked next to him and say that she didn't love him. No way 
in hell. She just couldn't face this situation. She had to escape, 
and she had to do it now.

Slowly, she moved away from him. He moaned in protest, and she 
froze, afraid that he'd wake up, but he remained asleep. She got 
out of bed, hating herself the whole time, and dressed quickly. 
The chill of the night air matched the feeling that she had inside 
her as it rushed to greet her skin. She left the apartment and got 
into her car.

It was two o'clock in the morning, and the darkness outside seemed 
to accuse her. It pressed around the car, trying to get in. Lois 
tried her hardest to ignore it as she drove to her apartment. She 
let herself in, her hands shaking so badly she could hardly fit 
the key into its keyhole. She shut the door behind her, and leaned 
against it.

She didn't want to sleep. She didn't think she could. Just to have 
something to do, she pulled out her tax files and began to sort 
through them. Math would keep her from thinking about Clark, now 
wouldn't it? It was the kind of thing that wouldn't allow your 
mind to wander, right? Wrong. No matter what she did, her mind 
kept drifting back to what had happened such a short time ago.

Maybe she shouldn't have run away. Maybe he would have understood. 
Somehow she doubted that he would have felt anything but hurt at 
the unfair way she had treated him. And he deserved to feel hurt. 
She would have felt hurt if the same thing had happened to her. 
She had in the past. Claude. A name she'd rather forget. Was that 
how she'd be to Clark in the future: Lois, the woman who had hurt 
him so badly, scaring him away from all other relationships? She 
remembered the feeling she'd had when she'd woken up without 
Claude beside her. And now, because of her, Clark would experience 
that.

There was no way for her to act that was fair to him. No way for 
her to cushion the blow. And the end result was that she'd lost 
her best friend, probably forever. So why had she run? She was 
scared of a relationship with Clark? Why was she so scared of 
that? Lois wasn't sure, but it was too late to have one now, 
wasn't it? She'd made her move in a panic, and even now that she'd 
had time to take a few deep breaths, it was too late to take it 
back. Even so, she still wondered... had her instinct been right?

*************************

At 6:30 in the morning, Clark's alarm clock went off, waking him 
out of a deep sleep. He shut it off and turned to face Lois. He 
reached for her with his eyes shut, but opened them when his hands 
didn't touch her. She wasn't there. His blood suddenly turned ice-
cold. He used his x-ray vision to make a sweep of the apartment. 
"Please, no..." he whispered, but his worst nightmare had come 
true. She wasn't there. She had left while he was asleep. He 
clenched his fists tightly. "Lois, why?" he asked the empty air. 
"Why?"

He had to get out of there. He felt sick. He flew out of his 
apartment and up, up, higher and faster than normal. His anger 
fueled him, spurring him on to fly faster than he had ever gone 
before, flying into the sun. He gave no thought to the danger of 
this. If he suffocated or burned up, he wouldn't have to face Lois 
when he went to work. If he was blinded by the glare, he wouldn't 
have to see her.

But nothing like that happened, and he flew on, stopping on 
Mercury, as the churning, searing hot planet matched his mood. He 
screamed, causing a large disruption on the planet's surface, 
avalanches that disfigured previously untouched cliffs. Then, he 
flew back to Earth, knowing he had to go to work. He hadn't died, 
hadn't run out of oxygen. It was almost too bad.

He landed in his apartment, after taking a detour to the most 
desolate places on Earth and deciding that he liked Mercury better 
even if he couldn't stay there for very long due to the hostile 
atmosphere. He dressed for work and was there at 7:30, only an 
hour after his world had been turned into a living hell.

The elevator doors opened onto a battlefield as he entered the 
newsroom. It was deceptively calm, and would remain so, as the 
fight would be mental. It would be a nonphysical struggle for 
sanity, one which both combatants were slated to lose as the day 
wore on.

Clark glanced around, almost fearfully, until he saw her. The one 
woman who had ever really meant anything to him. The only one that 
he loved. The woman he hated most in the entire world. Ironic, 
that these two emotions, most extreme and most opposite of all, 
should be merged to create his feeling for her. Ironic, and a 
heavy psychological burden to place on a man, even a superman.

She hadn't looked up, hadn't seen him yet. Once she did, this 
tentative peace would be over. He didn't want to move, didn't want 
to draw her attention away from her computer screen. He didn't 
want to leave the relative safety of the area around the 
elevators. Here was the high ground, where he was in control 
because he was above the situation and could see any approaching 
threats. But he had to enter the low area, where dangerous things 
awaited.

Lois knew he was there, could sense his presence as soon as the 
elevator doors opened. She didn't dare look up. What he must think 
of her! She couldn't face him. In a way, it would be worse than it 
would have been to talk in his bed with no armor on. Here, they 
had to maintain a pretense of civility. They had to get their job 
done.

Finally, Clark forced himself to walk down that ramp into the sea 
of reporters and desks. He carefully circumnavigated Lois' desk, 
giving it a wide berth. He sat at his own desk, wishing it weren't 
so near hers. There was only silence and tension now. No "Clark, 
do you want any coffee?" No talk about a story. Nothing.

Nothing, that was, until Jimmy came up to Clark's desk. "Hey, CK! 
The Chief wants to see you and Lois."

"Both of us?"

"Yeah, of course. You're a *team,* remember?"

A team. Right. Great team, just like gasoline and matches, 
nitroglycerin and an earthquake, a nuclear bomb and Hiroshima, 
Sigourney Weaver and extra-terrestrials. In any situation, key 
ingredients for disaster. "Fine. Jimmy, would you tell Lois?"

"Can't you just..." he trailed off as he caught the full force of 
Clark's expression. "Okay," he said meekly. He turned around, 
wondering when Clark had learned to communicate telepathically. 
"Lois? Perry wants you in his office." He didn't mention Clark. 
Judging from *his* reaction, hers would not be pretty.

"Fine," she replied. She got up and walked into the editor-in-
chief's office. Her body tensed as her eyes involuntarily focused 
on Clark. She wrenched her gaze away as Perry began telling them 
about a story he wanted them on.

He was speaking slowly, Clark realized. It was a sure sign that he 
knew something had happened, but had no idea in Graceland what it 
was. He finished his instructions and looked at the pair. It was a 
difficult feat, as they were not next to each other as normal, but 
as far apart as they could justify being. "Okay?" he asked them.

"Okay."

"Fine."

"Good. Now scram." Perry sat down at his desk, terrified. Lois and 
Clark, it seemed, had had some sort of a fight. Not a normal 
fight, but something had happened. Something bad. Had it been a 
fight, they would both have been irate, with Clark controlling it 
a good deal better than Lois. But Clark had been the only one to 
seem even minimally angry. He also looked extremely hurt. Lois was 
apparently afraid to have any sort of contact with her partner, as 
if she were ashamed. Both seemed truly afraid of the other. What 
horror had befallen his two top reporters? Perry didn't know, but 
he swore to resolve it before it ruined him.

Lois and Clark walked to the elevator. They spoke not a word, by 
mutual consent. Both were praying that someone would get in the 
elevator with them. Thankfully, someone did. It was Cat. She only 
rode down to the lobby, not the parking lot, though. Lois and 
Clark had to spend the last ten seconds of the elevator ride 
painfully alone together. It seemed like ten hours. Finally the 
doors opened, and they sprinted out, eager for a breath of fresh 
air, eager to escape the claustrophobic area.

But now they faced a new problem: Lois' car. They would have to 
both be in it at the same time. It couldn't be helped. Lois got in 
on the driver's side, and Clark on the passenger side. She stared 
stonily out the windshield, and he out the window, which he opened 
as soon as the car was started. He didn't want to breathe the car 
air, scented lightly by Lois' perfume.

They made it to the interview without killing each other or 
themselves. They spoke not one word to each other, just to the 
interviewee, who assumed that they thought alike so much that 
there was no need for verbal communication between the reporters. 
They let her think that, not wanting to get into the real reason.

After they returned to the Planet, they had to deal with the 
difficult part: writing the story. They'd need to ask each other's 
opinions, and write it together. They didn't feel like doing 
anything as a team. They managed the task, by Lois writing and 
Clark agreeing to just about everything. When he did point 
something out, she did not argue with him. Lois sent the story 
over the LAN to Perry.

The Chief read the story, and was appalled. It was good work, but 
one of the worst stories he had ever seen with the byline "Lane & 
Kent." Jimmy could almost have written it. He was going to have to 
do something. But not yet. Everything might be better by tomorrow.

**************************

That night, Lois went home exhausted. The difficulty of keeping 
away from Clark had totally drained her. That, combined with the 
zero sleep she had gotten last night, caused her to collapse on 
her bed without even having anything for dinner or getting 
undressed.

One of the downsides to going to bed so early is that one always 
wakes before one wants to, and has far too much time on one's 
hands. Lois was put in this position the next morning. She got up 
with cotton mouth and a stiff neck. She took off her dress suit 
and set it aside to be dry-cleaned. She removed underwear and 
pantyhose, and walked into the bathroom for a shower.

In passing, she caught a glimpse of her own naked body in the 
mirror. She shuddered, disgusted at the sight of the traitorous 
piece of flesh that had caused all this to happen. Why had she 
given in to the sexual temptation? Had she but known the 
consequences.... She stepped into the bathroom and then into the 
shower, trying to prepare herself for another day like yesterday.

**************************

Clark, also, was exhausted, and that was a rare thing for him to 
feel. His other main emotion, which was perhaps not quite as rare, 
was anger. Anger at himself for not understanding what Lois had 
obviously intended. Anger at Lois for knowing his feelings and 
taking advantage of that. She had *known!* She had understood how 
he felt about her, and she had led him on. She had let him feel 
how it could be, how he had dreamed that it could be, given him a 
taste of ambrosia, and then denied him a hope of ever having it 
again.

She was like cocaine to him. Every time he saw her, touched her, 
talked to her, it went right to the pleasure centers of his brain. 
But now she was gone, and he was suffering withdrawal as no one 
but an ex-addict could even imagine. The stimulant was gone, and 
his brain was no longer able to be happy without her. He had 
forgotten how.

And what he wouldn't give for just one more fix.

But that was it, exactly. He still wanted her. He still needed 
her. He *couldn't* hate her. He could only hate himself for not 
being strong enough to live without her, not being strong enough 
to drop her the way she had dropped him. And there was sadness. 
Lots of sadness, lots of regret. Sunt lacrimae rerum. Indeed, 
there were many tears for things, as Virgil had once said. Tears 
for things that he couldn't change and, in a way, didn't want to. 
He didn't want to give up his memories of Lois.

***************************

When Lois and Clark walked in, separately, Perry knew that they 
had not resolved the problem by themselves. Most likely, they 
badly needed to talk to each other, and they were too upset to let 
that happen. Neither wanted to be the one to start the 
conversation. Perry could easily remedy that situation by being 
the one to start it. "LOIS!!! CLARK!!!" he bellowed. "In my 
office, on the double!!"

The reporters rushed in. Everyone at the Planet knew better than 
to go at less than top speed into the Chief's office when he used 
that tone and volume of voice. Perry led the reporters into the 
conference room, where no one could hear what they were saying.

"Now," he said, "I know you two have been having some major 
troubles, personally,"

"Chief..." Lois protested, but trailed off at his glare.

"And I have given you time to work it out alone, but I can see 
that you aren't going to do that without a little push. Do you 
want to talk to me about it?"

Lois and Clark looked away.

"Okay. Then talk to each other."

"Now?" Lois asked.

"Yes, now. This little feud is ruining my newsroom and my best 
reporting team. Not to mention two of the people I care most about 
in the world. I want you to discuss whatever it is, and when 
you're done, you can come out. But until then..." Perry left, 
locking the door behind him.

"He locked us in!" Lois exclaimed indignantly.

"He wants us to talk. No distractions."

"Fine," she sighed. "I think we need to talk, anyway."

"So do I." Clark ran a hand through his hair and paced a little, 
sure signs that he was frustrated. "Lois, I just have to know. 
What was it? What happened that made you... leave?"

"Clark--"

"Lois, please. Tell me. I think I deserve to know. Was it that 
bad?" he asked, only half-joking.

"Clark, no. It was... incredible."

"But?" he prompted.

"I got scared, I ran. I'm sorry."

"Lois, you don't have to be scared of this. I'm not going to hurt 
you."

"It's not that. I was scared because I didn't know what to do, 
what to say to you. That night... I don't know what I was 
thinking. But whatever it was, I was wrong. We can't ever have 
a... a sexual relationship, Clark. That's not right for us." She 
hated doing this to him. His face, his eyes... she could see his 
heart breaking in them. But she had to do this. "We're friends, 
you know? We're friends, Clark, and that's all we were destined to 
be. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me to... to take 
advantage of your feelings when all I wanted was...." She sighed.

"Lois, are you trying to tell me that you didn't feel anything? 
Nothing at all?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had 
felt something incredible, something so *right.*

"Clark, I felt a lot of things. But they were all physical. And I 
just..." She broke off and paused for a minute. "It shouldn't have 
happened. None of it should have happened. I want us to be 
friends. If I could take back that night, I would, but I can't. I 
just wish we could go back to the way it was. If we could just 
forget that night..." Lois trailed off, knowing how terrible that 
sounded, how much she was asking him for.

"Do *you* think you could ever forget it?" Clark asked quietly.

Lois looked down. "No."

"And neither will I. But, if that's what you really want, for us 
to put it behind us, I'll try to give you that. But if you ever 
change your mind, you know how I feel. That will never change. I'm 
not locking any doors, not burning any bridges, and you shouldn't, 
either. If you ever want to go back... just say the word."

"Clark..."

"I know. I know. But please, remember that. I'll always be yours, 
Lois. I'm not going to say it again, after we leave this room. 
I'll keep my promise to put all this behind me." He put a gentle 
hand to her cheek. "But for now, while we're being honest about 
our feelings, let me say it just one more time." He looked deep, 
deep into her teary eyes, and she could see the pain in his own. 
"I love you, Lois, and I always will." He bent to kiss her, a 
short kiss that was their final taste of each other. As it ended, 
so ended the affair that had wreaked havoc on their lives.

Clark straightened up, took his hand from her face, and backed 
away. He handed Lois a tissue to wipe her tears with. Then he 
walked over to the door and knocked to get Jimmy's attention. 
Jimmy got Perry, who unlocked the door. Lois and Clark went 
silently back to their desks.

Lois sat down, thinking about what had just happened. Clark had 
given her more than she could have possibly hoped for, and been 
more understanding than anyone else in the world would have been 
in the same situation. Still, it hurt so much to be the cause of 
such terrible pain to her best friend. And it hurt not to be able 
to love him the way he deserved her to love him. Whoever said love 
is hell was a smart man.

"Come on, Lois," said Clark's voice from behind her. "We've got a 
story to do."

She turned to face him, seeing right through his attempt at a 
pleasant business-like smile. "I'm right behind you," she replied.

************************

TWO WEEKS LATER

Lois was finishing her dinner with Lex in his penthouse in the 
sky. She sat back and sipped her champagne as she talked with Lex.

"Lois," he said, "you have no idea how much you mean to me, your 
being here with me. I feel like the luckiest man on Earth. Ever 
since I made my fortune, I've felt... alone, somehow. Thousands of 
people know me, but no one bothers to *really* know me. No one, 
that is, except you."

"Well, Lex, I..."

"Wait. Let me speak. You are the most important thing in my world, 
and that's why I want to say, 'Omnia vincit amor, et nos credamus 
amori.' Love overcomes all things, let us, too, yield to love." He 
pulled out a small box and proffered it to her. "Will you marry 
me?"

"Oh! Oh, Lex, I don't know what to say."

"Well, there's only a few things you could say. Yes? No? Maybe?"

"Maybe... I need time to think about this. I mean, it's a really 
big decision, and..."

"Take your time, darling. You have all the time in the world. But 
in the meanwhile, shall we dance?" He swirled her up into his arms 
and they swayed to soft classical music.

********************

That night, Lois lay in bed, confused. She didn't really know what 
to do about this. Lex wanted her to marry him. Lex Luthor wanted 
*her* to marry him! She should be thrilled, she should say yes 
immediately! Why was she stopping? Well, there were three reasons: 
Superman, Clark, and herself.

She wasn't sure if *she* wanted a lifetime commitment to anyone. 
Lex's offer was attractive, sure enough, but it was a little 
overwhelming. To spend the rest of her life with Lex... was that 
what she wanted? She'd have power, prestige, money, not to mention 
a really good way to get valuable information for her job. What 
people wouldn't do for Lois Lane, they certainly would do for Mrs. 
Lex Luthor. The very name had power.

But then there was Clark. If she married Lex, she couldn't do so 
with a clean conscience-- she would be effectively burning the 
bridge he had wanted her to fireproof. Clark loved her, and if she 
married Lex, he would be terribly hurt. Hadn't she hurt him enough 
already? He would be especially hurt since he offered her the same 
thing that Lex offered: a lifetime commitment and love. Why accept 
Lex's offer rather than Clark's? Did she love Lex? She might. She 
wasn't sure.

And then there was Superman. She loved Superman; she knew that. 
But did he return her feelings? She wasn't going to wait around 
forever for a ship that might never come in. She had to find out. 
If he loved her, then she would refuse Lex's proposal. If he said 
that he did not return her feelings, she'd say yes to Lex.

She told Clark the next day that she needed to speak to Superman. 
He could always find the super hero for some reason. She didn't 
tell Clark about Lex's proposal. She just couldn't do it. Maybe 
she'd ask Superman's advice on how to break it to him. He was a 
guy, and apparently as close to Clark as a brother-- he'd probably 
know.

That night, she sat in her living room, looking at a magazine. She 
wasn't exactly reading it. Well, she was reading it, but she had 
no idea what it said. She had read the same page three times, and 
still hadn't actually seen any of the sentences, only jumbled 
words.

Suddenly, there was a familiar sound at the window. The man in 
blue appeared, pushing open the panes of glass that were always 
unlocked. "Lois?" he asked. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. Yes, I did. I have something really important to say. Last 
night, I was having dinner with Lex, and he said, well, he asked 
me to marry him."

Superman's face betrayed his shock. "What did you say?" he asked, 
almost fearfully.

"I told him I didn't know, that I had to think about it." He 
looked relieved. "Superman, I actually want to ask you two things. 
First, I don't really know how to tell Clark. I'm afraid he'll 
be... upset by the news."

"I wouldn't blame him."

"Yeah, neither would I. You're his friend, do you know how I 
should go about telling him?"

"I don't think there is a best way to tell him, just do it soon. 
Don't wait."

"That's what I figured you'd say. But this other thing... I just 
need to know how you feel. Because I guess it's no secret that I 
love you. And this kind of forced my hand. So, I just really need 
to know."

Superman looked down, his stomach churning. He'd never felt this 
sick in his whole life. Kryptonite would almost have been better. 
"Lois, you don't know enough about me to understand what you're 
asking."

"I want to know." She said the words softly, begging him to be 
hers.

He nodded grimly. "All right. I wasn't raised on Krypton like 
everyone thinks. I was born there, but sent to Earth as a baby. 
So, although I didn't become Superman until just recently, I've 
been here almost my whole life. I was raised as a human."

"Are you saying that you have some sort of other life? A... a 
secret identity?"

"Sort of. I'm saying that *this* is a disguise to protect my real 
life. My normal, human life. 'Superman' isn't real, it's a job. A 
job can't love. I can't ever give you Superman's love-- it's not 
mine to give. Superman belongs to all of Metropolis."

"But what about you? The real person?"

"The real person. The real person had never been in love, never 
even been with a woman before you. You are the only one that I 
could ever love. I told you that I'd always love you, that I was 
yours forever, and you wouldn't have me."

"Oh, my..." Her voice caught in her throat. "Clark?" she whispered 
hoarsely.

"Superman, Clark, Kal-El... they're all me," he said. "Oh, Lois. 
If you only had loved me, the real me, I could have given you 
everything, shown you the world like you've never seen it before. 
We could've had it all." His voice was full of pain. "Why, Lois? 
Why Superman?"

"Oh, Clark, I..." She hung her head in defeat.

"So now we both know the whole story. You can't have Superman and 
won't have Clark. That leaves me pretty well out of the picture. I 
wish things were different, Lois, but they aren't, and here we are 
in the middle of them, like it or not. I suppose I can't give you 
any reason not to marry Lex. None that you'd accept, anyway. I can 
just ask you, please, don't. You don't know Lex like I do. He's 
not a good man. But I can't control your life, and even if I 
could, I'd rather see you married to Lex and happy than single and 
miserable, but if you think that... that there's any chance for... 
oh, I don't know how to say this. I don't want you to burn any 
bridges, but if that's what you need to do..." He didn't finish. 
"Goodbye, Lois. I'll see you at the Planet tomorrow." "Goodbye, 
Clark. I'm sorry," she whispered.

He smiled ruefully at her. "It's okay. You do what you need to be 
happy. It'll be best for both of us in the long run." With that, 
he flew out her window.

Lois stared into space long after she could no longer see him. 
Then she put on her pajamas and brushed her teeth. Her mind 
functioned best when she was in bed late at night, and she had a 
lot of thinking to do. She got under the covers and let her brain 
try to sort out what she was feeling. Clark didn't want her to act 
out of pity toward him; if she didn't love him, then she should 
marry Lex. Superman wasn't in the picture any more-- he didn't 
exist. It felt foolish to have fallen in love with someone who 
wasn't real. And Clark-- she had hurt him more than she had ever 
imagined. Having to see her be enraptured by Superman while 
ignoring Clark must've been so difficult, since he knew that Clark 
was the only real person.

And after she'd caused him all this pain, he was expecting what? 
Nothing other than more of the same heartbreak. Even if she did 
love him, she wouldn't deserve him. Who was she, Estella? Giving 
nothing but pain to the one who loved her more than anything?

Lois did not like the comparison. It was too close to the truth. 
Estella had been cold, heartless, cruel. Lois was not like that; 
she at least had feelings. Or was she more similar to the 
character than she thought? That Charles Dickens was a menace, 
Lois decided, and left it at that.

This whole thing, Clark, Superman... it just was too much. She 
*didn't* love Clark, *couldn't* love Superman, and Lex... well, 
that was a tough one. She wasn't sure about Lex. She might love 
him. She *could* love him. Ah, that was the key. There were 
possibilities with Lex, promise. And what did Lois Lane want? 
Clark, who would provide safety, security, and unconditional love? 
Lex, who would provide a challenge, mystery, power, and the 
possibility of mutual love?

She knew, ultimately, who she would choose. Lois Lane never 
accepted a passive, no frills life. She needed the danger, the 
excitement. Strange that she didn't think of Superman as exciting 
and dangerous, but he had revealed himself to be Clark, plain old 
mild-mannered Clark. Not that he wouldn't probably have a few 
tricks up his blue spandex sleeves, but Superman was an acting 
job; Clark wasn't really like that. He was the safe side. And Lois 
felt that she belonged in the fast lane.

She thought she had made her decision, but one thought still 
plagued her. "Are you sure this is what you want?" Clark's words 
to her just before they had made love. Her answer was less sure 
this time.

Ah, Estella!

*****************************

EIGHT DAYS LATER

Lois sat on her couch, looking at the rock on her hand. She 
sighed. Her choice had been made, and now she would just have to 
wait to see if it had been the right one or not. Clark had been so 
sad when she'd told him. He'd known it was going to happen-- he'd 
realized it before she had-- but, it still came as a shock, to 
actually see the ring on her finger. Maybe he had secretly hoped 
that she'd change her mind, come running up to him, saying that 
she loved him... Maybe she should have. Could she have learned to 
love Clark?

"No!" she reprimanded herself. She couldn't allow herself to think 
like this! It was too close to the way the little voices had 
convinced her it was okay to sleep with Clark. She had already 
committed to a course of action, and she couldn't back down now. 
But still, the look on Clark's face would have been enough to make 
Godzilla stop and ponder the consequences of his actions.

He'd been rather cold to her today. In fact, he'd been cold since 
she'd told him of her engagement. It wasn't an icy, stony, angry 
feeling, but a air of distance that came from not wanting to be 
around her. If she hadn't lost her best friend already, she'd done 
it now. Maybe he did have a bit of anger towards her. She deserved 
it. Lord knew she deserved it! She turned her thoughts to her 
upcoming wedding. They had decided on a short engagement. 
Practically as short as an elopement. It gave the media less time 
to spread rumors, to find out what was happening. It was only 
three weeks long, and the first week was already over. But there 
were so many people working on the wedding that everything could 
have been done by today if they had wanted that. She was glad the 
wedding was so soon. As long as she was unmarried, she kept 
wanting to change her mind. It was wrong of her to think that way, 
but she knew the daydreams and fantasies wouldn't go away until 
she was married. Then there was no way to turn back, even if she 
convinced herself that she should.

The wedding itself was horribly expensive, not unlike the ring she 
wore on her left hand. They had decided to have it in a huge 
ornate cathedral, specially selected for its long aisle. Her gown 
was fantastic, all white silk and lace, with white and rose pearls 
dancing across it. She almost didn't want to touch it, for fear 
that she would degrade it somehow.

Lois knew almost nothing about the reception. It had been planned 
to suit whatever Lex had in mind. She had not chosen the 
bridesmaids' dresses, although she *was* permitted to choose the 
bridesmaids. What an honor, she thought sarcastically. She didn't 
pick the chef to make the wedding cake, or what it would look 
like. The gown hadn't even been her choice. The whole time it was 
being designed, it was "Oh, Lois, this will look fabulous," and, 
"No, we wouldn't want to do that," and, "I think we should put 
some more pearls *here*." Nobody let her say that she wanted it to 
be simpler. ("If you wanted a simple wedding, you should've 
married a simple man!") Nobody let her have any say in the details 
of anything. ("Now, you leave that to me, dearie. I'm a 
professional!") So Lois for once allowed herself to be pushed out 
of the way. Maybe she'd be lucky and there would be some party 
crashers to liven things up. Now there was a funny thought. Lex 
would be horrified, of course.

Overall, she hated this. It was like she was losing control, and 
had been since she'd agreed to marry Lex. He'd seen her answer as 
some sort of submission, allowing him to do what he wanted because 
he *knew* she'd agree with it if he asked her. So, why even bother 
asking her? But maybe he would change once they were married.

Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe she should break off the engagement and 
run to Clark. Maybe no one would even miss her-- she didn't have 
much to do with the wedding anyway. She hated doubting her own 
decision just as much as she hated not being involved in her 
wedding. She'd chosen the path that made the most sense, right? 
Why did she keep leaning toward the other way? What was wrong with 
her? This must be those pre-wedding jitters you always hear so 
much about.

There was good reason to be afraid. She was shutting all the 
doors, locking herself in a cage, abandoning her freedom. Why was 
she doing this? Suddenly, she felt like a caged bird, panicking 
and desperate to fly away. She tried to shake off the frightening 
feeling. She couldn't bolt, not now.

But adrenaline had her blood pumping, and she just had to *do* 
something. She left her apartment and drove until she came to the 
high school. She parked the car and jogged over to the deserted 
track. She could see enough by street lights and moonlight that 
she could run. She needed to be here instead of on the streets, 
here where she could run blindly and safely. She forced herself to 
stretch, and then took off.

Wind tugged at her hair and at her clothes. She was going as fast 
as she could, but still wanted to be going faster. She wished that 
she could fly, the way Clark could. How many times had he vented 
his frustration by flying somewhere? Would the entire world be 
enough of a track for him?

She pushed herself harder and harder, her feet pounding away the 
miles. Finally the lactic acid building up in her muscles forced 
her to stop, and she immediately dropped to the ground with a cry 
of frustration. She took a few deep, ragged breaths, and managed 
to stand shakily. How far had she run? How many miles? Her legs 
felt like jelly, and she could barely walk. She managed to get 
back to her car, but she didn't immediately drive away.

If this was the kind of feeling that being engaged to Lex brought, 
then should she go through with the wedding? She didn't know if 
she should, but she knew that she would. It was the old Lane 
determination. Once she started something, she would finish it. Or 
was it the old Lane stupidity?

She drove home and immediately went to bed, falling asleep almost 
as soon has her head hit the pillow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lois woke, and was surprised to realize that it had all been a 
dream. At first, she wasn't sure, but then she looked at her hand. 
No ring. It was gone! No, it had never been there. She was 
slightly disoriented, but a drink of water soon cleared her 
thoughts. Clark had just flown away. Lex was still waiting for an 
answer.

She glanced at the clock. The number 2:34 glowed back at her. She 
had made her decision, but somehow, in the early morning hours, 
her brain was clearer and she began to re-think it. She was 
troubled by her dream of what an engagement to Lex would be like. 
She wanted to tell herself that it was just a dream, that it 
wouldn't really be like that, but she knew better. That was 
exactly the way it would be.

She had thought that she could learn to love Lex. Could she 
really? If she could, why couldn't she learn to love Clark? He 
loved her, she knew that. Both men loved her, but Clark's love was 
so much more unselfish than Lex's. Lex was controlling and 
dominant. He wanted her with a possessiveness that scared her. She 
was afraid of losing herself to him. Once she was Lex's, she 
feared that she couldn't be her own.

But Clark was different. His love was open. He did not pick up the 
reins as Lex would, but let her have her head. She could go where 
she wanted, do what she chose, and all his love meant was that his 
arms would always be open to her. Instead of taking her, he gave 
himself.

And she *did* love Clark. Try as she might to fool herself into 
thinking otherwise, she loved him. His gentle touch, his tender 
words, the way he treated her. He was much more than she deserved, 
so why would she refuse that for something she *did* deserve? A 
love like that, like every woman dreams of, and she was 
considering refusing it? Temporary insanity. It could have been 
nothing else.

Then she thought of Clark, who was probably not sleeping very 
well. With her and Lex, it was always she who was powerless, she 
who wondered if she was in over her head. But with Clark, she was 
behind the steering wheel. He had given her that, and she had 
driven him directly into hell for it. Now, the road had suddenly 
forked, and she wasn't going to wait any longer to take the path 
she should have been on all along.

She dressed quickly, but was still frustrated at how long it took. 
She ran out to her car and drove to Clark's apartment. Even with 
the minimal traffic on the road at 2:45 in the morning, it was a 
small miracle that she didn't kill herself, driving as she did.

After what seemed like forever, but was really about five minutes, 
she was at his doorstep, knocking frantically on the piece of wood 
that barred her from what she was here to do. "Come on, Clark, 
answer your damn door!" she muttered.

Clark, startled by the knocking that woke him out of a troubled 
sleep, took a second to put on his glasses and get to the door. 
Ten seconds after the knocking started, he opened it. It was a 
pretty good speed, considering that it *was* almost three in the 
morning, but it seemed like an hour to the person on the other 
side of the door.

Lois watched, her heart pounding in her throat as he opened the 
door. And there he was, in boxers and glasses, in all his 
masculine three a.m. glory. She flew into his arms, the strong 
arms that were ready and willing to hold her. She clung to him 
like she would never let go. "Oh, Clark, Clark, I was such an 
idiot," she cried, tears streaming down the sides of her face. 
"Can you ever forgive me?"

"Of course, Lois," he murmured, holding her tightly, almost 
overwhelmed. Lois had made her decision, and she had chosen him! 
He had expected her to go with Lex, but here she was, in his arms 
at three in the morning. He stroked her hair, not quite believing 
that she was there.

Lois buried her face in his muscular shoulder. "I love you, Clark. 
I love you so much." How had she ever thought otherwise? How had 
she ever wanted to be anywhere but here, with anyone but Clark?

He pulled back slightly, to look into her eyes. "Do you mean that, 
Lois? Are you sure?"

"Yes! Yes, this time I'm absolutely sure. *This* is what I want. 
Real, solid love." She pushed forward slightly, meeting his lips 
with her own. He tasted so good, even better than she remembered. 
She'd never felt so absolutely euphoric. She leaned heavily into 
him, devouring him, taking the kiss deeper every second. She 
almost didn't notice that they were floating, drifting toward the 
bedroom until they were there.

They tumbled onto the bed, and for the second time in their lives, 
they made love. This time, there were no illusions, no questioning 
of motives. Both were in love, and there were no longer any doubts 
or fears.

A long time later, Lois lay next to Clark, exhausted, but happier 
than she could ever remember being. She no longer had to deal with 
her decision, or with wondering if she had made the right one. She 
*knew* with a fierce certainty that this was right. This was what 
she was meant to do. She sighed, and snuggled close to her lover. 
In a few warm and fuzzy minutes, she was asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Lois awoke, something was terribly wrong. She reached out to 
touch Clark, but he was gone. The other side of the bed was empty. 
And, it was not Clark's bed; it was hers. She was in her 
apartment, wearing the nightclothes she had put on after her late 
night run. This had not been a dream, but last night with Clark 
had been. She knew that now, and the reality hit her like a 
falling safe in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

She was engaged to Lex.

They were still going to have the wedding in two weeks. And Clark 
was not speaking to her, much less spending the night with her. 
That part had all been a dream. It had seemed so *real* to her, 
but it wasn't.

Where had the dream come from? Now that was the real question. She 
supposed it was her nervousness about the wedding combined with 
sexual desire for Clark and how she missed her partner. Maybe part 
of it was born of wondering if she had made the right decision.

Right now it was all too much to deal with. Lois needed to take a 
shower and then to go to work. She was still exhausted (from the 
running, not from being with Clark, she reminded herself), but 
that was no cause to neglect her duty as a reporter.

She wasn't even sure that she wanted to see Clark right now. Last 
night's dream had been all too vivid, resurrecting memories of a 
night that was not a dream, memories that could only make her 
unhappy in her new life. She knew she'd eventually start comparing 
Clark to Lex, which would most likely lead to a dissatisfaction 
with Lex. That brought up the question again: if she would be 
satisfied with Clark, and unsatisfied with Lex, then why was she 
marrying Lex?

"Because I don't love Clark!" she exclaimed aloud to herself, 
hoping that hearing a voice saying it would make it so. She did 
not love Clark, and changing her mind now would only result in 
confusion and probably humiliation.

A little while later, she was walking in the doors to the Planet 
newsroom. It was the place she loved, yet it had somehow changed. 
It was the tension that now existed between her and Clark. It was 
getting to the point where it was almost unbearable. She knew he 
was there, and spotted him in a second. He wasn't looking at her, 
but at his computer screen. He looked so handsome. Those eyes, 
those lips, that body...

She was going insane. She was going insane, and she knew it. Maybe 
she should consider what Lex had advised, and take a break from 
the Daily Planet, just for the two remaining weeks of their 
engagement and then a while longer for the honeymoon. It's not 
like she and Clark were getting much work done together anyway, 
she reasoned. She deserved a vacation.

That wasn't true. Well, it was true, but those weren't her reasons 
for wanting a vacation. She just wanted to get away from Clark, 
and she knew it. What better way to quash wedding jitters than by 
removing the source?

She went to talk to Perry. He was surprised, to say the least, but 
he agreed to give her the time. Clark was downright shocked, and 
upset. Even though he could hardly stand the sight of her, after 
everything she'd done, he still loved her. And after she was gone, 
both Clark Kent and Superman seemed a little more downtrodden than 
usual to the people they interacted with.

That night, Lois went home, feeling defeated and small. She knew 
the decision she had made had been right, but it still hurt to 
leave the Planet, to leave Clark. At least her wedding would be 
soon. Although then she'd have to wait until the honeymoon was 
over before she could *finally* go back. And she didn't think Lex 
would cut the honeymoon time short so she could go back to work. 
It was just something that was not done. Of course, most people 
would prefer to be on their honeymoon than at work.

"Oh, what am I thinking?" Lois said to herself. This was simply 
downgrading her honeymoon. She was sure she'd have a great time. 
She was just confused right now, and she needed sleep. She closed 
her eyes and deadened her mind to the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She awoke in the position she had expected to be in yesterday 
morning. She was in Clark's bed, snuggled up next to him while he 
slept. She sat up abruptly, shocked. But this was a dream! Or had 
it been? Was the engagement to Lex a dream? A recurring dream? It 
certainly seemed like it from here.

"Lois?" Clark was awake, and confused by the look on her face. 
"What's the matter?"

She looked at her hand. Her ring! It was gone! "I just..." she 
began, "had the strangest dream..."

"What was it about? You're as white as a ghost! Are you okay?"

"I was engaged to Lex, and I fell asleep and realized it was a 
dream, that I wasn't engaged and you had just flown out of my 
window. Then I came here and fell asleep--"

"Not right away," Clark interjected.

Lois grinned a little at that. "No, not right away," she agreed. 
"But I woke up back in my apartment, thinking that last night was 
a dream, and I was really engaged to Lex. But now, I'm here, 
and... it seems like my engagement was a dream. Am I dreaming 
now?"

"No way," said Clark. He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on 
her bare shoulder. "This is no dream."

Lois shuddered as he ran his hands over her naked skin. "Mmmmmm... 
definitely not a dream..." she murmured as she leaned into an 
open-mouthed passionate kiss.

***************************

Clark cradled Lois easily in his arms. She sighed, resting against 
him. She was happy now, but she could still remember the 
hopelessness of her dream. And the worst part had been waking up 
and thinking that having Clark was a dream.

Having Clark. The words sent a delicious shiver down her spine. He 
noticed her happy smile and murmured into her ear, "What'cha 
grinning about?"

His low, throaty voice widened her smile. "About... taking," she 
said, deliberating salaciously over that word, "the hottest, most 
gorgeous, most... talented guy in the world."

"Mmmmm..." He nuzzled her neck, brushing it with her lips. She 
tilted her head to the side, allowing him better access.

"Oh, Clark, I love you," she sighed. "I don't want this to ever 
end."

"What do you want to do today?"

"Um. This is nice... Let's go out for breakfast. We've never 
actually had a date, and maybe we should."

"Breakfast? Too late for breakfast. How about brunch? We can have 
our first date over brunch."

"Having a first date after the second night with someone seems out 
of order."

"Nahhh. Hey, there aren't any rules." He nipped the skin under her 
ear.

"All's fair in love and war," Lois replied, pushing back against 
him.

***************************

They didn't spend that night together. Clark had a crisis on his 
hands, well, Superman's hands, and had to go off to Brazil. But 
that fact did little to dampen Lois' state of mind. She was 
practically floating, the way she had been all day.

But as she climbed into bed, a sort of fear overtook her. The last 
time she had fallen asleep, her dream had been of an engagement to 
Lex, and she'd had the same dream the night before that. Would it 
recur tonight as well? Why was this plaguing her?

The thoughts threatened to keep her awake, despite her exhaustion. 
She lay in bed, trying to banish them from her mind, but didn't 
succeed. It was almost two hours before she finally slept.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She awoke to the sound of her sister's voice. Lucy? What was she 
doing here?

"Lois! Lois! You have to get up, or you'll be late for the 
wedding!"

The wedding? Oh, the wedding! Right! Today was her wedding day to 
Lex. But then, Clark was...? A dream, her consciousness told her.

Wait a minute. She remembered thinking that *this* was a dream. It 
was all so confusing. And she knew that a person who was dreaming 
always thought they were awake. "So am I awake or asleep?" she 
asked herself. Typically, dreamers didn't ask if they were 
dreaming, so she must be awake. But, she had asked if she was 
dreaming in the... dream? It had seemed just as real as this!

It was as if every time she fell asleep, she crossed over into a 
different world. She kept switching back and forth between them, 
unable to figure out where she belonged. "Oh, this is ridiculous!" 
she told herself. A couple of disturbing dreams was nothing to be 
concerned about. Today was her *wedding day*, and she had more 
important things to do. Like get ready and get to the church! 
Yikes! She was going to be late!

*******************

It seemed like no time had passed at all and she was standing at 
the end of the long aisle. She wore the gaudy white gown, her hair 
and nails were perfectly done, and her smile shone like, well, not 
quite like the sun, but at least like the moon on steroids.

The music began, the grandiose organ sounding those famous notes, 
and she stepped forward once, then again. She walked slowly, 
feeling almost frustrated by the drawn-out feeling of it all. She 
distracted herself by looking around to see the guests. Her 
relatives, friends, people she didn't know but Lex did, so many 
people...

A movement by the side wall of the church caught her eye. She 
gasped. *He* was here! Her throat, heart, and stomach decided to 
play ring-around-the-rosy, and she considered turning and running 
to the ladies' room. Her wedding jitters had returned full-force. 
His presence had brought them all back. Amazingly, despite her 
scattered thoughts and displaced internal organs, she kept 
walking, maintaining the pace, if not the smile. She couldn't take 
her eyes off Clark. He looked directly at her with an unwavering 
gaze. If she hadn't been able to keep moving, she'd have sworn he 
was burning her through with his heat vision.

"Goodbye, Lois," he mouthed.

Lois was at the end of her journey, and she forced herself to look 
up at Lex. He was wearing his charming Cheshire cat smile and a 
handsome tuxedo. The room was quiet but for the usual crowd 
noises; sneezing, sniffles, rustling, and for the clicking of 
cameras. There were many members of the press at this notable 
event.

But for all Lois cared, there could have been a thousand seven-
year-olds practicing newly acquired brass instruments, all 
attempting to play louder than the rest. As she heard the words of 
the Archbishop, something inside her that was already strained to 
the breaking point began to tear. She had to concentrate to keep 
from falling.

And then she was not hearing precisely what the words of the vows 
were. They were somehow skewed in the translation. When the 
Archbishop asked her if she would love, honor, and cherish Clark 
Kent, she automatically answered, "I do." She turned to smile at 
Clark; he would be so happy.

He wasn't there. The smile belonged to Lex, not Clark. She froze 
for a second, confused, but soon came back into herself. She was 
marrying Lex. Not Clark. Lex.

"What am I doing? I can't do this!" she thought, but the time for 
protests was gone. It was too late. The organ had started up, 
obscenely loud, and they were walking down the aisle, man and 
wife.

They walked down the steps, pelted by rice. It seemed to Lois that 
every single person there was happier than she was. She couldn't 
love Lex. She knew that now. "Fine time for that realization!" she 
thought angrily. It seemed like she was destined to do stupid 
things for the rest of her life. If she only could have made the 
realization even ten minutes earlier, she could have stopped 
herself.

Could she have, really? Didn't she always go through with things, 
even when she knew they were wrong? Hadn't she always known that 
she didn't love Lex? Sitting in a limousine, looking out the 
windows at the well-wishers, she realized that the answer to the 
last question was yes. She had known. She had just been fooling 
herself. She was so gullible, even to her own stupid tricks.

***********************

That night was her wedding night. She stood in the large bathroom 
of Lex's penthouse, looking into a mirror. She wore a red lace 
teddy. It went well with her hair, and was really very beautiful. 
It made her want to puke. She was choking, hardly able to breathe, 
hardly able to walk. Once she stepped out of this room, she was 
Lex's. And she couldn't stay in here for much longer.

She took a deep breath, summoning all her courage, and walked out 
the door. Lex was waiting for her, with a bottle of champagne. He 
sipped the champagne, watching her, waiting. He offered her a 
glass, but she brushed it aside, knowing it wouldn't stay down. 
Gravity had nothing on the gag impulse.

He took her hand and kissed it. "You look absolutely incredible, 
my darling. But why so nervous? There's nothing to be nervous 
about." He pulled her toward him, kissing her, his hands moving 
over her body.

If that night, he was surprised at her passiveness or her silence 
in bed, he did not let her know. It hadn't been sex with Lois 
which had interested him; rather, he had wanted to fully possess 
her. He could have great sex with whoever he wanted, but they 
weren't important to him. It was Lois who mattered, and now she 
was his.

Although it had been a long day for Lois, it seemed like a longer 
night. It felt like there would never be an end to the dark hours 
she faced. When she was finally able to fall asleep, she did not 
dream. She wasn't even relieved by the dreams of Clark that would 
have eased her mind.

**************************

The next morning, Lex was called away on urgent business. He had 
been angry with the people who had caused this on the first day of 
his marriage, and Lois had been afraid of him, really afraid, for 
the first time. He swore to her that he would be back before 
night, and she had been kind and understanding, although 
disappointed that he would be gone on the first day of their 
honeymoon.

But when he was gone, she breathed a sigh of relief, and walked to 
the phone. She had a call she needed to make. She dialed the 
numbers that would bring her to the person she needed to talk to 
right now. The phone rang once, twice, three times. Lois was 
gripped by a fear that the person wouldn't be home. But, on the 
fifth ring, the phone was picked up.

"Hello?" asked a female voice.

"Hey, Luce," Lois said rather despondently.

"Lois? What's wrong?" Lucy was immediately worried about her big 
sister. "It's the morning after your wedding night! You're 
supposed to be thrilled out of your mind!" She thought a little 
humor might help.

"No, Lucy, that's the problem."

Lucy knew Lois better than to make a funny remark now. She just 
let Lois continue.

"I mean, I know I *should* be happy, but I'm not. I'm married to 
Lex now, but all I can think about is Clark."

"Oh," said Lucy sympathetically. "Do you love him?"

"I don't know. I think so. But then, there's Lex... I'm not sure 
of anything any more."

"Well, let's find out. All we need to do is compare Lex and Clark. 
When you hear it out loud, you'll figure out who you love."

"Compare them? How do you mean?"

"Well, how about this? I'll ask you a question, and you answer it 
about Lex, then about Clark. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Would you feel comfortable going to a bar with him and getting 
ripped, unable to control your own actions?"

That one she didn't even need to think about. She had just made 
that decision a short time ago. "Lex, no. Clark, yes."

"Okay, that's one for Clark, O for Lex. I'm keeping score. Okay, 
now. How about crashing on a sofa in your sweats, watching 
movies?"

"Well, Lex, maybe. Clark, definitely."

"Lex, 1/2, Clark, 2. How do they compare physically?"

"Lucy!" Already she felt better. Only her sister could be so... 
comfortingly juvenile.

"Well?"

"Okay, fine, I can't believe I'm doing this. Lex is really 
handsome. He has nice, thick hair, he's pretty muscular, lean, 
great eyes."

"And Clark?" Lucy prompted.

"Clark is... gorgeous. His hair is really sexy, the way it 
sometimes falls over onto his forehead, and his eyes are adorable. 
His body is, well, absolutely amazing. He's just as... well-
defined as Superman."

"Oh, really?" Lucy asked, interested.

"Yeah..." Lois replied wistfully.

"Wow. Well, how about sexually? How do they compare there? Because 
sometimes it's not what you've got but how you use it that counts, 
if you know what I mean."

"Um. Lex is great, but then why wouldn't he be? He's been with, 
like, five hundred women. He never lacked... practice. Clark, on 
the other hand, didn't have anywhere near that number. In fact, he 
lost his virginity only very recently."

"You're kidding! A babe like that?"

"It's true. He lost it last month. With me."

"He did? I thought..."

"No, I just learned a few weeks ago that it had been his first 
time."

"Oh, that is so... wow. Was he good?" she asked, already guessing 
the answer by the smug satisfaction in Lois' voice. This was a new 
perspective of Lois and Clark's night together. When Lois had told 
her about it earlier, she had stressed the confusion and the 
problems that had resulted, not the actual night.

"Oh, Luce, you have *no* idea! I thought I was going to die of 
pleasure, and it would have been worth it if I had. I can't even 
*imagine* how he'd be if he had practice. My feeble human brain 
can't bear the speculation."

"Wow. The perfect lover?"

"Yes."

"Wow," she said again. It seemed to be the vocabulary word for the 
night. "No wonder you're thinking about him on your honeymoon..." 
Then she got back on track. "Okay, so far Clark has four, and Lex 
has got half a point for maybe watching movies in ratty old 
clothes. I want you to think back before you got engaged to Lex, 
and before you slept with Clark. Had you ever given them an 
opportunity to take advantage of you and they didn't?"

"Well, not really with Lex. I always watched myself around him. Of 
course, I've spent a lot less time with him than with Clark."

"And what about with Clark?"

"Hmmm. There was the time we were staying in the honeymoon suite 
of the Lexor hotel for a couple of days. We were undercover on a 
story. And he didn't take advantage of the situation. Then there 
was the time I was hit by this pheromone compound that made me 
madly desire Clark for about forty-eight hours. Even after *two 
days* of seduction attempts, he didn't crack, because he knew my 
feelings weren't real."

"Two days?"

"He's got incredible self-control. If the situation had been 
reversed and *he* was the one affected and out of control, I'd 
probably have been in his bed in an hour or so. Anyway, then there 
was this time somebody was trying to kill me, so I asked him if I 
could spend the night at his place. Then there was the time Perry 
locked us in the supply closet until we were 'ready to be civil to 
the new photographer' even though the new photographer was a 
total... never mind. But we were in this teeny tiny closet for two 
hours. *Then* there was the time we went to my friend's party and 
I got ripped and started making not-too-subtle passes at him. The 
incredible self-control made a cameo again. And then there was the 
time I stayed at his house for a night, after someone had 
attempted to rape me."

"What?!" Lucy was shocked. "You never told me about that!"

"I never told anyone. Clark was the only one who knew. I remember 
going to his house, and taking a really hot shower. I just 
crumpled up on his bathroom floor, and eventually he came in. He 
was so worried about me..."

Lois hadn't wanted to go home alone, so she had accepted with 
gratitude Clark's offer to come to his place. She felt so dirty 
from what had almost happened, from that guy... touching her. It 
had been mortifying. She had needed to rinse the memory of it from 
her. "Clark, do you mind if I use your shower?" she asked in a 
small voice.

"Go ahead, Lois." He didn't quite understand what she was feeling-
- he expected that no one could unless they went through the same 
thing, but he had a pretty good idea. And that hurt him, too. He 
felt so much pain, so much embarrassment for her.

Lois walked into Clark's bathroom and shut the door. She stripped 
off her clothes, leaving them on the floor. She turned on the hot 
water and stepped in. The scalding, cleansing flow beat down on 
her, burning away the terrible sensations she had felt that night. 
She scrubbed her body, which was already tender from the hot 
water, mercilessly, trying desperately to rid herself of all the 
memories.

Soon, she realized that if she didn't turn off the hot water, she 
was going to burn herself. So she did, and stepped out of the 
shower. She grabbed a towel that Clark had given her and wrapped 
herself in it. She sat down on the bath mat and leaned her head 
against the shower. The towel draped around her shoulders and her 
new perspective of the room gave her a feeling of smallness. She 
felt so tiny, so unimportant, so miserable. A tear trickled down 
her cheek.

Fifteen minutes passed as she sat there, crying, trembling. Then 
it was twenty. There was a knock on the bathroom door. "Lois? Are 
you okay?" It was Clark. She wanted to answer, she really did, but 
she couldn't find her voice.

Clark, disturbed by her lack of response, opened the door slowly, 
so that she would have time to react if she wasn't decent. "Lois?" 
he asked again, finally sticking his head in the steam-filled 
bathroom. What he saw almost made him cry. Lois was crumbled up on 
the floor, a towel around her shoulders, and her knees up to her 
chest. She was crying.

"Oh, Lois," he said. He sat down next to her and took her into his 
arms, an embrace which she welcomed. She snuggled up to him, 
clutching him as though he were a life preserver and she was in a 
stormy sea.

"Clark, it was so awful," she whispered.

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," she said. She laid her head against his 
strong chest. "You saved me."

"I'd never do any less." He longed to tell her that he loved her, 
but now was not the time. It could startle her, frighten her, and 
then she would be denied the support she was taking from him. 
Above all else, he did not want to do that. She needed him there 
to keep her steady.

Lois pushed close to him, needing to feel the strength, the power 
in him. She felt safe with him, in his embrace. When Clark held 
her, the world was unable to harm her. Even when she was almost 
naked, as she was now, she felt no threat from him. She'd never 
let herself do this with Lex.

"Come on, Lois, why don't you get dressed..."

"No," she replied. "I... I can't. My clothes are... dirty." It was 
a feeble attempt at explanation, but Clark quickly picked up what 
she meant.

"It's okay. You can borrow some of my stuff." He stood up and 
offered his hands to her. She took only one, the other keeping the 
towel mostly in place. It wasn't quite the same, and he 
undoubtedly saw parts of her body that he shouldn't have, but she 
didn't care. She didn't feel self-conscious with him. After what 
had happened, she wasn't ready to deal with little niceties such 
as modesty.

Clark put an arm around her shoulder and led her into his bedroom. 
He took a t-shirt out of a drawer and a pair of boxers out of the 
other. "Is this okay?" he asked Lois.

She nodded and took the clothes from him. Clark turned away when 
she dropped the towel and started to get dressed. In a few 
seconds, she was decent. She walked up to Clark and hugged him. 
"Thank you," she said.

He hugged her back. Then he looked at her. Her eyelids were droopy 
and she was yawning. "Tired?"

"Mmm-hmmm."

"I'll assume you're staying here tonight." He sat her down on his 
bed, pulled the covers back, and helped her ease under them. He 
had started to leave but she grabbed his hand.

"Clark, please stay," she asked in a soft voice. She moved over so 
that he could get in. Never one to refuse a lady, especially Lois, 
when she was in need, he got in bed next to her, taking her in his 
arms. She sighed and rested her head on his strong chest. She was 
soon asleep, feeling safe and warm.

"Lois? Lois? Are you still there?" It was Lucy's voice, calling 
her back to the present.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just... thinking. Oh, Luce. I *do* love 
Clark. I love him so much," she whispered. "And he loved me. Lex 
was charming, sure. Lex could charm the country's population into 
voting for a tax on neon paint. He charmed me into falling in love 
with him. But it was never true. I *don't* love him. It was never 
real, and Clark... Clark was real. I'm such an idiot. I ruined my 
own life."

"Lois, everything will be okay. Trust me. Didn't Clark tell you 
that he'd always be yours?"

"That was before. I don't think he can ever forgive me for 
marrying Lex. I wouldn't, if I was in his position. I can't ever 
go back now."

"You have to try. It's your only hope."

***************************

Lex was back shortly after midnight. He'd had an exhausting day, 
and was rather tired. Of course, that didn't stop him from wanting 
to sleep with Lois, but at least he fell asleep relatively quickly 
instead of occupying her until the morning.

Lois lay awake in the pitch black room. The moon was blocked by a 
heavy curtain covering the window. The person next to her turned 
in his sleep. Lois frowned in his general direction. She didn't 
want to be here. Not at all. She had to get up, and she had to get 
up now.

She sat up and got out of bed, the cold night air hitting her 
naked body and making her shiver. But she walked away from Lex's 
warmth despite the cold. She felt so dirty, so uncleansably 
filthy. She walked into the huge bathroom and turned on the 
shower. She stepped in and let scalding water pour over her skin, 
trying to burn away the sickening feeling, trying to scrub it away 
with soap. Finally, she turned off the water. Her skin was a 
bright red from the heat, but she didn't let it bother her. She 
dried off quickly, frustrated that the feeling of guilt was not 
gone and feeling quite miserable.

She went back into her and Lex's bedroom, trying to be as quiet as 
she could so as not to wake her husband. Her husband. The words 
set her teeth on edge. She drew back the curtain that kept the 
moonlight out and the sinister darkness in. Lex liked to sleep 
with the window closed. Lois' window had always been open. Her 
door may have been locked, but there was always a path for the 
moonlight to take to visit her. The opening of this window 
comforted her now, made her feel that maybe everything wasn't 
quite so dim.

She smiled at her old friend, the one whose steady silver light 
had comforted her through her parents' problems, had reassured her 
of things she'd prayed for. The moon was her only ally now, her 
only friend.

Lois pulled open a drawer and grabbed some underwear and a t-
shirt. She put the underwear on and glanced at the t-shirt. It was 
oversized, just like she wanted. She pulled it on, not wanting to 
be naked near Lex. It went halfway down to her knees, and she 
suddenly realized what shirt it was. It was Clark's. Or rather, it 
had been Clark's. It must have ended up at her apartment and been 
packed along with her stuff. She smiled sadly. She picked up a 
small bear that she had put in her underwear drawer and hugged it 
close to her.

She moved to the open window. It was large, reaching from the 
floor almost to the ceiling, and it was inset just a bit. She sat 
on the carpeted floor, leaning against the wall, and gazed 
outside, over the rooftops of Metropolis.

It brought back memories of another night, in somebody else's 
window. Clark's. She sighed, remembering the way the soft 
moonlight had bathed them. Clark's window had been open the whole 
night. It had been open ever since she knew him. Clark had never 
covered that one large window.

But now she sat in Lex's window, holding the bear. It was the bear 
Clark had won for her in Smallville. It seemed like everything was 
destined to remind her of Clark tonight.

Sitting there in the moonlight, she felt so small, so afraid. The 
world had decided that she wasn't worth pleasing after what she 
had done, and so she was miserable. Now, all she could think about 
was how she had thrown away what could have made her the happiest 
woman on Earth. Thrown it away because she had been scared, scared 
to be more than friends. She could have had Clark's love. Instead, 
she only had her love for Clark, a sad, hopeless longing. And her 
hatred of herself, for doing what she'd done. Her lower body 
ached, a lonely, throbbing ache that wanted Clark, needed Clark, 
and could never be assuaged by another.

He could never love her now, not in a million years. She wouldn't 
love Claude if he came back to her now. And she had hurt Clark 
just as deeply, if not more deeply. She had been so stupid...

"Oh, Clark," she whispered into the night. "I love you." She shut 
her eyes tightly, but that didn't stop a solitary tear from 
escaping. Drawing herself into a curled-up position, she hugged 
the bear a little tighter. "I love you." The words were almost 
inaudible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lois opened her eyes. The nightmare was back, and even worse than 
it had been before. She had actually *married* Lex! She shuddered 
as the details washed over her, emerging from her obviously 
troubled psyche to annoy her. She turned, and realized that Clark 
was there. He must have returned from Brazil sometime during the 
night.

Her movement woke him, and he looked sleepily up at her. "Morning, 
Lois."

"Morning, Clark. You have no idea what a relief it is to find you 
here, after last night."

"What?"

"I had that dream again, about Lex. Every time I have it, it's 
farther along. This time, it was my wedding and the day after." 
She closed her eyes. "It was so terrible."

"What happened? Tell me about it."

"Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"Of course. Do you think I just want to share the good things in 
your life? I love you, and I want to help you."

She touched his face tenderly. "I love you, too, Clark. And I know 
that this is going to upset you."

"Tell me anyway. It's already upsetting you, and maybe I can help 
with that."

She sighed, and moved close to him, resting her head on his chest. 
With that, she told him almost every detail of her dreams to date, 
leaving out only the details that would unnecessarily pain him.

He held her tight as she poured out the story. It was hard for him 
to listen to, and he knew it was hard for her to tell, but they 
had to do this. He winced as he heard the sorrow in her voice when 
she described realizing that she was in love with him, but knowing 
that they had no chance any more. He stroked her back soothingly 
as she struggled with the words.

"Oh, Lois," he said when she was done, "I'm so sorry. I had no 
idea..."

"It's okay, Clark." She sniffed a little. "Thanks for listening. I 
feel so much better now." She kissed him gently. "We should 
probably get to work now."

"Okay. We can talk more later."

She smiled in reply.

**************************

As they entered the Daily Planet, hand in hand, they were aware of 
a myriad of eyes focused on them. The last time any of these 
people had seen the reporting team, they had been very 
uncomfortable together, and were barely civil to each other. 
Everyone knew them well enough to know that this attitude was more 
serious than shouts and slammed doors. Therefore, they were 
shocked to see them together and obviously happy about being that 
way.

"Lois? CK?" Jimmy asked, making his way up to them. "You look like 
somebody just told you you'd won the lotto jackpot! Care to share 
the good news with an old pal?"

Lois and Clark grinned at each other. "Jimmy," Lois explained, 
"we're in love." They beamed.

"*Ohhh*! No wonder I couldn't get ahold of you last night, CK!" He 
winked conspiratorially. "Well, congratulations. It was about 
time!" He gave them both a hug at the same time. "I'm glad you 
finally worked out whatever was bugging you. That musta been some 
night!"

Lois had the decency to turn slightly pink at that, but she didn't 
have the decency to refrain from saying, "Oh, it was, Jimmy. It 
was."

"Well, I'd better get my rear in gear if I wanna keep my job. See 
you around. And, hey, I get to take pictures at the wedding!" he 
exclaimed, then left.

Later that day, as Lois and Clark were driving away from the 
Planet, Lois brought up the subject of her dreams again. "Clark, I 
don't know what to do about these dreams. Every time I go to 
sleep, Lex is waiting for me. It's getting so that I'm afraid to 
go to bed, like a little kid terrified of the monsters in the 
closet."

"Much as I'd like to keep you awake all night-- to prevent the 
dreams, of course--"

"Of course," Lois interrupted, grinning.

"I doubt that's the solution," Clark finished. He paused for a 
minute to think. "You said that every time you have the dream, 
it's farther along."

"Yeah?"

"Well, what if you resolve whatever's bothering you? If you fix 
the problem, it won't come back to haunt you."

"The problem is that I married Lex but loved you. So I'd have to 
find some way to reverse that."

"There you go. It'll be easy."

"No. No, I'm afraid it won't. Leaving Lex will. That won't be too 
much of a problem, even if he puts up a resistance. He can't 
really stop me. But after all I've done to you, you're not going 
to accept me back."

"Lois, I..." Clark began to defend himself.

"Oh, Clark, don't. I understand. You'd have every right never to 
speak to me again. Loving somebody is one thing, but liking them 
is another. You might still have feelings for me, but they would 
be overcome by shame and hatred. Am I hitting close to home?"

"Yeah," Clark reluctantly answered. "I guess even I have to lose 
my patience and temper sometime. I really can't say I'd handle 
that situation all too gracefully."

"I know exactly what you mean. I never wondered about how I'd feel 
if Claude came back into my life. I *knew*. I still had those old 
feelings, but I hated him more than anything. Then I realized that 
I never had loved him, not really. All that was left was the hate, 
the humiliation." She paused. "I can't believe that I caused that 
to happen to someone else," she added quietly. "Not after knowing 
what it felt like."

"Oh, Lois, it's okay. Everything's better now. It happened, but 
it's a part of our past. We moved on. We recovered."

"But it's still there. It'll always be a part of us. Our first 
night, the first time you said you loved me.... It should have 
been the most special time of our lives, but it will always be 
associated with that pain."

"Lois, I know you feel guilty about it, but please, don't. 
Everybody's entitled to make mistakes. We're only people. And 
think about it this way-- after something like that, we're 
entitled to a long, smooth run of bliss. Think about that."

Lois smiled a little. "Bliss, huh? I guess I'll buy that."

"Good. Because I intend to give it to you. And get some in 
return."

"Sounds great. Let's start tonight."

"I know this great little island in the Atlantic. Totally 
uninhabited tropical paradise. We can fly down onto the beach, 
with the warm breeze kissing the trees, the water lapping gently 
on the sand. Out in the open, with the setting sun reflecting off 
our naked entwined bodies..." He had been leaning closer and 
closer to her as he spoke, and was now only inches away.

She closed her eyes at the mental imagery and sighed. "Oh.... It 
sounds incredible...."

Clark chose that moment to grab the steering wheel. "Eyes on the 
road, Lois," he reminded with a grin.

Her eyes shot open and she shoved his hand off the wheel. 
"Bastard." She wrinkled her nose at him.

He just grinned back.

***************************

The sun had long since sunk beneath the line that was the horizon. 
A myriad of stars, few of which were visible from the city hung 
quietly in the sky, displaying their twinkling silver beauty for 
any who cared to gaze upon them. The sound of the sea was mixed 
with the call of birds that were using the dim light to hunt prey 
and with a rustling of tree leaves.

Lois shivered a little as a cool breeze ruffled her hair. She 
cuddled closer to Clark, who was sleeping peacefully on the fine 
sand. His arm automatically went around her, and the slight chill 
that characterized the night on this island was banished by his 
touch. She looked at his handsome features, bathed in the soft 
glow of moonbeams, and was once again amazed that he, this 
magnificent creature, could love her. She would never deserve his 
love, not even if she worked for a thousand years at it. And yet 
it was hers for the taking.

Suddenly, the chill was back. But this was an inner chill, leaving 
her exposed skin untouched, but disturbing her inside. She had 
almost thrown this away. What kind of life would hers have been if 
he wasn't in it? Would it be like her dream? Perhaps. For the 
first few months, anyway. An almost physically painful severance 
of an emotion that she hadn't yet discovered.

But after that, what would happen? Day after day, week after week, 
month after month, year after year.... Would she soon become dull 
to the pain, or would it get worse with time? Would the old wound 
heal, or would it be constantly worried, constantly reopened? 
Surely the latter. How much time would pass before it hurt too 
much to go on?

In an instant, Lois knew that she wouldn't have lived a very long 
life. She wouldn't have allowed herself to remain on the planet. 
That which appeared to be a choice between two paths in her life 
was in actuality a choice between life and death. Her life and 
death.

Clark had saved her life so many times as Superman, and even some 
times as Clark, but she resolved that she would never tell him of 
this more long-reaching rescue. It would hurt him to learn that 
she would even consider suicide, much less be positive that she 
would carry it out. She was the only one who would know of the 
reaches that her self-hatred would have taken her, had he not 
interfered.

She sighed at the morbid line of thought that had plagued her. It 
seemed she wasn't to be rid of these disturbing ideas. The guilt 
of marring her and Clark's first night, the guilt of hurting the 
man she loved, the pain of almost losing him, and those damn 
dreams. If, as Clark had suggested, she needed to resolve her 
dream problem to be rid of those demons forever, she would have to 
fall asleep.

And yet she was frightened of doing so. Every time she dropped 
into the nightmare, there was more pain for her to deal with, more 
guilt and self-hatred. She supposed what really frightened her was 
the thought that these emotions would overcome her before she 
could overcome them, and she would be trapped. If she failed to do 
this, she knew that she would be haunted forever.

"Just once," she thought, "just once, I'd like to lie here, next 
to Clark, and not be worried about falling asleep. Just to snuggle 
up and succumb to the warm glow he seems to give off. That would 
be worth this all."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She woke up in the window of Lex's... no, her and Lex's penthouse. 
She had woken up because Lex was gently shaking her shoulder. She 
jumped and pulled away from his touch.

"It's okay, darling. It's me," Lex said.

Yeah, that's the problem, Lois wanted to say. She didn't want him 
to touch her while she wore this shirt. It might have been 
unreasonable, but there it was. She forced a smile. "Morning, 
Lex."

"What are you doing all the way over here?"

"I... couldn't sleep, and I came to look out the window. I guess I 
must have just dozed off right here." She looked down at the teddy 
bear in her arms. She stood and moved to replace the bear in her 
underwear drawer.

The motion reminded Lex of the bear's presence. "What's this?" he 
asked.

"It's just a bear," she replied. "Liar!" she thought to herself.

"Why do you keep it?"

"No reason."

"There must be some reason."

What was with this? Why did Lex care about the bear? "A friend 
gave it to me."

"What friend?"

"Why?"

"Lois. Tell me. Who gave you the bear?"

"Why are you being so strange, Lex? It's just a bear!" she 
protested.

"Who gave you the bear?" he repeated.

She sighed. There was no help for it. "Clark did."

Lex frowned. "Why do you still have it?"

"It's just a sentimental thing, okay? This bear brings back some 
good memories."

"Of Clark?"

"Yes, of Clark."

"It shouldn't."

"Why not? I'm allowed to have memories. What is going on with 
you?"

"Lois, darling, we're going to make new memories. Better than any 
old ones. Why don't you throw the bear out as a tribute to our new 
life together?" The words were cool, casual, flowing, but they 
scared Lois. The bear was one of her most prized possessions, 
especially now that she had realized she loved Clark.

"No," she said.

"What?" Lex couldn't believe that she would refuse him anything he 
asked.

"You heard me. I want to keep it."

Lex's eyes glinted coldly. "Give it to me and *I'll* throw it 
out."

"No! Will you forget about the stupid bear?"

Lex was seized by a powerful urge to rid himself of the bear. It 
represented a challenge. As long as Lois held on to it, she 
obviously still cared about her old life, about Clark. He had seen 
the way she slept with the bear in her arms, holding on to it as 
if it were the last thing in the world that she cared for. *He* 
was supposed to be the most important thing in the world to her.

He was still for a few seconds, and then, all of a sudden, he 
seemed to pounce. He ripped the bear from Lois' grasp. She cried 
out, but before she could stop him, he raced to the window and 
threw it into the street below.

"No!" she screamed, racing to the window. She watched as the poor 
bear plummeted to its death, falling from the top of the highest 
building in Metropolis. Lex glided up next to her.

"You'll thank me later, my dear."

"Never! Lex, how could you?" she cried.

"Lois, the bear doesn't matter," he told her, putting an arm 
around her shoulder.

She shrugged the arm off violently. "Don't touch me," she hissed. 
She stormed to her dresser, pulled out jeans and a t-shirt, and 
promptly locked herself in the bathroom. In a few minutes, she 
emerged, fully dressed. She grabbed her purse and headed for the 
door. "Don't wait up," she told her husband, and left. The door 
slammed behind her.

*************************

Clark was walking along the street to get to an interview. He 
hadn't felt like hailing a cab. He passed the Luthor residence and 
looked up, glaring at the place in general even though he was 
unable to see the man he hated. As his eyes were turned upward, he 
did not notice where his feet were heading. So, it came as a 
surprise to him when he kicked something.

He looked down. Sitting in a mud puddle and looking pathetically 
sad was a small teddy bear. It looked familiar. He picked it up 
and tried to get some of the mud off of it. It looked like it had 
been run over as well as dropped. He couldn't quite place the 
feeling of familiarity that it was causing him. Then he realized 
what the bear looked like. It was almost identical to the bear he 
had won for Lois at the Smallville Corn Festival.

Lois.

He wondered if she still had that bear. Ironic that he'd find this 
one so close to her new home. He sighed, remembering what a great 
time they'd had in Smallville. Unconsciously, he cradled the bear 
gently in his arms. A small smile played across his lips. Maybe 
he'd take a detour on the way to the interview so that he could 
bring the bear home.

***********************

Lois walked out the door and stopped. Her gaze roamed the streets, 
searching for a small object. The cars rushing by obscured her 
view, but she did her best to locate the memento. It wasn't in the 
road. That, at least, was a relief. Maybe it would come out of 
this unscathed.

She then searched the sidewalks, the small areas of grass, the 
alleys between nearby buildings. She looked up into the few trees 
to see if it had possibly been caught in one of the mayor's 
attempts to beautify Metropolis. It hadn't. It wasn't anywhere. 
She searched the small area that it could have traveled in for 
over half an hour, but nothing turned up. A tear trickled down her 
cheek, leaving a glossy streak on her skin.

The bear was gone.

***********************

Lois didn't go home that day. She knew Lex expected her to give up 
and come back soon, and that was exactly why she didn't. After 
searching unproductively for the bear, she found herself walking 
toward the Daily Planet. She didn't realize where she was headed 
until she was almost there.

She needed to go in there, to remind herself that there really 
were things going on other than her marriage to Lex. Most of all 
she needed to see her friends. She needed to see Clark. More than 
anything else, she needed to see him.

She pushed her way through the rotating doors that were so 
familiar. It seemed as though she had been away from her job for 
centuries. A few weeks had never seemed so long. She rode up the 
elevator and got off on the newsroom floor. She stood there for a 
minute, breathing it in. It felt really great to be there.

But there was something wrong...

"Lois!" Perry exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Aren't you 
supposed to be on your honeymoon?"

"Perry, please!"

"Ah. Have a fight?"

"Sort of. Where's Clark?"

"He's out on an interview." Perry watched as Lois' face fell. "I 
can beep him for you if it's important."

"No thanks. He probably wouldn't talk to me anyway."

Perry understood why she thought that. She was undoubtedly right. 
Clark had been heartbroken when Lois married Lex. Perry had never 
seen such hurt on a man's face before. For the first time in his 
life, he'd been mad at Lois. Lois, his star reporter, his pseudo-
daughter. But it seemed that Lois was sorry now. He just hoped it 
wasn't too late.

Perry left to go back to his office, and Jimmy came up to Lois. 
"Hi, Jimmy," she said to the cub reporter.

"Hi, Lois," he replied, with a poorly hidden emotion seething 
under the surface of his words.

"What's wrong?"

"Can we talk somewhere?" he responded.

"Sure," she replied guardedly. They walked into the conference 
room, which was currently unoccupied. When they were alone there, 
Lois once again asked Jimmy what was bothering him.

Jimmy sighed, apparently troubled. "Lois, Clark told me what 
happened."

"Oh."

"And I can't believe that you would come back here looking for 
him. You unfeeling bitch! How do you sleep at night?"

Lois cringed from the uncharacteristic remark, which stung even 
more because she knew that she deserved it.

"After all you've done to him, you have the gall to come back here 
and attempt to see him again? Do you have any idea how he felt 
after you left him? Any idea at all? I've seen people 
contemplating suicide who were happier than Clark. Yet he 
recovered. It was almost a miracle. That's the kind of thing that 
scars people for life. And *right away* you married Luthor. You 
slapped Clark right in the face with that one, Lois.

"That's what broke him. That's right," he said to the look on her 
face, "he's *broken.* How does it feel to have ruined one of the 
nicest, most wonderful people alive? Does it feel real good? Are 
you real proud of yourself? You should be! It was a top-ra